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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting again on your own in your early thirties - does it get better than this?

53 replies

123easyasabc · 28/07/2023 18:10

Hello, first time poster so please be gentle! Although I have been a long time lurker.

I know this has been to death but I'm having a bit of a low day and wondered if anyone could give me some words of wisdom.

I had a long term relationship (7 years) which ended a couple of years ago and then I met a man who I was seeing for a year which just ended several weeks ago. It was totally out of the blue for me and I'm quite surprised at just how devastated I am. Well maybe devastated is a bit overdramatic, but I have been really, really upset. Only a few weeks ago we were making lifelong plans.

I'm in my early thirties, now single, no kids and wondering is this it for my life? I know it sounds so silly and people will say I am young (perhaps not for having children - I know my chances are diminishing by the year) but I just feel like everyone has it together in happy relationships and I'm on my own again with another failed relationship behind me.

I have a good professional job, I own my own house, I have my own car, I have some lovely friends (not many, but ones I really value). I recently went somewhere where there were lots of old friends, and friends of friends, and without sounding big headed, a lot of people kept saying to me they couldn't believe that me out of everyone was single (I honestly don't mean to sound bigheaded!). I get told usually by other women that I'm attractive, and I don't think I'm too bad, so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I keep thinking of the phrase you can be the juiciest peach and some people just don't like peaches.

I would love to have the fairytale where I meet my Prince Charming and we have a family. I know that's everyones dream but at the moment I am feeling pretty flat. I'm trying to do everything right like the youtube videos and blogs say, I'm trying to eat well, exercise, sleep, see friends, keep busy. I'm doing it all and I still feel rubbish. I took myself on a shopping date today and bought a few nice things, had a nice lunch on my own and it felt like everybody around me was having a lovely day out with their partners or families. I see women with newborns and it makes me worried I will never get to experience that. I think I am generally a little sensitive at the moment as I have a close family member with very poor ill health who I am very involved with.

I know this is incredibly first world problems, but just wondered if anyone else felt the same or has any words of wisdom for this ridiculous, early thirties singleton, who has now got wet eyes typing all of that out! Gosh I feel silly. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

OP posts:
ilyana · 29/07/2023 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Again, this is why many women are choosing to stay single. This redpill, misogynistic bullshit. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than date someone like you. It's like you're all made in a factory, spouting the same sexist nonsense, using your money and possessions in place of a personality.

Women don't spend their 20s "chasing a career", they live their lives, just like you do. We also need money to pay rent, bills and buy food, just like you do. I'm sure you'd love it if we all settled down at 21 and were dependent on men so you could treat us however you wanted and we had no option but to tolerate it, but unfortunately for you, women have rights now.

I have high standards for men, but not in the way you think. I don't really care about things like height, income and possessions. I do expect my partner to treat me like an actual human being and value my thoughts, ideas and opinions. Unfortunately, that appears to be beyond most men, so I'm happy to stay single indefinitely rather than lower my standards and have to interact with someone like you. Every post you write makes it clear how very little you have to offer.

Pinkbonbon · 29/07/2023 13:20

Did this guy just use the term 'high body count' and then claim he wasn't a mysoginist in the same post xD

It doesn't matter how hot you think you are dude, your attitude stinks. And one way or another women will realise that and leave you.

PatrickGammon · 29/07/2023 13:27

Well said ilyana and pinkbonbon

Justanotherdobby · 29/07/2023 13:45

I'm not sure what your feelings are on children but if having a family is important to you, I would really recommend that you consider going it alone or at the very least getting a fertility check up. I was in your position 3 years ago and assumed I'd find someone but the dating game had changed beyond belief in the time I'd been in a relationship and I encountered a lot of the red pill attitude displayed by that horrid user who was commenting. I eventually decided after a sustained period of being ghosted, love bombed or just having no chemistry that OLD is hell and embarked on IVF with a doner when I was 34. Unfortunately I apparently have fertility issues I was unaware of as I've now suffered two miscarriages. I'm not trying to scare or pressure you but if I had my time again I wouldn't have wasted my precious fertile years in a horrible relationship/subjecting myself to OLD and I would have tried to go it alone much earlier and very possibly might have saved myself the heartbreak I've experienced. Again, I really am not trying to discourage you from finding love as it's a normal thing to want but there isn't a time limit on finding a partner whereas sadly there is with motherhood and I wish I'd been more proactive. Hope I haven't freaked you out, I just wanted to offer a different perspective x

baileys6904 · 29/07/2023 14:13

At 28, Id had a series of emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationships.

At 29 I had a baby with someone I thought was the best of a bad job. We split up within 2 years, and I was a single parent. I'd lost my very good job ( he was controlling and didn't want me working), my house (no job) and most of my friends.

I decided I was good with just me and concentrated on being a mum and tryin to get through life as best I could.

At 37 I met someone. I was so tempted to not go on a date, I was happy being single and couldn't be bothered with all the rubbish that came with it. I'm so glad I did

Over 10 years later, I still fancy him as much as I did on the first day. I love the boxes of him and he's the same way. We laugh together daily. We get grumpy but there's rarely a raised voice. We've combined our families and the kids all get on and we all holiday together. We have 2 households but live in one when 'childfree' to allow the kids to still feel a priority and have alone time if they need it.

Basically I couldn't be happier.

Dont give up.

123easyasabc · 29/07/2023 18:51

@ilyana and @Pinkbonbon nail on the head! He was a prime example of what I do NOT want in a man.

@Justanotherdobby thank you for your honest advice, I really do appreciate it and you've not scared me as it is something I've thought a lot about, it's almost like the elephant in the room of my life. I am so sorry for your losses, I can't imagine the pain you are going through, especially whilst dealing with it on your own. It takes a strong woman to be able to do that, and I hope you get your happy ever after.

@baileys6904 thank you, that has given me hope! That's all I want too, someone who is my best friend and who I still fancy after a decade!

I've been a bit up and down today, but I suppose each day is a day nearer to feeling more like my old self (or at least that's what I tell myself for now.)

OP posts:
Aprilx · 29/07/2023 19:13

I split up with somebody when I was either 31 or 32, it hadn't been an especially long relationship, but it was quite devastating although now I think it was more because of the dashed hopes of settling down and starting a married life. I was quite crushed for a while because of this, but when I was about 33 / 34 I got comfortable with the idea of being by myself and I know it is a cliche but at that point I met now DH.

IamSaved · 29/07/2023 20:40

I'm 34. I left a 6 year relationship in 2018, entered a new relationship in 2020 which ended last year (she had to move back to her country and I wasn't prepared to leave the UK), and I'm now engaged (for the first time) to a wonderful woman who is pregnant with my (and her) first child (she's 36).

It's not too late!

Lisachloe32 · 29/07/2023 20:56

Hi op! :)

I just wanted to say I’m 32 in a few months and am now looking into being a single mother by choice or at the least freezing my eggs this is after leaving a four year relationship I sometimes feel exactly like you do now. I just think you can find love at any stage of your life. I’m currently on the dating sites but to be fair I’m not putting much effort behind it as I’m mostly getting sexual messages and the odd decent one I am getting isn’t sure what he’s looking for.

I wish you all the best I know it’s hard when your in your 30s it looks like everyone’s got it together but it really isn’t like that I’ve got friends who have kids some who are struggling to conceive and some who still live at home with there mum because despite working full time it’s too expensive to move out. It’s a mixed bag I think everyone is struggling a little right now.

Hang in there things will get better! 🤗

EightyfirstCat · 29/07/2023 21:06

Not all of us want to settle down, get married and have kids. There's a growing contingent of women who are throwing off the shackles and living our best life without all the trappings of kids, husband, domestic labour etc. Just wanted to fly the flag that says settling down isn't the only route to fulfillment.

HappiDaze · 29/07/2023 21:10

Where do you live ?

When I was early 30's I was out all the time having the best social life with all my friends pre DC

Embrace your freedom get out there and live it

ilyana · 29/07/2023 23:08

EightyfirstCat · 29/07/2023 21:06

Not all of us want to settle down, get married and have kids. There's a growing contingent of women who are throwing off the shackles and living our best life without all the trappings of kids, husband, domestic labour etc. Just wanted to fly the flag that says settling down isn't the only route to fulfillment.

Exactly. I think we grow up brainwashed with the idea that this is the route to happiness, and honestly, I'm not sure it is. I think the patriarchy tries to convince us it is.

I distinctly remember panicking in my twenties, trying to wring every ounce of joy out of life, because having a husband and kids would mean drudgery and having to give up my lifestyle and hobbies. Why do we so readily accept this? Why do we accept being shamed for wanting to continue doing things that bring us joy?

Maybe some women are natural mothers and genuinely love having kids, but I think a lot aren't, and don't. I'm getting too old to have kids, and the predominant feeling is actually relief. I hadn't even realised how much the fear of pregnancy impacted my sex life. I hate how much I get shamed for having what some see as a shallow life...what is especially virtuous about being a parent? I see shit parents everywhere I go. I was on a train the other day listening to a monster verbally abuse his kids. So many people are absolutely terrible parents, yet wear it as a badge of honour.

Do you think you actually want kids, OP, or has society told you you're worthless if you don't have them, so you feel like you have to follow the script?

Pinkbonbon · 29/07/2023 23:56

Absolutely agree with previous posters.

Let's face it the majority of people who have kids, shouldn't have had them. For a variety of reasons. But certainly, especially for women, how it can damage their freedoms, bodies, mental health...rob them of their dreams...tie them to abusers...make them 'settle' for the wrong men...mean they lose their own identity to some extent in 'motherhood'...ect...

Couldn't pay me enough to do it!

So glad more and more women are waking up to the brainwashing that it's somehow necessary.

Not to say there's anything wrong with wanting them! Some people love kids so that makes sense. But most people don't lol.

123easyasabc · 30/07/2023 08:50

Interesting points made! I completely understand but I do think I would like a child, I just have that maternal pull I think, although I know it isn't for everyone. I also think I am happier in relationships. Of course, I do have a life outside a relationship, but generally speaking I think I prefer being in one.

Although I've not been long term single really as an adult - maybe max 18 months/2 years each time between a relationship starting and ending, so maybe that will change!

OP posts:
TeaPotPetPig · 30/07/2023 09:27

This was me 10 years ago! I spent far too long in a 'going nowhere' relationship for the whole of my twenties and I didn't recognise the signs that we'd both be happier apart. After a few months of feeling desperately low, I tried OLD. That was weird. Then I stopped worrying about meeting the one and started doing things just because I wanted to. I went to festivals, said yes to every social event and charity fundraiser and reconnected with myself and other people. I booked a holiday in Northern Ireland with a friend, just because I love the accent. Looking back, I felt so happy and free at that time. I met my now DH through a friend of a friend. I did ask friends to throw their nets wide and let me know of anyone single and with a NI accent (maybe not the last bit!). I knew not to waste time if we weren't compatible. But I also did stuff just for me and it was amazing.

Floating83 · 30/07/2023 09:48

I think a lot of it will be that shock of a split from someone you cared about. You start questioning your worth and think that because they didn't want you forever then no one else will. But that will change, you will start to remember everything that makes you amazing, that confidence in who you are will come back.

I am currently separating from my husband of 10 years having been together for almost 20. I am late 30s, 2 kids, not particularly attractive physically, and about to walk into the mess that is divorce.
But, I've come to terms with what the future may or may not be and it's actually instilling me with a confidence that my life can be what I make of it.
I am trying to expand my social circle in the chances of someone knowing someone who might know someone etc as I feel more comfortable with that than a dating app.

Treacletoots · 30/07/2023 09:58

Been exactly here OP. Divorced my exH at 33. Single with a dog for 3 years and honestly it was some of the best years of my life.

What I realised was once I accepted my future happiness was entirely based on me accepting I was OK being single then life just seemed to improved immeasurably.

Stop pinning your happiness on meeting someone and start realising you can be happy now. Do things you love, but most of all accept that being single isn't a failure, its a deliberate choice for you to not accept sharing your happiness with a sub standard partner.

I kept my standards super high. If anyone wasn't perfect or did anything remotely wrong they were dumped immediately. Don't settle.

End of the story goes: met Prince charming aged 36. Had DD aged 38. Still together 10 years later and still very happy.

It wasn't until i learned to love myself and genuinely be single that I was in a place to meet someone who genuinely respected me and wanted to improve my life.

You'll be fine. Just love yourself, don't EVER settle and don't ever think you won't get what you want, because you will. Just be patient.

Singleandproud · 30/07/2023 10:08

You feel rubbish because you are making all of these changes, exercising, eating etc etc with the end goal of snagging a man.

You need to invest in yourself for you, go on some single women holidays lots of hiking, paddle boarding, yoga ones are available. Develop yourself and then once you are happy with yourself and being alone will your confidence grow and then potentially attract a partner that is right for you because at that stage you'll be in the relationship for yourself not just because that is what is expected of you.

If you want a partner you need to spend time in places where you would want your partner to spend time, ie I hate clubbing nor would I want a partner that regularly went clubbing so I wouldn't want to meet anyone there, so do the activities you enjoy theatre social group, hiking club, watersports group etc.

If you want a child you can always start looking into fertility treatment.

Maiden2021 · 30/07/2023 10:13

The many different perspectives on this threat are heartwarming- not any one route is a guarantee way to achieve happiness, therefore you search deep in your own soul and decide what it is that you want and consider important.

So, I will add mine.

I am grateful for living an authentic life that I had this conversation both at early 30s and mid 30s with MYSELF.

No disrespect to single parents (heck my mum brought 5 of us up after my dad died and she did a stellar job whilst holding down a full time job), however I was clear I did not want to knowingly choose the single parent route. What I wanted more was a companion, so I was willing to wait. It helps that I adopted an orphan when I was 25 yo ( and she was 2 years) and put her through private education (costly) because it is what was suitable for her needs (state wasn't suitable so I removed her) although I didn't live with her- my mother, her grandmother lived and still lives with her. So I had first hand knowledge of raising a child, even from a far. Her teenage years were extremely difficult but she has moved past that phase. She is still in my life, from afar- just spent 5 months with her which were lovely.

So, if I had been clear it is a child I wanted at all cost, I would have gone the donor route, maybe downsized from my 2 bed flat I owned to 1 bed or even a studio to facilitate that. And take a hit on my demanding career. So it is all about choices.

To this day, what saved my sanity during those prolonged single hood days, was that I liked focusing on my demanding career and did so to a senior level and earned a comfortable living.I was also crystal clear I did not want the sperm donor route.

Also, I do not mind step kids- even if there were 6/7/8 yo if that would be my family. I genuinely love kids (all kids) and have never seen the need to have birthed them myself to be the prerequisite to having them/ adult kids in my life. Mine was driven by the fact that I am did want 1) a family as a natural thing. The secondary reason when I couldn't have that family naturally or time was running out, was 2) because I am wise, above average (you have to be to do my job), patient, calm and one of those women blessed with good looks- so I did fancy passing on all or some of my genes and knowledge- as you can see, that's not (2)a good enough reason to give birth at all cost.

Therefore, what you need, is to look after yourself, do the things you enjoy, relax until you are able to soul searching and work out what you really want. If you need to cry after realising what you really want, do. I was quite humbled by the fact that I faced my soul as raw as it was and not pretend I knew what I really wanted.

I did try to freeze my eggs (on advice of a learned DR who I just met by chance, so I thought why not?) when nearly 39 but the clinic just wanted embryos and for a time I was upset about that, however, a few years on, I am glad I didn't do it as I feel, having gone through a demanding career and 5;40am wake ups, my body just needs a rest.

My DH has asked if I want to adopt, but I really just don't want to START that responsibility of dropping and picking up a child 4/5/6/7 yo from now for the next 18 years.

It helps I come from a large family as pointed above and have many nieces and nephews who I am happy to assume parenthood with at any time. So, my situation and considerations are totally different.

However, I can still look at all this again, if we make lots of money than we know what to do with it- we run a business- and full help will definitely be on hand, so I don't wreck my health trying to be a mum, which is what I would definitely need.

Also, I might get grandkids from nieces although I don't want to live with the babies full time, so I can consider living near them to help out ocassionally- but that's in 5/10 years, so not immediate.

Good luck.

Maiden2021 · 30/07/2023 10:14

thread

Maiden2021 · 30/07/2023 10:20

The reason didn't want to impose single parenthood on my child was that I really believe children benefit from having two different parents to care for them. I had the best childhood and wanted that for my kids. I would not be the person I am if all I knew was mum as lovely as she is. Having my dad in my formative years, who was aware what a hillclimb women face in society was the making of me. He gave me confidence, encouraged me to follow my dreams and never had boys and girls jobs- we all did the same thing. He also cooked for us (although only when mum was away working) but I never went hungry.

Also, I would want 2 kids- the idea my life would be fixated on 1 child never sounded healthy to me, so I will always need 2 even if I adopt. I loved having siblings and we are still very close now which is why I can consider they kids as good as mine.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 10:39

It is young you have another decade to have a baby!
Don't feel bad that you're upset about this break up let yourself grieve it. It will take time be kind to yourself and don't rush it.
When i was 32 in the same Position I got a fertility check up and froze my eggs which was very reassuring.

I met my Prince Charming during pandemic and we rushed into having a baby quickly- he then left me at 8m pregnant as he found it 'too stressful' so make sure you don't let your desire for a family make you blind to red flags or let go of your boundaries like I did!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 10:41

123easyasabc · 30/07/2023 08:50

Interesting points made! I completely understand but I do think I would like a child, I just have that maternal pull I think, although I know it isn't for everyone. I also think I am happier in relationships. Of course, I do have a life outside a relationship, but generally speaking I think I prefer being in one.

Although I've not been long term single really as an adult - maybe max 18 months/2 years each time between a relationship starting and ending, so maybe that will change!

All of that is ok

Maiden2021 · 30/07/2023 10:45

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 10:39

It is young you have another decade to have a baby!
Don't feel bad that you're upset about this break up let yourself grieve it. It will take time be kind to yourself and don't rush it.
When i was 32 in the same Position I got a fertility check up and froze my eggs which was very reassuring.

I met my Prince Charming during pandemic and we rushed into having a baby quickly- he then left me at 8m pregnant as he found it 'too stressful' so make sure you don't let your desire for a family make you blind to red flags or let go of your boundaries like I did!

Exactly this. I have always considered full responsibility for all my actions even if I make them jointly with another person. It is the only way to be.

I hope you and baby are ok. Hugs

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/07/2023 10:59

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2023 18:18

Tbf it's not really starting over is it?

You've been home, a job, friends...
All thats changed is you're single.
Which you have been before and will be again, many times over.

People fixate too much on having kids or marriage or 'forevers'. That's the only thing that'll make your life miserable. Fixating on things that 'could' be.

Just live your life in the here and now and have fun with it.

You're what...maybe a third of the through your life. You'll hopefully still have health for a good portion of that. You're financially solvent. Seriously - you're living the dream. You probably just can't see it yet as things are still a bit raw.

You're going to be fine! Great infact.

Allow yourself some time to feel hurt. It's OK to be sad when things don't work out.

But then, look to new dreams.

Yeah, this.

I'd kill to be early 30s again.