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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I the asshole or is this totally unreasonable?

62 replies

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 11:44

My partner and I moved abroad 3 years ago...and if I'm honest I've been miserable ever since. But, he's happy, the dogs happy and I'm closer to my ageing parents so I made my bed and here we are.
We decided to move areas to have more space and land, I work remotely, he commutes about 90mins each way, so he goes on a Monday and comes back on a Thursday evening. When we discussed this move and the distance from his work, he told me he wanted to go remote and would start looking for jobs.
Fast forward to 2 weeks before we leave for our new home and he drops a bomb shell and tells me he has applied for a 2 year course through work, so he intends to continue this living situation for a minimum of 2 years, potentially 4 if it leads to promotion.

We never had a conversation about this and the impact it would have on our relationship. I now live in the middle of nowhere and see him Thursday night to 5am on a Monday which is not really ideal as our new home is so isolated...and he has the car.

My question is, am I right to be livid that he didn't tell me he was applying for this and had intention to not work remote? If he had told me there's no way I would have moved here....but more than that, I would have discussed it with him if the shoe was on the other foot.

OP posts:

Dotcheck · 27/07/2023 11:46

Honestly, I’d move. Or at the very least, get a car and start building your own life

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/07/2023 11:48

You are mad to be putting up with this - it’s a very one-sided relationship by the sound of it. Get a car for starters. And/or move. You need a serious conversation to discuss/agree a living arrangement that works for both of you, not just him!

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 11:50

There is no 'right'. You are the authority who gets to decide whether this is ok for you or not.

It sounds like he's gone against his word. Whether you are not bothered/disgruntled/upset/destroyed by this is up to you to decide. There are no rules.

Why does somebody have to be 'the arsehole'? Have a think about your conflict resolution style, as a couple. You are both allowed to do anything you want, within the law. How much you want to consider the other person's feelings is dependent on the two of you as individuals, and not something anybody else can tell you.

mindutopia · 27/07/2023 11:50

90 minutes is a perfectly doable commute. Now I don't go into the office often, but I commute 3 hours each way. Surely, if he needs to be at work at 8am, say, he has to leave at 6:30am (perfectly normal time to leave for work) and if he finishes at 5pm, he'll be home for 630pm, which is also a perfectly normal time to get home. I mean, even if he works longer hours than that, it's totally doable to commute. I used to leave at 6am and get home at 8pm and I did that with small dc (my dc were 11 months each time I went back to the office). I did that 2-3 days a week and worked from home the other days. Yes, it's not the best situation ever, but it wouldn't be enough to keep me from coming to see dh and sleep in my own bed every night.

Original poster

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 12:04

90 mins is but with the course he is finishing work at 9pm 2 nights a week and then back at work for 8.30am the next day so not really doable.

Having read this think part of my problem is basically that I have tried to please everyone else by moving here. And I dont want to, so motivation to get a car etc is just not there.

I think I will give myself a kick up the arse, trust my gut and start splitting my time between here and home at the very least.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 12:41

90 minutes is a perfectly doable commute

This can't just be stated like this. It might be do-able for you, but it wouldn't for me. Others will feel differently. One person's opinion of what's do-able is irrelevant. Only the people who are having to do it matter.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2023 12:58

Go out today and start shopping for a car.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2023 13:00

I meant to also say that your relationship sounds quite lacking. The fact he didn't discuss his new plan with you is really unacceptable.

Original poster

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 13:09

@Aquamarine1029 It's not that easy to 'go out' when you live rural and are without a car haha! But I see your point. I wouldn't say it is lacking but I do find it hard to imagine a world in which I wouldn't have mentioned it to him tbh.

@Watchkeys I agree, I certainly dont think 6.30am is a reasonable time to begin a commute! But again, each to their own.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 13:33

What's he like apart from this, usually, OP? What's your relationship like? Is he Mr Respectful, always listening to and accommodating your needs? I can't quite imagine him to be, if he's gone and done this.

Mortgageportgage · 27/07/2023 13:40

Fuck that, just leave. He can't move you to the wilderness and leave you careless without you agreeing to it.

johnnydeppsslipper · 27/07/2023 13:43

When you say remote wat do you mean?

Are there public transport links?

Original poster

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 13:48

@Watchkeys actually he is! He can be a bit crap at communicating thoughts/feelings and also keeping in touch when away etc but generally we are pretty in sync...Which I suppose is why it's even more baffling that he didn't think to discuss it. His rationale was that he didn't think he would be accepted so didn't think to bring it up. I guess I was prepared to live like this for maybe 6 months max for him to find a new job but the thought of 4 years? No way.
Just slightly more complicated when you're in a different country.

OP posts:

Softoprider · 27/07/2023 13:53

You can buy a car online and get it delivered to your door OP. At least that's what they say on the telly

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 13:55

His rationale was that he didn't think he would be accepted so didn't think to bring it up

But he must have thought through the implications, otherwise he wouldn't have applied. This is really thoughtless of him, and I'd expect that this rationale is actually a cover for what really happened: he knew you wouldn't be comfortable, so he disregarded talking to you about it.

Was it presented to you as a done deal? No way he could have told them that his circumstances had changed, and he didn't want to do it after all?

Original poster

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 14:01

@johnnydeppsslipper no transport, living in the countryside in Spain. Where FYI @Softoprider you can't get a car delivered to your house unless you are mega bucks.

@Watchkeys I dont disagree with you...it's really an incredible op for him so I think he just sees it as a temporary sacrifice, which it is and I wouldn't want to guilt him or make him choose. But 2-4 years is too long for me to live in this sort of part time long distance way.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 14:03

But 2-4 years is too long for me to live in this sort of part time long distance way

What does he say when you tell him this?

Original poster

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 14:07

@Watchkeys I told myself I would give myself a period of a month to adjust and see how I felt actually being here, and not be reactionary. So I'm planning on discussing it with him this weekend but I would rather go in with a plan and tell him what I am intending to do...
If he knew that I was unhappy here he would ditch the course, in a heartbeat, but it's too good for him to do that and I dont want him to. I guess this is just a timing/life thing and instead of whinging about it on the internet I just need to make a plan - and do it! I could probably be happier here/in this situ if I split my time between home and here so just need to work out the logistics of doing that...with a dog.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 14:10

I would rather go in with a plan and tell him what I am intending to do

Neither of you are dealing with this as a couple.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 27/07/2023 14:11

I’m not so sure that he is such a great guy at listening if he pushed a abroad you weren’t that keen on in the first place.

If you have said yes to please everyone, that means you had said NO or Really nit sure about that in the first place….

Original poster

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 14:14

@Watchkeys I agree but it's also an impossible situation because either way someone will lose out, either he quits on a great op, or I lose 2-4 years. So either we live as is and I'm miserable, or he changes and he is. There's not a realistic compromise in it at the moment!

@AsterixAndPersimmon I wanted to move abroad, he didn't push me, but I did want to come home and then realised I should probably stay to be closer to my parents. That said, I would not have moved somewhere so remote if I'd known 2 weeks before we moved that his work situation would alter so dramatically.

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 27/07/2023 14:16

4 years is a long time. I’d definitely be living elsewhere. He’s away 4 days a week and is planning to do that for FOUR YEARS. In my book that means you live where you want to live, and it’s up to him to join you there on his home days.

Ponderingwindow · 27/07/2023 14:16

You can investigated cars to buy online right now. Then when he returns with the car on Thursday you can go buy one.

I would say that it is either household funds but you a safe, functional car or you move someplace less isolated with or without him. He has put you in a completely ridiculous position.

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 14:18

I wasn't meaning that there's no compromise, I meant that neither of you is dealing with trying to find a compromise as a couple. You're both waiting to be at your own individual fait accompli before you talk with each other. How about sitting down with him without you own plan in mind, and telling him you have no idea how to fix this but that you're not happy? See what he says, before deciding for him in advance, and making a plan based on your opinion of what he's likely to say.

At the moment, your assumption is that he will be selfish. Give him a chance not to be.

Original poster

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 14:20

@Ponderingwindow Could, but the other part of this is that I don't really want to buy a car here if I end up splitting my time...I'd rather buy one in UK to go back and forth on the boat.

@Codlingmoths Im inclined to agree when you put it like that! It could be 2 years but when he mentioned 4 I was aghast.

OP posts:

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