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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I stop obsessing over his affair

71 replies

Fannyadam · 20/07/2023 22:54

My husband admitted this year that he was unfaithful years ago. I had to decide, we carried on or I ended it. For clarification, we have been getting on really well in the time between the cheating and him telling me, it was a one off and I do love him.

So, 7 months down the line, I'm trying my hardest to make our marriage work, he's being attentive, loving, but I can't stop obsessing over him with someone else.

Has anyone else been in this situation?:how long did it take?

Please don't be judgey, nasty, I'm feeling incredibly fragile right now

OP posts:

TOclock · 20/07/2023 22:59

Sorry you are going through this. What prompted him to admit to his affair after all this time?

RandomMess · 20/07/2023 23:02

That's very rough.

He didn't think about you in this confession.

Have you had therapy?

Betrayal of any sort takes a long time to come to terms with and then move on from.

Original poster

Fannyadam · 20/07/2023 23:03

We had a massive argument one night I suspected something had happened years ago I suppose I wore him down and he finally told me, he was very sorry, very embarrassed. I just can't rap my head around it

OP posts:

DidyouNO · 20/07/2023 23:03

I stayed for 12 years trying to get passed it. It wasn't something I could do and finally realised it's not something to 'get passed' it was broken trust and that, for me, never came back. I just didn't love him like I used to because he'd done that intentionally. He didn't love me or respect me right. How do you move on? I couldn't.

Qbish · 20/07/2023 23:04

OP, you need therapy for yourself, and you need couples therapy together. You shouldn't have to bear this on your own.

Original poster

Fannyadam · 20/07/2023 23:05

I haven't had therapy I suppose I think it's silly to seek help for that when others are suffering for much worse reasons

OP posts:

Original poster

Fannyadam · 20/07/2023 23:07

That's exactly how I feel now that I feel so different about him, I don't want to but I do. I feel so pathetic

OP posts:

Followwill · 20/07/2023 23:07

I think it takes a very strong person to forgive an affair. To be fair, from what you've described it sounds like things weren't actually that good between the affair and now if you had doubts and were arguing about it. And for him to only confess under duress from you.

You made the choice to stay and forgive but you are always allowed to change your mind any time you want. It sounds like while you want to forgive and forget, you cannot. And that is OK.

I'm recently separated from my husband. It's scary. But honestly with hindsight, we should have done this sooner.

Lavender14 · 20/07/2023 23:09

I'm so sorry you're going through this op.

I had this with my ex. We limped on for 2 years after but I never trusted him again really and ultimately it never really recovered. Looking back I wish I'd just let it go and realised that I didn't owe it to anyone to try and make it work because he'd already broken it. Obviously that's my experience, but it depends on the individual situation and what you feel is manageable for you and how you're both working to rebuild the trust because while he's the one who's F-ed up you're unfortunately left dealing with the mess just as much as he is. I'd suggest going for counselling separately and together to see what you individually need and what you need from each other. But do know that if you can't do this, and it's not working then you've tried more than a lot of people would and that's no reflection on you in any way. You deserve to be happy and secure so if you think you can get back to that place then great, but if not then it's OK to accept that you deserve to find that with someone else too. I agree with pps if it was a genuine one off then tbh he's told you for him because he didn't want to live with the guilt rather than personally striving to do better in future.

Original poster

Fannyadam · 20/07/2023 23:10

Are you glad you decided to leave ? I don't know what the hell to do, I'm such a mess. Your evaluation of me is bang on, maybe it wasn't great.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 20/07/2023 23:14

I don’t think you can right now. 7 months isn’t long to adjust to the fact that he isn’t the partner you thought he was and you don’t have the relationship you thought you had.

Everything’s changed. You might get over it in time, you might not. But don’t beat yourself up because you’re not over it yet.

Some individual counselling, if you can afford it, might be very helpful to talk and think this through.

Allmyghosts · 20/07/2023 23:15

I think you just see them as the self interested weak people they are after. I find cheating almost understandable, but why pretend to be something you are not, it's the lifting of the veil that is not gettable past, imo anyway. They portrayed themselves one way, actions showed the reality.

All the lies and denial is the most damaging.

Daftasabroom · 20/07/2023 23:16

@Fannyadam been there.

I had to end it. My paranoia and lack of trust was destroying both of us, but especially me.

Maybe it would happen again, maybe it wouldn't. No relationship can survive without trust.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, sorry.

GLC789 · 20/07/2023 23:17

So sorry to hear you're going through this.

If forgiving him is something you really want, do not feel like you cannot reach out for help in the form of counselling. Both for you alone, and as a couple.

Marriage is hard work sometimes and mistakes happen, granted, an affair is a pretty darn big one!

My dad had an affair. My mother forgave him after a few month apart and after some time and a proper commitment to each other, I'm happy to say they are still going strong decades later. It wasn't easy for a year or so, but it has paid off! Proof, that it can be done, with equal commitment. Even though he was the one who made the mistake, the effort to get get through it is a joint thing, as a marriage should be.

I really hope you guys can work it out as its clear from your post you want this to work. But, don't be too hard on yourself, you're allowed to have a wobble, you're allowed to be angry and if in time you know in your heart that it's not going to fix, then walk away.

It sounds like you're not ready to give up just yet though. Good luck to you. I hope your husband realises how lucky he is to have you, even if he missed the memo in the past! X

unsync · 20/07/2023 23:27

If you want to move forward, you should probably seek professional help. Otherwise you'll just go round in circles. It's not silly to seek help. You are suffering. Why do you think you don't deserve help?

coodawoodashooda · 20/07/2023 23:30

Its hard being alone. Not as hard as being lonely in company. You don't have to trust him again.

SleepPrettyDarling · 20/07/2023 23:35

I strongly recommend you go to talk to someone on your own about this. Is this the first time you have told anyone? Bottling it up is dreadfully corrosive and having a safe space to talk through your feelings at least will help you to articulate what’s going on in your head. That’s the first step - understanding your feelings, and allowing yourself the time and space to say them out loud. It is most definitely worth your while, and you do not have to feel unimportant having these feelings.

DidyouNO · 20/07/2023 23:38

Fannyadam · 20/07/2023 23:10

Are you glad you decided to leave ? I don't know what the hell to do, I'm such a mess. Your evaluation of me is bang on, maybe it wasn't great.

Personally. Absolutely! I was so scared to leave but one day I just thought I want to be happy. Completely happy not just 'happy today'. Not just 'today I can deal with it'. Happy every day without wondering, watching, checking. Just happy. Like I used to be. I resented him by the end and I'm remarried now and so, so happy. Unbelievably my ex and I have a great friendship now. But I'm glad I left. Given my time again I'd leave immediately.

Commentsonly · 20/07/2023 23:52

Even after 4 years I could not forgive him and chose to end it. Not just because of the cheating but also other issues… and whenever anything happened I would remember the infidelity. It was like a bad seed that was planted that just grew and rotted away at the relationship slowly. I could never trust them and then I realise I deserve better.

it takes a big person to forgive an affair. And I’m just not that big a person.

Followwill · 20/07/2023 23:55

Fannyadam · 20/07/2023 23:10

Are you glad you decided to leave ? I don't know what the hell to do, I'm such a mess. Your evaluation of me is bang on, maybe it wasn't great.

Not sure if this was for me or @Lavender14. But yes I am glad I have decided to end my relationship with husband. There was no confirmed infidelity but I was like you and had my doubts from a few years ago. It got to the point where even if he was unfaithful, I didn't really care. Because he had still been withdrawn and distant. Still didn't treat me how I wanted. We still didn't get on. We still argued constantly. So it needed to end.

I'm sad for the good times. But the reality is that I don't notice my husband is gone a lot of the time. Which just shows how hollow our relationship was.

Jonti23 · 20/07/2023 23:55

You don’t need a therapist because it’s yr relationship you’re trying to fix and not you. You need to get away from focusing on him so get busy as busy as you can it helps. Then you will have periods when you want to divorce him and periods when you could not give a shit. You also have to talk it out till it bores you literally tell him he’s an entitled shit, tell him he does but deserve you, tell him he’s a massive fuckhead gaslighter. Don’t think of future at all. Live in the moment. If it all goes to shit eventually you’ve got many months and years in which he’ll have to halve his assets and pension with you. Trust me he would not be investing in you if he had much intention of sharing these. Realise that people are inately selfish and he’s just been a great teacher of that. Most importantly love your life and show a semi interest in his, as much as he deserves of your attention. Reconnect with friends family etc, make sure he sees you happy and not giving a fuck about his sad little duck treat. It gets better at 2 yrs then better and better with each week. If you have kids it’s better already from day 1 of you staying together. Step parent abuse is 100x that if a birth parent. Yr sadness will go away and trust me you don’t want to inflict that sadness into Yr kids if you have them, they don’t have to suffer for someone’s utter selfishness. Neither do you, so fill yr life with catch ups, classes, family, he’s there but more in a sevens class role of provider that’s not really up to standard. Though with time you may share your space with him too. When the time is right.

purpleandpurple · 21/07/2023 00:02

Fannyadam · 20/07/2023 23:05

I haven't had therapy I suppose I think it's silly to seek help for that when others are suffering for much worse reasons

It isn’t silly to ask for help.
You are trying to deal with all your thoughts on your own and it isn’t working.
Nothing wrong with asking for help.

MgW1 · 21/07/2023 03:11

I havent been in this situation but I know that people have affairs for different reasons. Just a few things to think about though here ;
You are still upset and struggling to move on after 7 months so will you be feeling same in another 7 months or 7 years ?
Do you call it a day ?
Why has he brought it up now ? Someone mentioned gas lighting ... Does he bring stuff up for a reaction ?
What was happening at the time of the affair ? Were you happy at the time ?
He's obviously been carrying this guilt around with him to inform you now ? Surely if he didn't feel guilty he would have let it go after all this time?
There is so much to think about and make sense of, I do feel though if you are still struggling after 7 months then it may suggest that you won't ever be able to overcome it though Hun ...I hope you can resolve this and either move on or work it out with him soon.

MsDogLady · 21/07/2023 06:19

@Fannyadam, I’m sorry that you’ve had such a devastating blow.

Has your H told you the full story of his infidelity so that you know exactly what you’re attempting to forgive, including:
*extent of involvement
*complete timeline
*how he gave himself permission to cheat, including his character weaknesses that enabled him
*what he told OW about you/your relationship/the children
*what promises he made to OW
*how the affair ended

Relationship counselors estimate that recovery after infidelity can take 2-5 years, and that is with a remorseful, transparent cheater who takes full responsibility and gives 100% to restoring trust.

You’re understandably stuck and suffering. I too advise you to seek the support of IC to express your feelings, organize your thoughts, and navigate the grieving process as you make decisions. I would also require your H to access IC to investigate his selfishness and sense of entitlement that allowed him to choose infidelity and deceive you for all these years.

Keep posting for support, @Fannyadam.

millymollymoomoo · 21/07/2023 07:02

Was it a one off ons or a one off affair ? Neither are great but the former I think would be easier to forgive ( personally )

trust still needs to be rebuilt and that takes time but for me there is a difference.

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