Thanks @CatsSnore .
I made a complaint almost a year ago. Ignored and fobbed off at stage 1. Escalated to stage 2, a year later they have finally appointed investigatirs but are trying to limit the scope of what can be investigated and interfere with the investigation process. Thank you for the suggestion to flag it to the head of services: I'll do that. I think it's time it went to the Ombudsman too. I just don't know if there's any point me wasting further time on it at all, given they seem hell bent on not doing their job: even if directed to by the ombudsman I presume they'd find another way to try to obsfucate and weasel out of what they're meant to be doing or water it down to a point where it's useless, so I'm torn between fighting it on principle, and self-preservation by simply cutting off any current or future engagement with them whatsoever since their involvement causes me stress and hassle but has no positive effect for the children.
I am so sorry to hear that your childhood was also so horrific. And I totally agree that primarily the responsibility lies with parents. However, the healthy way to deal with that, for me, was to cut all contact with my parents. So I think if social services also subject me to gaslighting and stress for no reason then a similar approach is going to be the only way forward. For the people who were meant to help children like you and me to pile more trauma on top, it's just unacceptable. And it doesn't have to be this way, it is a choice. In some countries children's services function. Children are not left to be abused (I mean, some mistakes will always occur but here they leave kids with abusive parents knowing it is happening). And in many other countries children have good lives in care, and comparable outcomes to those in normal families. There is no excuse for these failures IMO.
In the case of my children, they have a responsible parent trying to help them and get the support they are entitled to, and I am then told it's unreasonable to expect the service to provide it! And in the case of my childhood and yours, yes the parents created that those situations. But this is (purportedly) why social services exists: to step in when parents fail (or there are additional needs due to disability etc that parents as individuals could never realistically meet alone, like with my kids). And this is their actual paid job, that we are taxed to pay them for! It really makes me livid that they take the money to provide it centrally then just don't bother, so you can neither pay for it yourself for your children because social services have got the money, or access the service you have paid for. It is hard not to be furious at the sheer level of incompetence and gaslighting.
I just don't know what to do for the best now, with a stark choice I need to make for my and my children's sakes: to fight them for potentially years to the full extent of the law to try to ensure every single failure they've made is addressed, for the sake of future kids, or to be selfish and cut my losses and tell them to fuck off and never contact me again about anything.