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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He spat in my face

80 replies

Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 02:35

That's it really. Spoken to an officer and I feel like a complete drama queen because he didn't hurt me. please help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:32

He spat in my face
OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:34

Thats just a little bit. I swept other stuff im just in shock sorry. Bits everywhere but no one else here

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 23/07/2023 03:35

Leave it for the police. It will have fingerprints.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2023 03:35

And this is how abusers find out what you will put up with.

You get scared of change and pressing charges so you drop it, and he knows that the police wont pursue it. then he comes back and next time it is a spit plus a slap. Then a slap plus a punch....

I have lived that life. Keep strong sweetheart, you are not alone. There is a reason why the police have a protocol around people who spit as a form of attack/defence.

If him being called out on his behaviour means he would lose his job, then he should never have had that job in the first place and you are doing a favour to the rest of humanity.

Keep the faith Flowers

Fraaahnces · 23/07/2023 03:38

Spitting demonstrates absolute contempt for you. The broken bottles are intimidation and threats of physical violence. You need to find enough respect for yourself and your kids to follow through with pressing legal charges.

Original poster
Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:44

Thank you. The rape thing is the only thing that's made me want to continue with charges. How could anyone be so cruel. 10 years.20 years of loving someone and they do this. Id have done anything for him. I was posting only last week about worrying he would cheat on me. I hate myself. I'm so weak.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:45

10 not 20!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:47

He kicked me once. Dragged me across the floor but I thought he was just being an idiot and maybe it was my fault because he's not treated other exes like that. I'd know because they don't like him so would have said.

OP posts:
BingoBastards · 23/07/2023 03:50

He's a horror. Hopefully you can get some rest soon as it's draining going through something like that.

Be very clear with the police how he's behaved however difficult.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/07/2023 04:00

Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:47

He kicked me once. Dragged me across the floor but I thought he was just being an idiot and maybe it was my fault because he's not treated other exes like that. I'd know because they don't like him so would have said.

Or they know what he is capable of, and dont want to risk him hurting them again.

Would I tell my ex's new GF (if he has one, I dont know) what he did? No. Because it would put me in danger again. I cant trust that she wouldnt tell him that I told her what he was like, and I know he would then try to take it out on me.

All I can do is hope that he doesnt do it to her, even though I know deep down that he probably will.

And the fact that they all hate him tells you all you need to know.

TheProcrastinati · 23/07/2023 04:01

well Done for calling police. What an absolute fiend your partner is.

do not doubt yourself for even a second. You have done exactly the right thing.

alisonofagun · 23/07/2023 04:02

Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:44

Thank you. The rape thing is the only thing that's made me want to continue with charges. How could anyone be so cruel. 10 years.20 years of loving someone and they do this. Id have done anything for him. I was posting only last week about worrying he would cheat on me. I hate myself. I'm so weak.

The last line made me cry.
You are NOT weak.
We will help you find your strength if it's hiding at the moment - it's there.

CJsGoldfish · 23/07/2023 04:36

Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:47

He kicked me once. Dragged me across the floor but I thought he was just being an idiot and maybe it was my fault because he's not treated other exes like that. I'd know because they don't like him so would have said.

He is an abusive 'man' and you are in an abusive relationship.
You can't know he didn't do this with others, it's likely he did, but his exes may keep quiet out of fear or the humiliation. Those things don't just disappear

TwilightSkies · 23/07/2023 04:40

You are 100% doing the right thing by reporting him. He’s an abuser. I hope you get a bit of sleep xx

Gracewithoutend · 23/07/2023 04:42

Felt like I was going crazy. I genuinely didn't do anything. I even tried to sort it out. I don't understand it.

It doesn't matter what you did or said or thought, this down to him, not you. Come on. Get yourself together. How would you feel if someone did this to your daughter, your mother, your sister? You'd want them to leave. Why do you think all of them deserve to be treated with more consideration than you?
Compare how you want to be treated to how you are being. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this what you want for your daughter? To be scared to be in her own home?
You've done well to get this far. You have to take a few more steps tomorrow. You can do this. There are some wonderful women on here, many of them have been through what you have. They will be around in the morning and of you have doubts, they will hold your hand through this.
I think you deserve better. Why don't you?

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 23/07/2023 04:50

It is NEVER your fault EVER.
There is nothing that justifies accepting being spat at or having your hair pulled or abused in any way. It is ABUSE every single tome no matter the circumstances. If he loses his job that is on him and only him. He chose to act that way. Stay strong

WandaWonder · 23/07/2023 04:59

You know you need to leave and not keep on putting up with it then justifying it to yourself then It happens again then justify it to yourself rinse and repeat

decaffonlypls · 23/07/2023 06:32

Abuse isn't just being hit - it can be pushing, kicking, verbally attacking, sexual, financial and much more. You should never feel afraid of a partner. Spitting on someone is horrific and would be enough to leave but it sounds like there's been more. Get help from a woman's charity and speak to police. Keep your self safe.

Epidote · 23/07/2023 06:52

Tell the police everything. What he did now and what he did before.
Leave the relationship and do not talk to him anymore. Only the necessary regarding financial stuff. I would also try to check if his visit to DC can be supervised. He can be a human but definitely is not a person.

Parky04 · 23/07/2023 07:30

Iamridiculous · 23/07/2023 03:22

it was a long time ago but even so. Do people really do this? I can't believe it. He's the only person who ever made me feel loved..

People who love and respect each other don't. You must leave him, he sounds like a vile piece of shit.

araresight · 23/07/2023 08:40

Oh OP, it doesn't matter if it was 'just once' or if it was ages ago. During the duration of the relationship he has kicked you, dragged you across the floor, spat in your face, laughed at you being raped and done something that resulted in several bottles being broken. And I bet there is much, much more.

If he loses his job, he loses his job. If he didn't want to lose his job, he shouldn't have done those things. I hope you're able to keep strong and to keep safe.

Oversharingnamechanged · 23/07/2023 08:43

You have to be the strongest you've ever been, have to.
You have been incredible reporting to the police.
I've been spat and and witnessed it happen to my DM.
If he can spit on you, he can hurt you physically and sexually. Spitting is just hideous, derogatory and gives the person being spat at so much shame.

If you need to talk my inbox is open, but for your precious DD, get out, never go back.

Much love, strength and solidarity you brave woman 💐

perfectcolourfound · 23/07/2023 08:51

It sounds like there are a number of ways he's been abusive in the past as well as more recently. You didn't see them as abuse at the time and they are starting to come to mind now. Before the Police arrive, it might help you to make a list of incidents. The spitting, the broken glass, the dragging you along the floor. The rape comment (it isn't clear if this refers to a time he actually raped you, but if it is then of course that needs to be reported). Gather some thoughts so you make the best use of that interview, and they get a clear picture. And if you aren't happy he's taken the dog, tell them that too.

xPeaceXx · 23/07/2023 09:06

I don't think you're dramatic. Like many of us, you are having a reaction too late not too soon.

You can take photos if you want, but you know what happened. Trust your own interpretation of events. There is no coming back from this in a relationship way.

It would be pretend. You cannot have a respectful, authentic, reciprocal connection with somebody who has spat in your face. So, you do need to split up and that is never going to be easy, he probably wont accept it and will pressure you and gaslight you to over look things you know you can't ignore. So you're not dramatic. You're going to have to find the resilience and the optimism to get through this rough patch.

You can and you will but it's not easy, so if you feel a little bit like you're leaning in to drama, ignore that feeling because you need to act on the fight or flight feelings. The last thing you need to do is to freeze and gaslight yourself in to thinking that a normal reaction to somebody spitting in your face is drama

It's not. The anaesthetic is wearing off. You're finally having a reaction to being treated like shit. When you're not allowed to have a reaction to being treated badly, it can become confusing. If you're not having a reaction to being treated like shit, were you treated like shit? It's confusing. But trust that you were treated badly and you can and should put a stop to it.

LittleEsme · 23/07/2023 09:17

I've taught teenagers from homes where this happened.

They're broken. No matter how much you'll try and shield them, the children see it, hear it, feel it and it damages them in their formative years. It truly is unfixable and they carry this hurt into their own adult lives.

OP, you are doing the bravest thing by reporting it but you must hang onto this bravery and leave this excuse for a human being. If not for your sake, then for your DD.