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Original poster

DH's bias for his family

61 replies

Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 18:44

I (36F) and my husband (37M) are nearly breaking up over issues with his family. Up until 2 - 3 years ago, things were fine. We were happy and our marriage was good; there were very few small topics of diagreements, nothing major. Then I fell out with MIL; it has tested our marriage to its core. DH's family are v close where MIL is a domineering, gossiping, snobbish, wealthy, queen bee (who is rude and always has her way) and everyone else a loyal follower. I used to play along somewhat until the fall out; I have just completely lost respect for her since though; for the way she treated me when i tried to discuss the issue with her and now i just cant be bothered with her anymore. The family dynamic though has meant others trying to intefere, others gossiping about us, cutting us out, etc - I have really lost respect for everyone in the family now and I just want to keep my distance, minimum contact, minimum presence for important occasions, etc.

DH on the other hand has become a shell of a person. He has been depressed; he says he is v keen to be v close to his family and the situation is something that has ruined his life. He just has little to no empathy for me when it comes to his family and to him, they can do no wrong. The blatant bias and lack of support has been baffling. I thought DH was a fair, balanced, objective person - when it comes to his family, he is just unable to be that. This situation has changed our relationship completely and there is a kind of depression we have not been able to shake off.

I am starting to think, our marriage will never be the same again. For him, I will always be the wife that rocked the boat with his family (that he never wanted) and for me, he will always be a biased man, unable to be fair or to speak up, when it comes to his family. We are just about clutching on and we may even heal this for now with counselling, but I am worried that in a few years' time, this will ultimagtely come back to break us up (and it will be worse for we may have a kid then).

Anyone with any experience of a DH like this?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 22/07/2023 19:44

There isn’t any cure for the situation you are describing. Not inside this marriage as you describe it. You want to have a strong, peaceful, nuclear family where the primary goals are set by you and your dh for the benefit of your little unit, and if and when children come you would like to be the main parents and make the decisions, companionably, within your little family.

He doesn’t want that, or fears the repercussions snd abuse/shunning he will take from his mother and her supporters. Ignore posters who try to assign some fault to you or excuse your dh’s cowardice and divided loyalty.

A modern, companionate, marriage of equals can not survive one party’s submission to external family demands. If he can’t grow up enough to “cleave unto you” then the marriage has to end. Hopefully before you have children to fight over and soon enough for you to find another husband. A more devoted one.

Daffodilwoman · 22/07/2023 19:46

I would say do not have a child with him. You will resent your dh taking the child to see/stay with mil and in time it will become awkward. I had a friend who fell out with her mil many years ago. She never saw her after that. She did not allow her dcs to go to mils. Her dh did stay in touch with his mother but I don’t see how he could have been close.
The mil passed away and my friend did not attend the funeral. She was a strong character and told her dh her feelings and that was that.
They are still together by the way. In brief what I’m saying is yes their marriage survived but she made it clear that she was done with mil. If her dh wanted to see her then fine, but not to involve her in any way shape or form.

AquaButton · 22/07/2023 19:46

I think he believes you were in the wrong but is saying what you want to hear in counselling. If that is true he will always blame you for the rift.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2023 19:48

You won’t win this one. I think you’d be happier without this constant angst and drama hanging over you and your relationship.

Have you read Toxic Inlaws?

butterpuffed · 22/07/2023 19:49

Your DH does stick up for you , he refused a house deposit from them because you said no , and obviously wasn't a small amount .

You sound like a very strong woman , so does your MIL , he doesn't like confrontation so probably keeps many of his thoughts to himself .

Please don't bring children into this , it would only make a bad situation worse .

gonetogreece · 22/07/2023 19:55

I'm in a situation that is similar, DH Sister does not like me., fine by me but then it escalated to her saying something so offensive that I had to call it out, MIL sided with her daughter. This was obviously awkward for my husband and he didn't speak to his sister for a year, she refuses to apologise. I could see how depressed my husband was becoming and convinced him to have a relationship with her and his nieces and nephews without me being involved.They now meet and have meals for occasions like birthdays/Christmas/Easter but he goes alone.
I know he feels bad but I prefer it this way and even if she apologised I probably wouldn't accept.
This only works because we don't have children together, I don't see how it could work with children involved.
What was it your MIL said?
You said your husband agrees that his mum is in the wrong, has he ever told her that she probably owes you an apology?

Maka21 · 22/07/2023 19:57

Hi it’s hard to give specific advice without some examples of the issues. I have gone through very similar and was broken-hearted by the situation, from how my mil treated me and how my husband responded to this. We have addressed it through the following;

  1. counselling. Both partners need to work really hard and then some to find a way forward.
  2. Communication and compromise - discussing ahead of time what you are both comfortable with and how you see visits going/when works for both of you to schedule time with family whether that is both together or separately.
  3. Time. It will feel very awkward to start and will take time and more patience than you could imagine. Keep it to small talk with his family and dip in and out of events occasionally.

it sounds like your husband is in denial at the moment, but if you really want this relationship to work keep at it.

Lira715 · 22/07/2023 19:58

Sorry you going through this, you say you feel she is a narcissist .. if she is then unfortunately this fall out would have happened sooner or later over another situation. My ExMIL is one ( I’d never even heard of NPD until she told me her son, my exh was one and I googled it ) she made up lies about us both tried to turn family members against me, lied about other family members too me, banned me from my daughters 1st birthday party at her house even. Your husband and the rest of the family will have spent years knowing that you do not go against her, the punishment is too horrific ( even to a child ). I’d strongly recommend counselling for him or both of you and take all talk of children off the table. If she is a narc she’s abusive and she will abuse grandchildren too you will have no control over stopping your child seeing her if you split up and it’s his weekend with the child.. she will try to turn the child against you too. It’s a horrible situation. We divorced oddly not because of MIL as Exh was aware she was unhinged so was his brother who also had problems with his wife and MIL. it’s not a situation I’d stay in if he’s refusing to accept there’s something very wrong with his family dynamic.

MadamWhiteleigh · 22/07/2023 20:03

You have to remember that he’s had an entire lifetime of them telling him how things should be. It’s very difficult for him to go against that, especially if they are strong character and he isn’t. He doesn’t know anything else.

It will take him a long time to see your point of view and agree it is the right one, and he may never get there.

Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 20:13

@MadamWhiteleigh - yes you have mailed it and that is what i am pondering about. Stay and hope one day he will see it; atleast for kids. Or stay and watch this disintegrate on another day, when it affects kids as well?

OP posts:
Begonne · 22/07/2023 20:13

I think it might be helpful to take a wider view of the situation. You’re focusing on your DH’s behaviours and reactions, but there’s much more to this than him.

We live in a culture that values individualism and it doesn’t really equip us to think or talk through the interwoven dynamics of families and relationships.

I’m not unsympathetic - my in laws are a complex and difficult family, with some toxic layers that have been hard to navigate. But my own family are also challenging. For both myself and dh, our family relationships are a high priority.

I gave serious consideration, more than once, to leaving. And I won’t deny that there’s a cost to staying. Over the years our bond and commitment to each other has grown much deeper, and the influence of the wider families have waned somewhat. But we’re not a nuclear unit.

At the point where I made the decision to stay, I knew that I was accepting a whole web of dynamics. Expecting dh to change wasn’t feasible (he did but that growth was slower and not forced by pressure from me) so I had to learn to work on my boundaries, within and without our marriage. And it is no exaggeration to call it work.

The only person you have control over is yourself; whether you leave or stay. Focusing on your dh, is not the answer here. Yes, he’s disappointed you, but this is who he is. The question is what you can or will accept, how you can adapt, what life you’re willing to commit to.

I’d strongly encourage that you explore some of this by yourself, rather than in couples counselling.

Original poster
Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 20:17

@Begonne - really like your response and agree. Its challenging though; not sure how to go about making such a big decision (ie. stay and work knowing it may still come to an end; or, leave now as it is what it is). If this was 5 years ago, the time pressure will not have been there, but now there is a time pressure as well re kids.

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 22/07/2023 20:35

Dear OP, @Dilemna2023

So sorry that you have found yourself in this terrible situation of your own making.
You should never have forced your DH to choose sides between his family and you. Did noone teach this timeless lesson to you?

If you want your marriage to survive you must back off and make multiple apologies whether you were wrong or not. Good luck.

MadamWhiteleigh · 22/07/2023 20:45

Whataretalkingabout · 22/07/2023 20:35

Dear OP, @Dilemna2023

So sorry that you have found yourself in this terrible situation of your own making.
You should never have forced your DH to choose sides between his family and you. Did noone teach this timeless lesson to you?

If you want your marriage to survive you must back off and make multiple apologies whether you were wrong or not. Good luck.

Seriously?

AutumnCrow · 22/07/2023 20:48

Honestly, OP, leave and start again while you still have your sanity. This marriage sounds like a disaster. Don't bring a child into it. Don't put yourself through it.

In fact, run very fast while you can.

Changeling78 · 22/07/2023 21:18

Of course your OH is in turmoil, the two women he loves most in the world are at loggerheads. He may just be giving you lip service on how he feels about her as he wants an easier life.

Dery · 23/07/2023 08:01

You sound a bit controlling in your own way, OP. You have twice refused to allow your DH to accept financial contributions from his mother. You seem to take for granted that that’s appropriate but it’s not immediately clear to me why. My dad gave me some money when I bought my first flat. My PILs gave my DH some money towards our house purchase. I thought that was okay. If it was not a gift, if she wanted to ring-fence her contribution and take it back in the future, then of course that’s different. But if not, then why do you get to force your DH to refuse the money?

Janieforever · 23/07/2023 08:10

I also don’t think it’s fixable, and I’m struggling to understand why you refuse to explain what the falling out was about. He clearly doesn’t agree with your assessment and behaviour. You think you’re in the right. None of us know as you haven’t explained other than hurling some insults at her.

so for your core question as you both sit on different sides and his family are important to him I think it’s over.

curlyrebel · 23/07/2023 08:29

Out of interest OP, are you and your DH from different cultural backgrounds? In some cultures, family is everything and it's completely disrespectful to put your DM (or DMIL) down. My MIL is fine but I definitely don't tell my DH when she's annoyed me! If this is the case, it may explain how uncomfortable he is with the whole situation. Although depression sounds extreme!

Most probably you and DMIL are probably both similar personalities and you've clashed. If you want to keep your marriage I would work towards some resolution with his family.

DuckIings · 23/07/2023 08:34

Totally depends what happened. I don't think spouses should automatically support their spouse Vs family of origin.

Icedlatteplease · 23/07/2023 08:44

I don't understand why you refused financial help for your house and wedding? And then wear it like it a badge of honour

I'd bitterly resent a partner who made our joint life harder out of a pig headed sense of independence.

What was the falling out over? Noone can actually say if you were being unreasonable without that information

Icedlatteplease · 23/07/2023 08:44

But yes the relationship is over

CurlewKate · 23/07/2023 08:56

You can opt out of any dealings with his family but I don't think you can expect him to do the same. Why not let him have his relationship with them and you have yours (ie none)

Mummy08m · 23/07/2023 09:10

Your mil may well be awful but you are very controlling to insist your dh refuse the money gifts from his mother, multiple times. I cannot see how that's in any way justified. In my views it's practically a human right for a parent to choose to give their money to their children (not wanting to start a debate on inheritance tax or anything!) If you didn't want the money to go into your shared house, your dh could have done a separate investment and not share the dividends with you if you're so stubborn, but to deliberately restrict him from receiving money that he's arguably entitled to? Breathtakingly controlling and if I were your dh's friend/family I'd be concerned for him.

This is the only concrete example of a dispute you've given so far and it paints you in a very bad light imo. There may be other examples that prove that they're "the baddies" of course.

You aren't compatible. Leave him and marry someone else to have kids with.

Mummy08m · 23/07/2023 09:16

Can you imagine it "aibu? I want to give a proportion of my savings to my son, I've saved it up since he was a child to help him get on the housing ladder and I've done the same for his sister. But his wife won't let me. Forces him to refuse it. Ive tried to give it to him to keep separate from their shared account but she forces him to refuse that too"