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Original poster

She’s everything I’m not….

64 replies

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 12:31

STBXH has a new girlfriend. They got together quite quickly after our split and seem very full-on, she may have been OW at some point but I guess I’ll never know.

The thing is, she seems soooo different to me and everything that ExH said that he didn’t like in a woman. She’s loud, I’m quiet. I’m very natural looking, she has lip fillers and Botox. I’m quite career focussed, she’s part time with 3 young children.

Now she could be the loveliest woman and I have nothing against her, what I can’t wrap my head around is the fact that maybe I didn’t know my husband well at all. I’m focusing on my own life and getting on with things quite well but I feel railroaded (again) that I obviously didn’t know what he wanted after all! Anyone else been here?

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 23/07/2023 16:50

Laugh at him. Move on. Be brilliant. Care not.

He fucked up his family, ruined his relationship with his children, is clearly unhappy as he tried to crawl back in, and has shacked up with someone a bit trashy-sounding with three smaller kids. He’s made choices. Quietly laugh at him for them and leave him to it.

EarthSight · 23/07/2023 17:28

Your ex might have been openly disdainful of women he was secretly sexually attracted to, but who he might previously thought to be out of his league. You can see this with incel-like, misogynist types, say horrible things and slut-shame women who they think they can't have. It's a defence mechanism, a way for them to psychologically deal with the pain of rejection they think they would face by such a woman. It doesn't matter if she's never even had the chance to reject the man - the fact that he's convinced this rejection to occur is enough to trigger that defense and hence the insults come out in advance.

This would have been further amplified if you were in ear shot because he would have wanted to reinforce the message that he was sexually attracted to you, to avoid suspicion.

Also, remember that men can be sexually attracted to women they don't actually respect. So, he might look down on women who look quite artificial, but he might be sexually attracted to them all the same.

Another point of attraction is vulerbability, which some men associate with femininity. Not sure what this women does for a living (there are some part time roles that are very well paid out there), but if she is more career and economically vulnerable than he is, if he thinks of her to be less intelligent than he is, then this could be boosting his self-esteem, sense of dominance or control, or sense masculinity.

Hurtingnowq · 23/07/2023 17:42

He fucked up his family, ruined his relationship with his children, is clearly unhappy as he tried to crawl back in, and has shacked up with someone a bit trashy-sounding with three smaller kids.

This.

Hurtingnowq · 23/07/2023 17:42

if he thinks of her to be less intelligent than he is, then this could be boosting his self-esteem, sense of dominance or control, or sense masculinity.

Yes many men, if not all, are like this. 🙄

Showdogworkingdog · 23/07/2023 17:43

As PP have said, sounds like a mid life crisis. My friend did this a few years ago, had an affair with a guy a year older than her eldest son, left her DH and went from being someone who liked long dog walks in the countryside, cooking and spending time with her family to someone obsessed with going out, wearing the latest fashions and posting photos of herself posing all over IG. She doesn’t even see her DS at the moment, he didn’t take it well so she’s left him to it, doesn’t have any contact with him. I’d known her since our DC were born 20+ years ago and I just didn’t recognise the person she turned into. We used to spend hours together, go on holiday with our kids, walk the kids to school etc for years and she was absolutely devoted to her DS. I wondered for some time whether she’d been pretending to be someone she wasn’t and unhappy all that time and I was obviously a crap friend for being oblivious to it or if she’d just radically changed overnight, it was bizarre. Still not sure what to make of it tbh.

His loss. Onwards and upwards Flowers

5128gap · 23/07/2023 17:45

A lot of people don't have a type. They are simply attracted to people who they enjoy spending time with and/or who gives them something they need. He probably finds a wide variety of physical types attractive, like most men. When she came along being fun and attentive, novel and exciting, he wouldn't be thinking, oh no thank you, I only want a quiet, natural brunette. He'd be attracted to what she brought him at that time.
Also, never believe a man when he tells you he 'dislikes' women of a type who are different from you. They're not that daft, and they know what we like to hear.

Elektra1 · 23/07/2023 17:49

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 12:47

We were together 19 years, we have teenagers together. He decided one day that he no longer loved me so off he went, tried to bully himself back months later when the grass want all that greener and now his main concern seems to be good times with his new woman.

It’s difficult, both me and the DC are still trying to get our heads around who he is. It’s like there’s someone walking around in his body.

I can relate to this. DW left me recently in similar fashion: went from being loving and "we'll be together forever" to leaving me overnight for someone she'd known 5 mins, who is the polar opposite of me. And since then I feel like someone else is occupying her body. She's turned into a different (horrible) person. It's awful. So hard to process. I guess time will do the trick.

Really hard to understand how someone can just walk out of a long marriage and straight into the next full-on thing without a backwards glance.

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 17:51

I am sorry you’ve had a rough time.

Try not to obsess about her, as it will de-rail you from moving on.

She may just be a rebound fling, he may just be having a ML crisis, or maybe he wants to try something different… you will never know so try to just focus on you.

TD7 · 23/07/2023 17:53

WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 13:07

Thank you everyone. It’s true that I just need to move on, it’s just a massive mindfuck. You think you know someone after all of those years……

I think her DC have a good Father who maybe has them 50/50 (how wonderful!) which allows them to go on lavish holidays.

I’m not sure if I’m still in shock, just bitter or bloody traumatised!

its easy to have someone back just to stop that feeling of not having anyone but all the wrong reasons many ppl are in relationships they don’t really want to be in but are to scared to be single maybe that’s what he is doing plus I think it’s easier for a guy to find a new relationships …we as women always compare ourselves to other women we shouldn’t we should be happy with who we are one thing for sure the grass is not greener I cheated on my husband 22yrs ago still to this day I regret it it was the biggest mistake of my life

AquamarineGlass · 23/07/2023 17:56

It sounds like a classic rebound.

He's going for the opposite because he hasn't processed what went wrong in his relationship with you...so going for the opposite has novelty, seems safe and seems like old problems won't reoccur.

The fact he wouldn't co-operate with the divorce is a big clue he is not actually ready to move on with his life.

It might not last.

PureLife89 · 23/07/2023 17:57

Sounds like a rebound

Trying something different to you, the chavvy fake look

He'll soon get bored of three kids, esp when he sees her with all the fake stuff removed

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 17:58

Weekenders · 23/07/2023 14:34

There's a tendency on here to give men too much agency in the decisions they make, when the reality is likely more mundane.

He was looking for a new (different) woman, and this one was available and sufficiently interested. They'll find out about compatibility further down the line, but I can't see how dwelling on it will help you.

Be kind to yourself and leave them to make their own mistakes.

This

Original poster
WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 18:02

What hurts the most is his family are really invested. I was really close to his mum yet the new woman now posts photos with her all over social media (I’ve told my friends to stop telling me this and I think they get it now.)

It almost feels like a campaign to hurt me, yet I was the innocent party - the only thing I did wrong apparently was to not take him back.

OP posts:
Hurtingnowq · 23/07/2023 18:05

You were right not to take him back. He’s too flakey and unreliable. Who knows when he would have decided to leave again.

im sorry it hurts. It’s normal. And it will pass. Keep focussed on your life and time will heal.

isthismylifenow · 23/07/2023 18:13

Happened here too OP.

I think he went straight to her, as she was what was available right then. And she had put him on such a pedestal, he could do no wrong, was so amazing blah blah blah. Same situation, she is so brazen and loud, wears the skimpiest clothing, loads of obvious make up. I am the total opposite to this.

And being a complete narcisst (and I don't use that word lightly, but he is) he just loved everything about it. I was no longer dropping everything for him, and he was number one all the time, he needed to be top dog constantly. Having smoke blown up his arse etc.

He too no longer has a relationship with either of our DC. They are second thought after her and her DC.

It is what is it I suppose. The thing that bugs me the most is how he has changed towards his own children. It really is his very big loss.

toomanyleggings · 23/07/2023 18:23

Weekenders · 23/07/2023 14:34

There's a tendency on here to give men too much agency in the decisions they make, when the reality is likely more mundane.

He was looking for a new (different) woman, and this one was available and sufficiently interested. They'll find out about compatibility further down the line, but I can't see how dwelling on it will help you.

Be kind to yourself and leave them to make their own mistakes.

This is so true.

JudgeRudy · 23/07/2023 18:34

Why do you care?
It's not unusual for people not to have a type. I'd imagine the fact that she has children means he actually likes her....as in what's inside of her body. You might think she's gobby or loud, he thinks she's chatty and a good laugh with character. Whether she turns out to be the love of his life, or she's a fuck buddy, readily available I refer you to my first comment
Why do you care?

Original poster
WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 18:35

@Hurtingnowq yes! So glad I didn’t take him back, it would never have been the same. Looking back, hun walking out on us that day was the BEST thing to happen. Yes we are hurt, but the house is more peaceful and one divorce is finalised, we can start to live and plan a better future.

OP posts:
Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 18:36

we can start to live and plan a better future.

start doing that now

Original poster
WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 18:38

@isthismylifenow same here, my friends joke that I should write a book called ‘Divorcing a Narcissist’.

He is the most self-absorbed, entitled and unfeeling person to exist. I hope that his relationship lasts, at least it is keeping him occupied and way from us. I’m sad that my kids don’t have a Dad, but at least there is consistency with him not being around rather than him wanting to see them when he chooses.

OP posts:
jazzybelle · 23/07/2023 18:40

So what is the issue here? That she isn't the sort of woman you thought he'd like or that she posts photos with his mum on social media?

Original poster
WTF202333 · 23/07/2023 18:47

@jazzybelle as I’ve said previously, it’s about me trying to get my head around some of his behaviours - nothing more, nothing less. I’m not digging at the new woman, I’m sure she is lovely and has some better qualities than I do - we just seem very different.
Yes, I’m hurt - I think it would be weird not to feel how I do after such a long marriage with an ending that completely blindsided me.

OP posts:
Diminishingreturns99 · 23/07/2023 18:48

JudgeRudy · 23/07/2023 18:34

Why do you care?
It's not unusual for people not to have a type. I'd imagine the fact that she has children means he actually likes her....as in what's inside of her body. You might think she's gobby or loud, he thinks she's chatty and a good laugh with character. Whether she turns out to be the love of his life, or she's a fuck buddy, readily available I refer you to my first comment
Why do you care?

Don’t wish to sound rude but can you really not imagine why op might care?

After being married and having dc with someone and presumably spending a good few years living with someone?

Op may be glad that the marriage is over but unless you are a robot you can’t just totally switch off all of your emotions.

People are not black and white. It’s still possible to like and love some aspects of a person even though you really don’t want to be married to them any more.

And anyway op has explained that this new gf seems to be the opposite to her in character, so she’s looking back on their relationship and wondering if he did like her character or whether he is pretending to like this woman’s, or vice versa, or what? It’s not a crime to wonder about that is it? Only human to do so I would have thought!

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 18:48

* She’s loud, I’m quiet. I’m very natural looking, she has lip fillers and Botox. I’m quite career focussed, she’s part time with 3 young children.*

who told you all this?

Diminishingreturns99 · 23/07/2023 18:49

Sorry x posts with you op!