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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Jealous of Gay Friend

56 replies

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:00

I’ve name changed for this. It’s all in the title really. I have a male gay colleague who has turned into a good friend over the last two years . I’ve been married to DH for over 10 years and he hates it, absolutely hates it. I’m shocked really because I never thought he would be like this, but he does have form for being controlling.

I went out to dinner with friend-and I’ll just say now, there are absolutely no romantic feelings either way, friend has been with his long term partner for years-and DH phoned me during the dinner crying and saying ‘I can’t believe you did this.’ It was so embarrassing, he threatened to divorce me if I saw him outside work again. DH’s rationale is that friend is a man, he can’t see beyond his own experience with women obviously. Friend and I laugh, talk about work, life etc, I only ever say nice things about DH to him and we’ve been invited to dinner but knowing how DH has been I don’t think we can socialise with friend and his partner.

Friend is a bit younger than me and such a sweet man and I’m finding myself in a position where I don’t talk about him to DH, whereas I do chat about female friends/colleagues and I’m having to give up a precious friendship because DH won’t allow it and it just feels wrong.

Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/07/2023 10:05

I’d say your DH is homophobic.
Keep the friend and ditch the DH.

TedMullins · 28/07/2023 10:12

No you are not wrong. Your husband is controlling and ridiculous. What else has he done, you say he “has form”. Agree with the former post, I’d keep the friend and ditch the H.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 28/07/2023 10:14

Your DH is awful. That's not normal. He sounds insecure and homophobic.

ASoapImpressionOfHisWifeWhichHeAte · 28/07/2023 10:14

What?! That's totally unreasonable. You shouldn't have to keep a friend a secret - whatever their gender or sexuality. Your husband is an arse.

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:19

Thanks. I do know this, it’s never straight forward though is it? His reaction to our dinner was so over the top. He compared me going out with friend to his mum having an affair when he was a teenager. It’s actually mental.

OP posts:
SilverCatStripes · 28/07/2023 10:24

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:19

Thanks. I do know this, it’s never straight forward though is it? His reaction to our dinner was so over the top. He compared me going out with friend to his mum having an affair when he was a teenager. It’s actually mental.

Well he is being irrational OP, but the reason for this is right there in your post.

Do you have a good relationship otherwise?

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/07/2023 10:24

What a manipulative controlling little shit your H is.

Using his family history to twist you into submission. Emotional blackmail.

Can’t see how you can continue in this relationship without complete submission to his control. Which would be pretty tragic.

Chickoletta · 28/07/2023 10:31

Not at all normal.

I have been happily married for 20 years and have a number of close male friends including my best friend, with whom I regularly go out for dinner/drinks and even away for weekends. He is straight and single!

Ferona · 28/07/2023 10:35

Sounds like a controlling tit. Ditch him.

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:39

He likes my attention and when it isn’t directed at him he doesn’t like it. I do tend to back down because I can’t be bothered with the shouting and unreasonable behaviour. You can never get through to him.

I suppose I’m so used to him that I just take it. He was away for work recently and I was out with female friends for what was supposed to be a quick meal but ended up in the karaoke bar-was still home before 11am-he was calling and calling and left a message saying he was worried. I had spoken to him earlier in the evening to say we were staying out. It’s suffocating. But tell me who I can be friends with is another level.

I’m finding myself lying, even though I’ve got nothing to hide! Friend and I went for lunch last week during our lunch break and I was so anxious that DH would drive past and see us walking to the cafe. I’m in my 40s ffs.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 28/07/2023 10:40

He’s either homophobic, projecting or both
Whichever it is tell him to F off

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 10:46

Why are you with him? He sounds like he has the emotional intelligence of a 2yr old.

You back down to stop his tantrums, he shouts to get his own way. Is this the way you want to live?

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 10:49

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:39

He likes my attention and when it isn’t directed at him he doesn’t like it. I do tend to back down because I can’t be bothered with the shouting and unreasonable behaviour. You can never get through to him.

I suppose I’m so used to him that I just take it. He was away for work recently and I was out with female friends for what was supposed to be a quick meal but ended up in the karaoke bar-was still home before 11am-he was calling and calling and left a message saying he was worried. I had spoken to him earlier in the evening to say we were staying out. It’s suffocating. But tell me who I can be friends with is another level.

I’m finding myself lying, even though I’ve got nothing to hide! Friend and I went for lunch last week during our lunch break and I was so anxious that DH would drive past and see us walking to the cafe. I’m in my 40s ffs.

Fucking hell! Your marriage is making you anxious.

Think how relaxed you'd be living on your own. Jealous husbands do not make for a happy life.

LadyDanburysHat · 28/07/2023 10:53

So this is not really about homophobia or anything else. It is about you having a controlling husband, You are in an abusive relationship. I can not imagine a world where I feel worried to go out for lunch with a colleague because my husband might see me and kick off.

Please read back what you have written. This is not a good relationship.

Anaemiafog · 28/07/2023 10:54

Are you scared of him? This really isn't normal. One of my best friends is a single heterosexual male. DH wouldn't dream of asking me not to go out with him alone. DH became his friend over time and the two of them go out together now and BF stays with us.

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:57

It isn’t normal, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:02

I never held back when talking about my friend. He’s senior to me and so good at his job, inspiring really and I would tell DH this. Then we because work friends and now good friends. Totally innocent and no different than having a female friend.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 11:04

Has he always been controlling, was he like this before you married?

MissesMorkan · 28/07/2023 11:04

Chickoletta · 28/07/2023 10:31

Not at all normal.

I have been happily married for 20 years and have a number of close male friends including my best friend, with whom I regularly go out for dinner/drinks and even away for weekends. He is straight and single!

This. My friendships, with men or women, are not up for negotiation.

Fortunately DH isn’t a controlling freak.

Roussette · 28/07/2023 11:07

OMG I can't imagine this.

I holiday with my girlfriend(s) every year, always have done, always will. I go to lunch with them, go out with them (not so regularly as I'm old!)

Just yesterday me and a gay friend of mine were emailing back and forth. My DH likes him and his partner. We met up with gay friends when on holiday last year, we had fun.

I wouldn't be with my DH if I was made to feel bad for having friends. You have to tackle this, you really do.

sodthesodoff · 28/07/2023 11:11

I think when you're at the point of lying about having lunch with a friend because you're worried about repercussions your marriage is doomed

None of this is normal. You surely don't want to live the rest of your life lying and on edge all the time?

Does he make snide comments when you get dressed up too?

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:14

I know I do. Friend is away right now and we’ve sent the odd WhatsApp-including one where friend wrote ‘darling, I’m getting you a little something from x country’. DH would go mental if he knew we messaged. Friend is away with his beloved partner of 8 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:15

He makes digs about me looking smart for work

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 28/07/2023 11:16

He may be homophobic but he is definitely controlling. You shouldn't be having to hide friendships from him. He needs therapy if he compares you going out with a friend to his mother having an affair - it sounds like there is trauma there.

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:16

I’m at a point where I lie or give up the friendship. Or put my weak foot down and live with the repercussions. We have three DCs who are growing up, but as always there’s a massive financial disparity between us and I’m the one who will suffer.

OP posts:
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