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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possible dv?

61 replies

georgieeb487 · 24/07/2023 23:05

Just looking for some advice as im feeling very lost at the moment. I've been with my current partner for 9 months now, we both have children from previous relationships and he's great around my children. He's amazing with me very reliable and for the most part everything I've ever wanted in a partner, however he has some anger problems. It's clear that maybe things were over looked when he was younger and he often questions weather he has adhd or something similar. He has a skilled job but can become overwhelmed by small tasks outside of work. He's never lost his temper infront of my children or when they've been home however usually during a weekend they're with their dad we have an incident. So he's never punched me or anything but on one occasion smacked me on the leg during a disagreement and it left a hand print on my leg for the whole day, during a disagreement he's not allowed me to walk away or have space and blocks ny way, he's grabbed my throat on a few occasions out of frustration, he's pinched me, grabbed me inappropriately during a disagreement, called me a slag, on another occasion he continued to have sex with me after I'd repeatedly told him no when he was doing it every second he said are you sure you don't want it and I said I do not want it please stop but never pushed him because one I was scared and two he's much bigger, he's pinned me down before and so on. In short he can not control his frustration. After an incident when I was driving last week I've told him enough is enough we can't be together at the moment. I don't deserve this, I had a very very traumatic childhood I don't need to feel anxious constantly when I'm still trying to recover from severe anxiety. He's been non stop pleading and begging since I broke it off, he's cried his eyes out to me and visited his gp today for help. What I'm wondering is could things improve, would I be evil to leave him when he's struggling so badly I'm full of guilt. But I'm also full of anger because I didn't deserve this. I think because it's never happened around the children I feel maybe it's not so bad. He does things for me nobody else does and I've never had anyone love or want me as much as he does. I'm just very confused and lost. Has anyone had any similar experiences or has knowledge? Thanks

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 25/07/2023 11:20

He is an abuser. He would have an anger issue if he got angry all of the time in front of everyone in all situations. If he only does it in private then is it clearly abuse. Either way it is not a behaviour you want your DC to live with or emulate.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/07/2023 11:29

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Such a quick attachment with children also is a huge red flag and doubtless he love bombed you as well.

Your own traumatic childhood needs addressing too if this has not already happened via therapy. Do contact NAPAC and be assured that this was not your fault, that’s on the people who abused you.

Tears as well can be manipulative and he’s played you like a violin. Abusers are master manipulators and he targeted you deliberately in order to abuse you. Work on rebuilding your life and boundaries and do not enter into any further relationships in the meantime.

Please take proper heed of what the other respondents have written here. You are in grave danger from this man, a man who targeted you deliberately to abuse. He will kill you if you stay.

Orangeradiorabbit · 25/07/2023 11:29

It will escalate over time if you take him back. I know from personal experience.

You have done so well for breaking it off and getting out sooner rather than later. Block his number, don't read his messages or answer his calls. Please don't let him back in. Get the support PPs have described.

You are doing this for you and your children - do not feel bad, guilty or sympathetic to him. You must love yourself, and put yourself first, before him. This is not being selfish. You deserve better and will find better, this man is a horrible abuser. He wants to abuse and control you and break you down. The behaviour you described from him is monstrous and shocking. You have the power to end it, for you and your children. Please, please, please do not take him back.

Redruby2020 · 25/07/2023 11:39

Acornsoup · 25/07/2023 11:20

He is an abuser. He would have an anger issue if he got angry all of the time in front of everyone in all situations. If he only does it in private then is it clearly abuse. Either way it is not a behaviour you want your DC to live with or emulate.

My ex done things in public too, so yes definantly anger issues etc, on top of being abusive. Just because some people do things to others/in public doesn't mean they are not abusive.

Acornsoup · 25/07/2023 11:42

@Redruby2020 I agree with you. Sorry that was a massive generalisation. A lot of abusers are too cowardly to act out in public.

Serenity45 · 25/07/2023 11:50

This was horrible to read so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. He is a dangerous, abusive rapist and you have done exactly the right thing in ending the relationship. Please keep yourself safe OP.

ymemanresu · 25/07/2023 11:58

Shudder. HRFT . My mum was nearly killed by a man and i know of another young woman just 25 whose mum was killed by an abusive partner. Please please get help. Have a read of this www.endviolenceagainstwomen.org.uk/femicide-census-reveals-half-of-uk-women-killed-by-men-die-at-hands-of-partner-or-ex/

Prelapsarianhag · 25/07/2023 13:04

Mate, he's fucking dangerous.

Bananalanacake · 25/07/2023 14:23

It's good he didn't move in with you. If he threatens to kill himself, ignore it, it is control.

KingsHeath53 · 25/07/2023 18:11

I do believe people can change.

But not in the context of the same relationship. Your relationship (sadly) is set this way now and i do not believe thag can change.

He sounds like he really wants to change and I bet he can, but he will need time after the relationship to reflect on what went wrong ro be better for his next partner.

monsteramunch · 25/07/2023 18:22

@KingsHeath53

He's verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually assaulted OP on a regular basis.

He has raped her.

I have no clue what has compelled you to suggest he genuinely 'really wants to change' and that you 'bet he can'.

What a bizarre and frankly risky post. You say she shouldn't stay with him but this sentiment is undermined the rest of your post is dangerously close to giving her some sort of hope he is fixable as a person.

If you truly believe that a man can go from verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually assaulting women to being a healthy partner to any woman then I hope you don't work in a safeguarding capacity.

It is vanishingly rare for abusers to change, let alone abusers and rapists offending to the degree this man is.

araresight · 25/07/2023 18:39

OP, you mention you had a traumatic childhood...sometimes this can shape and damage your thinking and you can't see things clearly. You sound like a really compassionate person because you're trying to find reasons for his behaviour but honestly, that's not your job. Your job is to keep you and your children safe, not to even remotely risk being with someone who has the potential to kill you.

Lots of people do have anger issues and many struggle to control emotions but that still doesn't ever give them the right to abuse other people. Do you realise that if you reported any of this, he could quite likely be charged? It's that serious.

The best thing you can do is cut off all contact and move forward with your life. Maybe consider counselling for yourself too, to help with anxiety and also to help you see how dangerous and wrong this is. Flowers

KingsHeath53 · 25/07/2023 18:49

@monsteramunch i do not work in a safeguarding capacity.

But yes i definitely know people can change. I know people, men and women, who have behaved dreadfully and abusively in relationships and have learned from their mistakes. I personally have made terrible mistakes in my life I am ashamed of and happy to have been able to learn from and move on from. I do not know this person to know if he can change, but you do not know him to know he can’t. She says he has been to the doctor for help so yes, that indicates he on some level recognises he has done wrong and wants to change.

Putting out absolutes ‘he is a rapist, he is evil etc’ is unhelpful as it is unlikely that the OP will identify any of that as really being true, so is more likely to just discount the entire piece of advice.

I think the core piece of my advice is sound: he might on some level be a good guy (the OP clearly thinks so) and they may be happy most of the time (as the OP says) and he may want to change (as the OP says) but he will not change in this relationship and so the relationship should end.

This is balanced feedback reflecting the realities of the situation and that he’s a real, flawed human being, and (probably) not a monster.

Equally, he might not change. But if the OP ends it, it’s not her problem anyway.

Wakemeup17 · 25/07/2023 18:58

He is abusive. You will get more anxious and your MH will suffer. It's only been nine months. You can appreciate that he wants to change and applaud him for that but it's better that he is somebody else's problem.

Pinkbonbon · 25/07/2023 19:13

Holy shit.

You're not describing anger op, you're describing abuse.

He's not abusive because he is angry, he is angry BECAUSE he is abusive.

Please re read your first 6 lines or so. And then the rest. He's not amazing op. He's a violent, sadistic piece of human trash. It's utterly terrifying that in just 9 months you've already seen so much abuse from him and are still talking about how he's every thing you could want in a partner.

He's violent. Calls yoi horrible names. And, sorry but he's also a rapist.

Thats not a partner, that's a predator.
It's not love, it's control. You are essentially a psychopaths victim and you've escaped.. amd he doesn't like that.

Go to the police. You are in danger.

Redruby2020 · 25/07/2023 19:53

KingsHeath53 · 25/07/2023 18:49

@monsteramunch i do not work in a safeguarding capacity.

But yes i definitely know people can change. I know people, men and women, who have behaved dreadfully and abusively in relationships and have learned from their mistakes. I personally have made terrible mistakes in my life I am ashamed of and happy to have been able to learn from and move on from. I do not know this person to know if he can change, but you do not know him to know he can’t. She says he has been to the doctor for help so yes, that indicates he on some level recognises he has done wrong and wants to change.

Putting out absolutes ‘he is a rapist, he is evil etc’ is unhelpful as it is unlikely that the OP will identify any of that as really being true, so is more likely to just discount the entire piece of advice.

I think the core piece of my advice is sound: he might on some level be a good guy (the OP clearly thinks so) and they may be happy most of the time (as the OP says) and he may want to change (as the OP says) but he will not change in this relationship and so the relationship should end.

This is balanced feedback reflecting the realities of the situation and that he’s a real, flawed human being, and (probably) not a monster.

Equally, he might not change. But if the OP ends it, it’s not her problem anyway.

Sorry 🫣 there is no doctor that can help people like that. And that aside what is done is done, it was also said that out of a certain amount of men that went on a programme for abusers that literally a couple would come out healed/changed whatever you want to call it.
Someone who has done what he HAS done is an abuser.

Fenellapitstop · 25/07/2023 20:27

Please ask for a Claire's law disclosure. He is abusing you and it's only a matter of time before the kids are present. They will know what is happening already. They know you are changing your behaviour to appease him. Adhd is not an excuse and the gp will not fix him

Fenellapitstop · 25/07/2023 20:28

Abuse as you describe is not about anger. It's about control

monsteramunch · 25/07/2023 20:50

@KingsHeath53

Saying 'he is a rapist' is a factual statement, not me being absolutist. He is a rapist. He has raped poor OP.

Anyway, I've reported your most recent post. It's misguided at best and dangerous at worst.

I'm glad you don't work in any safeguarding capacity.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/07/2023 12:10

He harms you physically and has raped you. He verbally abused you.

Get rid of him Op. it's not possibly DV it's definitely DV.

The fact he doesn't do it in front of your children means he knows perfectly well how to stop but simply doesn't want witnesses.

Original poster
georgieeb487 · 27/08/2023 01:01

Update- was very difficult to read some of the replies and I've been reluctant to click on my post again. Finally plucked up the courage, thank you to anyone who replied with empathy and care but also to those who were straight talking. I needed to hear both. I had a very rough start in life ( that's another story) but always believed I was wise enough to never end up in the situation I did but I've now learnt and come to understand how it does happen. I dismissed many things because my children were not in the home during the rape incident and when he hit me. I finally plucked up the courage to end it, went very badly. I was harassed beyond belief. On the second day of the break up I agreed for him to have a cup of tea in the property because he was pleading for me to stay out with him or to watch a film and the cup of tea seemed like the best option and the easiest way to save an argument, this is when I was raped a second time. The day after I cut absolutely all contac, he turned up banging on my windows and shouting so I called the police. He's now on a 3 month bail for rape and the other things he did. I didn't realise how mentally agonising it would be after I'd reported it, sat waiting for some form and justice and not knowing if it will come. The police have messages of him admitting to it etc but we will see what happens. I'm not trying to save to move out of the area and hopefully start fresh and recover properly. I had cptsd before all of this, I really need a new start I'm surrounded by his family where I am now.just wanted to update anyway, thank you again everyone.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 27/08/2023 02:00

Good luck OP you are a strong brave lady. You have done the right thing for you and for your DC. I hope you get justice Flowers

Dotcheck · 27/08/2023 02:06

Oh my word.
Well done. Sending you strength💐

LifeExperience · 27/08/2023 02:13

You've done a very brave thing. You should be very proud of yourself!

IamSaved · 27/08/2023 04:11

Edited after I read the full thread.

Nice one OP. You've 100% done the right thing and this cunt will get what's coming to him.