I am so lost. So very confused. If one person replies, I’ll be grateful.

[Red1990]

If you read all of this… thank you. I need to rant to strangers.

This will be a jumbled ramble of a 12 year relationship and I want to know if I need professional help or if I’m normal. It’s gone on so long, I don’t even know anymore:

met my husband at 19- he was the same age. I had/still have very difficult mental health problems due to childhood issues and losing my biological father. (He is still alive, he just chose to not be in my life) plus I have ver recent diagnosis of ADHD.

my husband has a very serious gambling addiction, due to his own childhood issues and this has resulted in me being constantly worried about how we will survive. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach.

we love each other very much and he truly looks after me but sometimes I worry it’s just not enough.

we have 2 children together and both work very hard but all our income goes into his bank account.

we privately rent and have a lot of outgoings, so I’ve always be willing to accept that we have no extra income for holidays or days/nights out, clothes or luxuries.
its just something I’ve learned to live without.

one friend has recently made an accusation that my husband is abusive. She said that he controls all our finances and therefore controls me.

this was hard to hear and I felt very protective of him…but it also got me thinking.

I grew up in my home, met my husband, got pregnant, got married, had a second child and just settled into this life. I’ve never questioned it.

my husband does not drink or go on the sort of nights out that I hear hundreds of women complain about. He just wants to spend his time with me and the kids.

problem is… I WANT to go out with my friends. I want a break from them. I want to be able to say yes to plans without having to “run it by him first”

I feel that I am just existing in a world that is run by my husband and indeed, my children.

I can’t even blame them for this because I’ve always just accepted that “this is my life and I need to deal with it”

but the bottom line is, I’m not happy.

I love my husband. I love my kids…

but I CRAVE a life of my own. One where I can be by invited to the pub after work or a coffee date with mum friends without “checking in” at home.

Ive lost who I am before I had a chance to find myself.

is that weird? Especially when I should be grateful? My children are 6 and 9, they are everything to me. My family are EVERYTHING… but I am not happy.

why?!!!!! Am I weird???

When you’re in an abusive relationship, you do feel helpless and dependent on the abuser. That’s because he’s manipulated you into being like that. Talk to Women’s Aid, my lovely, they will help you.

If I’m being brutally honest, with the cost of your outgoings and your mental health you don’t sound like your in a position yet to upset the apple cart.

If I was you I would work on not being so dependant on him first before I was to do anything, slowly detach, sort your mental health problems out and make new friends. Then I would have the wages go into my own account and send the money over for the finances. The money needs to be split more fairly, there can’t be money for gambling but no money for a life, he needs to share it. If I was you I would try to increase my wages somehow.

A much better set up would be for there to be three accounts. One personal account each and a joint account. All the joint bills come out of the joint account as direct debits. The joint account needs money going in every month from both of you to cover rent and bills. You could also use it for food and kids clothings. Then in your own accounts you both retain a bit of fun money and if there’s any spare, you could save from that. You set the joint account up so that there’s no room/easy way to gamble it away - maybe you don’t keep a debit card for it so it’s only for direct debits like rent, although then you’d need a different system for the food shopping.
Whether or not he’d agree to this is something else though.

This is not love OP. It just isn't.
He 'saved' you from whatever was going on when you were 19. Tbh, he probably 'recognised' in you something he could exploit. You were hardly in a position to know any better or the growth to stay away from something so unhealthy.
You are in an abusive relationship. Your children are learning that this abusive relationship. is 'normal' because it is their 'normal' They deserve more than this and it is up to you to provide it. You are far stronger than you know, you just have to believe that.
I'd contact your friend. Clearly she had your best interests at heart and could be a huge support while you examine your relationship and your life.
You have so many years ahead of you OP, time to think about how you want to enjoy them and FEEL whilst you do

Your friend was absolutely right. This is financial abuse. It sounds like emotional abuse as well. You have to ask him if you can go out?! You say he looks after you but you sound frightened of him.
Of course your joint outgoings are high if he’s gambling the family money away.
Please get some professional help. As a bare minimum your pay should go into your own account and you should be free to go out with friends. The way you are living is very abnormal.
Confide in your family too. Tell them everything. If you were my sister I’d do everything possible to help.
People have asked you if you have access to the money in his account but I don’t think you’ve answered. Do you? Or do you have to ask him for access to your own money?

You definitely need more independence. Having a joint account and a personal account each makes sense. You also need free time to see friends etc.
I can understand how you might have slipped into this pattern if you got together young, but what would happen if you tried to switch it up?

I was financially abused by my Ex wife for many years.
You need to put a stop to him controlling your finances straight away. I'm not trying to scare you but he will be hiding debts. I have been in debt through no fault of my own for 13 years.
I had 3 CCJS because my Ex wife put thousands of pounds in loans and overdrafts in my name.
Get access to your bank account first.
Then check your credit file.
Then start divorce proceedings.
You are being abused. Please be very careful as when he finds you out you are looking into finances he will panic he is losing the control over you. My Ex wife turned violent.

You were very young and vulnerable when you married him. He too had, and has, issues. You have grown and gotten to know yourself a bit, it wouldn’t surprise me if having your children has actually made you more self assured and empowered. Therefore you are beginning to see that it is not normal for your husband to control the finances, to not have any money for yourself, to not be free to have friendships and participate in activities outside the house. What you’re feeling is just normal desire to have friends and do things and be your own person within your marriage and life. I mean, marriage is not supposed to be a prison.

In a way, your husband has been stunted and if only he could realize what he’s doing and grow too and change, for your sake but also for his own. It is troubling because he is actually being abusive. I would be afraid of this guy if I were you. I can’t imagine my husband acting like this.

Tread carefully.

You work and put all your wages into his bank account.

He's devoted to you and the children and only wants to spend his time with you, and yet he has a serious gambling addiction.

you can't see the contradictions (or possibly denial) that you husband can't possibly care about you in any practical or equitable way, when he sucks away all your financial freedom and pisses it up the wall on gambling? And you have absolutely nothing left to spend on yourself because it's all going to him?

this is an unhealthy situation and he doesn't deserve your love.

I had 3 CCJS because my Ex wife put thousands of pounds in loans and overdrafts in my name

How was it possible to put debt in your name - no bank or finance house will have assigned loans and overdrafts without your consent - you must have signed on the dotted line somehow, for debt to be in your name. So you can't blame your ex for that.

I suspect he's more controlling than you realise, but over the years you've learned to 'keep in line'.

A devoted family man would seek help for his gambling addiction.

It's good that you've begun to open your eyes, OP.

Just remember you can cope, build yourself up, build your confidence, build your outside support (get back in touch with this friend who was very kind in pointing this out to you!). Small steps.

Oh dear . Your friend is right . Your husband is controlling and financially abusive. The fact that he has a gambling problem is just awful.

It would make more sense if you had control of the family money as he has the addiction.

Do you know how much the rent and bills are ? Are there any credit card debts? How much do you both earn?
Any reasonable partner would be open to you knowing all this information.

The fact that you can’t see friends without checking is about him controlling who you speak to.

Start by telling him you would like to sit down that evening and talk through your finances..

If he won’t this is a deal breaker.

It's not normal to ask permission from the person you love to go out. This relationship does not soun healthy

Try to reach out, apologise and make up with that friend. You need a true friend like that to help you to stop being so dependent on your husband

We'll run it by each other, like 'Oh, so-and-so asked if I'm free for dinner and drinks next Friday, we don't have plans do we?'

I think I'd be miffed if we didn't communicate our plans, but we definitely don't ask permission as such.

Have you brought up that you want to change where your wages go? I don't think it's fair to call him financially abusive for going along with how things have always been until you tell him you're going to be putting your own wages in your own account and he objects, he's just an idiot for gambling so far.
As for checking in, if you don't like it, again bring it up with him that you'll be popping out for a coffee now and then, but I'd be alarmed if my husband had always checked in with me and suddenly stopped and just started going out randomly.

You are not weak, you don't know how strong you are yet.

Sorry but this is an abusive relationship. That doesn't make a split any easier but it is what you need to do.

Not today but make plans, get a bank account of your own to start with.

This does sound controlling from the way you describe it. You shouldn't be left with no money while he has money for gambling. You should definitely be able to go out even if he doesn't. If close friends and family think it, that's the biggest indicator for me. They know you much better than an internet post can tell us

The money thing is obviously wrong. Your wages go into your bank account. Get yourselves a joint account for household bills and expenses and agree who pays how much in each week/month. That's how it should be, but I expect he'll resist that given what you've said. The status quo obviously suits him and his addiction.

I do think it's common courtesy for a healthy couple to communicate, so running it by each other before arranging a night out is fine and normal, having to ask his permission is not. I also think it's fairly typical for parents of young children to feel like their kids run their lives, and having a partner means compromise to some extent. You can't expect to live like you're free and single, but that doesn't mean no social life at all, it just needs to be well organised.

On the face of it I’m not convinced this is domestic abuse as much as the predictable difficulties of being married to someone with a gambling problem (some would class this as financial abuse and I would have some sympathy with that argument but I don’t think it’s quite the same as someone being deliberately generally controlling etc especially in a scenario where OP doesn’t earn enough money to cover more than rent alone by herself and she hasn’t said that her and her children’s basic needs are being be neglected).

I do think though as a pp said it’s a bit of a red flag for me that one of your friends thinks he is controlling of you. Occasionally people see it where it doesn’t exist but that’s not super common and it risks ruining a friendship to say it (as has happened here), so I would carefully consider this comment from your friend and the exact context of what led her to make it etc.

in terms of feeling you have to check in with him before going out with friends I think this needs a bit of elaboration. I’d say it’s pretty normal for a married couple with young kids to check in with each other before making social plans in a “hey Gemma has asked me out for drinks on Friday, just checking before I say yes that you’re not working an extra shift that evening/that’s not the night we said we’d meet your parents for dinner right?”. It’s not clear if this is the sort of thing you’re meaning OP and I wouldn’t see that level of checking in as controlling or abusive just respectful and considerate as you’d equally want him to be to you before making plans to go out with his mates. You shouldn’t have to ask permission as such but yes in my book someone does need to be able to look after the kids and it’s reasonable to make him aware you won’t be around that evening in advance!

The main issue for me from what you’ve said so far is the gambling (and your lack of bank account! Which yes would usually be a red flag for abuse but young couples who don’t know any better can sometimes just naively slide into this sort of setup too). Either he’s spending money you could otherwise have for the family on this, or he’s in debt and possibly both. I share a pp’s concern that you may not know the full extent of it and sounds like you’ve already had experience of bailiffs turning up etc which is so stressful, no wonder you feel anxious all the time. You don’t know the full extent either of family finances or gambling debts and it’s threatening your family’s financial security it would stress anyone. I don’t agree that with both people working you’d necessarily have money for the sort of little extras OP talks about. Not necessarily true for a young couple with 2 kids, privately renting in an expensive area and both on minimum wage type jobs. But if it’s there it should be spent on that and not gambling.

He needs to get support to quit gambling. If he’s open to this I think all is not lost and he sounds potentially a good supportive and caring partner in other ways. If he’s not open to this I’d think very very hard if this is what you want your life to be as that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach will never go away while you have that uncertainty about finances and threat to your security from this. I think that needs to be step one. Try GAMCARE.

Secondly you absolutely need your own bank account! Ideally I think you should each have your own account and also a joint one for shared household expenses where you each put an equal percentage of your pay into which will cover the expenses. And you need to keep track of what’s happening with the joint account (is the rent being paid? Or has to gone to gambling bills this month etc. You really can’t bury your head in the sand about this, you need to know).

Good luck OP. Start with GAMCARE and getting proper access to your joint account then sit down and have a conversation about how to fairly share your income going forward.

@daisychain01 . My Ex wife had 100% control of my finances.
Halifax Bank allowed her from 2010 to 2014 to transfer my wages from my bank account to her own plus also extend my overdraft every month. She took my overdraft to £7000.
She also stopped paying a phone contract with o2 which also ended up becoming a CCJ.
The third CCJ was for a loan taken out for a car which she stopped paying.
And yes she could forge my signature.

I don't think you understand finanical abuse and how clever and manipulative people can be. Especially someone you love and trust.

You might want to read up on codependency.

Codependent relationships can work but as you are now wanting more autonomy and independence whilst not losing the benefits of the relationship your husband is likely to resist this if he is not ready for this.

Reading around this issue could be helpful. The history you both have of difficult childhoods makes cideoendence more likely as does relationships firmed in very early adulthood. This together with how you describe needing him to calm you and his gambling and the lack of boundaries eg around finances are what made this come to mind.

He has a serious gambling addiction and has access and controls all the family finances? You need to make some changes op

You definitely should have access to your own money. That needs to change. Given his gambling issues I'd say you should be able to see what's going on in his accounts too. It's no wonder you are anxious if you are constantly waiting for the next financial crisis. I'm not sure I understand the issue with checking in before a night out though as you both need to know who's doing what so someone is at home with the DC. How does he react if you say you are meeting a friend?

This is financial abuse for sure. You are working but you're not seeing anything for it.

He probably doesn't want you going out with friends in case they advise you how wrong this situation is. He's seriously taking the piss and wanting to keep you in your place.

Your friend was right. It probably upset her to see you bring taken advantaged of like this.

Does your husband work? How comes he's got money for himself and the money to gamble, when you are working and you can't even do the things you want to do because your wage goes on the rent? There's a massive imbalance here.

At any rate it's the family finances that he's gambling away and it's unfair because it
means you can't enjoy
'normal' things in life that you wrote about, cos the money is never there due to your husband selfishly gambling it away.

Contact Women's Aid for advice.