Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it his business?

62 replies

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 18:35

My husband is very paranoid and obsessed with my past despite us having been together for 10 years.
he is very insecure and wants to know details about past relationships.
i refuse to tell him as I say what happened before him is my business alone and not his, but we live in a small village and sometimes people bring up my ‘wild’ past and he wants to know names, dates, etc and when I refuse, he becomes upset and asks why I won’t talk about it.
Should I?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 12:45

You need to divorce this man as quickly as possible. He is incredibly abusive and I have huge concerns that he is a dangerous man. This level of jealousy, contempt and coercive control is a disaster waiting to happen.

Sell the fucking house, do whatever it takes to get you and the kids away from him.

Prelapsarianhag · 23/07/2023 17:37

I'll tell you what's fucking immoral - your cunt of a husband trying any which way to find a stick to beat his wife with.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 18:10

I think if for example he was going to go for pints with someone he met at golf that you'd had a theeesome with them he deserves a heads up that there's history there- I'd want some warning. If nothing like this comes up then he doesn't need to know. Perhaps promise you'll warn him if there's anything you'd want to know about and reassure him you won't let him look the fool with neighbours

Original poster
Solitaryasanoyster · 25/07/2023 21:32

QueSyrahSyrah · 23/07/2023 12:38

@Theunamedcat obviously, but we don't know what it is that the OP is talking about, aside from it's (in her words) immoral.

but he found out I did something immoral and he is shocked as in his eyes, he just knows me as the person I am now.

He's got no business knowing or asking about the amount of partners or sex that she had in the past, but if she's done something that would be an absolute dealbreaker for many (like using sex workers would be) and he's only finding out now, then I can see how it'd cause a problem.

I'm not saying he's not a twat because he sounds like he is, but he can be a twat AND be shocked by something he's just learnt about his spouse.

I did not use sex workers 😂

But am curious as I see lots of threads with women saying their husband getting a lapdance is a deal breaker and others who don’t care, so even things like this are deeply personal and what’s deemed forgivable by some, would not be by others.

OP posts:
Beaverbridge · 25/07/2023 21:41

None of his business. Most people have some "wildness" in the past. He's going to use info to beat you over the head with it. Tell him to fuck off.

GoldDuster · 25/07/2023 21:49

Prelapsarianhag · 23/07/2023 17:37

I'll tell you what's fucking immoral - your cunt of a husband trying any which way to find a stick to beat his wife with.

Quite.

If he doesn't like and respect who you are then he needs to leave you in peace, not punish you for ever more for something you did before you knew he even existed, while ignoring his own ridiculous double standards.

Go carefully.

QueSyrahSyrah · 25/07/2023 22:22

@Solitaryasanoyster I didn't think you had OP, but that was an example of something that someone could discover about their long term partner that might evoke a different (or more understandably shocked) reaction than just having had a lot of prior partners.

It was your use of 'immoral' that made me pause. Having had an enthusiastic single sex life is not immoral.

Original poster
Solitaryasanoyster · 26/07/2023 09:34

QueSyrahSyrah · 25/07/2023 22:22

@Solitaryasanoyster I didn't think you had OP, but that was an example of something that someone could discover about their long term partner that might evoke a different (or more understandably shocked) reaction than just having had a lot of prior partners.

It was your use of 'immoral' that made me pause. Having had an enthusiastic single sex life is not immoral.

I get what you are saying, but even if someone found out something truly horrific about their partner- the worst thing imagineable (not the minor things I have done) it doesn’t excuse angry and abusive behaviour? To me, you accept someone and don’t bring things up, or if you don’t like/accept their behaviour, that’s completely your choice but you leave?
There is never an excuse for being nasty and abusive, no matter if one partner feels it’s ‘justified’ or not.

OP posts:
SuperSange · 26/07/2023 09:56

He's had to overcome a lot to be with you? Well he sounds delightful. What a Twat. In the bin with him; it's not going to get better.

itsmylife7 · 26/07/2023 10:04

Are these "arguments/discussions " in earshot of your children?

Make your long term plan to leave as its not going to improve.

ThePM · 26/07/2023 10:08

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 19:31

Not religious, no, but very insecure.
he did a lot of drugs and drinking in his youth and I swear it’s messed with his brain.
He never felt he was good enough for me and now he has heard whispers of me playing the field and being wild when I was younger, suddenly I’m a Scarlett woman and he is the hero.
just to say, since the day I became pregnant with our first child I have never put a foot wrong. I don’t drink, wouldn’t touch drugs, wouldn’t cheat, rarely go out. He has battled addiction and it’s like he almost enjoys me being the bad guy.
if I bring up his addiction when he comes at me over my past, he basically thinks I have no right to say anything as I made mistakes and experimented when I was younger.
apparently I can’t mention his current drinking or recent drug taking, as I tried drugs 20 years ago?!

Show quote history

Tell him to get stuffed.

if you’re not good enough your not good enough. So at this stage he needs to either shut up or break up.

I would also say anything you tell him will be used against you. And I would also, also say that if you live in a small place everyone- including him, new from day one. He has been storing up stuff to use as a weapon in your marriage.

QueSyrahSyrah · 26/07/2023 10:09

@Solitaryasanoyster No of course there isn't, and I don't think I've said otherwise. I'm not defending him at all. It's never ok to use someone's past as a stick to beat them with, but I do think there are some instances where more questions about a situation (in a non-abusive way) can be justified.

You're absolutely right that if he's not ok with it he should leave; but you can also choose to leave him x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page