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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband socialising 37 weeks pregnant

72 replies

FirsttimemummyLDN · 21/07/2023 22:49

I’m trying to figure out if I’m being an emotional mess or my husband is useless and I’ve made mistake here.
I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant, my husband is very sociable, so was I but I’m tired and want to be near home.
He keeps going out after work, or meeting friends and I keep asking him to not drink too much or stay out late. Problem is, he does both EVERY time, for example tonight, said he was just going for 1 or 2, it’s now nearly 11 and he still isn’t home, when I message he says he’s heading home but clearly isn’t. I text asking him to be sensible and I just feel like I’m nagging him, I’m sick of this.
Am I being an emotional mess and unreasonable?
We also have a scan at 9am tomorrow and know he will be hungover!

OP posts:

Temporaryname158 · 21/07/2023 22:51

He is being a dick!

if he’s hung over he certainly can’t drive, what if you go into labour? He’s absolutely presuming you’ll drive to the scan tomorrow. Go to sleep now yourself so you get some rest and insist on catching the bus tomorrow to make it harder for him with his hangover. Refuse to drive.

you need to have words otherwise this will continue when baby is here too and you will literally be left holding the baby whilst he carries on the life of Riley!

Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 22:52

No I’d be pissed off. Baby coudl come any day now and he’d be useless if half cut.
I told my partner I didn’t want him drinking from about 36 weeks in case something happened. The odd night here and there is he checked in with my first was ok.
serious chat in the morning laying down some ground rules in my opinion

GetInTheBinThenGetInTheSea · 21/07/2023 22:53

It depends how often you're talking about. A few times a week, I'd be fuming. Once a month, I wouldn't be bothered.

Tibba · 21/07/2023 22:56

You sound quite over-anxious to me — I was out all the time at 37 weeks because I knew it was my last taste of freedom for a while, and I had to go on maternity leave at 36 weeks because I couldn’t fly any more. So perhaps your husband feels as I did?

But you are who you are, obviously, and if he can’t hold his drink, that’s pretty unattractive.

Original poster

FirsttimemummyLDN · 21/07/2023 23:03

Thanks, I feel like I’m not being totally crazy and hormonal! It’s probably 2, maybe 3 times a week but I just feel like I’m his bloody mum telling him not to stay out too late, or get too drunk! I just feel on edge anytime he says he is meeting anyone or going to the office as I know that probably means getting hammered and staying out late meaning he will wake me up when he comes in!
I know he gets bored at home but to be honest so do I, I just don’t really have an option to be in the pub til midnight because we both wanted a baby!
Every time I talk to him about it, he acknowledges I am right, says he will do better but nothing changes. I think the chat tomorrow needs to be more serious, I can’t continue like this.

OP posts:

idontknow54789 · 21/07/2023 23:04

Not great if you have a scan but how afternoon are you talking? At 37 weeks you're still a bit off it being imminent. It could be his last chance for a while. If it's all the time then YANBU but if it's a one off I'd let it go for now.

Original poster

FirsttimemummyLDN · 21/07/2023 23:31

So he’s just walked through the door, steaming and been sick in the bathroom, including on the floor. He keeps saying sorry and just to leave him to it. I’ve got him on the sofa with a bucket and some water.
I just don’t know if I see this behaviour changing and it worries me

OP posts:

Hibiscrubbed · 21/07/2023 23:31

He’s getting wasted and waking you up late at night three times a week? He’s a selfish prick.

Will he change? I’d hope so but his total disregard for his to-term pregnant wife is shocking, so I doubt it.

Tibba · 21/07/2023 23:33

FirsttimemummyLDN · 21/07/2023 23:31

Ok, that’s completely different, if he can’t control his drinking and regularly comes home reeling and vomiting. Most worrying. How long has this been happening.?

QuinnofHearts · 21/07/2023 23:33

FirsttimemummyLDN · 21/07/2023 23:31

He's going to be a father anyday now. Tel him to grow the fuck up, and go to the scan alone tomorrow. Take yourself out for coffee and cake afterwards, and then treat yourself to some baby clothes.

What an embarrassment.

Notmineagain · 21/07/2023 23:33

You do know you are going to be left doing all the baby stuff don't you??

Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 23:34

Leave him on the sofa. Go to bed. Get up in the morning and perhaps leave him a note saying you’re not prepared to accept this behaviour.
go out tomorrow and pamper yourself.

QuinnofHearts · 21/07/2023 23:41

Notmineagain · 21/07/2023 23:33

You do know you are going to be left doing all the baby stuff don't you??

She doesn't need to hear this right now.

Temporaryname158 · 21/07/2023 23:46

I agree, do not wake him for the scan in the morning. Go without him.

if he’s sad he missed it have a serious talk about your expectations and mean what you say. Put some firm boundaries in place

if he doesn’t seem to care leave him now and save a lot of heartache

and whatever you do don’t clean up the sick. Leave that to him!

(And consider telling your midwife about this. What if he came home drunk and didn’t know baby was in the bed/ went and picked baby up. He’s a risk)

Original poster

FirsttimemummyLDN · 21/07/2023 23:47

Thanks for the replies. I definitely feel less like it’s me being a hormonal monster, there is a problem here.
I’m going to have a serious conversation with him in the morning, will see what state he’s into see if he comes to the scan or not. I don’t want him there if he is hanging but equally it’s his child and if they say anything medical the support would be helpful.
Ergh gonna try and get some sleep!

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 21/07/2023 23:49

I was out myself at that stage yes I know not all women are able to, but what was the point of us sitting at home twiddling our thumbs just waiting?

Original poster

FirsttimemummyLDN · 21/07/2023 23:53

To be clear, I’m not talking about sitting at home all the time, waiting. That is not currently my life, or something I think is healthy. I enjoy going out. I’m talking about ensuring we are rested enough and that he is not drunk or super hungover all the time as we head towards a more likely date when the baby will come.

OP posts:

fitmum4 · 21/07/2023 23:58

It's terrible to be coming home in that state. I personally wouldn't be waking him up for the scan. As pp said go alone and then treat yourself after.

Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 23:58

Yeah not sure why @WandaWonder thinks you should be sat around doing f all.
think its more than fair to not want partner to be passed out puking on the sofa when anxious about impending delivery

Northernsouloldies · 22/07/2023 05:43

Notmineagain · 21/07/2023 23:33

You do know you are going to be left doing all the baby stuff don't you??

Exactly in bucket loads, if its boring now coming home after work wait for the excuses once baby arrives.

bozzabollix · 22/07/2023 05:51

My daughter had to be born very early so had a two week hospital stay. Many of the babies in that unit had spontaneously been born very early. So those saying it’s not time yet, it could very easily be time and the baby would be classed as full term at that age.

OP, I’d hit the roof, you could go into labour and you need your useless twat of a husband to be of some use, not puking in a toilet. I hope this is him just being fearful of what’s about to happen, not a pattern of what he’s intending to do when the baby is actually here.

Your expectations are not unreasonable at all.

Northernsouloldies · 22/07/2023 05:52

Sorry op, on reflection my post could be construed as insensitive given your current situation. That definitely wasn't my intention and genuinely hope you get this awful situation resolved.

skulldungarees · 22/07/2023 05:59

Not being unreasonable at all. I asked my husband to stop having more than 2 drinks/enough to be over the drink drive limit a month before my due date.

He did have one night where he ended up having more. We had a chat in the morning about it not being ok as I could go into labour any time and needed his support. He understood and was apologetic.

I did end up going into labour in week 38, so was glad I'd asked him to do this. Frankly it was the least he could do while I was exhausted and in pain.

Codlingmoths · 22/07/2023 06:07

I wouldn’t let him come to the scan. He’s not going to be supportive is he? Just bus or taxi or drive yourself if you’re up to that, but this would be step 1 in you change or our child’s life will proceed without you in it.

PostOpOp · 22/07/2023 06:21

I'm sorry OP.

I think you shouldn't talk to him this morning when he's hungover.

Don't wake him up either. Get ready for the scan and go. If he wakes up in time, he comes, if not, he doesn't. He's going to be a father very soon and it's not up to you to teach or mother him into it. Who is teaching you to be a responsible adult/parent-to-be? He needs to take responsibility for himself. It's his responsibility to get himself ready and be present at his baby's scan.

If he misses it then that's sad. But it's not like him being drunk or badly hungover while you're in labour. And you have spoken to him already, he's not listening. You need him to hear you, so don't say one thing with your words and then do other things with your actions. If you don't want to mother him, don't and don't be allowing yourself to be in a position where you feel guilty for not treating him like a teenager!

I'm not blaming you at all btw! I've been there myself. I know many women who have been too. We want to make it good for him them, we want to make sure they're on time for baby's appointments or school plays, parents evenings, birthday parties, dinner etc. The emotional labour is HUGE. But you don't need to sign up for it. You're not being unkind by not either. He's an adult, it's his job to take responsibility for his actions and not have you softening the blow of his actions/inactions.

So don't talk this morning, see if he comes. If there's medical news then call him. If he's angry at you for not waking him up, or says you're excluding him, then don't take it. It's basically DARVO because what he should be doing is apologising to you and being angry at himself for not getting himself up and ready.

Have a think too about a backup plan for if you go into labour and he's very drunk. Would you want him at the hospital with you (you certainly don't need a vomiting drunk there!) or is there someone else who could be with you? Who could drive you there?

Then this afternoon talk about it and don't give big explanations. Be to the point and businesslike. Tell him you'd have gone without him and that from now on he takes 100% of his responsibilities, because you have enough to do without him adding to them. Tell him you're going to ask X to be a backup because you need to know that you're not going to be alone, but you really really hope that he'll be there for you and the baby.

As an aside, if he's drinking that much that often, he's got an alcohol problem and long term you need to make sure you have options for you and the baby if it continues.

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