Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DH's bias for his family

61 replies

Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 18:44

I (36F) and my husband (37M) are nearly breaking up over issues with his family. Up until 2 - 3 years ago, things were fine. We were happy and our marriage was good; there were very few small topics of diagreements, nothing major. Then I fell out with MIL; it has tested our marriage to its core. DH's family are v close where MIL is a domineering, gossiping, snobbish, wealthy, queen bee (who is rude and always has her way) and everyone else a loyal follower. I used to play along somewhat until the fall out; I have just completely lost respect for her since though; for the way she treated me when i tried to discuss the issue with her and now i just cant be bothered with her anymore. The family dynamic though has meant others trying to intefere, others gossiping about us, cutting us out, etc - I have really lost respect for everyone in the family now and I just want to keep my distance, minimum contact, minimum presence for important occasions, etc.

DH on the other hand has become a shell of a person. He has been depressed; he says he is v keen to be v close to his family and the situation is something that has ruined his life. He just has little to no empathy for me when it comes to his family and to him, they can do no wrong. The blatant bias and lack of support has been baffling. I thought DH was a fair, balanced, objective person - when it comes to his family, he is just unable to be that. This situation has changed our relationship completely and there is a kind of depression we have not been able to shake off.

I am starting to think, our marriage will never be the same again. For him, I will always be the wife that rocked the boat with his family (that he never wanted) and for me, he will always be a biased man, unable to be fair or to speak up, when it comes to his family. We are just about clutching on and we may even heal this for now with counselling, but I am worried that in a few years' time, this will ultimagtely come back to break us up (and it will be worse for we may have a kid then).

Anyone with any experience of a DH like this?

OP posts:

Fidelina · 23/07/2023 09:21

Icedlatteplease · 23/07/2023 08:44

I don't understand why you refused financial help for your house and wedding? And then wear it like it a badge of honour

I'd bitterly resent a partner who made our joint life harder out of a pig headed sense of independence.

What was the falling out over? Noone can actually say if you were being unreasonable without that information

This. I can’t help feeling it’s significant the OP won’t say what the original dispute with her MIL was, and then mentions a separate, more recent falling out with one of her DH’s siblings. Yes, they could all be dreadful, and the OP a saint, or the OP could be difficult, but there’s no evidence either way in her posts. Either way, it’s largely irrelevant if the marriage isn’t working.

Jigslaw · 23/07/2023 09:21

DH so has at times offered him large lump sums to make it even, but he declined (as I firmly said no).

I'd say he is supportive, but it is his family at the end of the day and I doubt he will change his stance towards this. I certainly wouldn't give up a huge lump sum that would invariably make life much easier for a partner- not in a million years so fair play to him (although he's evidently crazy).

Newgirls · 23/07/2023 09:24

I think the rose tinted years are over and you both know each other better now. Do you want to be together knowing the facts? We can’t expect people to change entirely to fit our world view. You might simply not be compatible at this stage in your lives.

Ireolu · 23/07/2023 09:30

I have a dominating, self involved MIL. Been married to DH 10yrs. Difference is that he sees his mother for what she is. Loves her but does not force a relationship between me and her. We all stay in our lanes. I personally wouldn't put up with it. Pausing and unpausing TTC is also incredibly selfish on his part given he can father children till he is 80 potentially and women generally have a smaller window. Although I am not sure I would have kids with him either. Think long and hard about it OP.

Maddy70 · 23/07/2023 09:31

They are his family. You expect him to cut them off because you don't like them. !

You don't have to like them but you don't have to stop him being jusyvas involved with his family as he's always been.

Quartz2208 · 23/07/2023 09:55

How much is this though wanting your own way - firmly saying no, asking his sibling to respect you don’t want to talk about it, him saying he will be an outcast because all the others do something you are refusing to do

i suspect his mother is a domineering woman but the impression I get is so are you.

you both want the poor man to side and agree with you and he can’t. Let him have counselling on his own

Icedlatteplease · 23/07/2023 09:58

I have a difficult mother. But the one thing I know is whatever happens my family have my back, they are the kindest mist generously people i know with emotionally and financially support (almost to a fault). Like your DH if a partner fell out with them it would have to get incredibly one sided for me to pick a side that wasn't them. I love my family for all their faults, I would absolutely hate anyone who made that relationship hard.

Close families do disagree and argue. Sometimes you swallow it (rightly or wrongly) because actually the disagreement isn't in any way as important as the benefits of close family relationships. Some people call this brushing things under the carpet, which it is, but the bigger picture is that it just isn't important in the wider scheme of things.

To you there's no bigger picture. To your partner the bigger picture is that you may divorce him any day, it will be his family picking up the pieces, emotionally and financially.

Which is why without knowing what the original argument was it hard to see you DH as unreasonable. For example If his mother insisted on bringing her paedophile brother to babysit your children you very much wouldn't be unreasonable.

But on the whole to him it's clear the disagreement isn't worth jeopardising his family relationship. Which is the reason the relationship is dying a slow death

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/07/2023 10:07

I think you should both and the relationship. You can't live the life you want with his family and he can't live the life he wants with you. Once you have children it'll be an absolute nightmare.

Just one thing to note, though, I think the next woman he gets involved with willbe loved bombed by his family because they will have realised how close they were to losing him to you.

Thisnameforthisthread · 23/07/2023 11:25

Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:11

@Thisnameforthisthread - yes! I do think MIL is a narcissist and DH doesnt want to be on the recieving end of the bullying / rudeness from her. He once said the words "I will be outcast by my family..." in one of our discussions... and it made me realise he is well aware of the dysfunctional "loyalty" dynamics of the family.

He is inconsitent. On a good day he will agree with me about the reason for the fall-out and where his mum really let us down; on another day he will say the whole thing could have been avoided if i hadnt rocked the boat by bringing it up with her.

He is very very affected by it (i do think its dramatic but I feel it is because he is terrified of the judgement from his family and not being "ameanable"). They are really not understanding and there is no space for individuality. He put a pause on our having kids for 2.5 yrs now because of this. We started trying a few months back but an argument with his sibling (which his sibling started despite my requests not to), meant pause again on the kid front. He has also stopped seeing extended family members because he is embaressed.. it is v sad; he feels a lot of shame and pressure.

You say then husband - did your marriage with the said husband end in divorce then? Was this a part of the reason?

Yes, we are divorced. This wasn't part of the reason but it was on a long list of him putting me last and himself first.

Your husband's inconsistency - is he like this with other things in your life? Blaming you for things that aren't always your doing?

I would say remember that this is the woman who raised your husband. My exMIL is dead but the repurcussions of the way she raised her family will be there until the pattern is broken. Two of her children are strongly narcissistic and abusive and at least one of her grandchildren is also highly toxic and manipulative. Dangerously so (I'm not being melodramatic in saying that). Her other child is always desperately trying to appease one of their siblings and have a normal relationship with them. It's never going to happen. They're fascinating to watch but I'm so relieved I never have to have any dealings with any of them again.

I echo what PPs have said - please, please consider carefully about having children with this man. I read the other day 'never marry a man you wouldn't like to divorce' - same goes for having children with. They can be used in horrendous ways by toxic people and it rarely ends well.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 23/07/2023 11:28

I would just call it a day if I were you, he and his family will not change.... move on and enjoy your life Xx

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2023 12:47

Dilemna2023 · 22/07/2023 19:38

@YukoandHiro - he would never say it i guess that he is worried he will be cut off inheritance, but maybe that is a factor, dont know. I wouldnt ask and if i did i wont get the truth anyway. Who would admit to that?

We are financially ok and dont rely on her for anything. She gives her kids large (6 digit) sums for getting on the housing ladder but we declined; same for our wedding (we declined a very generous cash sum from her). I think she is v conscious the others get more money as a result than DH so has at times offered him large lump sums to make it even, but he declined (as I firmly said no).

As she has tried to treat all her children the same, and as giving money now will avoid complications and inheritance tax issues, why did you say no?

Flip

1 2 3