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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it his business?

62 replies

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 18:35

My husband is very paranoid and obsessed with my past despite us having been together for 10 years.
he is very insecure and wants to know details about past relationships.
i refuse to tell him as I say what happened before him is my business alone and not his, but we live in a small village and sometimes people bring up my ‘wild’ past and he wants to know names, dates, etc and when I refuse, he becomes upset and asks why I won’t talk about it.
Should I?

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 22/07/2023 18:36

No.

VisionsOfSplendour · 22/07/2023 18:39

Of course not, your business is exactly that you don't have to tell anyone unless you want to

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2023 18:41

DH has a wild past. I just laugh because he's a boring married man now.

Yours is a controlling arse.

Original poster
Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 18:48

I tell him it’s not his business and he tells me he has had to overcome a lot to be with me.
I’ve made some awful mistakes in the past, somethings I never told him about and hoped he would never find out but he did and is now using it against me.
Saying I disgust him and why didn’t I reveal these details before we settled down, married and had kids. Had he known these things he wouldn’t have been with me.
he feels I’m a fraud.

im quiet, reserved and boring now and having kids changed me.
I’ve made loads of mistakes but stupidly felt like as long as I don’t keep repeating them and have been a better person since settling down, why does it matter what I did before?
I don’t know how to get this through to his head as he thinks I’m being unreasonable and if I really loved him I would just be open about things.

OP posts:
TurnerP · 22/07/2023 18:52

Your past is yours and yours alone. Next time he asks, just say he knows all there is to know. Any info you give will be used as fuel for the fire in a future argument. As for locals, politely ask them not to bring up old stories

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 18:53

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 18:48

I tell him it’s not his business and he tells me he has had to overcome a lot to be with me.
I’ve made some awful mistakes in the past, somethings I never told him about and hoped he would never find out but he did and is now using it against me.
Saying I disgust him and why didn’t I reveal these details before we settled down, married and had kids. Had he known these things he wouldn’t have been with me.
he feels I’m a fraud.

im quiet, reserved and boring now and having kids changed me.
I’ve made loads of mistakes but stupidly felt like as long as I don’t keep repeating them and have been a better person since settling down, why does it matter what I did before?
I don’t know how to get this through to his head as he thinks I’m being unreasonable and if I really loved him I would just be open about things.

It also sounds like he is trying to crush your self esteem due to his own insecurities.

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/07/2023 18:55

It is absolutely not his business (assuming you weren't riddled with STDs when you met or anything like that).

I've had ex's like your DH, always digging for what is not their business to know, and whatever answer they're given not being good enough. Long gone.

My DH knows some bits of my past through conversation, and I know some of his, but neither of us would dream of asking for a full blow by blow account of every encounter. We're with each other NOW, not then.

Original poster
Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 18:56

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 18:52

Your past is yours and yours alone. Next time he asks, just say he knows all there is to know. Any info you give will be used as fuel for the fire in a future argument. As for locals, politely ask them not to bring up old stories

This is exactly what I say.
but he found out I did something immoral and he is shocked as in his eyes, he just knows me as the person I am now.
he wants names, dates, how long before him etc.’and when I tell him how crazy that is he just says if I loved him I would want to end his pain and he has a right to know everyone I’ve slept with!

OP posts:
Original poster
Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 18:57

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 18:53

It also sounds like he is trying to crush your self esteem due to his own insecurities.

Show quote history

This is very true.

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 22/07/2023 19:00

If the relationship is good now, why does he need to fish for dirt to sully what you have?

Sadly, he's looking either to destroy your confidence so that he can Lord it up to you or to used something from the past as a means to leave you and tell everyone that is why so that you look bad and he doesn't!

Or both.

No one should have to live like you do and he either draws a line under the past and lives in the present or you leave him him die his pathetic whinging about what happened years ago and has ZERO bearing on the present.

In short, he's an immature moron.

Coolblur · 22/07/2023 19:00

Don't tell him, you're right, it's not his business. He is insecure, it won't stop. If you don't tell him he'll say you're hiding something, and if you do, he'll use it against you.

The things he has said to you about overcoming a lot to be with you, and he wouldn't be if he had known about your past history (which he doesn't so what's that all about?) as if he's doing you a huge favour and you should feel ashamed of your past, are a disgrace! Who does he think he is?!
You should seriously consider whether you want to continue to be with someone who has such a poor opinion of you.

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:01

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 18:56

This is exactly what I say.
but he found out I did something immoral and he is shocked as in his eyes, he just knows me as the person I am now.
he wants names, dates, how long before him etc.’and when I tell him how crazy that is he just says if I loved him I would want to end his pain and he has a right to know everyone I’ve slept with!

Show quote history

Please be very careful with this, it is a slippery slope into an abusive and toxic black hole. Insist an end is put to the questioning. In instances like this, strong boundaries are needed otherwise his perceived entitlement to the truth/your past spreads into other areas with more emotional blackmail used to justify his behaviour

WunWun · 22/07/2023 19:03

What do you mean by immoral?

If someone said anything along the lines of that they'd had to overcome a lot to be with me it had better be something like fucking murder etc

WunWun · 22/07/2023 19:05

This reminds me of that comedian who was charged with domestic abuse who made a book of all his then girlfriends previous encounters with dates etc and used it to psychologically abuse her

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:05

WunWun · 22/07/2023 19:03

What do you mean by immoral?

If someone said anything along the lines of that they'd had to overcome a lot to be with me it had better be something like fucking murder etc

Is your husband religious? He may be trying to frame you into the 'whore' category

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:06

WunWun · 22/07/2023 19:05

This reminds me of that comedian who was charged with domestic abuse who made a book of all his then girlfriends previous encounters with dates etc and used it to psychologically abuse her

Who was this?

monsteramunch · 22/07/2023 19:07

Saying I disgust him and why didn’t I reveal these details before we settled down, married and had kids. Had he known these things he wouldn’t have been with me. he feels I’m a fraud.

Mate, he's a cunt.

He's emotionally abusing you by punishing you over your past.

It's disgusting behaviour on his part and men like him are dangerous when it comes to your mental wellbeing.

You cannot be in a happy, healthy relationship with a man like him.

porridgeisbae · 22/07/2023 19:09

now using it against me. Saying I disgust him and why didn’t I reveal these details before we settled down, married and had kids. Had he known these things he wouldn’t have been with me.

This is a kind of abuse OP. Saying you disgust him is a horrible thing to say. He's rejecting you but without leaving, so he can just keep on psychologically abusing you again and again.

he just says if I loved him I would want to end his pain and he has a right to know everyone I’ve slept with!

He's manipulative and controlling. You're together now so he should either STFU about it or leave. But no, he enjoys hurting you, so he stays.

If he's such an arbiter of morals, is he religious or something? If so, tell him that most religions state that someone can always turn over a new leaf and after that things in their past are washed away.

You were a bit wilder when younger, most of us were. I did many immoral and sinful things. Then I got baptized and I try not to sin. But I still do to an extent, because I'm human. Then the slate gets wiped clean when I repent, and I try again.

Tell him to imagine a life when every less than perfect thing he ever did in the past of any kind, was held against him and constantly brought up. He wouldn't like it, so he shouldn't inflict it upon you either.

If he really can't get past it then he needs to either get therapy or go. It wouldn't be 'fair' if he was to go, but you'd be better of by yourself than with someone who treats you this way.

notacooldad · 22/07/2023 19:11

This reminds me of that comedian who was charged with domestic abuse who made a book of all his then girlfriends previous encounters with dates etc and used it to psychologically abuse her
Who was this
Wasn't it Jystin Lee Collins.
He was a nasty prick.

notacooldad · 22/07/2023 19:11

Meant Justin Obviously!

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:12

I agree with porridge, he needs therapy ASAP to address his obsessive jealousy. If he doesn't get it, it will be you in need of therapy if he keeps this up.
Thank you for the link WunWun

2catsandhappy · 22/07/2023 19:12

Keep telling him it is none of his business.

The more you tell him, the more will be thrown back in your face. He might brood on it so much it could consume him. I don't know how jealous he is. I have an ex who would quiz me, I thought if I answered every question truthfully and completely he would get over it. No. Big mistake, turns out I was just fueling his jealousy and imagination.
I did not know back then to not feed the flames and to refuse to engage from the start.

porridgeisbae · 22/07/2023 19:15

Men like this can turn dangerous. They're messed up in the head and their jealousy (even if 'just' about the past- though it rarely stops there) can lead them to harm their partners.

Dery · 22/07/2023 19:18

“The things he has said to you about overcoming a lot to be with you, and he wouldn't be if he had known about your past history (which he doesn't so what's that all about?) as if he's doing you a huge favour and you should feel ashamed of your past, are a disgrace! Who does he think he is?! You should seriously consider whether you want to continue to be with someone who has such a poor opinion of you.”

This. He is abusing you. He sounds horrible.