Alcoholic partner

[Silverstarz]

Going from this previous thread for the background info - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4844138-over-reacting-or-am-i-right-to-be
Well that night was awful. I shouldn't of but i ended up lashing out at him physically and felt pretty shitty about it.
Of course he was metaphorically hearts and flowers the next day. I Said its gonna happen again blah blah blah not had a night like that in years. Since then its been strained. I dont trust him i am snooping about in his things convinced hes cheating (i know hes not - well pretty dam sure) hes been trying but its been hard. I feel like shit because i feel like a mug and know hes drinking still. If hes like 5 mins late or goes the shop i am paranoid hes drinking and sends my anxiety into overdrive
Well today he was working with his boss theu do construction type work (did i mention his boss is a high functioning alcoholic too?!) 🤔 he promises the boys a film night tells my eldest he will take him to.work at 730 and take the youngest to get sweets for.film on the way back.
Messages me at 530 says he will be about hour or so as hes drving back from a job. Okay fine, messages me again says he is on gis way and still driving about 7.10, Gets to 7.30 still no sign so then he beeps outside and my eldest and youngest go with him and off they go in his car. So am sat waiting to put the film on etc a d he comes back an hour later (which is a bit longer as normally takes about 45 mins with a shop stop)
Little one runs in with sweets however partner is still outside looking sheepish. He sends me a WhatsApp of the kissing emoji which he normally sends anyway then comes in REEKING of alcohol very sheepish.

I feel terrible letting him take our sons steaming drunk driving along windy country lanes. I feel fucking sick.
Of course i walk away not gonna cause a scene as boys are there.
Hes snoring on the sofa fast asleep. Get a receipt out the bag where the sweets are and find hes also bought 2 cans of gin and tonic which he obvs drank in the car whilst driving home with our 8 yr old in the car 😥😥😥
Hes obvs hidden or chucked the cans as just chkd his car
So .acting all normal here in our bedroom with the boys watching said film battling the fast heart beats, dry mouth, shakes and brain running 1 million miles per hour thanks to the awful anxiety he causes me

Then i am questioning myself as a mother why am i letting this happen and why do i let him back in everytime.

4 really great years with trust no drinking and it was amazing. We where.all happy. Now its shit again. I feel like a need to see a therapist as i think i have real anxiety going on and its absolutely awful living your life in a suspicious bubble not helped by me working at home self employed starting up a new venture living out in a tiny country villiage where all my proper friends live 100 miles away. My mum has some sort of autism undiagnosed so never wants to hear any of my problems so i dont bother telling her 🥲
My sister is wonderful but she lives on the south coast so about 4 hours away
I just feel so alone. Sad that the life i thought we left behind was gone for good had made a come back. Sad for the future we where planning, just put plans in for an extension and we have a holiday booked on wed for a.week away 😮‍💨
Just feel SO let down and hurt.
We have it good own home, no mortgage no massive debts, live in a beaitiful area.with amazing schools, chickens horses nice car i just dont understand why hes fucked up and its.not just like its a one off :(
If we split (not married) but we both own house legally will we have to sell the house? I could not afford to live in the area even woth my half so would have to move away and move boys school etc and a whole load of things would change. I am the main carer for the kids but he is the main earner.

Thoughts??

Ditch him. He could kill your children or someone else the next time he drives drunk.

The boys wont be going on the car with him anymore if i have a hint of him drinking, i feel really bad - i should have checked 😪
It makes me feel sick

It sounds like you are prioritising your relationship with him over your kids, in total honesty. It is more luck than judgement that your children are at home tonight and not in a hospital morgue. I'm not saying this to be horrid, I've had 2 alcoholic uncles and know exactly what lies, what cover ups, what promises come from their mouths. Not one of my cousins have relationships with their mothers anymore, because they were never the priority. And truthfully, they've all struggled forming adult relationships because of their childhoods.

Report him to the Police via Crimestoppers anonymously and get him off the road. Then tell him to leave, and put your children first. It really is that simple.

The boys wont be going on the car with him anymore if i have a hint of him drinking
You won't know if he buys alcohol when he is out with them.

They teach you the 3 C's at Al-Anon. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you sure as hell can't cure it.

And chickens and horses will be worth fuck all to you if he kills someone.

You have given him several ultimatums and he's smashed through everyone with no consequences.

You also seem far more hung up on his probable cheating rather than the effect all this chaos is having on your kids. They should be priority and motivation to get rid of this deadbeat. This won't get better

If drunk-driving your kids doesn't wake you up, then probably nothing will.

You are unwilling or unable to prioritise your children.

Agree with this. This won’t be the first time he’s drove your kids when over the limit and it won’t be the last. If that’s not a wake up call to you, then I don’t know what will be. To say your boys won’t be going in a car with him again if you get a hint of drinking is extremely naive. He shouldn’t be driving them full stop. As always, it’s the children I feel sorry for in these situations

You need to end this relationship for your own sanity

Look up trauma bonding OP.

From what you've said in this and your previous post, you must be well aware he's been drink driving for years but you've turned a blind eye to it until it's your kids in the car? I couldn't forgive a partner for putting other road users at risk, he's more likely to kill a pedestrian or cyclist.

You need to make his attendance at AA or addaction a requirement for your marriage to continue. Alcoholics are rarely cured, they just have periods of sobriety (even if it's indefinite).

You're kids are being driven around by an alcoholic and you 'feel bad'? Jesus wept. I KNOW he's the issue not you, I'm really not victim blaming. I've been there. I've lived this.
But as a mother, your priority is to safeguard your child. Wake up and walk away.

So now you know the truth Op, he's never going to give up drinking, his words mean nothing and you can't trust him. Will living in a lovely area rather than leaving be worth it when you have to monitor his every move and keep him away from your DC for their own good incase he drunk drives? He's had his last chance and he blew it, time for you to protect yourself and your DC

I've been there.

This comes down to - who are you going to prioritise - him (an adult, a drunk, someone who puts your children at risk), or your DC's (innocent children who've done nothing wrong and rely on you to keep them safe).

For gods sake wake up and smell the coffee! It’s all very well saying your boys won’t be going in the car again with him, but what about what he could do to others on the roads that are not under the influence.

I’d be gone, or he would be. Not a chance id stay with him after putting my children at risk like that. Not a chance.

I have read your previous thread and this one and I am really struggling to understand what the actual fuck you are still doing with this man. what will it take for you to leave him? he kills someone else in his car? he has an accident with the children in the car? what? at the moment everything else is a priority. you love your life, the countryside, him and your children are way way down that list. You cant police him and his alcohol use. you have just proved that. you didnt think he would be drinking when he took the children out, yet he did. you dont have a crystal ball and know when its going to happen. you just keep on taking risk after risk with the most precious thing that you have - your children. If this wasnt/isnt the last straw in your relationship then it really should be. you cant control his alcoholism but you have 100% control over your reaction to it. but i know and everyone else replying to you on here knows deep down you arent going to leave him. you are going to wait until something truly catastrophic happens and then write a poor me post about how you just didnt think this would happen and no one could have foreseen it. well they can. He will not stop because you want him to. you and the children are nowhere near the most important things in his life and sadly for your kids they arent the top of your list either.

I agree with@altmember
I am an alcoholic. The urge to drink has never left me even though I gave up 18 months aho
I have a teetotal husband so nobody's children were put at risk. I am also a coppers daughter and didn't drink much outside the home.
Alcoholics never stop thinking about drink. Your DH needs AA now and if he won't go you need to consider leaving him. I am ashamed what I put my kids through. Don't you let him effect your kids. Buy a little cottage, live a calm life. Part of my high life was keeping up with the in crowd. It wasn't worth it.

WendyWagon what an incredibly heartfelt and honest post.

Alcoholics never stop thinking about drink. Your DH needs AA now

Other community based recovery programmes are also available. Just adding that as not all addicts get in with AA. I found SMART very helpful.

The only time I’ve seen a couple come through stronger and intact with an alcoholic partner was where: 1. The non-alcoholic partner was serious about ending the relationship if the drinking continued. 2. The alcoholic partner actually sought and committed to programs and professional help to deal with the alcoholism (and underlying causes). 3. There was complete honesty on both sides (no hiding receipts or lying when the alcoholic partner relapsed, no rationalizing alcoholic’s behavior or choices by the non-alcoholic partner etc.). Unfortunately it sounds like none of these are happening in your situation OP, so I would suggest as PP have done that you start taking steps to end the marriage. Also - please don’t minimize the risks and potential impact of drink driving: there is a reason it is illegal and people have their licenses taken away even though they haven’t (yet) injured or killed someone.

My wife has been struggling with drink for a long time. The problem is that it creeps up on you (and of course them). She’s a wonderful person, my soul mate and a wonderful mother but went about four years where she didn’t not have a drink for even a day. Of course I was judgmental, righteous and tried to ‘fix this’. She recognised the problem and I know it bothered her but then that almost immediately meant that she started trying to hide it from me…she’d ‘cut down’ to one bottle of wine or four pints but I’d find her top-ups in the bin or the hidden vodka etc. of course it caused arguments and made her a miserable drunk.
Many times I asked myself where the line should be drawn as this would inevitably continue to go down hill, and many times I didn’t know what to do and felt alone. She would be unreasonable and start crazy arguments for no reason, which usually she couldn’t even remember. She would put her drinking on me, such as asking if I thought it would be ok for her to drink or by bribing me to say it was ok (this made me feel horribly controlling…I’m really not). She tried counselling, which helped a little for a while and then I tried counselling for me, which didn’t. I did at least realise that she was my wife and that marriages frequently need work. I loved her and she had an illness over which she had little control. We shouldn’t throw people away if we can possibly avoid it right?
I eventually realised that my judgement wasn’t helping and that this wasn’t my problem to fix. I told her so. I stopped discussing it and said it was her decision and nothing I had control over. I made it plain that if she behaved badly then I would immediately withdraw my company. I also acknowledged how hard this was for her, reassured her that I loved her and asked her to at least not hide it from me. I said that I would always be there to talk to, and I was, but immediately shut down any attempt to get me to sanction her drinking, reminding her that this was her issue, not mine. I suggest you find a way to talk to him in an honest way and draw a line in the sand. Reassure him that you love him and want him to get better, but be clear about what will happen if he crosses the line again. Be very clear about what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Be patient but firm. If he continues to lie then pull him up on it and make him discuss it. Help him get help but be clear about the consequences of endangering anyone again. This may help him to motivate himself. Ultimately, you cannot allow him to endanger you or the kids, so if he does then you must follow through, but I hate the idea of abandoning someone emotionally, so unless you have stopped loving him then you might want to consider how you will support him emotionally until he can get better, and provide a way back in if he does. I’m sorry you are in this situation.
My wife did eventually find the strength to stop drinking. She stopped completely for around six months. She cannot relax fully around her drinking and probably never will, but has now started drinking in moderation and has set rules about when (Friday or Saturday night) and will make sure she cannot over-consume by only having limited amounts in the house. I know it’s supposedly impossible for someone to be able to ever drink again, but honestly, I think that in her case that would be a road to failure and guilt and then a downward spiral. Six months after she allowed herself a drink again, I feel much happier and like I have my wife back. She’s continued to be sensible and it’s definitely becoming less of a thing for her. I can even enjoy a drink myself now in a way that I haven’t been able to for years. She’s lost three stone in weight and has started exercising almost daily, which is another motivator I think. I hope she can carry on this upward spiral, but I actually think she will. Whether she’s unusual or not I don’t know (this is a woman who stopped smoking the day after a stranger told her she’d never be able to quit, despite a 15 year habit, so maybe), but looking back I think my negativity was part of the downward spiral and it wasn’t until I stepped back that she was able to address it. Just wanted to share that with you. I wish you luck and send love. X

@HangingOver is right, SMART is online too.
I suggest counselling and loads of quit lit.
Podcasts, one for the road etc. Sober Dave. Allan Carr etc.

I once saw a drink driving accident reel. Believe me that would stop anyone from drinking. The problem with alcoholics they are far from stupid. They make deals with their families and theirself. Moderation is not for them. They aren't that bad, life is for living until its not.
My baby brother died four months ago. He was the loveliest man and an alcoholic. He left three girls, one a teenager. He gave up too late. He had another health condition but he was first and foremost an alcoholic. I loved him but he loved drink more. His girls went all their childhoods watching him drinking, I joined him in the old days. He had his first heart attack at 46. I am afraid if this was my husband I would be very angry. And I would shop him if he got behind a wheel after drinking. Time for tough love.

You don't need a 'hint'. You know he's an alcoholic so you know you risk your children's lives if you let them get in a car with him. You might not have caused it or be able to control or cure it but you are responsible for your children's safety and they are not safe in a car with him. Chickens and horses and a lovely house are NO compensation for living with the constant stress and anxiety of living with an alcoholic. You need to split and yes you will probably have to accept lots of life style changes. But your kids will be safe and you will be able to breathe freely again.