I am so lost. So very confused. If one person replies, I’ll be grateful.

[Red1990]

If you read all of this… thank you. I need to rant to strangers.

This will be a jumbled ramble of a 12 year relationship and I want to know if I need professional help or if I’m normal. It’s gone on so long, I don’t even know anymore:

met my husband at 19- he was the same age. I had/still have very difficult mental health problems due to childhood issues and losing my biological father. (He is still alive, he just chose to not be in my life) plus I have ver recent diagnosis of ADHD.

my husband has a very serious gambling addiction, due to his own childhood issues and this has resulted in me being constantly worried about how we will survive. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach.

we love each other very much and he truly looks after me but sometimes I worry it’s just not enough.

we have 2 children together and both work very hard but all our income goes into his bank account.

we privately rent and have a lot of outgoings, so I’ve always be willing to accept that we have no extra income for holidays or days/nights out, clothes or luxuries.
its just something I’ve learned to live without.

one friend has recently made an accusation that my husband is abusive. She said that he controls all our finances and therefore controls me.

this was hard to hear and I felt very protective of him…but it also got me thinking.

I grew up in my home, met my husband, got pregnant, got married, had a second child and just settled into this life. I’ve never questioned it.

my husband does not drink or go on the sort of nights out that I hear hundreds of women complain about. He just wants to spend his time with me and the kids.

problem is… I WANT to go out with my friends. I want a break from them. I want to be able to say yes to plans without having to “run it by him first”

I feel that I am just existing in a world that is run by my husband and indeed, my children.

I can’t even blame them for this because I’ve always just accepted that “this is my life and I need to deal with it”

but the bottom line is, I’m not happy.

I love my husband. I love my kids…

but I CRAVE a life of my own. One where I can be by invited to the pub after work or a coffee date with mum friends without “checking in” at home.

Ive lost who I am before I had a chance to find myself.

is that weird? Especially when I should be grateful? My children are 6 and 9, they are everything to me. My family are EVERYTHING… but I am not happy.

why?!!!!! Am I weird???

I agree with PPs -

1. Saying - I am going out on Wed / Thursday - is that OK is perfectly normal for most people
2. All money going into an account which a gambling addict has control over is not OK - Family money has to come first even if he gets his own little pot , but ideally he doesn't get access to the family money ( easier said than done - I know )
3. "over the years we’ve been together and the many times I’ve had debt collectors turn up at our door, I’ve realised that you can hide a lot if you really want to! " - This sounds unusual - not how many people live

Try https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/gamanon Help for the person but also I think gives help for friends and family affected

I wish you well.

my husband has a very serious gambling addiction,
all our income goes into his bank account.

I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach.

Good grief, that's insane! Get that changed immediately. Get his wages into your account, not a joint.

daisychain01 · Yesterday 05:50
I had 3 CCJS because my Ex wife put thousands of pounds in loans and overdrafts in my name

How was it possible to put debt in your name - no bank or finance house will have assigned loans and overdrafts without your consent - you must have signed on the dotted line somehow, for debt to be in your name. So you can't blame your ex for that

@daisychain01,I think this is a very unfair comment. It's victim blaming. People can and do copy signatures you know, and even when they don't there is a thing called 'coercive control' where someone is put under pressure to do things they really don't want to do.

If you understood abuse you would know that abusers are highly manipulative, exploit others for their own needs, and insist on doing things their way to the detriment of others whilst adding in abit of kindness from time to time the relationship going. Abusers are clever. Their not going to be abusive 100% iof the time otherwise the they wouldn't be able to maintain control in the relationship.

*If this man really cared about your mental heath OP he wouldn't be selfishly gambling away the family funds and he would want you to go out from time to time with your friends and family because that would help improve your MH. What he's doing is completely unfair. He obviously wants you close to him so he can keep manipulating you.

Does he work?

Yes great ideas, it's just all so easy with an abuser to have these chats and iron it all out 🙄
The fact of the matter is, OP shouldn't of had to ask permission, letting the other partner know is different, because obviously someone has to be there for the kids, is different to asking.

He has gambling problem so controls all your finances???? Thats just nuts.

Very practically

• double up on contraception.
• set up your own bank account. Wages go in there.
• set up an actual joint account that bills go from (this could be the existing account) you and he have cards and mobile banking. Both have full transparency on transactions.) pay your wages minus personal spending - this should be the same for you and him. Purchases for children ALL go from joint account

Checking in before you go out. Totally Normal.
Going out alone either or your own or with friends. Also normal.
Your spouse making it impossible for you to spend time alone by guilt tripping you, refusing or sabotaging your solo time. Not Normal.

Yeah this is not true.

Why not? I have been with my husband long enough that I can do a very, very passable version of his signature. I know all of his details as I have been filling forms out for us for years.
I can almost guarantee if I wanted to take finance out in his name it would be quite easy.

@PomTiddlyPomPom quite. I was trying to disagree with @daisychain01 and say its not true that a spouse can't take out loans on your behalf but I can see that isn't clear.

Get your own bank account, today.
I think it's reasonable to ask about going out if it involves one of you having to stay home with the kids - but you shouldn't ever be made to feel bad about it, and unless there's a logistical reason why it isn't possible (IE he has to work that evening) then there should not be a problem.

Apologies I miss read your message.
I don't understand posters that can't fathom this happening.

I think there are 2 separate issues:

Financial - he definitely sounds controlling/abusive. I agree you shouldn't be paying your salary into his account

Being able to go out - I think it depends WHY you're running it by him? if you're worried it will be an issue or expecting him to tell you that you can't, this would be an issue and again sounds abusive/controlling.

However, I'd class myself as being in a happy non-controlling relationship. My DP and I would still run it past each other before going to the pub after work. That's how I think it needs to be when you have young DC that are an age that still need an adult to look after them. In this case I'd say I was more checking out if courtesy and to make sure the other will be around for the dc. It would only ever be an issue if the other had already made plans. Even then it would be a civil conversation and it would come down to whoever "asked" first...unless one event was a special occasion that couldn't change (eg a friends hen weekend)

Jesus Christ. He’s done a real number on you.

Your poor friend was on the money.

Your friend was looking out for you.

Your husband is a financially controlling asshole.

You are weak and allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated.

There is no money available for treats/days out but there is money available for gambling (or, he as ran up vast amounts of debt due to the said gambling).

You have no existence outside of being a wife and mother. That is an awful way to live.

Confide in your sisters and your friend.

Get your ducks in a row and see what financial help you could get elsewhere.

Leave him.

You will never be happy otherwise.

I used to have to ask permission to go out.

I don't anymore.

It feels wonderful. My lovely man and I do check in and compare calendars etc.. but it's not the way it was with exH. There's a big, heavy and oppressive difference. Even thinking back to it squashes the air out of my lungs a bit.

Sending lots of strength for you to reach your wonderful. I bet your friend will be so glad to hear from you and know you've listened.

Forged signatures ? I've taken a loan out online with an electronic signature.