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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I need to end my relationship

70 replies

EatThoseFrogs · 22/07/2023 23:41

Together 8 years, mortgaged house, no DC following a few losses.

We get on, we always have loads to talk about and have similar tastes in books and politics and hobbies. He says he loves me every day and he does make me laugh.
But he doesn't naturally think of others. He doesn't pull his weight in the house at all (leaves his dishes on the dishwasher, never puts a wash on etc). It's bigger than that though, he's never done anything for me that takes effort from him.

He's never had tea ready when I've been travelling with work or done the housework when I'm not well. He'll tell me to give myself a rest but never thinks of just doing it himself - it's just waiting for me the next day. He's rubbish at presents. We have a monthly date night booked in and I stopped organising things at Xmas when I started a new, busier job. We've done nothing since because he hasn't bothered at all.

He does things that suit him, no matter the impact. He has an exercise routine that he does every morning at 6am in our bedroom regardless of whether I'm asleep or not.

I just don't feel very valued. And I know you can end a relationship for any reason but after this long, I kinda feel like I've made my bed? He's pretty much always been like this but I just didn't notice at first. I was young and we were long distance for a while.

Would you try and fix this or do you think its a fundamental personality thing?

OP posts:

backagain999 · 22/07/2023 23:44

Well it's ultimatum time if you want to make it work. These are your jobs, these are my jobs, do them or fuck off. Think yourself lucky you don't have kids or you'd be stuck miserable in this shit for decades

chocobaby · 22/07/2023 23:46

How have you survived in there this long? Have you had a chat about these things before? Otherwise ending it might seem like it’s out of the blue for him.
i would have a chat with him, maybe give an ultimatum and see how things go. He sounds like he is very unaware of others needs and quite inconsiderate. Not sure he should be in a relationship!

Original poster

EatThoseFrogs · 22/07/2023 23:53

Thanks both

We've had chats about the housework side of stuff before. We've tried lists, I've been really assertive. When the unfairness or the impact on me is pointed out, he does recognise and does something. For a few weeks.

It's the same with the being considerate bit. If I point out that as I'm ill, I could do with someone to bring me a cuppa, he does it immediately but would never do it off his own back.

We haven't spoken about the effort side. Tbh, I didn't want to have to ask my partner to be nice to me?

You're right though, it would seem sudden to him. How would I even start that conversation? "You need to be more considerate/kinder/empathic?"

OP posts:

Original poster

EatThoseFrogs · 22/07/2023 23:58

I don't want to seem like I'm constantly wanting him to do stuff for me here.

I'm independent, I'm the bigger earner, I have a hobby that takes me out of the house. But I do things for him, like Buy him tickets for his fav band that it on tour. Or even non financial like recognising when hes having a busy week in work and doing all the cooking that week or putting his socks on the heater so they're warm.

I'm not looking for big things, just to see him want to do something for someone else that doesn't benefit him. He's the same with his parents and siblings too.

OP posts:

toochesterdraws · 23/07/2023 00:03

Perhaps he is just fundamentally selfish and egocentric.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/07/2023 00:12

If he's like this with his family and can't maintain any change after previous talks before then it's very likely he won't ever change.
I don't know why you put up with him exercising in the bedroom if you are asleep, that's not normal at all, have you said anything to him about that?
Why does he think it's OK to wake you up so early when I presume you have other rooms he can do that in?

SwordToFlamethrower · 23/07/2023 00:16

Reading that made me feel miserable for you op.

What a selfish little man he is. He takes you completely for granted doesn't he...

Original poster

EatThoseFrogs · 23/07/2023 07:52

It's like he just doesn't see things from other people's PoV.

His sister recently had a baby and he didn't think of buying a gift until I pointed out that was a normal and expected thing and how helpful clothes may be to a new mum without a lot of spare cash.

I don't think he does it purposely which is why I've stayed. But I'm beginning to think that him only thinking about his needs be default is actually worse than if he chose to do it?

He's in his forties fgs and needs to be told to be nice to his sister?!

OP posts:

Bananas1350 · 23/07/2023 08:15

I pointed out stuff was left to me for ages. And like u he did well for a while then it stopped.

Then I realised I was being an idiot. So I stopped too. The problem was it was still being done. So it all just carried on. So when I stopped nothing was being done if u see what I mean.

he suddenly came upon the fact he didn’t have any cleaned clothes ,, the dishes were not done.

low and behold he started to do it. Not sure I didn’t think of it before! I know don’t do any house work unless we do it together. So we tend to have a few hours when we go through the house.

the problem was as said above it kept being done. So he didn’t think about it. I said to him I have no idea what it takes to keep a house running. And he truly didn’t as I had done it all. I had to lower my standards a bit as it wasn’t done as often as I would like. But to be honest I feel that is a good thing as we do other stuff now instead of me just cleaning. My husband isn’t perfect just like I’m not. But trust me give it a try.

dogsweetdog · 23/07/2023 08:20

Bananas1350 · 23/07/2023 08:15

I pointed out stuff was left to me for ages. And like u he did well for a while then it stopped.

Then I realised I was being an idiot. So I stopped too. The problem was it was still being done. So it all just carried on. So when I stopped nothing was being done if u see what I mean.

he suddenly came upon the fact he didn’t have any cleaned clothes ,, the dishes were not done.

low and behold he started to do it. Not sure I didn’t think of it before! I know don’t do any house work unless we do it together. So we tend to have a few hours when we go through the house.

Yes to this.

Stop putting his stuff in the dishwasher, stop washing his clothes etc. just do you, and see if he starts to notice.

Tbh, I get the impression he's totally self centred and a lost cause, but it's worth a try.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/07/2023 08:23

You’ve got no kids and he can’t even sort out a MONTHLY date night ….. you should be out every weekend!

Sounds miserable OP and you’re obv still young if you met young.

HashBrownandBeans · 23/07/2023 08:24

You have very different love languages. I advise looking into that online, try and get him to look in to it too. It might make him see what he needs to do to make you happy. My ex husband was exactly the same, and if I’d known about the love languages at the time, we may have survived.

BCBird · 23/07/2023 08:27

The housework would annoy me but potentially a cleaner coukd solve this.the lack of thought for others,well that is not something that I can pay to fix. I would be tempted to have a sit down and have a frank discussion. Perhaps u can agree a new regime with the proviso that if it doesn't work then it time to part company.

Watchkeys · 23/07/2023 08:28

Just stop. Tell him you've had enough of putting his socks on the radiator etc. Sort out your own food, do your own washing. Let him flounder. He's not going to see how you feel unless you put him in your position. Tell him you're doing it, and tell him that this is your last ditch attempt at saving the relationship. Tell him things are going to change, and then let him decide if it's that he keeps screwing up and becomes single, or that he starts being more thoughtful. You're taking responsibility for too much; give him the responsibility for behaving in a way that makes you want to stay.

Original poster

EatThoseFrogs · 23/07/2023 08:31

Bananas1350 · 23/07/2023 08:15

I pointed out stuff was left to me for ages. And like u he did well for a while then it stopped.

Then I realised I was being an idiot. So I stopped too. The problem was it was still being done. So it all just carried on. So when I stopped nothing was being done if u see what I mean.

he suddenly came upon the fact he didn’t have any cleaned clothes ,, the dishes were not done.

low and behold he started to do it. Not sure I didn’t think of it before! I know don’t do any house work unless we do it together. So we tend to have a few hours when we go through the house.

Thank you for sharing your approach.

Did you ever get the "your standards are just too high, you're choosing to do this" etc?

I don't think I'm OTT on clearing tbh, but I want to changed my bed weekly, and to Clean the bathroom and kitchen, run the hoover around twice a week and Mow the grass every 2/3 weeks in summer depending on growth.

I recently went away with a friend and when we got back, I dropped her off first. Her DP had scrubbed the house, had tea in the oven and had bought her the second book in a series she'd started and loved while we were away.

I got home and the house was as I'd left it but worse because he'd done the bare minimum. No washing, bed hadn't been changed, rubbish hadn't been taken out, he'd missed the bin day, although the dishwasher was running so small mercies I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

EatThoseFrogs · 23/07/2023 08:33

Not that I'd expect that everytime or anything but I can't imagine a single scenario ever where he'd do the house. Or think about cooking as I'd be hungry when I got home. Or bought me a present.

He does buy for Xmas/birthdays and after years of awful presents, I give him a list now. But even that feels like I'm dragging him into being nice?

OP posts:

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 23/07/2023 08:36

Nope. It's not good enough, and you've tried. He's obviously regressed and is happy with a mummy rather than a partner. I'd be making plans to leave.

WilkinsonM · 23/07/2023 08:37

His personality is just fundamentally selfish and he's not likely to change is he?
Decide if you want to live like this forever or not. Then act accordingly.

TheoTheopolis23 · 23/07/2023 08:38

I can only imagine what he'd be like with babies/small children, if you were to have them. They produce a shit tonne of work. It's constant and relentless. You're basically doing everything for another person until they gradually become capable of doing things for themselves (which, let's face it, often doesn't happen til they fledge the nest).

It would he much much worse with kids.

Hrs on his 40s. How long have you been together. I wonder have other women seen this and thought "nah" during the more typical settling years (30s).

honeyandfizz · 23/07/2023 08:39

You are his Mother not his partner and he has zero respect for you. If you love him and want this to work out then you need to spell it out in no uncertain terms. If he cannot raise the bar then you need to split as he is showing you his disdain.

DustyLee123 · 23/07/2023 08:39

It’s not good enough, and you’ve given it a good go. Time to move on.

Selfesteem22 · 23/07/2023 08:44

What I would also say is that if you did have kids it's highly likely to get worse - or feel worse anyway as there will much more work!

Gettingbysomehow · 23/07/2023 08:45

I refuse toive with any man who treats me like his servant. I'm not a servant. My ex used to say what's for dinner. Id reply no idea you tell me so he would go off and make his own dinner and nothing for me. Same with cleaning, paying bills, gardening and he lived in my house rent free so he was soon dumped.
Men seem to think we are some kind of maid. What makes them so special?

Gettingbysomehow · 23/07/2023 08:46

The longer we put up with this shit the longer we will be treated as their inferiors.

Original poster

EatThoseFrogs · 23/07/2023 08:47

Gettingbysomehow · 23/07/2023 08:45

I recognise this so much.

I'm not usually quite pushover. I have a good job and manage a large team. I volunteer advising other people on how to be confident and get out of situations.

It really does feel like I want something that he just can't give me. How can I say to him after 8 years though that he's just too selfish?

OP posts:

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