I think I need to end my relationship

[EatThoseFrogs]

Together 8 years, mortgaged house, no DC following a few losses.

We get on, we always have loads to talk about and have similar tastes in books and politics and hobbies. He says he loves me every day and he does make me laugh.
But he doesn't naturally think of others. He doesn't pull his weight in the house at all (leaves his dishes on the dishwasher, never puts a wash on etc). It's bigger than that though, he's never done anything for me that takes effort from him.

He's never had tea ready when I've been travelling with work or done the housework when I'm not well. He'll tell me to give myself a rest but never thinks of just doing it himself - it's just waiting for me the next day. He's rubbish at presents. We have a monthly date night booked in and I stopped organising things at Xmas when I started a new, busier job. We've done nothing since because he hasn't bothered at all.

He does things that suit him, no matter the impact. He has an exercise routine that he does every morning at 6am in our bedroom regardless of whether I'm asleep or not.

I just don't feel very valued. And I know you can end a relationship for any reason but after this long, I kinda feel like I've made my bed? He's pretty much always been like this but I just didn't notice at first. I was young and we were long distance for a while.

Would you try and fix this or do you think its a fundamental personality thing?

If you got together young, you must be still in your twenties now. It sounds like you're stuck in a rut as if you've been together for 50 years or something! You don't always need a major reason to break up, but his actions (or lack of) don't bode well for the future and you deserve much better.

It's hard to split up but you thank your self massively in a few months time. Think what you can do with your freedom - travelling, nights out, hot dates, see your friends and family more! And not worry about being treated any less than you deserve.

feeling overwhelmed/tired/sad - sorry for the long post!
so we recently just had another baby, DS is 7weeks old. We also have a 3.5yr old boy. Myself and my husband seem to be at each other’s throats and it’s really getting me down. Yesterday we were supposed to be going away for a few hours as my husband wanted to look at something. I was happy to be getting out of the house (and wearing a pair of jeans rather than leggings) although I was a bit stressed trying to get us all out of the house. (Asked my husband to get the car seat out of the car 3 times and to put socks and shoes on our son. He managed the socks, I ended up putting on the shoes!) I had packed a little picnic and a flask of tea and was looking forward to the day once we were in the car. I suggested taking our older son to a soft play on the way back. I was met with a tone and a shitty attitude which I responded with a tone and a shitty attitude. (little one is going through a growth spurt so I’ve had little sleep so I am easily annoyed) anyway the argument escalated and I ended up blurting out that I feel really overwhelmed and unsupported, I carry the mental load and I need help around the house. He ended up turning the car around and we all landed home. He then took our son swimming and was gone for about 6hours, didn’t even ask if I wanted to go. I spent those 6hours up in the bedroom with our son, feeding, changing and winding an unsettled baby. I felt very sad and lonely. There wasn’t much sleep last night either. We still aren’t speaking today, he left with our oldest son this morning and didn’t even tell me where they were going when I asked! So lonely feels set in and I’ve headed back to bed with the little one. Our main topic of disagreement is the divide of chores in the house. He is so unaware of the things that need to be done in a house. I’m not a clean freak but there are basic things that need to be done, clean kitchen, bathroom, laundry, hoover! I’ve showed him numerous times how to use the washing machine and he still wouldn’t think to put on a load of laundry! He’s a fantastic dad and he does bits and pieces outside the house but I need help in the house. If he was working, I would suck it up and get on with it but he’s off work for the summer so I feel like the household chores should be shared even more so now with a lot of my attention going to our newborn. It’s like we have this argument on repeat about the house but he actually thinks he does his fair share. I don’t know what the point of my post is. I think I just needed to type it out and get it out of my head. If I try look at it from his point of view I’m sure he thinks that he can’t speak to me as I am so cranky, like walking on egg shells and that anything he does is wrong or not good enough (example - asked him to clean the kitchen one day, came in to it half cleaned and had to finish it but not without telling him it was only half done - dirty pots sitting on cooker, countertops not wiped down). He is a great man with a great heart but sometimes I feel that everyone else comes first and he’s not listening to what I need. I wonder will it get better, am I being petty, are we just drifting further apart? I’m exhausted mentally and physically.

Sorry I thought I was putting up a post of my own and not commenting on another post - first time using this! 🙈

Hi OP I would be a bit annoyed by this too but everything else seems pretty perfect. I'd definitely sit him down and have a big chat and as PP said an ultimatum. The not tidying up after himself would drive me insane if I'm honest. Good luck xx

he isn't a great partner to me

OP isn't 'a bit annoyed'.

The ultimatum thing doesn't sit well with me. It feels like a lose lose for the other person. Either they do the thing they don't want to do or they lose their relationship.

It feels manipulative?

I think I need to tell him how I'm feeling on all sides of this and see how he responds.

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum, he's not going to change. I think the thing is to work out if this is the relationship to take you forward into the rest of your life and possibly have children in. My answer is no, but the question is what is your answer?

Not read all the thread yet but
He has an exercise routine that he does every morning at 6am in our bedroom regardless of whether I'm asleep or not.

Ffs, run like the wind. That is so selfish and bordering on abusive behaviour. Your needs and wants are not even on his radar, and he doesnt respect you as an equal.

Why are you accepting that every morning??

I'm just really scared of the conversation and I can't work out why

Could it also be because you have got used to putting others' feelings first and it goes against the grain to stand up for yourself? That's really common.

When's the last time you did something that you wanted to do, for yourself, that might have met with disapproval from others?

Society trains women to be people pleasers, to put others first. It starts young, look at little girls' t-shirts, they're full of passive messages "be kind" "be happy" "keep on smiling" "show love" "positive energy only" "be good, do good" "kindness always wins"

Boys are given go-getting messages "future hero" "never hold back" "Change the game. Rewrite the rules. Go for it. Born to win.” "little but loud" "be the change" etc etc

And it continues throughout our lives. Women are socialised to be the help humans for men, doing housework, childcare, support roles at work, and men are used to this. Despite the huge steps forward we've made in society becoming more equal, we're still a long way off. In hetro relationships, even when both partners work full time, it's STILL the norm for women to do the larger share of the housework, childcare and mental load of running a house.

So, the first time you really need to stand up and advocate for yourself and your needs when there's a clash with what someone else wants, it's extra tough because on top of any personal reasons it's difficult, you have to break through conditioning you've been subjected to for decades, probably without even noticing it, that has been telling you in myriad ways that you should just put up and shut up, keep smiling and being kind and definitely don't prioritise your own needs over someone else's, especially not your male partner.

(Some examples of sexist t-shirts so you know I'm not making it up!)

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10484653/Primark-criticised-shoppers-selling-appalling-sexist-t-shirts.html

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/uk-news/primark-hot-water-mums-over-23018307

https://www.retailgazette.co.uk/blog/2022/09/tesco-sexist-outdated-childrens-clothing/

Have you read this cartoon about the mental load btw?

It really chimed with me.

It's about how it's not just the actual chores that are work, but thinking about managing those chores is a job in itself too.

It's about why a bloke saying "but you should have asked" doesn't cut it, not even nearly.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

And think ahead. If you became ill, then when you got up from your sick bed, the whole house would be a right bloody state. He wouldn't take care of you when you were ill.

Have read all the thread. Another poster said the above. My DH is/was similar to yours. And I took it, and took it and took it, until it made me so ill that I ended up bedbound for 6 months (still housebound). My DH hasnt washed my bedding once, nor my pj's/clothes. He rarely cooks so I either struggled downstairs to eat cereal or go hungry or eat crisps (he works nights and buys from the cafeteria). It's been nearly two years of absolute hell and he's not cleaned the bathroom or toilet room once, never dusted etc, despite me repeatedly asking. He doesn't buy in the food I ask for as "the shop has sold out" but he will go to several supermarkets to get his favourite bread if the first has sold out. My life is hell and we've been married 33 years. Dont be me. Put yourself first because he never will.

Oh @Pixiedust1234 that is absolutely heartbreaking 😞

No matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to leave a horrible relationship.

Please don't spend the rest of your life in the company of someone so cruel.

I felt the massive guilt too OP. My ex is a lovely man, he's funny and we get on so well otherwise, he said to me after the split it would be easier if he was a horrible person. But it gets so draining when the loads aren't shared equally.

We too don't have kids, both work full time but he just can't see how draining it is for me deciding what to cook every day amongst other things.

You just have to do what makes you happy, you're not keeping a family unit together. When its just two of you it shouldn't be draining you should always be adding to eachothers lives

Is he on your team OP?
If not then he's not someone worth staying with.

I agree with this. I would dump for this alone. No one who cares about you an iota would do this.

Why is he exercising in the bedroom fgs? And why have you never told him to get out and exercise somewhere else?

Just dump this man. More than anything, it would be so utterly wrong to saddle a child with this man for a father.

Sounds very familiar! I had an ex like this, it all got very overwhelming when I was pregnant and couldn't keep up with the housework. Even worse after having DS. I remember coming home from the hospital with DS after staying in 6 days and came home to an absolute pig sty. And then going in hospital while DS was 3 months him being left alone with him and me coming out a week later again to an absolute pig sty. Always felt like a sinking ship when I was sick! It was bloody awful. He also was shit at presents but generous in that if I needed money he would always give me it but that isn't a reason to stay with someone. Im single now and the house is as I left it and even though I have a toddler the house is always in a better condition than when he was here. He also had no care for my sleep and would shower at 3am before work (he worked shifts) and wake me and the baby and not Care. He also used to play music really loud while I was trying to have a lie in some mornings. Really don't miss it at all! If you think you would be happier on your own you probably will be! At least
You've figured this out before having kids

THIS, with bells on. Good luck op

Thanks, I'm going to have to bite the bullet I think

Your needs don't matter to him. It may be his internal wiring, his upbringing or whatever, but the effect is the same. You are sadly not valued or respected which is an awful way to live.

Have a read of this, even give it to him to read if you like, but unfortunately from what you have written it doesn't sound like he's the type that could change. I'm sorry.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Honestly? I'd just not bother - what you're seeing is who he is.
You're young and relatively free. Go have some fun!
He's inherently selfish and while he may change to keep you, it won't last.