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Original poster

Husband Jealous of Gay Friend

56 replies

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:00

I’ve name changed for this. It’s all in the title really. I have a male gay colleague who has turned into a good friend over the last two years . I’ve been married to DH for over 10 years and he hates it, absolutely hates it. I’m shocked really because I never thought he would be like this, but he does have form for being controlling.

I went out to dinner with friend-and I’ll just say now, there are absolutely no romantic feelings either way, friend has been with his long term partner for years-and DH phoned me during the dinner crying and saying ‘I can’t believe you did this.’ It was so embarrassing, he threatened to divorce me if I saw him outside work again. DH’s rationale is that friend is a man, he can’t see beyond his own experience with women obviously. Friend and I laugh, talk about work, life etc, I only ever say nice things about DH to him and we’ve been invited to dinner but knowing how DH has been I don’t think we can socialise with friend and his partner.

Friend is a bit younger than me and such a sweet man and I’m finding myself in a position where I don’t talk about him to DH, whereas I do chat about female friends/colleagues and I’m having to give up a precious friendship because DH won’t allow it and it just feels wrong.

Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:26

Op are you going to leave him?

Roussette · 28/07/2023 12:27

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 12:19

@Roussette I'm not going to lie my husband and I would not meet ex partners for lunch and I don't think many people would be comfortable with this.
I think meeting someone you used to have a sexual relationship with for a one on one lunch is very different to meeting a friend where the relationships always been platonic.

I just find that strange. They went out for a short-ish period about 45 years ago! And have remained intermittent friends ever since. They are in contact from time to time, and like catching up on old times.

(When I say 'old times'... I mean ... reminiscing about the pubs, clubs, people they used to know etc. Who's died, who's divorced, who's done what. Nothing untoward. My DH wanted me to come to lunch but admitted it would be boring for me 🤣)
I honestly don't have a problem with it, and I know my DH wouldn't either. He has met (and liked) a couple of my ex's.

smokingcarriageonly · 28/07/2023 13:09

I've been friends for almost 30 years with a man with whom I had a very brief fling early on; our relationship has been something like 99% platonic and 1% sexual. He's now married to a man as am I. He and I have spent weekends together alone and our partners don't object. (DHs are often invited but it's often just the two of us.)
I'm not saying this is the right or only way but it works for us, we don't require a chaperone despite our past.

OP, as your DH has brought up his feelings of betrayal linked to his mum, could you suggest he get help with this? Fair enough if this is a genuine source of upset but that's not a reason to take it out on you.

Imanalias · 28/07/2023 14:33

Absolutely not on. You are entitled to have friendships. Your husband is entitled to like or dislike those friends. However he is not entitled to tell you who you can and can't be friends with and use threats to 'keep you in line'.
I realise that when children are involved and you are more financially tied it's difficult but this sets a poor example of healthy relationships to children.
Personally, I'd call his bluff. You want to divorce me because I have a friend? You crack on with that then.

MNersSufferFromContextomy · 29/09/2024 11:16

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:19

Thanks. I do know this, it’s never straight forward though is it? His reaction to our dinner was so over the top. He compared me going out with friend to his mum having an affair when he was a teenager. It’s actually mental.

It sounds like your husband has trauma from his experiences a child and his mother’s affair. Yes, he is probably bigoted and a little childish, but seriously I would recommend you both go to couples counselling to deal with this issue in particular. Hopefully he will learn to process and deal with these feelings in a healthy way.

You could reverse the situation. If he had a really good friend who was a lesbian, how would you feel if he went out to dinner with them and socialise with them, laughing, joking, etc… is there any part of you that would be uncomfortable with this?

this issue can be dealt with relatively easily and inexpensively but you both need to commit to professional help. It might only need a handful of sessions.

his history of controlling could also be addressed, but that is a whole other issue and potentially a can of worms. Ideally it does need dealing with though.

Best of luck OP!

Edingril · 29/09/2024 11:20

Roussette · 28/07/2023 11:21

You cannot live in harmony for the rest of your lives if he is dictating who you are friends with. No one tells me who I can't be friends with and who I see.

I dont disagree with you but there have been posts on here where a women has a problem when their male partner had female friends

So if noone can tell another who they are friends with it works both ways

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