Is this a bit odd? Or normal for online dating.

[Cupcake00]

Met on a dating app, although within a few exchanges of messages, we found out we work for the same health board. I have liaised with the service he works. Anyway....date one, we met for a coffee. It was lovely. Date 2, we were going to meet for food but I finished work too late so we ended up just having a drink. I bumped into him on a training day, had a coffee with colleagues. Date 3, we both agreed on meeting for a drink and a film. We watched the film and went for a drink. I'm not sure what happened. Film finished at 7 and we went to a pub. It was about 7.30 and he asked if I'd eaten, I'd had lunch. He asked would I last until the end of the night so I said I'm happy to order food. He then said he's a bit anxious about eating on a date, it might take a while to feel comfortable. I was understanding and said no problem. He then kept talking about food, and how he was going to get a takeaway on his way home. He was a bit fidgety and I sensed he might not be relaxed. I tried to talk but it felt a little awkward because i was sensing it from him. I wasn't sure if it was nerves. But you have a gut feeling don't you, when someone might not be interested. We were both driving so only had one drink, but I was open to have a soft drink. He mentioned food again. Again, I said are you hungry, why don't you order something light or some snacks. He wouldn't. It felt a little uncomfortable. There was a little back and forth chat but it was so strange. Nothing like date 1 or 2. I finished my drink and he said we can't have another. I wasn't going to suggest a soft drink. I thought this guy is obviously hungry even though he said he wasn't. We left and he sent me a photo of his takeaway. Then said we should have eaten. I said, not if you felt uncomfortable. He then said let's meet next week for food. I messaged to say let me know when you can fit me in.
He is off for 4 days and has planned to see friends. He mentioned his days off a few times and I thought I'd wait until he mentions maybe doing something. He didn't on a couple of occasions. He didn't last night either.
Anyway. Today absolutely nothing from him. It's only been 5 weeks of talking and 3 dates, but it was every day. It's so odd, he was very keen until lastnight. Even leading up to the date.
It's fine but I might have to liaise with this guy at some point. I'd rather him say he's not interested. I suppose it's going to feel uncomfortable for me.

Don't feel embarrassed at work, it's interesting tittle tattle for colleagues but once you say it's fazzled no one will bother.
But note to self to keep it quiet next time ( I know it's tempting when it's all feeling positive and exciting to tell people).

I'd say it's likely something has changed possibly with another woman (an ex, a new match, an old date that ghosted him thinking actually he was worth a second chance, a wife - the possibilities are endless) that has distracted him, it's totally shit but you will probably look back and be relieved to have dodged a bullet.

Nothing wrong with being honest and just saying what was going on the other night with you, or just right him off and move on.

It's so hard to be resilient doing OLD but I always tried to think with each ghosting / disappointment or whatever - well it feels shit today but I have leant xxxxxx , you learn to spot red flags, to be brave and ask honest questions rather than be terrified of being nice and getting rejected, what is a personal deal breaker etc.

Good luck and don't accept shittyness x

I couldn’t be arsed with someone like that in my honest opinion.

His behaviour is weird and would put me off. I also could not be arsed with someone who sent me a picture of their takeaway! I mean, why? Especially when he didn’t want to actually eat with you, why would you want to see a picture of food that he is eating to himself without you? How bizarre! Yet he never replied to a message about arranging the next date!

Just count it as a blessing, I think you have had a lucky escape.

Thanks everyone ☺️
Yes, I will move on from this one. Its really strange how it makes you feel though. I started to think about my ex a little last night. I need to continue moving forward and build up some resilience, I think.
I'm thinking he has another match. If he was not single, he wouldn't have been so open at work. Yes, come to think of it the food pic was a bit strange!

Sounds like an anxiety issue to me, or maybe he has IBS or other digestive disorder that is exacerbated by nerves. Now that things are less anonymous because you have the work link in common, he might be running scared. The photo of the takeaway sounds like he’s trying to prove to you that he can and does eat! Whatever his reasons for avoiding food though, it’s all a bit odd. I would definitely trust your gut in these situations - do what’s right for you and don’t let anyone mess you around or waste your time.

I don’t mind the odd one off food picture from someone I’ve been dating for a while if they have gone out somewhere interesting and are just showing me what they are upto and the food has been served in a nice creative way….. But a picture of sloppy takeaway in a box? Ewwww no! i just find that childish.

I think he probably had second thoughts for some reason, maybe he has matched with someone else like you said, maybe he felt embarrassed about the food situation or maybe he feels a bit weird about the work situation. But whatever his reason is, he doesn’t seem to have the maturity to let you know and his way of dealing with it is extremely childish! Yeah let’s make it all about myself… I will send a picture of my takeaway but will ignore any subsequent messages from you about meeting up again.

Yes, it all felt a bit strange. Both looking forward to it, to a bit of an uncomfortable evening. He has dated someone at work before apparently. He said he was worried about getting food down himself. I did suggest something easy to eat. I actually have coeliac so I understand the anxieties but mine are around finding something that I can actually eat from the menu. I did actually say we didn't have to eat. I was a little conscious then that he was hungry. All i know is it felt pressured and i was ready to leave by then as i couldn't sit with someone who i thought didn't want to be there. He had only been on the site since May so I'm thinking there is another match. Its fine I suppose.
I have analysed it, silly I know. Even to my last message. I won't do that anymore now. He has chosen to ignore it, however he took it, I can't change it.
I need to build not only resilience but a bit of confidence before going back on the dating site.

Out of interest op, how was he at the beginning of date 3 when you first met for the date and upto and during watching the film? Was he the same as date 1 and 2 or was he uncomfortable/ fidgety right from the start of date 3? Or did it just happen as soon as food was mentioned?

He was messaging right up until the date, looking forward to it. He was quite close in the cinema. Chatting before the film. We left and went to the pub. He was telling me he was working this week and had 4 days off. He told me this last time so I was thinking he might suggest something. He had made plans for the Saturday all day and night. He then has his children on the Tuesday for a week. He didn't mention anything. We were talking about liking cooking and he said if you play your cards right. Didn't offer though. We spoke about working over Christmas. He started the food conversion quickly. That's why I thought he's hungry. He checked his phone and as he picked it up he angled it from me. Its fine, he owes me nothing and could potentially be talking to others. He checked it at the bar (in the cinema too). He appeared a little uninterested, not as close. To the point I started to feel uncomfortable. He asked for a kiss in the car (I drove from the cinema to the pub). He asked if i had a nice time and i said yes. Drove him back to his car at the cinema and he left. Messaged me his food. Said we should have eaten. Let's maybe arrange food next week. I messaged back to say yes, let me know when you can fit me in. Nothing since that!

Wait and see. If nothing happens then so be it. There’s a lot of potential reasons for his behaviour but I wouldn’t give this anymore thought.

Go on a date with someone else in the meantime.

There are some good suggestions on here, all are plausible...but it's only five weeks and three dates in and his behaviours are already messing with your head. Pursue this if you feel it's viable but if you're already seeing those little red flags fluttering so early on it may be worth reconsidering.

I have deleted his number. I'm not interested in chase this. I gave him opportunity to arrange things. I was completely open. You are right, a few things that are unsettling me so I have decided to delete his contact. He hasn't messaged since the date. His management of communication has put me off now. Although, disappointing, I would rather had 'I'm not interested ' message as this way, you are left in limbo and it says alot about his communication style.
I shall continue swiping. It's a little bit scary as you genuinely perceive to feel like you know someone more as we have the option to communicate via messenger.

Just a side note to suggest maybe a change of wording in regards to your texting him 'yes, let me know when you can fit me in'. Phrasing it like that could be taken as a little bit passive/aggressive arsey even when totally innocent.

Years ago I had a guy send me the exact same wording and it really put me off him. To the point I just didn't want to see him after that. It sounded as though he was being a passive aggressive dick implying I was far too busy or self-important to see him. And that he'd be sitting around waiting for me. Gave me the ick. If he'd have typed 'yes, which day works for you?' it sounds far more engaging and I would have answered right back a day that worked.

Just my 2p though.

I don’t see anything wrong with what op write to him in her text. I would have probably written something like “please let me know when you are free” which is very similar tbh and nobody has ever been put off by it.
If someone is going to get offended by a text like that then I’d rather not date them anyway. For this reason I always look for someone who is a glass half full and doesn’t take things too seriously or to heart or get upset too easily. This is why I said to op that I could not be arsed with someone this man who she has been dating. He sounds too much like hard work and gets uncomfortable/ upset too easily. She has had 3 dates with him not and he doesn’t seem to have the decency nor the emotional maturity to let her know either what is wrong with him or that he doesn’t think things will work out.

Arrrrggghhh so many typos

*wrote not write
*I could not be arsed with someone like this man
*She has had 3 dates with him now

I have analysed this and yes, I understand what you mean. The reason I said it was because. He had mentioned his week working and his days off. I didn't want to be too forward asking him to do something so I asked what his plans were. He wasn't sure but he was going to plan some nice things. So on the next date, he said he had planned the Friday and Saturday. I thought well, he hasn't asked when I'm free so I will hold off. He then said he had his children on the Mon for the week. We spoke about that. He then said he likes cooking and if I play my cards right, but again no plan. He mentioned going out for food next week so I said yes, that would be nice. Then he sent the pic of his takeaway. Mentioned food next week again. I'm thinking ok, but he isn't even asking when I'm free (this was during the date too). So I said OK, I'm happy to do that. Let me know when you can fit me in (because I knew full well, he wasn't arranging anything). Only because he didn't appear to be saying, arranging or asking when I'm free. Up until this, I had been quite forward in arranging but something felt off. He wasn't really interested this time. But, yes I have been over thinking my response.

Best of luck to you moving forward OP. Online dating is such a minefield, isn't it? I don't miss it at all. Sounds so much worse now than when I was online dating years ago. Ugh.

People say to enjoy it but I find it difficult to. Especially as I have learnt so much over the years. I see how it has worked for some. I'm very much for being happy alone. I feel I have built that over the years. However, I actually would like to meet someone.

The phone thing makes me think someone else made him a better offer that evening.

I found online dating sooooooo draining! It did eventually work out, but took 5.5 years and some of the most bizarre characters the world has to offer.

I'm definitely thinking he was swayed. He did show me his kebab so not sure it was that night. But definitely another offer I think. I suppose that's how online dating goes. Doesn't do much for your self esteem but I'm building the resilience as we speak. So helpful to chat here.
5.5 years! Wow! Do I have it in me haha! I hope you have found someone lovely now?

I think showing his kebab (😆sounds like a euphemism) was meant to back up his excuse.

What weirdo sends a picture of their kebab?
Only a weirdo who feels they need to prove they went to get a kebab.
What person needs to prove they're getting a kebab?
Someone who's ditched their date for a booty call.

Well, I'm so naive in all of this. He was messaging afterwards until about 11.
I suppose some stay up later than me, I was snoozing just after 11.

Maybe he was anxious about people watching him eat - form of OCD.

You sound like a really nice, decent person and you don't deserve to be messed about like this. I'm sure there is a man out there who would be eager to arrange dates with you. Don't contact this man again, it'll be interesting to see if he gets back in touch. It sounds like he has something else going on in his life at the moment, hence the phone checking on dates. You deserve better than that.

One possibility of what happened on the night - maybe he was trying to entice you back to his place? Saying he didn't want to eat out, and then making a big thing about getting a takeaway, was he perhaps trying to suggest you join him with takeaway back at his. His nerves might have been because he didn't have the balls to outright ask you back, and he was hoping that you'd invite yourself.

He might be quiet since because he thinks that either he's blown his chance with you, or because he assumed your lack of interest in joining him with the takeaway was you rejecting him? Or he's just lost interest in the chase after 3 dates.

I'll be honest, from your description of him, he doesn't sound like the sort of bloke who's going to be getting a lot of offers from OLD. I reckon he'll be back in your inbox in a week or so with half a grovelling apology, and some limp excuse for going quiet.