How do I stop obsessing over his affair

[Fannyadam]

My husband admitted this year that he was unfaithful years ago. I had to decide, we carried on or I ended it. For clarification, we have been getting on really well in the time between the cheating and him telling me, it was a one off and I do love him.

So, 7 months down the line, I'm trying my hardest to make our marriage work, he's being attentive, loving, but I can't stop obsessing over him with someone else.

Has anyone else been in this situation?:how long did it take?

Please don't be judgey, nasty, I'm feeling incredibly fragile right now

Better reasons? You’ve suffered one of the worst betrayals a person can experience in life. I’d suggest the website Surviving Infidelity, it has many resources and helpful forums full of very kind and knowledgable people. I think it’s very important that you process this properly in therapy. Surviving Infidelity would strongly recommend separate therapy for both you and your husband, alongside marriage counselling. It’s serious work to reconcile, you can’t rugsweep this.

The only person I know who achieved this successfully (eg without basically staying but hating him forever) had couples counselling for a long time. I don't think individual is enough if you want to rebuild trust.

Sorry you've had to deal with this OP.

I think for me, it would depend a lot on context as to how hard I tried to get the relationship back on track. Do you have children? Do you want to have children? How old are you?

If I was late 20s/ early 30s with no children I'd walk away. If we had children together, I would want to try a few things, including couples counselling, even just for my own peace of mind.

Good luck

Firstly, thank you all for the lovely messages, I truly expected some nasty comments. Reaching out was incredibly hard I'm very hurt and sad right now to answer some of your questions.

He says it was 3 times with the same person over a period of a 2 months.

She was someone he'd met whilst working at a bar, so didn't know her that well, yes she was stunning, thin, everything I think I'm not.

He says we were going through a bad patch, kids, house, work all causing strain, she made him feel wanted.

I new he'd bees talking to someone back then and he always maintained it stopped at that, then years later, I suppose I was like a dog with a bone and wouldn't leave it alone.

Again thanks for the decency I very much appreciate it. I'm glad I reached out.

One thing that has struck me from one of the posters above. They are now not who u thought they were.

my husband is my world. I love him so so much. He keeps me safe he makes me laugh and we have great sex still after being together for over 20 years.

if he had an affair and did what he does with me to someone else the bottom of my world would fall out. He wouldn’t be the man I thought he was and that would change everything for me. I’m sorry I wouldn’t and don’t think I could ever forgive him. I would always see him differently. And he wasn’t the man I fell in love with.

You aren’t trying to just get over an affair years ago though are you?

And I don’t mean that you aren’t trying. But it’s not just an affair.

Its the fact that while you were having a bad time, he was investing physical and emotionally energy in another woman.

Its the fact that when you had kids and other stresses, he decided the way to deal with that by shagging someone else

He then, for years, tried to make out you were wrong. It was in your head. He put you in a position where you had to wear him down to he the Ruth.

It’s that for years, he has known something that would fundamentally change how you see him and didn’t tell you to protect himself, leaving you in limbo. Knowing something had gone on, but never getting closure.

He didn’t respect you enough to admit what he did and let you decide wether you wanted to stay in the relationship.

It’s that, if things get tough again, you can’t trust him to support you. Work with you. You will be wondering if he will deal with it by shagging someone else.

It’s that you know you have had a good relationship between the cheating and now. But if it had, had a rough patch. Would he have cheated again?

Cheating is far more than just sex. The fallout and implications are far reaching it’s impacts everything. I think cheating then lying for years when a partner knows you cheated is abusive.

Most cheating is abusive imo. It involves depriving your partner of your resources. As in emotional energy, physical energy. A person cheating often checks out at home and leaves their partner feeling isolated and it hurts them. It includes lying. It includes changing the foundation of the relationship but keeping the other person in the dark to the landscape.

Lying for years when your partner keeps pushing for the truth is definitely abusive. Seeing your partner hurting because they know something happened and lying to their face and making them think it’s in their head, is abusive.

Op it’s not just the sex. There’s a huge amount for you to work through.

Yes, reading your last comment, I would be planning to leave the relationship because of the lies, rather than the affair.

This hits the nail on the head.

It is possible (I have been in your situation, albeit in different circumstances) but it requires a lot of work, both individually and together. I couldn’t have done it without the help of a therapist. I’d also recommend looking at the /asoneafterinfidelity subreddit - it’s incredibly helpful and supportive.

Hi @Fannyadam , sorry to read about your situation. I haven’t got much time now but didn’t want to ignore. I think it’s normal and expected to be obsessive, you’re going through a traumatic event. I feel the same, I wish there was an easy answer.
Look after yourself. I will check back in later when I have more time. X

I found my stbxh on a dating website, never found out if he had actually met up with anybody but it was enough to completely destroy any trust I had in him. I went back and forth over the past year and it has been agony. I became somebody I hated - controlling, suspicious, insecure, angry, resentful and now it is all my fault for being horrid to him and ending it. My ex said it was my fault because I wasn't giving him enough attention and so I was constantly on alert when things were not so good that he would do this again and it would be my fault again. It is no way to live and you will see the relationship through a different set of eyes now, gone is the stability of trust. Only you can decide if the marriage is worth saving and the feeling of insecurity.

Contrary to not being a ‘big’ person, quite frankly it takes more strength and courage to leave and face the unknown. It is not some noble and self sacrificing act to ‘forgive’ an affair.

personally I couldn’t do it!

The affair might have happened years ago but you have only just found out about it, so to you it's very new and as if it only happened recently.

You're not pathetic. You're having a totally normal reaction.

Would counselling help?

You don't have to stay with your h.

Seven months is no time at all. If you want to stay with him you just need to accept that it will take time.

Completely agree with the PP that said it's abusive.

I ended a 12 year relationship two years ago. I knew within the first year of getting together that he had cheated on me with his ex. He denied and denied, I tried to stop my constant, intrusive thoughts about it. I kept asking, begging him to tell me the truth and he kept up with the lies for months. It drove me to the brink of insanity.

He finally confessed and my initial reaction was relief- relief that I wasn't actually crazy. Then anger- no, rage at what he had done and that he had stood by and watched me crack up essentially. The man that claimed to love me had allowed me to question and doubt myself, to live in near constant inner conflict and turmoil, to protect himself. For that I despised him.

But unfortunately, I also loved him and we stayed together for 11 more years. Those years were interspersed with tines of love, but what happened had really changed me and I hated who I had become. I was once a compassionate, loving, patient little free spirit but was now an angry, suspicious, nasty little thing. I tried so, so hard to forgive him and at times, sometimes for weeks I wouldn't ruminate on what he had done, but ultimately those horrid mental images of him with her came flooding back.

The best thing we ever did was break up. I'm pretty much back to myself now, though understandably somewhat damaged by the experience. It's so lovely being able to just live life without constantly wondering, worrying about what he's up to. I can concentrate fully on work and my kids, on films, my friends etc without that horrid sense of dread that comes when you suddenly remember what they did after forgetting it for a while.

Should have left sooner, preferably the moment I found out but there we go. I loved him and wanted to make it work so bad but the hurt, the sense of betrayal, powerlessness, the anger just would not go away no matter how hard I tried. I would be out of there immediately now at the smallest hint of cheating tbh, it's just not worth the emotional turmoil.

OP I found out my exh cheated on me and I booted him out. It still damaged me though. I used to be carefree but after I became suspicious. I'm in a new relationship and remarried for 17 years but still I'm not the carefree person I was.

OP I am so sorry you are hurting, I feel like this is even harder to process than him having had the affair now and you finding out, because he has lied to you for so long. You had a gut feeling and I think you knew deep down, hence how you found out, as you needed to know the truth.

So you have had years of doubting him, and him lying to you.
Now, you know the truth (or some of it, as it is very possible he has not told you everything) so this is now new trauma which you need to process.

I have been where you are. I just knew and he denied it for a long time. Eventually I found out (not via him telling me either), and then my world fell apart as I now had the evidence. The thing that I found so fucking unfair is that I was just carrying on life as normal, trying to just get by, do right by everyone, then he comes along and destroyed my life forcing me to make the decision of how to move on. I think this is the part which I still cannot get over, the fact that his selfish behaviour caused ME to have to decide how to move forward. It would then be me telling him to leave, which destroys my dc lives, uprooting my home etc etc. So, I decided that we should try to make it work. I (is in only me) tried, for 6 years I tried. I cannot say that he tried just as much as he would not tell me the things I needed to know, I needed the info as the trust was gone. It just because too much after these years, and we are now divorced. But I see now that those 6 years of me trying, actually affected me in such a negative way. I had a breakdown, was admitted to the psych ward, was on medication etc etc. It just fucks with your head.

If I knew then what I knew now, I would have told him to leave there and then on finding out, so that I could properly decide how to move on without his pleading and sorrys in my face constantly. Which then turned to anger from his side as to being questioned often.

But every situation is different, I do get that. I do know a couple who have stayed together, but I do not know if they have the same deep rooted trust issues that I had.

It is just the unfairness of you now having to make some sort of decision, due to his behaviour.

You need time. Perhaps ask him to move out for a trial separation. Again, fucking unfair that its destroying your life, but you need space away from him to come to any sort of decision. 7 months is not a long time. The affair I am talking about happened 12 years ago, I have been divorced for years as well, but as you can tell by how emotive this post is, I don't think I will ever truly get over it. It is the lies more than anything else that did the most damage imo.

And yes, take his credit card and book yourself some therapy. On your own, most definitely not couples sessions.

I can relate to every single word you posted @Tiny2018

It is quite something when you look back and see how we changed and tried to adapt to the trauma (because I don't care what anyone says, it is a trauma), when in fact, we were just surviving.

OP, we are way down the line from where you are now. I do not wish what you are going through now on my worst enemy. But, either way you will get through this. But you need to look out for YOU now. Fuck him and what he wants. He did this to you and your family.

I think it takes a very strong person to forgive an affair.

That's a fallacy.

It takes a particular type of person to forgive an affair.

A particular type of person won't forgive one.

Take first person is not "strong" and the second 'weak".

It often takes a lot more strength to end a marriage or ltr over an affair than to stay on the established setup.

Saying someone is strong for forgiving implies they are not for not forgiving, very shitty thing to be saying to someone struggling with it.

I'd actually say the opposite.

Oh and don't forgot than forgiveness is separate from staying in the relationship. Someone can forgive, without staying in the marriage/relationship. They can still see that it's best for them to separate and move on.

@Fannyadam - you’ve had great advice above. I have a slightly different question. Why did you think you would be given a hard time when you posted? Why do you think you don’t deserve therapy? I’ve had it plenty of times. It never occurred to me to think my wounds and I were not serious enough to warrant therapy. @Wheretostartstitching‘s amazing post has nailed all the issues you’re facing. But what strikes me is that you seem to have learnt along the way that your feelings aren’t valid and that you’re not important enough to receive support. Those things aren’t true but who taught you that they were?

My ex said it was my fault because I wasn't giving him enough attention and so I was constantly on alert when things were not so good that he would do this again and it would be my fault again

Cheater script 101.

I wonder will the earth stop if a cheater ever says straight - I had the opportunity to fuck another woman and I "couldn't" turn it down. I think with my little head. I thought I'd be unlikely to get caught but even if I did get caught, some low level part of my brain weighed it up and decided it was worth it, worth taking the risk.

Whatever you decide think to your own happiness. Don’t dwell on how bad he feels it’s irrelevant it’s how you feel that matters.

I know I could never forgive, I’m a very black and white personality type though.

I think therapy is a good idea, good luck.

He is a weak man and he will do it again when the going gets tough

I would leave him

The cheating is selfishness, and the manipulations when caught in order to not to get dumped, not to lose anything etc.. are selfishness. They don't think about or care what effect those excuses & manipulations have on their partner, as long as it gets them off the hook.

The consistent overarching character trait is selfishness ..... That's what worth keeping foremost in your mind when you're considering trying to stay with a cheater.

Agree with this. I think you're unlikely to move past this without therapy for you both, OP.