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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so lost. So very confused. If one person replies, I’ll be grateful.

65 replies

Red1990 · 23/07/2023 01:35

If you read all of this… thank you. I need to rant to strangers.

This will be a jumbled ramble of a 12 year relationship and I want to know if I need professional help or if I’m normal. It’s gone on so long, I don’t even know anymore:

met my husband at 19- he was the same age. I had/still have very difficult mental health problems due to childhood issues and losing my biological father. (He is still alive, he just chose to not be in my life) plus I have ver recent diagnosis of ADHD.

my husband has a very serious gambling addiction, due to his own childhood issues and this has resulted in me being constantly worried about how we will survive. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach.

we love each other very much and he truly looks after me but sometimes I worry it’s just not enough.

we have 2 children together and both work very hard but all our income goes into his bank account.

we privately rent and have a lot of outgoings, so I’ve always be willing to accept that we have no extra income for holidays or days/nights out, clothes or luxuries.
its just something I’ve learned to live without.

one friend has recently made an accusation that my husband is abusive. She said that he controls all our finances and therefore controls me.

this was hard to hear and I felt very protective of him…but it also got me thinking.

I grew up in my home, met my husband, got pregnant, got married, had a second child and just settled into this life. I’ve never questioned it.

my husband does not drink or go on the sort of nights out that I hear hundreds of women complain about. He just wants to spend his time with me and the kids.

problem is… I WANT to go out with my friends. I want a break from them. I want to be able to say yes to plans without having to “run it by him first”

I feel that I am just existing in a world that is run by my husband and indeed, my children.

I can’t even blame them for this because I’ve always just accepted that “this is my life and I need to deal with it”

but the bottom line is, I’m not happy.

I love my husband. I love my kids…

but I CRAVE a life of my own. One where I can be by invited to the pub after work or a coffee date with mum friends without “checking in” at home.

Ive lost who I am before I had a chance to find myself.

is that weird? Especially when I should be grateful? My children are 6 and 9, they are everything to me. My family are EVERYTHING… but I am not happy.

why?!!!!! Am I weird???

OP posts:
andjustlikethat1 · 23/07/2023 01:40

You are not weird. your husband seems to be quite controlling especially with finances, there is money for gambling and none left for treats.

IslaSkywalker · 23/07/2023 01:40

You're not weird, you're being controlled by a man who thinks it's the 1950s. I'm guessing you don't work yourself?

Floralnomad · 23/07/2023 01:40

Do you have free and open access to the bank account with your own debit card , if the answer to that is no then your friend is correct and it is financial abuse . Do you know about the family finances - income and outgoings and what is left ?

SataumaMeddler · 23/07/2023 01:41

Gently, I do not want to upset you but this man is indeed a financially controlling abuser. Please make contact with your local women's aid. They can support you - there is a wonderful butterfly free life awaiting you if you want it

Original poster
Red1990 · 23/07/2023 01:41

I work as teaching assistant but my wages will only cover our rent xx

OP posts:
Opine · 23/07/2023 01:41

Your friend is right. That’s no way to live and most people couldn’t do it. It’s normal to you because it’s been going on so long but it definitely not normal.

Everyone needs friends & some free time. If you can’t have either because of your husband he is a huge problem.

Imogensmumma · 23/07/2023 01:41

Your friend is 100% right! Why is all the money going into his bank account? Do you work? If so it needs to go into either a joint or your own bank account.

A true life partner you should be able to sit and talk about how to share funds, if you can’t it’s financial abuse. Seek some help from women’s aid and start to protect your own identity and freedom

Groutyonehereagain · 23/07/2023 01:43

Why does he control your money? He has a gambling addiction, so he is putting that first above you and the children. You have no money because he’s wasting it. Of course you’re unhappy. I can’t see a future for you with this idiot. Make plans now to leave. 💐

FFSwhatisthis · 23/07/2023 01:46

Why are your wages going into a bank account you don't have access to & why on gods Green Earth is a man that gambles controlling your family finances.

nooooooo

no way could I live how you are.

Original poster
Red1990 · 23/07/2023 01:53

I stopped contact with this friend. Because I felt that she was trying to cause problems in our marriage and in our life. But I am starting to realise that she was looking out for me.

I have to defend my husband in that I struggle with most things and become easily overwhelmed and he always gets me through it. He is so supportive of me when I’m having a panic attack or random meltdown for no apparent reason.

I am so dependent on him, that I really do wish I wasn’t !!!

my friend said at the time that he was with me because he had someone that needed him and could therefore control me.

it’s so confusing because i honestly don’t know what I’d do without him xx

OP posts:
LawnmowerBlues · 23/07/2023 01:54

Hang on, he has a very serious gambling addiction, and you pay your wages into his bank account? And you then find that money's tight? That's.... Not good news. That's the bit to focus on, don't just handwave that away!

Original poster
Red1990 · 23/07/2023 01:58

I think I just bury my head because I don’t want to deal with the consequences.

and yes I know I’m weak and ridiculous.

I have a huge family, my sisters are my best friends but I guess I’m reluctant to share how I feel as I know they will say the same things you are xxxxx

OP posts:
MumGMT · 23/07/2023 02:07

problem is… I WANT to go out with my friends. I want a break from them. I want to be able to say yes to plans without having to “run it by him first”

Why do you run it by him? Does he expect you to? or complain if you don't? or is this a habit you've fallen into? or is it due to the fact that you don't have access to your own money?

Controlling the family money is financial abuse, but he likely won't see it that way if he's an addict trying to fund his addiction.

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 02:07

Red1990 · 23/07/2023 01:58

I think I just bury my head because I don’t want to deal with the consequences.

and yes I know I’m weak and ridiculous.

I have a huge family, my sisters are my best friends but I guess I’m reluctant to share how I feel as I know they will say the same things you are xxxxx

When did you start having your wages paid into your husbands account? Who’s idea was that?

IslaSkywalker · 23/07/2023 02:09

Red1990 · 23/07/2023 01:41

I work as teaching assistant but my wages will only cover our rent xx

I asked if you work because you said he has control of the bank account that's in his name. Does your salary go into his account?

Original poster
Red1990 · 23/07/2023 02:12

we have always paid our wages into a “joint account” which used to be in both our names when we started out.

over the years we’ve been together and the many times I’ve had debt collectors turn up at our door, I’ve realised that you can hide a lot if you really want to!

i just want to say, I really appreciate all your replies.

OP posts:
IslaSkywalker · 23/07/2023 02:14

Red1990 · 23/07/2023 01:53

I stopped contact with this friend. Because I felt that she was trying to cause problems in our marriage and in our life. But I am starting to realise that she was looking out for me.

I have to defend my husband in that I struggle with most things and become easily overwhelmed and he always gets me through it. He is so supportive of me when I’m having a panic attack or random meltdown for no apparent reason.

I am so dependent on him, that I really do wish I wasn’t !!!

my friend said at the time that he was with me because he had someone that needed him and could therefore control me.

it’s so confusing because i honestly don’t know what I’d do without him xx

You've been gaslighted and conditioned to believe you need him. A family member had this. Married to a gambler. Separate bank accounts but she didn't know how much he earned ever which is stupid when you share a home and family. He handed over housekeeping money in cash. He conditioned her to the extent she's now afraid to leave the house and the relationship has been over for three years. She's been in therapy and not making progress.

Set up your own bank account on Monday and get your salary paid into it

Original poster
Red1990 · 23/07/2023 02:15

I think I run things by him out of habit but also because I know that he’d be annoyed if I just sprung it on him.

Even as I write this, I know how silly it sounds!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Red1990 · 23/07/2023 02:19

I’ve always paid my wages into his account, ever since we moved in together. It was suppose to be “our account” but hindsight is a wonderful thing!!

OP posts:
caringcarer · 23/07/2023 02:19

Open your own bank account and have your wages put into there. Tell DH you will pay half the rent and he can pay the other half. Pay some towards food but keep a bit back for yourself so you aren't reliant on your DH. Also make sure child benefit is paid into your bank account. You certainly don't want DH gambling with your money or benefit for DC. If you claim a UC top up make sure you get that too to cover gas, electricity and council tax. How much does your DH gamble each week? It's not right you and DC go without things just so your DH can continue to gamble. Tell your DH it must stop. Seek help from Woman's Aid. He is financially abusing you but you just didn't realise it before. Speak to your friend who was trying to warn you what was happening. Get support from your sister and confide to her, about DH gambling.

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 02:19

What would he do worse case scenario if you just said “oh btw I’m off for a few drinks tonight with …..”

Original poster
Red1990 · 23/07/2023 02:22

I appreciate all of your kind words…thank you 😘

OP posts:
Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 02:31

It’s seems like you’re very afraid of him OP. In a normal healthy relationship you’d be able to communicate to your partner how you’re feeling trapped and they’d support you lovingly in making sure you go out there and do things that make you happy. Even In some rocky relationships couples are able to talk through their issues without the same fears you have.
it’s never too late to change your life around. You can still be a devoted wife and mother and go for drinks with friends. If he truly loves you, he’d want you to do that.
and it’s it very wrong that you have no access to money. With both of you working there should be some left over for a little treat each month whether it’s a pizza or a bit of makeup.
anyway you should put your kids first and demand he gets help for his gambling addiction, because ultimately it’s ruining their childhood. Holidays are important (my dad was an addict and we never went on holidays).

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 23/07/2023 02:38

Tell him you’re off for a coffee weds after work - just you and a friend, no children.
His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

MumGMT · 23/07/2023 02:41

caringcarer · 23/07/2023 02:19

Open your own bank account and have your wages put into there. Tell DH you will pay half the rent and he can pay the other half. Pay some towards food but keep a bit back for yourself so you aren't reliant on your DH. Also make sure child benefit is paid into your bank account. You certainly don't want DH gambling with your money or benefit for DC. If you claim a UC top up make sure you get that too to cover gas, electricity and council tax. How much does your DH gamble each week? It's not right you and DC go without things just so your DH can continue to gamble. Tell your DH it must stop. Seek help from Woman's Aid. He is financially abusing you but you just didn't realise it before. Speak to your friend who was trying to warn you what was happening. Get support from your sister and confide to her, about DH gambling.

The first part is good advice in theory, but I worry about how an addict may act if cut off from his supply.

Obviously that's what you need to do OP if you're staying with him but make sure you first of all seek advice from womens aid and is there a support group for families of gamblers? maybe someone can recommend? and definitely speak to your sisters about it. You need to protect yourself in case he turns nasty.