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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner sometimes values his mothers opinions over mine, worried this will continue as relationship progresses

65 replies

Redrose28 · 18/07/2023 15:20

My partner is very close to his mother. He tells her a lot about out relationship. Generally speaking, he's a great guy, but this issue is getting me down a little.

Once, I was preparing to do him a favour- clean his windows. I told him the method by which I’d clean them. He called his mother and asked her opinion, and told me that she said to do this method that I was going to do (she didn't know I was going to use this method). It kind of annoyed me, I knew which method was correct to use. It made me wonder, what would he do it she said to use a different method?

I often have extra virgin olive oil with meals and have been explaining the benefits to my boyfriend for a long time. I offer it and he always rejects it. Tonight, he told me he told his mother about me saying this. She told him that he should be having the olive oil as it’s healthy. So now he’s told me he’ll be having the olive oil, despite me telling him of the benefits for weeks.

These are just some examples. I’m genuinely worried for the day she disagrees with me, and what my boyfriend will do. I feel like he may take her word instead of mine. What do you guys think? His mother seems nice , but I just don’t want to end up later down the line with him following everything she says and being unhappy.

OP posts:
SpainToday · 18/07/2023 15:22

Head for the hills OP

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/07/2023 15:26

It's a running joke in our house that I tell DH something, he ignores me, weeks later he remembers the fact but not the source, looks online, tells me about it. I say, "OMG a MAN on the INTERNET agrees with me, I MUST be right" very very sarcastically.

In the window cleaning example, I would have just not bothered cleaning them. Since they are both such experts, let them crack on.

I married a mummy's boy first time around and wouldn't again. However DH loved his mum a great deal and listened to her. Subtle difference. It's more the discounting of your opinion I'd worry about. That he doesn't think you're clever or well-informed.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/07/2023 15:27

He is a mummy's boy. The hills are that way ->.

billy1966 · 18/07/2023 15:29

Why are you cleaning the windows of a mummys boy?

Where is your self respect?

AndyMcFlurry · 18/07/2023 15:32

dump him
and never do a man’s cleaning for him again

thistimelastweek · 18/07/2023 15:33

I think I'd be most bothered that he double-checked with dear old ma about such trivial things.
God help you if she doesn't agree with your opinion on something important.
It would make me question the future.
(And I wouldn't have cleaned his windows. Mind you, I wouldn't have offered in the first place.)

MsFannySqueers · 18/07/2023 15:34

@MrsTerryPratchett ha ha I have one of those as well! He never listened much to his mother though. That would drive me nuts OP it’s as if he has to run everything past his DM. It will become very tiresome.

Gateappreciation · 18/07/2023 15:35

It’s perfectly okay to ask for someone else’s opinion or advice. It’s what you do with that advice afterwards. If you don’t agree with it, do it your way. What would happen if you go against mil’s advice. Would she or dp throw a strip?

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 15:44

Never mind that- why are you cleaning his windows and supervising his diet?

barbarahunter · 18/07/2023 15:46

I once had a relationship with a mummy's boy. You will never be a priority. Your views will always be dismissed in favour of mummy. Mummy controls him. Get rid of him.

FartSock5000 · 18/07/2023 15:55

@Redrose28 you cannot ever change a "mummy's boy" so this is your taster of what life will be like with this man until darling mummy departs this world. In fact, it will get worse.

Do you really have the patience to be second fiddle to mummy?

We aren't joking. They do not and cannot change.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 18/07/2023 15:59

SpainToday · 18/07/2023 15:22

Head for the hills OP

Do you always "head for the hills" at the first sign of any difference in opinion?! Whatever happened to solving things? That's how you discover each other's boundaries. Relationships shouldn't be THAT disposable! There's having standards and then there's being ridiculous ffs. Nobody is 100% perfect 100% of the time! With that attitude we'd all be single forever

AlfietheSchnauzer · 18/07/2023 16:06

@Redrose28 My Mum is like this! If she asks my advice on something for her house for example, I'll suggest something or make a recommendation and she'll ignore it but if her best friend - whom she idolises - makes the same suggestion then it's a done deal!

I can tell her some news and I'll get a cursory response if any. Yet if this friend also tells her it's "Oh wow, really?!" 🤣🤣

SpainToday · 18/07/2023 16:08

AlfietheSchnauzer · 18/07/2023 15:59

Do you always "head for the hills" at the first sign of any difference in opinion?! Whatever happened to solving things? That's how you discover each other's boundaries. Relationships shouldn't be THAT disposable! There's having standards and then there's being ridiculous ffs. Nobody is 100% perfect 100% of the time! With that attitude we'd all be single forever

My first husband was a mummy’s boy. There was no solution

gallina · 18/07/2023 16:09

I've learned from bitter experience if they're under their mamas thumb they always will be.

It's not worth it, leave

AlfietheSchnauzer · 18/07/2023 16:10

@SpainToday Ah. Touchè. Been there!

ConcernedCatmother · 18/07/2023 16:12

Leave him, this will only get worse. Nothing worse than a mummies boy imo!

fruitbrewhaha · 18/07/2023 16:14

Why are you cleaning his windows? It's as if you are trying to mother him yourself.

CarlosAlcaraz · 18/07/2023 16:21

His response to your offer of cleaning his windows should have be one of gratitude , not to run to mummy and ask how to do it. Why doesn't he know how to clean windows and why isn't he doing it himself?

DPotter · 18/07/2023 16:21

You could play with this - tell him the best position for the most amazing orgasm is (position of your choice) and see if he asks for her opinion.......

Seriously - there are favours and there are favours Red and no way would I ever clean someone's windows as a favour. A favour is picking up a pack of butter when you're off to the shop anyway.

have you challenged him on this over-sharing ? If not you most definitely should - his reaction will tell you a lot

GradyFletcher · 18/07/2023 16:23

Mummy’s boy.
don’t clean his windows again.
Let his mum do it.
Obviously he can’t do it himself as, being male, his penis will get in the way.
Why was he asking his mum about the method? He should have been happy to have had a mummy substitute/maid to do it, but he had to double check.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 18/07/2023 16:24

DP often gives me good advice. However she is also capable to talking some absolute horseshit with 100% confidence on occasion. As a result I tend to get independent verification when it's important or time consuming, whether it be via the internet, my Dad, a friend etc.

It does her nut in, but it's less annoying than wasting a day or money.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/07/2023 16:25

Perhaps his mother is a bit tired of his constant coming back to her so is agreeing with everything you say? ( fingers crossed )

RuffledKestrel · 18/07/2023 16:26

Oh I had an ex that used to be like this, but not only with his mother. He always had to compare my opinion on something with some, or a few, other people he knew. And only when one of them said the same thing as me would he agree that was the way to do it/is correct/whatever.

It drove me mad. Eventually I just stopped giving advice or answering his questions. Just told him to ask X Y or Z.

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 16:27

@ConcernedCatmother "Nothing worse than a mummies boy imo!"

What's the difference between a mummies boy and a man who has a happy relationship with his mother?

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