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Original poster

DH's bias for his family

61 replies

Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 18:44

I (36F) and my husband (37M) are nearly breaking up over issues with his family. Up until 2 - 3 years ago, things were fine. We were happy and our marriage was good; there were very few small topics of diagreements, nothing major. Then I fell out with MIL; it has tested our marriage to its core. DH's family are v close where MIL is a domineering, gossiping, snobbish, wealthy, queen bee (who is rude and always has her way) and everyone else a loyal follower. I used to play along somewhat until the fall out; I have just completely lost respect for her since though; for the way she treated me when i tried to discuss the issue with her and now i just cant be bothered with her anymore. The family dynamic though has meant others trying to intefere, others gossiping about us, cutting us out, etc - I have really lost respect for everyone in the family now and I just want to keep my distance, minimum contact, minimum presence for important occasions, etc.

DH on the other hand has become a shell of a person. He has been depressed; he says he is v keen to be v close to his family and the situation is something that has ruined his life. He just has little to no empathy for me when it comes to his family and to him, they can do no wrong. The blatant bias and lack of support has been baffling. I thought DH was a fair, balanced, objective person - when it comes to his family, he is just unable to be that. This situation has changed our relationship completely and there is a kind of depression we have not been able to shake off.

I am starting to think, our marriage will never be the same again. For him, I will always be the wife that rocked the boat with his family (that he never wanted) and for me, he will always be a biased man, unable to be fair or to speak up, when it comes to his family. We are just about clutching on and we may even heal this for now with counselling, but I am worried that in a few years' time, this will ultimagtely come back to break us up (and it will be worse for we may have a kid then).

Anyone with any experience of a DH like this?

OP posts:
SoonToBeinSpotlight · 22/07/2023 18:51

OP, it may be just how you have written this, but it's impossible to tell if you are being reasonable.

You share very harsh judgements of the mum, but no facts about what she has actually said or done that help us know how much is you being difficult versus her.

You seem to lay all the blame for your marriage problems on your husband and speak about him with real lack of respect and total lack of empathy, but again you don't share any details of things he has actually said or done, so we can't even begin to guess where the problem actually lies......

Your post seems very wrapped up in your own emotions and judgements, rather than able to appreciate others perspectives.... so if this is what you are bringing to relationships, it might not be helping?

Perhaps there are facts available that will make it very clear that your DH and MIL are the problem.... right now I'm not seeing them...

Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 18:54

@SoonToBeinSpotlight - there are incidents spanning 2 - 3years... it would be hard to set out all the facts even if i talk for an hour.. leave along a post on a thread! So I have indeed summarised...

OP posts:
Thisnameforthisthread · 22/07/2023 19:02

I did have a similar thing with my then husband and his mother. The relationship started off well but I unknowingly offended her and paid for it later. I couldn't understand why my husband didn't say or do anything - he just heard what she said and carried on as if it hadn't happened.

He said it was to protect his inheritance but I know now it was to protect himself. His mother was a raging narcissist and bully and he was scared of the repurcussions of calling her out on her behaviour.

From what you've said about your MIL I'm wondering if it could be a similar thing in your husband's case @Dilemna2023 ? Does he disagree with you about the thing you fell out about? Or does he think you may have had a point but should have kept quiet and sucked up whatever it was? The fact you say he's become a shell of a person with a ruined life sounds rather dramatic, does he have form for this? Is he not seeing his family just now?

renamedbutsame · 22/07/2023 19:04

you will eventually divorce.

MaxTalk · 22/07/2023 19:06

Why should anyone defend/protect their partner if they think they are in the wrong? May be the case but personally if I thought my partner was being unreasonable, I wouldn't support them.

DiscoDeborah · 22/07/2023 19:09

I know you say it's too long to go into but no-one can really advise without having some idea of what's happened.

Ultimately though, it sounds like your marriage will struggle to survive this without some serious work and compromise.

Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:11

@Thisnameforthisthread - yes! I do think MIL is a narcissist and DH doesnt want to be on the recieving end of the bullying / rudeness from her. He once said the words "I will be outcast by my family..." in one of our discussions... and it made me realise he is well aware of the dysfunctional "loyalty" dynamics of the family.

He is inconsitent. On a good day he will agree with me about the reason for the fall-out and where his mum really let us down; on another day he will say the whole thing could have been avoided if i hadnt rocked the boat by bringing it up with her.

He is very very affected by it (i do think its dramatic but I feel it is because he is terrified of the judgement from his family and not being "ameanable"). They are really not understanding and there is no space for individuality. He put a pause on our having kids for 2.5 yrs now because of this. We started trying a few months back but an argument with his sibling (which his sibling started despite my requests not to), meant pause again on the kid front. He has also stopped seeing extended family members because he is embaressed.. it is v sad; he feels a lot of shame and pressure.

You say then husband - did your marriage with the said husband end in divorce then? Was this a part of the reason?

OP posts:
KentishMama · 22/07/2023 19:11

You are concerned that this might turn into the thing that breaks you up a few years down the line, and it might be worse then because you might have a child.

To state the obvious: Do not bring a child into an unhappy relationship, in particular with a difficult MIL dynamic. A recipe for disaster.

continentallentil · 22/07/2023 19:15

It’s very hard to tell if you are being reasonable or not - my suspicion is it’s not as one sided as you imply.

Rather than go over the past you and DH need to find a way forward. I’d try counselling if I were you, but that often does involve accepting that your own behaviour isn’t entirely perfect, and you will both have to make some effort. If you aren’t prepared to do this then better to call it quickly.

Dacadactyl · 22/07/2023 19:16

I would need to know what the MIL and you fell out about really.

You may be being unreasonable and your DH is now in a difficult place if so. I don't think he thinks she was unreasonable, otherwise he'd have backed you up.

Is there any hope of a reconciliation with MIL?

continentallentil · 22/07/2023 19:16

… and don’t have children till you resolve this. He’s right about that.

Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:21

@continentallentil - I dont think I am perfect; I am sure there are things i could have said or done better. I think the main point for me is that, no matter what happens this point forwards, I will never have trust/respect in the same way for his family again and will never want to be " close" to them. Too much has happened that can't be unheard/unseen/unsaid so realistically, I want minimal contact for myself. As for DH, he wants something v close and its v hard for him to settle for less as he cant understand their role/dysfunction in how it came to this. I will not stop him for seeing them but given i have wider/firemr boundaries now, it will inevitably not give him the closeness he seeks (for as long as he is with me). I am looking for advice as to whether anyone has had marriages like this and if things improved in time (ie. if the DH was able to be more objective and have compassion for the wife's position as well, in the long run).

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:23

@Dacadactyl - what makes you think he would have backed me up if he felt she was wrong? He literally tells our counsellor that he agrees so and so were wrong but he didnt say anything because he didn't want conflict.

OP posts:
Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 22/07/2023 19:23

Do you really want to have a dc that you would be expected to offer up to appease such awful people op?

Dacadactyl · 22/07/2023 19:26

Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:23

@Dacadactyl - what makes you think he would have backed me up if he felt she was wrong? He literally tells our counsellor that he agrees so and so were wrong but he didnt say anything because he didn't want conflict.

Well I think that because that would be the normal reaction.

But what does your counsellor say when he says that? Is he doing any work on himself to help him be able to stand up for himself with his family?

Also, perhaps he feels that MIL is wrong but not so wrong that she should be cut off for good and for him to have to choose between you.

Firecrest17 · 22/07/2023 19:28

This sounds really tough OP. I don’t have a similar situation, but have several friends who are in the dynamic you describe. They are slightly further along - 40s with kids - but have had very similar sounding issues with narcissistic MILs. For what it’s worth , they have managed to find a way through and 10 years or so into marriage keep the MIL at arms length and are fairly united as couples. From what I know (I’m obviously not them, although with two in particular we do discuss it a lot) the situation isn’t plain sailing, but they’re not in break up territory anymore.

I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but it sounds really tough. I agree with the posters above who have suggested councilling. Couples therapy or mediation could really help you find a way forward, if this is what you want.

Tangerinedreams3 · 22/07/2023 19:29

My ex MIL was exactly like this. Two of her kids in their 50s have 3 divorces between them. Mine included. He left. The remaining sibling that is still married well the spouse keeps himself much at arms length.
My ex MIL is a sharp tongued woman and getting worse with age. Ex H has to live with her ,😆 His choice. She's also the worst kind of reverse snob.
It's only now I can see it for what it was. I'm free of a type of cult! Unfortunately my kids aren't.

Firecrest17 · 22/07/2023 19:29

Oh, and I heard a really interesting piece about narcissistic mothers on the radio the other morning, I think on Women’s hour. If you’re after a bit of solidarity.

Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:31

@Dacadactyl - well i am asking for advice in this thread as the reaction he has isnt the "normal reaction" - ie. he is not able to speak up when he thinks someone is being rude to me. The cousnellor is trying to explore this... not clear what the path forward is...

MIL is not being cut off for good. I just want to see a lot less of her and i am not stopping him from seeing her on his own if he wants to. I now see her about twice a year instead of a dozen times and i dont do stay-overs. This would be the norm for many people but for some, it may seem like "cut off" - it depends on the family or individual perspective i guess.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 22/07/2023 19:33

You mention her wealth. Is your DH scared to side with you in case he's disinherited? How much does he rely on family wealth for financial stability?

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 22/07/2023 19:36

Worse still you have a dc and dh takes it to see them without you.... Overnights if mil insisted. Dh won't back you up to say no.

Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:38

@YukoandHiro - he would never say it i guess that he is worried he will be cut off inheritance, but maybe that is a factor, dont know. I wouldnt ask and if i did i wont get the truth anyway. Who would admit to that?

We are financially ok and dont rely on her for anything. She gives her kids large (6 digit) sums for getting on the housing ladder but we declined; same for our wedding (we declined a very generous cash sum from her). I think she is v conscious the others get more money as a result than DH so has at times offered him large lump sums to make it even, but he declined (as I firmly said no).

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:41

@Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets - yes this is what i worry about now. I used to care a lot about DH speaking up for me/us, but after 2-3 years of arguments and nearly breaking up, i have given up on that. I think i dont expect that from him anymore and I will just keep my good distance. I am worried about the kids however. Will i be able to get DH to have some boundaries for the kids? I want them to also have a good distance and boundaries so they dont think this dysfunction is ok (and worse, think its good practise and start copying it).

OP posts:
rwalker · 22/07/2023 19:43

There do sound like much compromise going on
the thing is it’s the easiest thing in the world for you to drop his family but it’s different f him altogether

Also when your brought up with this it’s the norm he won’t see it as the same level I’d issue as you do

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 22/07/2023 19:43

Your dh won't put you and your marriage first. Why would you consider he would put your dc first? Seriously this is him. Tied to dm's apron strings. Why are you so keen to stay with him?
He sounds a wet weekend. Not attractive in anyway that matters.. Don't any dc you have deserve a df who respects their dm? Because he certainly doesn't..