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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

She’s everything I’m not….

64 replies

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 12:31

STBXH has a new girlfriend. They got together quite quickly after our split and seem very full-on, she may have been OW at some point but I guess I’ll never know.

The thing is, she seems soooo different to me and everything that ExH said that he didn’t like in a woman. She’s loud, I’m quiet. I’m very natural looking, she has lip fillers and Botox. I’m quite career focussed, she’s part time with 3 young children.

Now she could be the loveliest woman and I have nothing against her, what I can’t wrap my head around is the fact that maybe I didn’t know my husband well at all. I’m focusing on my own life and getting on with things quite well but I feel railroaded (again) that I obviously didn’t know what he wanted after all! Anyone else been here?

OP posts:

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 23/07/2023 12:33

Sounds like rebound, not uncommon after a split. That didn't work out for me so Ill try the exact opposite. It rarely works however, once the novelty wears off. You're more likely to end up with someone who is similar but different in the ways that didn't work last time.

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:34

How long were you with him?

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:35

who initiated the split?

CuriouslyDifferent · 23/07/2023 12:35

He’ll get bored or weighed down with the 3 kids.

or maybe he won’t.

Does it matter…. You sound lovely and kind, and if you are a decent person and not wrapped up in ideologies or agendas, then there’s a whole world of people out there that are just like you, to be friends with or more if that’s what you are looking for.

if the issue you had between you - is kids - guys do hit a point where they change their minds about having kids depaite not wanting to earlier In life. He might find they ain’t that much fun, especially when they start scream “you’re not my dad” when he tried to help parent. But your famile choices are valid, and to be honest, I think you’ll be prized because you do t have kid baggage.

Janieforever · 23/07/2023 12:42

I mean this gently but your marriage didn’t work. So why would he go for the same type of person again, why would you feel he should be with someone like you?

Original poster

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 12:47

We were together 19 years, we have teenagers together. He decided one day that he no longer loved me so off he went, tried to bully himself back months later when the grass want all that greener and now his main concern seems to be good times with his new woman.

It’s difficult, both me and the DC are still trying to get our heads around who he is. It’s like there’s someone walking around in his body.

OP posts:

WalkingThroughTreacle · 23/07/2023 12:54

I know it's easier said than done but stop giving him head space and focus on yourself and your kids. Put him in the history books where he belongs and make sure that's where he stays. You have nothing to gain by analysing his behaviour and every moment spent thinking about him is a moment not focused on your own happiness.

Thisnameforthisthread · 23/07/2023 12:54

He decided one day that he no longer loved me so off he went

It's very unusual for a man to leave a woman with no-one else to go to so I suspect at the very least he had had his head turned, it wasn't that he suddenly stopped loving you.

tried to bully himself back months later when the grass want all that greener

She chucked him out.

now his main concern seems to be good times with his new woman

No one falls in love quicker than a man looking for somewhere to live.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible

Hurtingnowq · 23/07/2023 13:00

How horrible OP. You will adjust to a new life which will be better without the confusion he is clearly causing. What a head fuck. And I suspect it won’t be much better with the new woman. The novelty will wear off. She has three DCs - how does she have time for him??

Original poster

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 13:07

Thank you everyone. It’s true that I just need to move on, it’s just a massive mindfuck. You think you know someone after all of those years……

I think her DC have a good Father who maybe has them 50/50 (how wonderful!) which allows them to go on lavish holidays.

I’m not sure if I’m still in shock, just bitter or bloody traumatised!

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/07/2023 13:10

Sounds like a mid-life thing. Being with someone new and shiny is probably boosting his ego. May or may not last.

Personally, I wouldn’t waste any more time thinking deeply about it. Focus on yourself and your own new life.

Hurtingnowq · 23/07/2023 13:12

How often is he taking the kids OP?
and who is paying for the holidays?
hope you’re getting what you’re owed

Original poster

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 13:16

@Hurtingnowq the relationship with the DC has broken down and they now only converse via text. He blames me of course.

Divorce is currently going through the court process as he failed to communicate. I agree 100% with the comments re a mid life thing!

OP posts:

toomanyleggings · 23/07/2023 13:18

I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s unlikely to work with the young kids. He won’t want to be arsed with that. It’ll just be a sex thing at the moment and that will wear thin. Are you saying that she’s more ‘made up’/ glam than you? A lot of men do like a bit of glam but still it likely won’t last.

Wibbleswombats · 23/07/2023 13:23

My neighbour had the nicest husband then one day he literally decided he was fed up with being nice, started going out at night, got another woman, then bogged off completely...

It was like he'd had a brain transplant.

30 years on, she's s very happy but to this day has no real clue why he went, leaving her with small DC.

Concentrate on things you can control & look after yourself.

Fishpieandchips · 23/07/2023 13:27

I believe people change.
The exh is a quiet passive man. I realise I need someone who has. ore of a zest for life and who is able to communicate.
Its got nothing to do with looks as far as I'm concerned, it's more about personality, compatibility and outlook on life etc.

But go easy on yourself, think about what qualities are important to you. He probably doesn't have as many as you think.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 23/07/2023 13:51

It’s difficult, both me and the DC are still trying to get our heads around who he is.

I think people sort of mould themselves to their environment so a certain extend.
And people change (see what happens sometimes when someone really close dies or they have a health scare).

AsterixAndPersimmon · 23/07/2023 13:54

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 13:16

@Hurtingnowq the relationship with the DC has broken down and they now only converse via text. He blames me of course.

Divorce is currently going through the court process as he failed to communicate. I agree 100% with the comments re a mid life thing!

Which tells you not all is well in his side.

Changing is one thing - different interests, in some way values. But I suspect his relationship with his dcs wasn’t that strong in the first place.
And he is not in control of his own life either - otherwise he’d be in control/engaging in his own divorce.

Bonbon21 · 23/07/2023 13:59

Whatever you do... dont be bitter.. that just takes away from you as a person.
The bottom line is he couldnt make the grade with you... he just isnt good enough.. if he betrayed you and your children like this... he just isnt good enough.

And being a replacement means you will always wonder if he is going to do it again...

Nothing worse than a disappointing man, except being a disappointing father.

Stay strong ... be you...keep your standards high... your kids know the model to follow.

LakeTiticaca · 23/07/2023 14:04

Well for starters he's probably getting plenty of rumpy pumpy.
when the frantic sex life slows down, and it will, and he's bogged down with someone else's kids, the grass on the other side might not seem so green

Thelnebriati · 23/07/2023 14:05

When this happened to me, it turned out that what I was really struggling with was the fact he lied to my face, and I didn't have an inkling. Not a clue. It really shook my faith in my own ability to spot a bullshitter.

Weekenders · 23/07/2023 14:34

There's a tendency on here to give men too much agency in the decisions they make, when the reality is likely more mundane.

He was looking for a new (different) woman, and this one was available and sufficiently interested. They'll find out about compatibility further down the line, but I can't see how dwelling on it will help you.

Be kind to yourself and leave them to make their own mistakes.

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 16:05

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 13:07

Thank you everyone. It’s true that I just need to move on, it’s just a massive mindfuck. You think you know someone after all of those years……

I think her DC have a good Father who maybe has them 50/50 (how wonderful!) which allows them to go on lavish holidays.

I’m not sure if I’m still in shock, just bitter or bloody traumatised!

Who’s paying for the lavish holidays?

Original poster

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 16:47

@Beachside82 I’d guess he is, but then I don’t know her financial situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 16:48

My post isn’t about being upset he has someone new, or being jealous. I’m simply just trying to get my head around his behaviour - his apparent willingness to forget his DC and family values and for someone who the ‘old H’ would claim to dislike.

OP posts:

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