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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He spat in my face

80 replies

Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 02:35

That's it really. Spoken to an officer and I feel like a complete drama queen because he didn't hurt me. please help me.

OP posts:
LittleEsme · 23/07/2023 09:19

And like @xPeaceXx says, there is no way back from this relationship.

LakeTiticaca · 23/07/2023 09:30

Anyone spitting in someone's face is beyond vile. It may not "physically hurt" you but it sends out a very big message, ie: this person feels contempt towards you. Don't let this person near you ever again

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/07/2023 10:13

I think you have to find the strength to continue with charges. Is he the person who raped you, or is he joking about something terrible that happened to you before he met you? Either way, he is a complete disgusting person.

Does he live with you?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/07/2023 10:17

💐 don't back down, you deserve more

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/07/2023 10:19

He'll lose his job

Who gives a fuck. He SPAT in your face.

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2023 10:21

You've dumped him right?

Please get a non molestation order on him so he can't come near you.

lazarusb · 23/07/2023 10:35

You will be doing yourself and your child the biggest favour if you continue with charges and obtain a non molestation order. It took me years to find the courage to leave my ex with my then 5 year old Ds but it's the best decision I ever made.

Sending you strength and respect for calling the police and speaking to them today 💐

ManAboutTown · 23/07/2023 10:40

The spitting thing is beyond disgusting.

Just leave - look after your daughter. From all you have posted this man is a danger to you both

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/07/2023 10:49

What everyone else has said.

You should feel safe with a partner, and apart from everything else if you were worried he might cheat on you that is not a good relationship.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/07/2023 11:53

I've seen your other post where he stayed away and you were worried.

Get rid of him

user64827777 · 23/07/2023 12:43

Time to leave. Leave with nothing.

I left with £0. You can do this OP 💪🏼

caramac04 · 23/07/2023 12:52

That would end it for me. Spitting is actually a violent act and quite likely a precursor to a slap or a punch.
It is incredibly disrespectful and I would not be with a man who did that to me.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Please don’t let yourself be treated like this. Ducks in a row time.

caramac04 · 23/07/2023 12:54

Or actually, forget the ducks, get him away from you asap. You deserve so much more.

oi0Y0io · 23/07/2023 12:59

You say he's the only person that has made you feel loved, you may feel bonded to him but this is not love, it's a form of trauma bond.
What you feel is him making you feel loved is him grooming you and keeping you sweet so that you'll stay around for him to continue to abuse you and treat you with absolute utter contempt.
It's not your fault, you have given him your complete trust and he has messed with your head so much that you can't tell up from down, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you must get away from him.

xPeaceXx · 23/07/2023 22:15

Yeh, it's a trauma bond, not love.
Hope you're staying strong @Iamridiculous

User68253 · 24/07/2023 01:02

I've had an abusive ex strangle, bite, kick me and punch holes in walls and I honestly think spitting is worse. Also, I didn't think I was in an abusive relationship despite the above incidents because he cried after and I fell for the remorse, and they were spread out between lots of lovely behaviour and I was young and naive. It wasn't until I ended it and quite some time had passed before I realised how bad it was. We tend to downplay absuve situations because from media, we assume all abusive relationships are women in constant fear and intimidation of physical attack, not snapshots of abuse in a sometimes loving relationship. Not just from media actually, I recently did a family support course and all examples of abuse in the training were very extreme examples, it is this perception that keeps people in abusive relationships.

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 26/07/2023 00:14

Hello everyone. I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to return to the thread, I've felt sick and not eaten in 2 days.

I asked police not to come when my DD was here so I only spoke to them today at the station. I was very under the influence at the time and because of my sketchy memory it won't be proceeding. It is documented though and the officers were lovely, just not really any chance on conviction without proof and him denying it.

He have however finished with him and his stuff has been removed. Arrangement made of when to pick up DD (genuinely no concerns on that front and she's old enough to go out herself, she was not here so no idea what happened) then I blocked because I have no reason to hear from him until contact days.

I will unblock while she is there incase of emergencies.

Thank you so much for your support. Reading back what I wrote and everyone's replies had me in tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 26/07/2023 00:18

Or maybe just unblock his work number because he won't send anything personal on that as it goes to the cloud.

I have to be honest and say I still don't feel it was that bad. I know it is but I don't FEEL it. I'm not sure how to think differently?

PP are rightly appalled but I'm not. Why am I not? I don't understand my own thinking,

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 26/07/2023 00:19

Sorry, I meant I was under the influence during the call and not at the station!!

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2023 00:34

I had a similar problem. We had been at a party once and both been drinking. someone said something that pissed him off, never found out what, and he took it out on me, dislocated finger was the least of it. Because I had also had a drink, although a hell of a lot less than him, I was told that my testimony would be pulled to pieces in court and wouldnt stand much chance of conviction.
They deny it and we have to prove that they are lying rather than them having to prove that they are not. Basically in court the only person on trial is the victim. We are tried on the basis that we might have asked for it, might have deserved it (yes some people still think like that) or that we "started" it. Its fucked up.

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 26/07/2023 01:38

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/07/2023 00:34

I had a similar problem. We had been at a party once and both been drinking. someone said something that pissed him off, never found out what, and he took it out on me, dislocated finger was the least of it. Because I had also had a drink, although a hell of a lot less than him, I was told that my testimony would be pulled to pieces in court and wouldnt stand much chance of conviction.
They deny it and we have to prove that they are lying rather than them having to prove that they are not. Basically in court the only person on trial is the victim. We are tried on the basis that we might have asked for it, might have deserved it (yes some people still think like that) or that we "started" it. Its fucked up.

Oh I'm so sorry.

I thought if you had a dislocated finger and injuries that would be proof? I accepted it because you can't prove a spit and because it was his bottle that smashed there was no way to prove it wasn't accidentally knocked over by our dog they said. Said without any evidence other than mine it wouldn't go anywhere and because I couldn't remember details properly it was pointless anyway because defense would basically go on the fact I had been drinking and couldn't remember it properly. I absolutely know it happened. I couldn't say why it happened, what lead to it, what time it happened etc.

It's still on file though and they said because we have a child (despite her not being there) it will be shared with social services but they won't come out because it's been recorded as a 'non-criminal domestic'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 26/07/2023 03:20

Sorry, I also meant to say to those who asked. it wasn't him who raped me but he knew about it (years before I met him) and knows I am anxious when I meet someone and can only do anything after I can trust them. So him laughing at that when he knows it has changed me forever was the worst part.

OP posts:
Epidote · 26/07/2023 07:02

OP now you are not under his influence which is the worst influence you can be under.

Keep yourself safe and tell your daughter to keep herself safe and do not allow him any disrespect.

Small steps to recover your self steem and you will be feeling better soon. Nobody needs to live with someone than treat you that way.

All the best for you and your daughter.

Poppyblush · 26/07/2023 07:06

I’m glad you’ve kicked him out. Good luck.

Pottyberry · 26/07/2023 09:12

Oh OP, mocking a woman for being affected by rape, spitting in her face and smashing glass bottles are not the actions of a 'normal' partner.
Imagine the words of support and strength you would have for your daughter if she told you her partner behaved like that, and give those words to yourself.

It is that bad. Its disgusting and frightening.