How do I stop obsessing over his affair

[Fannyadam]

My husband admitted this year that he was unfaithful years ago. I had to decide, we carried on or I ended it. For clarification, we have been getting on really well in the time between the cheating and him telling me, it was a one off and I do love him.

So, 7 months down the line, I'm trying my hardest to make our marriage work, he's being attentive, loving, but I can't stop obsessing over him with someone else.

Has anyone else been in this situation?:how long did it take?

Please don't be judgey, nasty, I'm feeling incredibly fragile right now

Most people can’t and don’t forgive an affair. Why do you think you should be able to get over it and carry on with your marriage? Pretty much everyone would dump him.

OP I recommend going on the website surviving infidelity. The initial gut reaction of hearing someone has cheated on their spouse is that the betrayed spouse should leave but its not always that easy as the betrayed. It is traumatic and can actually result in ptsd. You will be in a grief cycle for the relationship you had. You do not have to make a decision to stay or go right now, that can be made once you are healed. Know that you make a choice each day to stay or go once you commit to someone and going is no failure. Your previous relationship was not a failure. It ended badly but the good times were good. Good times don't mean you have to stay either. Be kind to yourself. Take the time you need and focus on you and what you want and need. It will become clearer as you heal

I’m so sorry for what you are going through, OP.

Years ago a now ex had a one night stand. But then told me about it 6 months later - when he realised I would find out from someone else. I tried so hard for a year to make it work but I just couldn’t. It wasn’t just the cheating, it was that I felt strung along for so long and knowing he could lie to me so easily without me knowing.

He did try his best afterwards, but I couldn’t get over it. I thought about it a lot, I worried when he wasn’t around, I wondered if he really was telling me the whole truth. I was anxious that I might “do something” which would cause him to cheat again so was on eggshells all the time. I became angry and resentful and unhappy and even nice times were ruined by those feelings and my mood, which I either kept inside and felt sad and angry or said out loud which caused us to argue. I lost all my confidence. Eventually I left because I didn’t like who I had become.

What I have since realised is that it wasn’t my fault. He ruined the relationship, not me. I didn’t owe him another opportunity. It wasn’t a lack of strength or will on my part that I couldn’t get over it. It was absolutely fine for me not to get over it. If things break down, it’s not your fault for not getting over it, it’s his fault for cheating.

And I later met my husband and the relationship is so much better that I can’t believe I wasted a year trying to save a relationship that I had previously thought was perfect instead of realising that I could be just as happy with someone else.

Also, in case you wonder if this made me hate my ex forever, actually I don’t. I’ve seen him a few times over the years and we get on great. If he hadn’t cheated on me, I think we would have been happy together. But he did, so we couldn’t. And my now husband makes me just as happy, if not more so than that relationship did, even if I didn’t think that was possible at the time. There is no “one” in my view and realising that made me so much happier. If I had known that before, I wouldn’t have spent a miserable year trying to save a relationship and another 2 years trying to feel better after it happened. Lots of therapy was needed!

Good luck OP. Please remember that there is nothing wrong with you, it’s his fault he cheated, not yours.

It seems he lied to you for years about this. How awful for you. He was trying to trick you and hoped he had got away with it.

OMG you need to wake up to the fact he’s probably cheated or will cheat so the fragility is entirely on you. Never depend on another person for your happiness you will always be surely disappointed. Trust in yourself. Treat others as they treat you and that’s a fair transaction.

"he’s probably cheated"

Why on earth would you say that?😕

Similar story here.

My ex husband cheated on me (a ONS with someone he knew years ago) when I was pregnant and we had an 18 month old. I was devastated but couldn't face the thought of life without him for me or our dc. So my way of moving on was to not tell anyone, brush it under the carpet and carry on.

And we did, for 10 more years. I don't regret staying as we did have many more happy years together as a family, but looking back, I changed that day.

Anyway, my ex then went on to have a full blown affair after 10 years, I found out and finally ended our marriage. Yes, it was hard...I was heartbroken. But no matter now hard it was (and still is sometimes), staying and trying to save something he had already given up on would have been harder.

@Fannyadam

I am 7 months in after a confession of Infidelity. It is no time at all, trust me.

Get yourself on Surviving Infidelity and post on the Just Found Out section. You'll get great, non judgemental advice. It's not about being weak or strong - it's about letting go of the outcome and working on yourself to process the trauma. You'll have to do that whether you stay in the marriage or not.

I am currently reconciling but only on the basis that my husband is doing everything he can, including therapy, reading, honesty, taking full responsibility and showing complete remorse among other things. If he stopped doing that and demonstrating his commitment to positive change every day, I would separate.

Reconciliation is possible (and statistically the most likely outcome despite what people claim on MN) but it is bloody hard work. Leaving is also bloody hard work. You don't have to decide anything now.

I'm sorry you are going through this and thank you for the advice I'll have a look at the website. I bloody hate this, I'm a happy person who always tries so hard to make things work, this is probably the hardest thing I've had to tackle. To everyone thank you for all your messages and advice, some brutal but much needed. I read all comments taking each one onboard. Your time taken to reply to me is very much appreciated.

Please remember it is not on you to fix this. If the partnership is to work it needs massive input from him to show remorse and give you endless reassurance that he is committed to you and only you moving forwards. It's not a one off, it may need to be often and genuine, and unquestioning.

I was in a similar boat. My ex-h had a short but intense emotional affair (and the start of a physical affair) over the course of a few months. We tried to work it out for two years via therapy. Ultimately it didn't work. I was broken, he wasn't able to recognise or commit to the level of work he needed to do.

We split. Am I sad that the marriage ended, yes. Do I regret having the individual and couples therapy, no. I taught me a lot about relationships and what I need. I'm now 8 years down the line from finding out. I have a new partner, who ticks my boxes in terms of being a brilliant communicator and very loving. And I am not stuck in a relationship where I am hyper vigilant about whether he'll do it again, or whether he does really love me.

Like someone else, me and my exH actually get on okay now. Something I didn't think would happen post divorce.

Good luck. Do what feels right for now, but don't think you can't change your mind. And get counselling!

That's like saying you wouldn't get an X-ray for a broken leg because some people have have worse injuries than that. You're unhappy and you want to find a way forward that's
Exactly what therapy is for and you deserve it

You can be yr own best therapist too

Brilliant post from @Wheretostartstitching .

I don’t think you are “ obessing “ or “ over reacting “ @Fannyadam . I think you are under reacting.

I found the idea of “betrayal blindness” helpful
https://www.relationalrecovery.com/betrayal-blindness/

Similar story as others have said, DP of 19 years had an EA with a mutual friend that he has always fancied, i am 100% certain it would have turned physical if i hadnt found out. DP said he didnt love me after i found out.

I am not proud but i did the pick me dance, i was devastated, my world had imploded and i was heartbroken, but i forgave him and he stayed and I worked on it, he was "case closed dont mention it again" so i never got the answers i wanted. He denied it would have turned physical but i know him and i know it would, i would have staked my life on it.

Staying was hard, it put me on antidepressants and beta blockers for anxiety, my mental health was trashed and i did not trust him at all, always checking up on him and feeling sick when his phone bleeped too much.

3 years later i was in a better place but i remember sitting on the sofa looking at him thinking "I fucking hate you" and i knew then we were over.

He moved out in January while we worked on things and it broke my heart, i still loved him and adored him and fancied the arse off him even after 23 years but i knew he would do it again to me and it was a matter of time before he had another EA. 8 weeks after leaving he moved in with EA partner. So i was right all the long and it devastated me but i know i did the right thing.

Dont set yourself any time limits OP, you can give it 7 months, 12 months, 7 years and decide, "thats it, im done" or you could move on and be happy, expect your feelings to change weekly. Its a head fuck OP, but you will come through it your really will. The quote that kept me going was "Sadness flies away on the wings of time".

Op if you meant this for me, yes I'm glad that it ended because the insecurity honestly turned me into someone I didn't even recognise or like much. My ex didn't really understand why I couldn't let it go even after years and it came up time and time again under different guises. He'd probably describe me as very jealous and all over the place. And the worst of it is I'd started to believe that of myself rather than recognising that I was in something that just wasn't working for me anymore. Whereas I'm now with my dh, he's an absolute rock and I've never once doubted him from the get go, checked his phone or had an argument over jealousy or insecurity. I did have counselling when I started dating him because I wanted to make sure I didn't bring old baggage into a good thing and I guess because I wanted to build my confidence in trusting my instincts again as i was afraid of getting let down again. Even though the cheating hurt me, the loss of my self and the emotional impact of that was by far the worst thing about being with my ex. So if nothing else, please get yourself support because you absolutely deserve it, it made a big difference for me. Although I will say I had to try a few different counselors before I found one I felt I could open up to.

Not an affair, but a huge betrayal of another kind, and I've never 'got over it'. I've simply learned to live around it.
With time I went from being upset on a daily basis to gradually thinking of it less and less, to sometimes long periods of not thinking about it at all. But every now and again something triggers it and the hurt and fury bubble up for a while. It's been over ten years now and I can't see that changing. I'm different because of it and so is my relationship with the person.
It's a good relationship, but theres a big scar now where its been torn and mended, so will never look the same. I try to value it for what it is not mourn what it was.

This. So so this.

About 50-50% people, best estimate from research cheat/don't cheat.

So you can't assume that.

It is however, not a good idea on life to be tok dependant and all eggs in one basket with a partner, or anyone.

That’s a very conservative estimate that I would not believe for one second. It’s more in the realms of 80-90%. Majority of people experience an emotional low at some point in their lives, hence they look to fix things, and affairs are very likely. The general real life is a carousel of chores and surely they deserve more? It’s got nothing to do with you it’s about them needing validation. Hence it’s wise not to depend on another person’s mood and willingness to bed hop.

Agree its not brave or strong to 'forgive' an affair.

I stayed and tried to forgive out of fear of abandonment. Wish I'd kicked him out as he left me months later by which time I was losing my mind and not far off a breakdown tbh/on meds.

I'd honestly advise anyone to walk away.

My ex H cheated with a friend of ours. I did not find out until after it was over and he had lied about it at the time when I had asked him if there was anything going on. I eventually found out by accident and he begged to stay. I allowed him to but those next few years were awful - you question everything, every event , every date, every time. Your brain is relentless. He meanwhile was asking to be forgiven all the time. He turned nasty and started blaming me for things eg I wasn't " on his team" ( the fucking nerve of it) . I literally stood at times banging my head against the wall to get the thoughts to stop. These cheats turn you into a liar too. I started on ADs. One day about 4 years later he just left one day without saying anything to me. He is now married to her and she left her H too after a while. I have no idea if they had been in contact all that time. I detest liars so they are welcome to each other. I am now remarried and my life is so much better. It's only natural to obsess - what did they say about me ? what did they do? when did he lie? did they both find it funny? Pair of bastards. I won't lie - the break up features often still in my dreams. Events like this have been likened to PTSD.