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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I the asshole or is this totally unreasonable?

62 replies

Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 11:44

My partner and I moved abroad 3 years ago...and if I'm honest I've been miserable ever since. But, he's happy, the dogs happy and I'm closer to my ageing parents so I made my bed and here we are.
We decided to move areas to have more space and land, I work remotely, he commutes about 90mins each way, so he goes on a Monday and comes back on a Thursday evening. When we discussed this move and the distance from his work, he told me he wanted to go remote and would start looking for jobs.
Fast forward to 2 weeks before we leave for our new home and he drops a bomb shell and tells me he has applied for a 2 year course through work, so he intends to continue this living situation for a minimum of 2 years, potentially 4 if it leads to promotion.

We never had a conversation about this and the impact it would have on our relationship. I now live in the middle of nowhere and see him Thursday night to 5am on a Monday which is not really ideal as our new home is so isolated...and he has the car.

My question is, am I right to be livid that he didn't tell me he was applying for this and had intention to not work remote? If he had told me there's no way I would have moved here....but more than that, I would have discussed it with him if the shoe was on the other foot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangebananas · 27/07/2023 15:16

Thank you, that's kind @Crikeyisthatthetime I think youve hit the nail on the head and it's time to be a little more 'selfish' in that respect.

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 27/07/2023 15:20

You haven't talked about anything so blame can't be onesided

Codlingmoths · 27/07/2023 23:21

I hope he supports your point of view op. Your feelings matter too.

greenthumb13 · 27/07/2023 23:40

Dotcheck · 27/07/2023 11:46

Honestly, I’d move. Or at the very least, get a car and start building your own life

Yep

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/07/2023 23:45

He’s not interested in your experience or feelings here at all. He’s focused on his own life and advancement.

My guess is that you telling him how you feel may just illicit a shrug. He’ll be so shocked you have independent emotions and thoughts and he will not want to be curtailed because of them at all. Not one bit.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/07/2023 23:52

Could you not move so that you're near to his job and course?

Watchkeys · 28/07/2023 15:59

Kind people consider themselves and others. Selfish people consider only themselves.

Considering yourself isn't a variable. It's not healthy for you to put your feelings aside, regardless of whether you care about the feelings of others.

lovenotwar149 · 28/07/2023 16:04

I'd be furious, and probably make plans to leave. Thats NOT team work. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, it's horrible and leads to not trusting their word

Fredblog · 29/07/2023 15:08

mindutopia · 27/07/2023 11:50

90 minutes is a perfectly doable commute. Now I don't go into the office often, but I commute 3 hours each way. Surely, if he needs to be at work at 8am, say, he has to leave at 6:30am (perfectly normal time to leave for work) and if he finishes at 5pm, he'll be home for 630pm, which is also a perfectly normal time to get home. I mean, even if he works longer hours than that, it's totally doable to commute. I used to leave at 6am and get home at 8pm and I did that with small dc (my dc were 11 months each time I went back to the office). I did that 2-3 days a week and worked from home the other days. Yes, it's not the best situation ever, but it wouldn't be enough to keep me from coming to see dh and sleep in my own bed every night.

Holy moly 3 hour commute, this is my idea of hell, what works for you wouldn't work for everybody else

cccarol · 21/08/2023 14:28

I think you allready answered your own question split the time your there and spend the three to four days there and when his away spend that time in london or wherever the alternative place may be it would solve the problem .

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2023 15:06

Think that's right - if you try to please everyone else, you lose yourself and what you want.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2023 15:07

(right as in valid thought - not right as in a good thing!)

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