Page 2 | Is it his business?

Solitaryasanoyster · 2023-07-22T17:35:38+00:00

My husband is very paranoid and obsessed with my past despite us having been together for 10 years. he is very insecure and wants to know details about past relationships. i refuse to tell him as I say what happened before him is my business alone and not his, but we live in a small village and sometimes people bring up my ‘wild’ past and he wants to know names, dates, etc and when I refuse, he becomes upset and asks why I won’t talk about it. Should I?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/07/2023 19:19

he just says if I loved him I would want to end his pain

Ah, the old emotional manipulation of 'if you loved me.' Tell him if he loved you he'd stop with the (self-inflicted) pain and the pain he's causing you.

You know why he wants all this info, don't you?

Original poster

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 19:31

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:05

Is your husband religious? He may be trying to frame you into the 'whore' category

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Not religious, no, but very insecure.
he did a lot of drugs and drinking in his youth and I swear it’s messed with his brain.
He never felt he was good enough for me and now he has heard whispers of me playing the field and being wild when I was younger, suddenly I’m a Scarlett woman and he is the hero.
just to say, since the day I became pregnant with our first child I have never put a foot wrong. I don’t drink, wouldn’t touch drugs, wouldn’t cheat, rarely go out. He has battled addiction and it’s like he almost enjoys me being the bad guy.
if I bring up his addiction when he comes at me over my past, he basically thinks I have no right to say anything as I made mistakes and experimented when I was younger.
apparently I can’t mention his current drinking or recent drug taking, as I tried drugs 20 years ago?!

OP posts:

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/07/2023 19:32

Further to my prior response, I stand by the fact that anyone who persistently digs into a persons relationship / sexual history generally is totally out of order, but when something 'immoral' as the OP put it comes into it then I think it blurs the lines, and depends what it was.

If a Woman posted here to say she'd found out her DH of 10 years used to be a user of sex-workers and she wasn't comfortable with it and wanted to know when / for how long etc, the answers here would be very different I think.

Original poster

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 19:32

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/07/2023 19:19

he just says if I loved him I would want to end his pain

Ah, the old emotional manipulation of 'if you loved me.' Tell him if he loved you he'd stop with the (self-inflicted) pain and the pain he's causing you.

You know why he wants all this info, don't you?

To use against me?

OP posts:

Original poster

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 19:35

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:12

I agree with porridge, he needs therapy ASAP to address his obsessive jealousy. If he doesn't get it, it will be you in need of therapy if he keeps this up.
Thank you for the link WunWun

I am in therapy and luckily, am quite a strong character and just shut down his constant questions.
I won’t tell him any more info but it’s hard when he tries to use manipulation and emotional blackmail.

OP posts:

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:43

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 19:35

I am in therapy and luckily, am quite a strong character and just shut down his constant questions.
I won’t tell him any more info but it’s hard when he tries to use manipulation and emotional blackmail.

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I'm glad you have the support of a therapist and are strong enough to stand up to him
Try to ignore his tactics, he will hopefully give up when he sees that he cannot wear you down
I wonder if he might have issues or a personality disorder from his background of addiction and now this obsession

Original poster

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 19:44

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:43

I'm glad you have the support of a therapist and are strong enough to stand up to him
Try to ignore his tactics, he will hopefully give up when he sees that he cannot wear you down
I wonder if he might have issues or a personality disorder from his background of addiction and now this obsession

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I have always suspected borderline personality disorder but he absolutely will not ever get help.
he is the most anxious and insecure person I have ever met.

OP posts:

porridgeisbae · 22/07/2023 19:47

@Solitaryasanoyster He doesn't sound pleasant at all. I suggest insisting for the last time that he gets therapy, and if he won't then separate from him (or even, separate from him at least while he gets therapy) because he is abusive in quite a few ways.

TurnerP · 22/07/2023 19:48

Sorry to hear that. That can't be easy to live with. You could try searching for any websites that give advice for partners with BPD, and even leave a DBT leaflet around for him to "find"
Sadly if he cannot recognise that his behaviour is unhealthy, hurtful and continues, then it may be best to look at separating

pikkumyy77 · 22/07/2023 19:52

He didn’t “overcome a lot to be with you!” You “overcame a lot and endured lot” to be the woman you are today. If he doesn’t love who you are right now, admire you, and support you for the total person you are you should bin him. You should NEVER accept a negative valuation like that from your partner.

RandomMess · 22/07/2023 19:54

I don't see how your relationship can continue tbh.

He is doing DARVO instead of addressing his on drinking and recent drug taking. Justifying why he can behave how he likes now.

Thelonelygiraffe · 22/07/2023 22:40

he is the most anxious and insecure person I have ever met.

Why are you still with him?

NotBotheredAnymore · 22/07/2023 23:05

he tells me he has had to overcome a lot to be with me.

I’ve made some awful mistakes in the past, somethings I never told him about and hoped he would never find out but he did and is now using it against me.

Saying I disgust him and why didn’t I reveal these details before we settled down, married and had kids. Had he known these things he wouldn’t have been with me.

he feels I’m a fraud.

An abusive person doesn't have to beat you physically to get you to surrender to them, to give up your self esteem and your confidence. Sometimes you can be beaten mentally and emotionally which is far more insidious and damaging. He's wearing you down so he can beat you some more. You need to find a way to get out, he's not a nice man.

Original poster

Solitaryasanoyster · 23/07/2023 07:15

Thelonelygiraffe · 22/07/2023 22:40

he is the most anxious and insecure person I have ever met.

Why are you still with him?

Because we have 3 kids, a mortgage and I would lose our home if we split as I don’t earn anywhere near enough to cover it. I sacrificed my career when we had kids.
things aren’t always so black and white.

OP posts:

Thelonelygiraffe · 23/07/2023 09:06

I know that things aren't black and white, but he's abusive.

Has he always been like this?

I'd start making plans to leave, no matter how hard it is. Do you have family or friends to confide in?

hev126 · 23/07/2023 09:14

Had he known these things he wouldn’t have been with me. he feels I’m a fraud.*

I'd be telling him it's not too late for him to change his mind.
I'd tell him it's nine if his business, you're not discussing it further and if he's not happy with that he can leave.
He's so jealous, paranoid and insecure that he won't but might be a good way to shut him down

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/07/2023 09:15

Are your children witnessing this? They are going to grow up with terrible views on relationships. If he is like this in front of them and you don't want to leave then I hope you are upfront about their fathers terrible behaviour. Don't let them grow up thinking this is how relationships should be.
Hold your head high with regards to your husband. You have done nothing wrong, he just enjoys having a stick to beat you with. I dont know how you can even look at him tbh. He sounds pathetic.

Devilsmommy · 23/07/2023 09:20

WunWun · 22/07/2023 19:05

This reminds me of that comedian who was charged with domestic abuse who made a book of all his then girlfriends previous encounters with dates etc and used it to psychologically abuse her

Yeah justin lee Collins, what a prick. OP your husband is basically going towards this kind of behaviour, tell him to mind his own or do one

FloweryName · 23/07/2023 09:25

If other people in your community know things about you that your husband doesn’t, that’s going to feel humiliating for him even when ordinarily these things should be none of his business.

Other people bringing it up is the problem. I wouldn’t want to live in a village where other people know more about my partner especially if that partner couldn’t be honest with me.

Theunamedcat · 23/07/2023 09:31

QueSyrahSyrah · 22/07/2023 19:32

Further to my prior response, I stand by the fact that anyone who persistently digs into a persons relationship / sexual history generally is totally out of order, but when something 'immoral' as the OP put it comes into it then I think it blurs the lines, and depends what it was.

If a Woman posted here to say she'd found out her DH of 10 years used to be a user of sex-workers and she wasn't comfortable with it and wanted to know when / for how long etc, the answers here would be very different I think.

Big difference between having sex with various people and experimenting with drugs and using sex workers

BCBird · 23/07/2023 09:33

OP people change. Your 'wild' past is obviously behind u. My brother was the same. Once he became a dad he became respectably sedate. As for your husband,it seems as if he thinks he has the upper hand/ taking the moral high ground. Do not tell him anything u don't want to. Unless it it is something heinous,I don't see why u should say anything.

rainbowlou · 23/07/2023 09:38

Solitaryasanoyster · 22/07/2023 18:56

This is exactly what I say.
but he found out I did something immoral and he is shocked as in his eyes, he just knows me as the person I am now.
he wants names, dates, how long before him etc.’and when I tell him how crazy that is he just says if I loved him I would want to end his pain and he has a right to know everyone I’ve slept with!

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He sounds like my ex, if you told him you’ve slept with 2 people he won’t believe you, if you tell him it’s 100 he either won’t believe you or call you names.
Honestly, abusive controlling people like this just get worse.

BackAgainstWall · 23/07/2023 10:20

How on earth could anyone reason with such a demented and extreme hypocrite.

Like someone else said, if you did disclose details, he would most definitely use it against you and use it as a stick to beat you with even more.

notacooldad · 23/07/2023 10:36

If other people in your community know things about you that your husband doesn’t, that’s going to feel humiliating for him even when ordinarily these things should be none of his business.

Other people bringing it up is the problem. I wouldn’t want to live in a village where other people know more about my partner especially if that partner couldn’t be honest with me.
We lived in a village where I grew up. Most young people,me included did wild things because there wasn't much else to do!! ( well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!🤣)

However we all matured and grew up.Dh was the outsider. No one said a word about anything. Why would they?Everyone had moved on and everyone had their own skeletons they probably wanted to be kept quiet.
One night though, about 5 years ago, me and my mate got pissed after not seeing each other for ages and also not drinking. DH came to pick me up and me and her were reminiscing with stories of ' oh god, do you remember when....'
I forgot that dh didn't know these stories. His attitude was " hey this was all before my time!!'
In other words, the past wasn't any of his business nor did it concern him.
However Dh is a secure loving person who lives and loves in the present and doesn't have a metaphorical sword dangling over my head.
If a one did say anything I would totally own my behaviour and say ' so what?'
Op I it sounds like you cower to him. Honestly I would stand up and start being assertive and say call his bluff a d say " you think I'm a fraud? OK, what are you going to do about it. Leave? Go on then Fuck off. Stay? Stfu then because I've had enough of your picking controlling behaviour.' I'd also say that he was lucky to have me but I that's not good enough then go because I'm not putting up with this for the rest of my days.

Do you seriously want your head pecked for thre rest of your life?

he is the most anxious and insecure person I have ever met.
Insecure and anxious my arse!
Abusive and controlling more like it.
Even if he is anxious and insecure do you want to love like that forever. It sounds utterly joyless.

QueSyrahSyrah · 23/07/2023 12:38

@Theunamedcat obviously, but we don't know what it is that the OP is talking about, aside from it's (in her words) immoral.

but he found out I did something immoral and he is shocked as in his eyes, he just knows me as the person I am now.

He's got no business knowing or asking about the amount of partners or sex that she had in the past, but if she's done something that would be an absolute dealbreaker for many (like using sex workers would be) and he's only finding out now, then I can see how it'd cause a problem.

I'm not saying he's not a twat because he sounds like he is, but he can be a twat AND be shocked by something he's just learnt about his spouse.