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Original poster

Husband Jealous of Gay Friend

56 replies

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:00

I’ve name changed for this. It’s all in the title really. I have a male gay colleague who has turned into a good friend over the last two years . I’ve been married to DH for over 10 years and he hates it, absolutely hates it. I’m shocked really because I never thought he would be like this, but he does have form for being controlling.

I went out to dinner with friend-and I’ll just say now, there are absolutely no romantic feelings either way, friend has been with his long term partner for years-and DH phoned me during the dinner crying and saying ‘I can’t believe you did this.’ It was so embarrassing, he threatened to divorce me if I saw him outside work again. DH’s rationale is that friend is a man, he can’t see beyond his own experience with women obviously. Friend and I laugh, talk about work, life etc, I only ever say nice things about DH to him and we’ve been invited to dinner but knowing how DH has been I don’t think we can socialise with friend and his partner.

Friend is a bit younger than me and such a sweet man and I’m finding myself in a position where I don’t talk about him to DH, whereas I do chat about female friends/colleagues and I’m having to give up a precious friendship because DH won’t allow it and it just feels wrong.

Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/07/2023 11:21

You cannot live in harmony for the rest of your lives if he is dictating who you are friends with. No one tells me who I can't be friends with and who I see.

Opentooffers · 28/07/2023 11:23

My advice is stick to your guns and start off by ignoring his tantrums and live the life you want. Put your phone on vibrate or silent so it doesn't disrupt your free time. He will either give up as it gets him nowhere, or ramp up the bad behaviour, which hopefully will be enough of a turnoff for you to not want to stick with it anymore.
What can he do about it if you carry on as you were? Not a lot, threaten to leave maybe, but given that he's a controller, it will be an empty threat.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 28/07/2023 11:23

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:16

I’m at a point where I lie or give up the friendship. Or put my weak foot down and live with the repercussions. We have three DCs who are growing up, but as always there’s a massive financial disparity between us and I’m the one who will suffer.

No, you're choosing to ignore the best option here. You don't put a weak foot down, you put your actual foot down. You tell him that you will not lie or hide your friendship, nor will you give it up. If he can't accept it then that's his issue which he can either get over or be consumed by it. He needs to know he can't bully you into submission. If you allow this you're basically telling him he can treat you however he wants.

caringcarer · 28/07/2023 11:24

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 10:39

He likes my attention and when it isn’t directed at him he doesn’t like it. I do tend to back down because I can’t be bothered with the shouting and unreasonable behaviour. You can never get through to him.

I suppose I’m so used to him that I just take it. He was away for work recently and I was out with female friends for what was supposed to be a quick meal but ended up in the karaoke bar-was still home before 11am-he was calling and calling and left a message saying he was worried. I had spoken to him earlier in the evening to say we were staying out. It’s suffocating. But tell me who I can be friends with is another level.

I’m finding myself lying, even though I’ve got nothing to hide! Friend and I went for lunch last week during our lunch break and I was so anxious that DH would drive past and see us walking to the cafe. I’m in my 40s ffs.

So actually he doesn't like it when you go out with any friends, male or female. It sounds stuffing. I couldn't live like that. He'd have to go.

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 11:30

Maybe he's jealous of your deep connection you have with this guy.
How would you feel if your husband set aside time and had a deep connection with another women?

Roussette · 28/07/2023 11:34

Nowhere has the OP said she has 'a deep connection' with this guy who is gay and married incidentally.
They are just good friends.

mindovermatterfeelingold · 28/07/2023 11:38

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

mindovermatterfeelingold · 28/07/2023 11:39

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Besttobe8001 · 28/07/2023 11:42

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 11:30

Maybe he's jealous of your deep connection you have with this guy.
How would you feel if your husband set aside time and had a deep connection with another women?

I'm grateful that my partner has deep connections with his friends, male and female. It means he has emotional support and a well rounded life outside of our relationship.

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 11:53

@Besttobe8001 good for you

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 11:54

@Roussette I meant deep as in deep enough to have dinner together and buy gifts on holiday.

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:55

We are friends who laugh and support each other but a deep connection suggests something sexual and it is so not that. I have female friends I adore and love, it’s no different.

I think DH sees it like you do.

OP posts:
MissesMorkan · 28/07/2023 11:55

Besttobe8001 · 28/07/2023 11:42

I'm grateful that my partner has deep connections with his friends, male and female. It means he has emotional support and a well rounded life outside of our relationship.

Show quote history

Absolutely this! No one should be relying entirely on one another person for emotional support, love, fun, warmth. It makes you emotionally lopsided and over-dependent on a single individual. I’m delighted that DH has good longterm friendships he nurtures.

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:58

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 11:54

@Roussette I meant deep as in deep enough to have dinner together and buy gifts on holiday.

Friend and I are from different backgrounds and there’s an age difference. We can go for dinner, share a bottle of wine, chat about work, life etc and laugh. Absolutely no different to a female friend. We do have a connection, that’s why he’s my friend!

OP posts:
Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:59

DH has multiple hobbies that take him abroad btw! I couldn’t give less of a shit because it makes him happy.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/07/2023 12:00

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 11:54

@Roussette I meant deep as in deep enough to have dinner together and buy gifts on holiday.

OK. Well... I don 't really understand... a deep connection sounds more than 'good friends'.

For instance, yesterday, my DH had lunch (without me) with an ex-girlfriend of his. I didn't want to go because they'll be banging on about old times and I would find it boring! She then came back with him for a cup of tea here and we chatted. All good. He's allowed good friends. They're in touch from time to time but I wouldn't call that 'a deep connection'.

TheCatterall · 28/07/2023 12:03

@LibbyDo sounds like you realise deep down that your DH behaviour is controlling and realistically trying to isolate you from anyone other than him. If one of your children entered a relationship like that - what would you advise them.

When he retires you realise he’ll expect you to be with him 💯 of the time and have no other outside hobbies or friends that don’t include him…

it’s stifling just thinking about a life not lived to appease poor little DH.

id suggest relationship counselling to help with DHs irrational demands. And if he doesn’t agree that’s another what he wants to keep you trapped.

Please start making a plan if that’s the case. Even if it takes a year. Demand your right to a life and interests beyond keeping DH happy.

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:04

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:59

DH has multiple hobbies that take him abroad btw! I couldn’t give less of a shit because it makes him happy.

I bet he wouldn't like it if you did the same. Op why don't you divorce him? Your DC are growing up learning that this is how men treat women, would you like them to end up in relationships like yours?

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:06

Roussette · 28/07/2023 12:00

OK. Well... I don 't really understand... a deep connection sounds more than 'good friends'.

For instance, yesterday, my DH had lunch (without me) with an ex-girlfriend of his. I didn't want to go because they'll be banging on about old times and I would find it boring! She then came back with him for a cup of tea here and we chatted. All good. He's allowed good friends. They're in touch from time to time but I wouldn't call that 'a deep connection'.

Show quote history

In the OPs own words

We are friends who laugh and support each other but a deep connection suggests something sexual and it is so not that. I have female friends I adore and love, it’s no different.

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 12:09

TheCatterall · 28/07/2023 12:03

@LibbyDo sounds like you realise deep down that your DH behaviour is controlling and realistically trying to isolate you from anyone other than him. If one of your children entered a relationship like that - what would you advise them.

When he retires you realise he’ll expect you to be with him 💯 of the time and have no other outside hobbies or friends that don’t include him…

it’s stifling just thinking about a life not lived to appease poor little DH.

id suggest relationship counselling to help with DHs irrational demands. And if he doesn’t agree that’s another what he wants to keep you trapped.

Please start making a plan if that’s the case. Even if it takes a year. Demand your right to a life and interests beyond keeping DH happy.

Thank you. This means so much! I haven’t put a foot wrong in all time we’ve been together. It feels so unfair.

OP posts:
Roussette · 28/07/2023 12:11

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:06

In the OPs own words

We are friends who laugh and support each other but a deep connection suggests something sexual and it is so not that. I have female friends I adore and love, it’s no different.

Show quote history

Yes, a deep connection sounds like an emotional affair and it is not that. Besides which the OP's husband doesn't like her seeing female friends either, so it's obviously a control thing.

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 12:16

LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 11:55

We are friends who laugh and support each other but a deep connection suggests something sexual and it is so not that. I have female friends I adore and love, it’s no different.

I think DH sees it like you do.

I don't see any harm in your friendship I'm just trying to establish why your husband does.

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 12:19

@Roussette I'm not going to lie my husband and I would not meet ex partners for lunch and I don't think many people would be comfortable with this.
I think meeting someone you used to have a sexual relationship with for a one on one lunch is very different to meeting a friend where the relationships always been platonic.

Original poster
LibbyDo · 28/07/2023 12:23

strongcupofTea · 28/07/2023 12:16

I don't see any harm in your friendship I'm just trying to establish why your husband does.

Show quote history

And it’s is helpful.

The man is 100% gay, always has been and presumably always will be. Talk of deep connections and emotional affairs aren’t relevant. Straight women and gay men have always been natural allies and any women with a gay friend knows how you can have a ‘connection’ without it being sexual. DH really doesn’t get it.

OP posts:
HoldOnMiGenna · 28/07/2023 12:25

OP get your fucks in a row and move in silence.
You are already experiencing quite a few dynamics which are beneficial to an abusive man.
You are passive/ compliant .
You accept public humiliation ( your partner phoning you and accusingly bawling down the phone when you went out with friends).
There is a wage disparity and probable financial abuse that is oxymoronically making you think that you will be worse off outside of this relationship. Women in loving, equal partnerships where they earn less than their partner, but outgoings are proportional to incoming wage don't tend to have this train of thought in my experience.
Your partner wants to isolate you. Always a major red flag.
It ain't going to get better. Your partner is rotted by jealousy and insecurity to the point that he is willing to look like a nutter by phoning you crying down the phone, yet probably telling himself that he is doing God's work.
When people, especially men are in the realm of lying to themselves, they , especially men cannot be cured as society and too many women are set up to enable that dynamic.
The most you can do is banish that dynamic from your personal and intimate life.
And do NOT go to any form of counselling with this man. He is an abuser and his motive for counselling will not be honourable, but to get a third party to join in his gaslighting of you, at best.
You don't seem the rip the bandaid, tired of dis fuckry type.....but disentangle yourself from your partner, you will.
Women who have gone through worse on Mumsnet will help you through this....if you listen and hear.
The first step is to recognise the shitty life you live due to your partner, that you cannot change him and that you cannot be blamed if you don't further enable him with the aim to placate him , as opposed to it being a temporary step to your eventual emancipation from him.
You got this.👍