Alcoholic partner

[Silverstarz]

Going from this previous thread for the background info - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4844138-over-reacting-or-am-i-right-to-be
Well that night was awful. I shouldn't of but i ended up lashing out at him physically and felt pretty shitty about it.
Of course he was metaphorically hearts and flowers the next day. I Said its gonna happen again blah blah blah not had a night like that in years. Since then its been strained. I dont trust him i am snooping about in his things convinced hes cheating (i know hes not - well pretty dam sure) hes been trying but its been hard. I feel like shit because i feel like a mug and know hes drinking still. If hes like 5 mins late or goes the shop i am paranoid hes drinking and sends my anxiety into overdrive
Well today he was working with his boss theu do construction type work (did i mention his boss is a high functioning alcoholic too?!) 🤔 he promises the boys a film night tells my eldest he will take him to.work at 730 and take the youngest to get sweets for.film on the way back.
Messages me at 530 says he will be about hour or so as hes drving back from a job. Okay fine, messages me again says he is on gis way and still driving about 7.10, Gets to 7.30 still no sign so then he beeps outside and my eldest and youngest go with him and off they go in his car. So am sat waiting to put the film on etc a d he comes back an hour later (which is a bit longer as normally takes about 45 mins with a shop stop)
Little one runs in with sweets however partner is still outside looking sheepish. He sends me a WhatsApp of the kissing emoji which he normally sends anyway then comes in REEKING of alcohol very sheepish.

I feel terrible letting him take our sons steaming drunk driving along windy country lanes. I feel fucking sick.
Of course i walk away not gonna cause a scene as boys are there.
Hes snoring on the sofa fast asleep. Get a receipt out the bag where the sweets are and find hes also bought 2 cans of gin and tonic which he obvs drank in the car whilst driving home with our 8 yr old in the car 😥😥😥
Hes obvs hidden or chucked the cans as just chkd his car
So .acting all normal here in our bedroom with the boys watching said film battling the fast heart beats, dry mouth, shakes and brain running 1 million miles per hour thanks to the awful anxiety he causes me

Then i am questioning myself as a mother why am i letting this happen and why do i let him back in everytime.

4 really great years with trust no drinking and it was amazing. We where.all happy. Now its shit again. I feel like a need to see a therapist as i think i have real anxiety going on and its absolutely awful living your life in a suspicious bubble not helped by me working at home self employed starting up a new venture living out in a tiny country villiage where all my proper friends live 100 miles away. My mum has some sort of autism undiagnosed so never wants to hear any of my problems so i dont bother telling her 🥲
My sister is wonderful but she lives on the south coast so about 4 hours away
I just feel so alone. Sad that the life i thought we left behind was gone for good had made a come back. Sad for the future we where planning, just put plans in for an extension and we have a holiday booked on wed for a.week away 😮‍💨
Just feel SO let down and hurt.
We have it good own home, no mortgage no massive debts, live in a beaitiful area.with amazing schools, chickens horses nice car i just dont understand why hes fucked up and its.not just like its a one off :(
If we split (not married) but we both own house legally will we have to sell the house? I could not afford to live in the area even woth my half so would have to move away and move boys school etc and a whole load of things would change. I am the main carer for the kids but he is the main earner.

Thoughts??

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Is the house chickens and supposed nice lifestyle still worth it in your eyes?.

You are in a codependent relationship with your alcoholic and you have prioritised this over anything and anyone else including your children. That is on you. Are you really all that surprised he’s started drinking, you should not be because his primary relationship is with drink and not you. It’s never been with you either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

Are you going to be one of those women who visit their alcoholic partner in prison with your kids in tow?. I can well see you doing that going forwards. Do you not think they have seen more than enough already in their young lives?. What sort of mother puts their relationship with a man ahead of anything else including her own self and her kids?. That is what you have done here, you’ve wasted your life to date on this drunkard. He certainly hit paydirt when he met and subsequently targeted you. Your boundaries here, already skewed by past poor life experiences, are being further done in by him now.

I can only presume you saw similar when you were growing up. Did you?. Why are you and he together now?.

Sell the house and free yourself from this life of sheer misery and constant firefighting the chaos your alcoholic leaves in his wake. Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason because you’re all affected by the alcoholic. Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even started yet. The effects of all this on your kids is incalculable and may not become fully apparent until adulthood.

Unless your alcoholic wants to seek proper help to stop drinking there is nothing you can do here other than help your own self.

There is nothing in your post to suggest that he wants to quit and like him you’re also in denial as to how bad this whole situation is.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Your poor choices to date have cost you and they dearly.

Your children will blame you, quite rightly, when they are older, for failing to protect them.

If you stay, you are much to blame as him.

@Silverstarz how are things today?