Am I the asshole or is this totally unreasonable?

[Orangebananas]

My partner and I moved abroad 3 years ago...and if I'm honest I've been miserable ever since. But, he's happy, the dogs happy and I'm closer to my ageing parents so I made my bed and here we are.
We decided to move areas to have more space and land, I work remotely, he commutes about 90mins each way, so he goes on a Monday and comes back on a Thursday evening. When we discussed this move and the distance from his work, he told me he wanted to go remote and would start looking for jobs.
Fast forward to 2 weeks before we leave for our new home and he drops a bomb shell and tells me he has applied for a 2 year course through work, so he intends to continue this living situation for a minimum of 2 years, potentially 4 if it leads to promotion.

We never had a conversation about this and the impact it would have on our relationship. I now live in the middle of nowhere and see him Thursday night to 5am on a Monday which is not really ideal as our new home is so isolated...and he has the car.

My question is, am I right to be livid that he didn't tell me he was applying for this and had intention to not work remote? If he had told me there's no way I would have moved here....but more than that, I would have discussed it with him if the shoe was on the other foot.

You say part of the reason for moving was to be closer to your parents. How close to them are you? If it's not walking distance, you may as well move to where his job is.
But I don't see why a 90 minute commute means he has to stay away Mon-Thurs every week. Where does he stay? Could he not stay there one or 2 nights a week and do the commute on the other days?
It's not OK for him to have sprung this on you, and 2 years ( or 4) is a long time to be somewhere you don't want to be. If you work remotely you could work from the town where he works? Why stay somewhere you don't want to be?
Also, get a car. Or keep the car and let him commute by train, if necessary dropped off at a station by you.
I have to say, if he had a plan to trap you where he wants you while he goes off doing his thing, it would look a lot like this.

You have a point @Watchkeys I dont think I would present it to him like this, more that I feel more comfortable having a solution in my own mind that could work - my assumption is defo not that he would be selfish, the opposite, I think he would ditch the course to spend time here!

@Orangebananas you are still putting him first and you last.
You dint consider your needs as as valuable as his and keep coming up with reasons as to why he simply can’t say No to that opportunity.

You need to stop automatically think about his needs, what he wants and weigh the pros and cons in your head FOR HIM. You need to start with YOUR needs.
The fact you had no choice and he changed the rules all of his own Wo giving the chance to say NO, maybe or in that way but not this one. That’s the starting point of your conversation.
The you need to know what YOU want, not what he wants, what would be good for him etc… but what will be good for YOU. What YOU want. What YOU are happy to accept and YOU are not.
In a negotiation, his job is to present his needs. That’s not yours. YOUR job is to present your needs (and boundaries).
The you listen to each other, negotiate, find ways to make it work.

If he has any respect and love for you, it might well be that HIS choice, the one that will work best for him is for him to quit that job. It’s not up to you to make that decision. But at the very least, he will have to take some concessions.

And fwiw, there isn’t such a thing as applying for a job/training and thinking you’ll never get it so you dint need to talk about it. If he was so sure, he wouldnt have applied for it in the first place.
He might have put his head in sand and hope you wouldn’t kick off ‘because it’s such a great opportunity for him’. He might have (subconsciously?) forced your hand to get what he wanted. He might think that what works fur him is more important than what works fir you.
But it was NOT about him ‘not thinking it was important because he’d never get it’.

If you've been there three years, isn't his course finished or nearly finished?

@DelphiniumBlue We moved away from where his job is, the whole point was to get out of there to have more space as neither of us enjoyed living there.
I am about 90mins from my folks, and in the same country in them, where as I wasn't before. He cannot commute by train, there is no transport to do that which is why he has the car.
He defo doesn't have a plan to 'trap me' for one he knows I am far too independent and for two have far too many options to be trapped anywhere.

@leafinthewind we moved abroad three years ago, this is an entirely new situation.

Why do you act as if him ditching the job and coming to live with you is such a negative thing?

If he choses to do that, then he does.
As long as you haven’t been manipulating him, guilt trip him etc… why is it an issue if he decides to ditch that job?
By assuming him ditching the job is a negative action , you are deciding FOR HIM what is good fir him.

It can be your starting point.

So, if that's what you think he'll want to do, and that's what you'd like him to do, what's the issue?

He defo doesn't have a plan to 'trap me' for one he knows I am far too independent

But he has put you in a position where you are on your own, with no car. Which by default is trapping you (just look at hardi this fir you to go and buy a car) and makes you somehow dependent. Dependent in him being there to do X, Y and Z for example.

Im starting to wonder if deep down you think that actually he isn’t ready to ditch the job and/or be more accommodating of your needs.
Because what/who you think he is doesn’t seem to quite match his actions in this case.

@AsterixAndPersimmon It's a negative because this is a great, once in a lifetime op for him, and I dont want him to make the wrong decision for himself. He is new to this field and I think it will be much much harder for him to find a remote role which is one of the reasons he's taken on more work in the form of study.
It's not a case of manipulation, most people want to make their partners happy, but I dont want him to make me happy at the expense of something so great.

@Watchkeys It's not what I want! Having hashed this out here, I realise my dream would be he does course, I split my time, all totally do-able, just have to go for it and hope he doesn't ditch the course.

@AsterixAndPersimmon I can see what you're saying totally, but it is a temporary thing, it's not as if I dont have the money to go and buy the car or go home etc. I guess it's more than I/we need to come to a decision on where to buy that car ie in Spain or UK. He isn't ready to ditch the job by any means, and I neither want or expect him to do that.

Jesus… you’ve been imprisoned! Either car or move. No options. If you get a car in Spain and end up going back to UK, he can buy the bastard thing.

Right so there are options for you op

Do you own in Uk and this house in Spain?

Where is he living mon - thurs? Could you use that money along with the sale of your current home to buy somewhere closer to his work so that he is home every night? Would that put you too far from your parents?

See, I don't think he would give it up. I think he would OFFER to, secure in the knowledge that you wouldn't let him.
Anyone who applies for a 4- year(!!!) placement without mentioning it until you are in the middle of nowhere in another country, hasn't got your best interests at heart. He may not even realise this himself.
Careful with this one. OP.
Btw why are you so remote? Why would you not live somewhere that is closer to either your parents, or to your partner's work?

@johnnydeppsslipper oh 100%, I own both.

@pontipinemum he's staying with a work friend. I'm not selling current home, only moved into it a month ago ha!
He actually works closer to my parents, we moved further away because we both hate the area and had no space.

It's not a 4 year placement, it is 2 years but he might stay with the company for another 2. Anyway @Crikeyisthatthetime wanted more space, and hate the area my folks are in/he works. Have a flat in London so wanted completely different lifestyle here with space for the dog to run free, grow fruit n veg and all that.

The house in the arse end of nowhere with no car on your own Monday to Thursday is a terrible choice - however lovely the house is.

so options - you move near his work in Spain. He comes home every night and you live together. Or you move near your parents and he has a longer journey on Thursdays so you at least have other adults to talk to during the week. (You also need a car in this option). Or you move back to the UK and he stays in Spain, you don’t leave a house empty so he moves into a cheap flat by work. Or he finds a new job, either Spain or UK.

you are allowed to say the lifestyle that works best for him is shit for you. You are allowed to say his career doesn’t come before your mental health.

Why can’t you rent your house out and move back somewhere near his work/your parents for up to 4 years, then he gets a remote job and you move back together to where you currently are?

If you are unhappy OP why did you agree to move to the sticks?! Surely it’s easier to build a life in a Spanish city than the remote countryside.

I also don’t understand why on earth you think that just because you’ve been in Spain for 3 years you have to stay - no you don’t. Perhaps you stay 2 years so your partner can do his course and then return home, but certainly not for ever.

I think you generally need to address your attitude to planning your life.

As to the immediate.

Are you buying or renting? If renting then negotiate the earliest lease break you can and move back to the city.

If you’ve bought.. you could try giving it a year, but if you’ve hated it for 3 years will you honestly change your mind??

Whether you have to wait for a lease break or to sell, you need a car for now, so book a couple days of work (or pull a sickie) as soon as you can - drive with him to the city and get a second hand car.

While you wait to move from the sticks (or give it a year if you want to experiment), you can decide if you move back to the city he is working in or back to the uk. If the latter I’m guessing you can split the travelling to spend at least every other weekend together.

Your happiness is not less important than the dogs, or your partner or your parents. Start with what you want and work it from there.

@LimeCheesecake I dont think you understand the intention is not to never have a car, the intention is to buy one in the right country. My parents + his work = same place. The place we moved away from because neither of us like living there. It is confusing and wrote post quickly so probably should have been clearer!
Thank you for last line, you are totally right.

Just read the full thread and it seems to me OP that you are currently trapped, and that you want to bend over backwards to make sure that whatever you decide to do won't inconvenience him.

I also think that when you said he'd give up the course if you said something, this knowledge is really a way to manipulate you. Very subtle dynamic going on there. It keeps you generally where he wants you and you always wanting to make sure that whatever you choose to do won't potentially impact negatively on him.

@HoppingPavlova great name haha! Could but a bit of a pain in the ass and dont really want to deal with the various boring tax implications and paperwork for it.

@continentallentil I bought a house, I didnt agree to move to the sticks, his plan changed 2 weeks before completion. I have not been in Spain for three years, we moved into Spain a month ago and reason for the sticks is because I dont want to live full time in a city, we wanted a place with a different lifestyle from what we have at home. I think you're a little black and white about it tbh, not to mention patronising. My attitude to planning is totally fine and my lifestyle means I dont need to pull a 'sickie' to go and buy a car. I am planning which country to buy a car in so that I can split time and that requires a little more planning than just taking a day off work and doing it.

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I've spent a week mulling over this and now all your responses have validated that my gut is right and I know what I need to do -sometimes it helps to mouth off to total strangers!
His plan changed, and nobody should feel shit about that but we should talk about it - sometimes life throws you the curved ball, should he have told me? Yes. Shall I hold it against him forever? Probs not helpful.
I should talk to him this weekend and tell him I intent to split my time in UK/Spain and work out how to do that with beloved dog. And when I'm back buy a car in UK to do this. He should stick in with job and get course under his belt. We should be patient, and be together when we can. This way I can get my fix of home and still see more of parents too. I guess I have struggled with finding balance where I can put myself into the equation without always trying to make everyone else happy first!

Seems pretty simple when I look at it like that...so I guess I'll see what happens!

Best of luck OP. It feels that what's best for you had got a bit lost amongst all the competing requirements and would-be- nices and everyone else's wishes. I know I'd hate to be on my own out in the wilds with no car. I'd hate it even if my partner was getting home every night. Hope you work it out.