my dh is pissed again adn I am sick of it

[cruisemum1]

thats all

Is he being nasty, or just stupid?

please elaborate?

he drinks too much. every night. he is a highly intelligent, successful man but a tosser when he hits the wine. He downs 2 bottles per night most nights. he can get nasty and stupid but mostly falls asleep and does not participate in family life. his intentions are good but he will not be challeged on this one. there are stories i could tell which would make your hair stand on end but no time now.

He won't stop drinking for you and the children, he has to want to stop for his own self along with addressing why he drinks so much in the first place. Unless he realises that he has a problem then nothing will change for you. You also play a role here; many such women to men with drink problems act as enablers. The children likely know there is a problem or at the very least are picking up on bad vibes which will affect them.

You can't change him but you can change how you react to him.

I would also suggest you talk to Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers.

That's a lot of alcohol, very damaging to mind and body. I hope you can get him to cut down.

My DH drinks a bottle a night - he says it relaxes him (he has a stressful job). I have suggested he tries other ways of relaxing such as Yoga, meditation, a fitness class, but he's not interested. He does work out at the Gym most mornings and is very fit, but drinks too much come the evening.

What;s worrying for you though is you say he doesn't do anything with the kids - I would be very annoyed at that. And two bottles every night - doesn't he wake up with a hangover??????

Talk to Al-anon for some advice on how he can cut down on the booze and suggest he takes up some kind of relaxation class or fitness class in the evenings..

2bottles is seriousl alcoholism

does he work?
how can he get up in the mornings after 2 bottles of wine a night?
sounds liek you definitely need to talk to AA

I'm afriad at 2 bottles a night the question is less if he will get liver damage but when. Assuming he maintains it for any length of time.

Agree that you can't make him do anything but you can contact Al-Anon for support. The fact that you have contacted them may make him think about his drinking.

al-anon

thanks all, but he really doesnt think he has a problem. he hsa been so drunk on occasions that he passed out in teh delivery room just after i hd givenbirth to ds . he once ended up in hospital after i could not wake him when he was choking to death (literally I am sure) on his own black vomit. He ended up on the floow where I ahd pushed him in a pool of pee and sick until the ambulance came. dd was asleep in bed, i was 4 weeks pregnant. it was new years eve . He also fell over and cut all his face up on Chrismas eve year before last and on another occasion, damaged his knuckles and ribs but cannot remember any of how these happened

i really isn;t at all uncommon for alcohols to not accept they have a problme. He doesn;t need to accept it in order for you to get help though. Al-Anon is for the families of alcoholics, they will be very supportive and it may help you a great deal to talk to others who have been through similar things.

Until he realises and admits his problem, I'm afraid you're in for more if the same... you need to make plans for that (ie get info and support in place in case of a separation). Before any confrontations or 'stop drinking or it's over'- get some help about the psychology of alcoholism so that you have the strength to do it right...
You have to mean it and go through with it, you need to understand what 'enabling' and 'co-dependency' really mean, you need to understand how this affects the children, you need to understand that he's not doing it on purpose to sabotage your relationship and he still loves you and your children, you need to understand that while he's drinking- it will come before everyone/everything, you need to understand that if he goes into recovery then that too will come first.
Try not to focus on it at the expense of your family- that's often the biggest mistake the partner of an alcoholic makes- this makes the children feel that they're always coming second, firstly to the alcohol (dad won't stop drinking, even for me) and secondly to the alcoholic (mum cares more about him that me- i've got problems too). This was the hardest thing about being the child of an alcoholic.

Best of Luck x

Cruisemum1 - I know exactly how you feel. My DH drinks every night, but cider instead of wine. He will go through most nights at least a 3 litre bottle of cider. Weekends he will add another 4 cans on top of that or a bottle of red. It is a rare occasion that he doesn't drink of a night, and on those nights he's in such a foul mood because his hangover from the night(s) before kicks in.

Like you, when sober, DH is kind and funny and great with the kids. But when he reaches for his pint glass I know that by the end of the evening, after insulting me, making me feel like c**p, doing nothing with the kids etc, he will be passed out on the sofa. I dread most evenings now. It should be a time when I can relax after a hard days work childminding, but that never happens. And I HATE the weekends when I know it will be ten times worse.

I have tried asking him/telling him to lay off. I have cried and begged, not just because of the affect it's having on us but because of the damage I know it's doing to him. My DSD stays at the weekends and she has tried telling him that she hates it when he's drunk, which is every time she's round. She's written him letters as well. They might work for a week, but then he goes back to drinking. I long for the new year to come because I know that he will vow to have a month off, but he lasts a few days, week at most. But it's the best week of my life really.

His friends, including his best mate, have all told him and are all concerned. They know what he's like when he's drunk. But ultimately, he doesn't think he has a problem, doesn't even consider my feelings about it (in his words if I don't like it then I know what I can do) so won't do anything about it.

People who have given me advice say to leave him, but I don't feel strong enough to. Despite all this, I still love him so much. But I do feel like I'm waiting for something major to happen and for a GP to tell him he's slowly killing himself. I fear that if I do leave him he will get worse and end up killing himself anyway.

I know that none of this helps you, but you are not alone. If you ever need to chat then feel free to e-mail me chel86 @ hotmail.co.uk.

chel86. How . the thing is, to see my dh you would never even think that he is drinking the way he is (aprt from the smell of alcohol on his breath). If I challenge his behaviour in any way he simplifies matters and makes it sound like he has a few drinks and nods off so where is the harm in that iyswim. The reality is that we rarely have an evning together without him being pissed. Saturday nights are a total pain (like yours) because he is usually half cut by around 6pm and then asleep by 8pm until I go to bed around 10:30pm. Makes him so unattractive to me too. He does not understand how this makes me feel at all. He too wakes up depressed and moody because of his drinking. He will NEVER admit he has a problem. Nobody knows how this feels apart form someone in the same position. Thanks for email address but we share a computer so I wouldn't risk it!

also, he believes that because he does not drink in the day, he could not possibly be an alcoholic. During the day he is fine and sober and holds down a high powered job. I feel he has brainwashed me intgo believing that there is no problem but if it is a prob for me then surely that is problem enough???

"People who have given me advice say to leave him, but I don't feel strong enough to. Despite all this, I still love him so much. But I do feel like I'm waiting for something major to happen and for a GP to tell him he's slowly killing himself. I fear that if I do leave him he will get worse and end up killing himself anyway".

Hi Chel,

You need to talk to Al-anon also. They won't judge you and they can help.

Would also suggest you read Mrs Macaroon's response - that also applies to your good self too.

What would it take for you to take the children and actually leave?. Is this the sort of life you want your children to witness in their childhoods?. You can choose to stay but they have no say. Having a drunk Dad as a father is no good for them at all. Children of alcoholic parents are more likely as adults to find partners who are themselves alcoholic or become super responsible in relatiosnhips. You are only responsible ultimately for your own self - you cannot make yourself responsible for him too and you must not enable him or allow yourself to be manipualated (two very hard tasks to achieve).

Even if a GP did tell your DH he is killing himself through drinking this in itself is no guarantee that this will make him stop. He has to want to stop for his own self - no-one but no-one will be able to do this for him but him.

He needs to go to AA ideally but like many people he is in denial and also likely underestimates the amount he's actually drinking. He's not ready for AA and perhaps never will be.

You can help your own self and Al-anon for you is a good place to start. Your DSD may also want to talk to Al-ateen which is for teenagers. She needs to talk too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/410292

try here guys. There are a lot of us in relationships of one sort or another with addicts and a lot of good advice/ support on this thread

lst x

Hi cruisemom.

"Also, he believes that because he does not drink in the day, he could not possibly be an alcoholic".

Again denial is at work here which is commonly seen with alcoholics. I reckon he also underestimates how much he is actually drinking. You don't actually have to sit on a park bench with a brown bag to be alcoholic (you rightly realise so). This is an out of date image.

"During the day he is fine and sober and holds down a high powered job"

So he's a functioning alcoholic but for how long, what if he loses his job because of alcoholism, I know of people to whom this has happened.

"I feel he has brainwashed me intgo believing that there is no problem but if it is a prob for me then surely that is problem enough???"

Yes and you are right. Please talk with Al-anon.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/410292

sorry

his family are aware of some of it but they don't really ask becaue they don't wnat to know (they are elderly and not in a position to do anything much). My family hate it becauswe they know how much it affecs me. He leftg our front door open a few nights ago and I only discovered it because ds was grizzling and I went to check on him. It was about 3am and he was aleep on settee. Also, I once woke to the smell of gas filling our house and he was lying on kitchen floor asleep with a bowl of spilled dinner by his side. I dread to think what would hav happened if our dd had got up and turned on the light

alcoholics are fantastic at denial.

My grandmother beleived the old chestnut about "you must drink in the morning to be an alcoholic" so she didn't get out of bed until noon - she therefore couldnt be an alcoholic

Our doctor said he had a rule of thumb that if someone was regularly drinking enough to lose some memory, then they had a problem.

My uncle (now dry for 30 years) said he could give up for a whole month and was still be an alcoholic. He said he wasn;t able to have one glass. He can have nothing, or he can drink... in between he has no control over how much he drinks

Analyse your behaviour in this...you can't change his behaviour (no amount of letters from your kids etc will work- my mum once made me cry in front of my dad just to show him how affected I was by his drinking...that kind of behaviour is called 'sicker than the sick'- after a while of living with an alcoholic you will find yourself putting up with stuff that you never thought you would and adding to it by exposing your children to a very traumatic situation).
There's no halfway house here, you have children and therefore your responsibility is to them (as the sober party unfortunately it's up to you to put them first- you can rely on him to put drinking and himself first, no matter how lovely a person he is). He doesn't have to be leaving the gas on and doors open to be a risk to your children- the damage is already being done on a daily basis. Expect schoolwork to suffer, anger at both of you (external or internal- ie anorexia/eating disorders/self harm etc), mental health problems and an increased risk of being an alcoholic, getting into abusive/co-dependent relationships.
I'm not trying to freak you out or be cruel, just trying to give you a child's perspective...he may be in denial about being an alcoholic but are you maybe in denial about what this is doing to your kids?
It is possible to be supportive whilst not living with someone...eventually you will realise that staying because you're scared of what might happen to them without you is actually enabling their alcoholism and stopping them from reaching the point where they ask for help.