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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possible dv?

61 replies

georgieeb487 · 24/07/2023 23:05

Just looking for some advice as im feeling very lost at the moment. I've been with my current partner for 9 months now, we both have children from previous relationships and he's great around my children. He's amazing with me very reliable and for the most part everything I've ever wanted in a partner, however he has some anger problems. It's clear that maybe things were over looked when he was younger and he often questions weather he has adhd or something similar. He has a skilled job but can become overwhelmed by small tasks outside of work. He's never lost his temper infront of my children or when they've been home however usually during a weekend they're with their dad we have an incident. So he's never punched me or anything but on one occasion smacked me on the leg during a disagreement and it left a hand print on my leg for the whole day, during a disagreement he's not allowed me to walk away or have space and blocks ny way, he's grabbed my throat on a few occasions out of frustration, he's pinched me, grabbed me inappropriately during a disagreement, called me a slag, on another occasion he continued to have sex with me after I'd repeatedly told him no when he was doing it every second he said are you sure you don't want it and I said I do not want it please stop but never pushed him because one I was scared and two he's much bigger, he's pinned me down before and so on. In short he can not control his frustration. After an incident when I was driving last week I've told him enough is enough we can't be together at the moment. I don't deserve this, I had a very very traumatic childhood I don't need to feel anxious constantly when I'm still trying to recover from severe anxiety. He's been non stop pleading and begging since I broke it off, he's cried his eyes out to me and visited his gp today for help. What I'm wondering is could things improve, would I be evil to leave him when he's struggling so badly I'm full of guilt. But I'm also full of anger because I didn't deserve this. I think because it's never happened around the children I feel maybe it's not so bad. He does things for me nobody else does and I've never had anyone love or want me as much as he does. I'm just very confused and lost. Has anyone had any similar experiences or has knowledge? Thanks

OP posts:
ladygindiva · 24/07/2023 23:09

I'm sorry but he's an abuser. You are not being cruel, you are being wise ending things. You must protect yourself and your children. Don't get back with him. If he's this bad nine months in then I shudder to think what the future holds. Get away from him please.

Original poster
georgieeb487 · 24/07/2023 23:11

@ladygindiva thank you for your reply. I hate that I feel so much guilt for everyone with everything, I never thought I'd be in this situation. Just second guessing myself and think I needed reassurance that I'm not being cruel

OP posts:
MollysBrolly · 24/07/2023 23:11

So he controls himself when others are around and when it's just you he shows his tire colours. He doesn't love you.

Leave this situation it's not a relationship. If it's life you want a man who loves you won't treat you like this.

MaggieBsBoat · 24/07/2023 23:14

I stopped reading at the words hand print.
He is abusing you.
You must know this is not ok or normal.
It will escalate.
You can stay and accept it.
You can leave.
I‘d suggest leaving asap.

brokenbitbybit · 24/07/2023 23:15

It is bad. You're in denial, he rapes you, puts his hand around your throat and hits you leaving marks?

What would you say to your child if somebody did that to them?

Please contact women's aid for help as soon as you possibly can.

Sorry to be blunt but he's very very dangerous and the fact you're second guessing wether it's bad or not is terrifying .

brokenbitbybit · 24/07/2023 23:16

Actually I think you should contact the police 101 for a Clare's law request on him too, please try and protect yourself x

Redruby2020 · 24/07/2023 23:17

First poster is 100% right. Take comfort from the fact it has happened so early on and you've had your warning. Be very careful now because you have told him it's over. Yeah it's all well and good him going to his GP, but that might just be to get in your good books. Even if he does get help for any of his issues, it doesn't guarantee anything. And you talk about anxiety, well the reality would be you living in a constant state of anxiousness around him, it's no good for you and no life for anyone to lead.
Please speak to Women's Aid or other and continue the path where you get and keep this horrible man out of your life.
Wishing you lots of luck.

Quartz2208 · 24/07/2023 23:19

It is that bad, he has raped, strangled and slapped you

leave him

brokenbitbybit · 24/07/2023 23:23

What did he do to you while you were driving last week?

My ex ripped my hair out whilst I was driving and punched the passenger window out. I got free of him 8 years ago now and it's the best thing I ever did. This thread has really scared me. You do not need to put up with this and you are not cruel in any way shape or form.

purpleboy · 24/07/2023 23:24

Fucking hell please tell me this is a joke?

Run for the fucking hills before he kills you.

He has raped you, choked you, slapped you and your asking if this is normal? Well no it's not, it's not even slightly normal or ok.
What kind of message do you think this will send to your children? And don't be naive enough to think they won't know.

Raise your bar you're worth more than this piece of shit, and so are your kids.

Wisterical · 24/07/2023 23:25

Your boyfriend is a rapist. A Rapist.

HerMammy · 24/07/2023 23:27

Please do not try and use ADHD as an excuse for an abusive dangerous man.
Leave him and never look back.

ProjectsGalore · 24/07/2023 23:30

Request a Clare's law disclosure on him and make a plan to end things permanently. Women are most at risk when they are leaving a relationship and the strangulation is a high risk indicator. Please be careful!!!!

Wildmoors · 24/07/2023 23:30

Run and report

cocksstrideintheevening · 24/07/2023 23:32

ADHD isn't an excuseTo be an abusive fuck.

He knows exactly what he's
Doing.

You need
To leave.

IHateLegDay · 24/07/2023 23:33

If you stay with him you will end up dead and your children will be without their mum.

You've been with him for 9 months and already he has been violent against you and raped you.

Put you and your children first and leave.

Muckysmucky · 24/07/2023 23:34

This is physical assault and rape

Remove ANY guilt and replace it with pride that you know your worth. You absolutely do not deserve this, no one does. And you can be strong enough to stay away from him and get a future where you are safe and secure and loved.

You do not owe him anything. Tbh even if he was loving and kind you don’t owe him to stay if it’s not right for you. But this man, with his abuse- you need to harden your heart to his tears- they aren’t grounded in anything except keeping his power over you intact.

But caution here, choking/strangling for example is a very significant form of physical violence that is considered a massive danger red flag. Please seek advice from Women’s aid about how to stay safe as and after you leave.

Do you have family? You might be wise to report him to the police and seek refuge. I don’t want to scare you but it is when women leave that they are most in danger and this man sounds extremely dangerous.

Im so glad you know this isn’t an environment you can thrive in OP. It won’t ever get better it will escalate and you will lose all sanity and strength. Get out now whilst you are able but stay safe and stay fully away from him.

Good luck

billy1966 · 24/07/2023 23:35

What a terrifying read.

You should be reporting him to the police.

He is a rapist.

You are not the first and you won't be the last.

He has choked you?

He could kill you.

What about your children?

Would you like this for a daughter?

Stay away from him and seriously consider reporting him to the police.

He is an absolute criminal.

Please stay safe and call the police if he comes near you.

Do NOT allow him ibto your home.

I would be very fearful for you.

scoobysnaxx · 25/07/2023 00:04

No no no.

Get yourself and your children far FAR away from him and NEVER look back.

It might be hard but only 9 months in compared to a lifetime of abuse.

This is disgusting, you should report to the police.

Dery · 25/07/2023 09:07

@georgieeb487 - it’s so sad that you could think that your relationship is amazing. It’s hideously bad.

All relationships are good when things are good. You must look at how they are when you and your boyfriend (9 months isn’t long enough to say partner) aren’t getting on. This guy dishes out serious violence. As someone said upthread, hands round throat is regarded as an indicator of future murder.

This man is on the road to killing you or at the very least going irreversible physical damage (repeated throttling can cause brain damage).

It doesn’t matter how sad he is that your relationship is over. He is too dangerous to have a relationship with. Please keep him gone.

Bonbon21 · 25/07/2023 09:13

Finish it today.
Finish it NOW.

And up your standards... take this as a warning!

HerAvatar · 25/07/2023 10:19

Please get yourself away from this man and then stay away, you are allowing him to guilt you into doubting yourself when, without him in your ear, you would see his behaviour for what it is and rightly run a mile. This is how abuse works, it scrambles your head so you can't see the wood for the trees but it's crystal clear to every one of us reading your post, he is severely abusive and you are in serious, genuine danger.

He's non-stop begging and pleading so that your head is still full of him and you can't think straight so the first thing you need is space and time away from him, no contact whatsoever. Speak to Women's Aid, they will help you see his abuse for what it is, please don't think this isn't 'serious' enough to need their help, it absolutely is. And The Freedom Programme, £12 to do online and worth its weight in gold, it will help you understand and recognise abuse so you can resist his attempts to wheedle his way back in. The fact that you feel guilt/responsibility towards him means you are still being manipulated by him, get far away from him and you will see that he deserves nothing from you Flowers

LividHot · 25/07/2023 10:21

Are you together right now?

How can we help you get away?

YoSof · 25/07/2023 10:25

Strangulation is one of the biggest indicators that he will go on to kill you. It is the most serious red flag there is.

He has abused you and raped you, and you are in serious danger if you continue in this relationship.

Well done for leaving, but you need to stay away. Do you feel like you could contact the police? At the very least, please contact Women’s Aid, they will help you.

2023issucky · 25/07/2023 11:11

New laws came out in 2021 because the police saw the seriousness of strangulation. He could be jailed for 5 years alone just for that. It's serious. His a rapist and an abuser. Call the police, report him (even if you choose not to do anything about it at this time) and get help to get out of there. He is a dangerous man, to you and other woman.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Protect yourself and your children