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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner sometimes values his mothers opinions over mine, worried this will continue as relationship progresses

65 replies

Redrose28 · 18/07/2023 15:20

My partner is very close to his mother. He tells her a lot about out relationship. Generally speaking, he's a great guy, but this issue is getting me down a little.

Once, I was preparing to do him a favour- clean his windows. I told him the method by which I’d clean them. He called his mother and asked her opinion, and told me that she said to do this method that I was going to do (she didn't know I was going to use this method). It kind of annoyed me, I knew which method was correct to use. It made me wonder, what would he do it she said to use a different method?

I often have extra virgin olive oil with meals and have been explaining the benefits to my boyfriend for a long time. I offer it and he always rejects it. Tonight, he told me he told his mother about me saying this. She told him that he should be having the olive oil as it’s healthy. So now he’s told me he’ll be having the olive oil, despite me telling him of the benefits for weeks.

These are just some examples. I’m genuinely worried for the day she disagrees with me, and what my boyfriend will do. I feel like he may take her word instead of mine. What do you guys think? His mother seems nice , but I just don’t want to end up later down the line with him following everything she says and being unhappy.

OP posts:
HumphreysCorner · 18/07/2023 19:02

My DH told me how his mum cleaned the windows but honestly it can change.

Vivi0 · 18/07/2023 19:03

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 18:53

And it's interesting that there appears to be no such thing as a "mommies girl". Men have to "cut the apron strings. Women don't.

There absolutely is! I’ve seen plenty of threads/posts on Mumsnet by women completely enmeshed with their mothers.

I don’t know what the mens equivalent of Mumsnet is, but I’m sure plenty of men have experienced this dynamic with their wives and their mothers.

MeOldBamboo · 18/07/2023 19:06

This killed my marriage. Everything had to be verified. She overstepped boundaries massively e.g. rearranging cupboards, dictating the gardening, deciding on paint colours. I spent years trying to convince exH to have an extension. He did not agree until his parents suddenly thought it was a good idea.
By that time I lost all enthusiasm for it and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, amongst other exH issues. Never have I felt so free and empowered as I do now.

itsmyp4rty · 18/07/2023 19:08

Vivi0 · 18/07/2023 19:03

There absolutely is! I’ve seen plenty of threads/posts on Mumsnet by women completely enmeshed with their mothers.

I don’t know what the mens equivalent of Mumsnet is, but I’m sure plenty of men have experienced this dynamic with their wives and their mothers.

Yes but that's not a problem that women often have, if men have that issue then they are free to have a problem with it - or not if they're not bothered.

I married a mummies boy OP, it was hell until she died. It's not something I'd ever recommend.

allyjay · 18/07/2023 19:52

If my son called me up to ask about cleaning windows, I'd be like wtf? Who cares? He sounds like a mummy's boy. Jesus christ, it's a no from me

ChubbyMorticia · 18/07/2023 21:17

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 18:52

@ChubbyMorticia "The question I was answering was what was the difference between a Mommy’s Boy and someone who has a good relationship with their mother."

I know. I asked whether the man concerned is allowed to seek opinions/advice from anyone else? Is it just his mother who is off limits?

You missed the part where i said his mother shouldn’t be his life partner.

There is a VAST difference between asking for occasional advice and being unable to make a decision without guidance from someone else. To not be able to provide privacy in your personal relationship because you need to always solicit outside opinions.

IMO, needing approval and handholding from a parent, sibling, BFF to be able to make adult decisions, ESPECIALLY in the context of a relationship, is a major red flag. A couple working together to make decisions because it impacts their future together is very different from needing to consult a third party about how to wash windows, or what food to eat. If the OP’s BF can’t make such small decisions without guidance, how on Earth will he make the larger ones? Or will Mom have a say in everything?

I don’t think OP agreed to be in a three person relationship with him and his mom. And I’d say the same if it was his sibling or BFF too. Relationships are supposed to be equal, but that’s not possible when one partner brings in a third to side with them, or constantly values an outsider’s opinion over their partner’s.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 18/07/2023 21:23

I'd find it very disrespectful if I knew my partner was talking to his mum about our relationship.

If you're still at the dating stage and not living together then personally I'd be getting out now. It's one thing for him to get advice on cleaning windows, but once you have children and he's taking mummy's advice over yours on how to feed/raise them, then it will go pear shaped.

LifeExperience · 18/07/2023 21:25

Run. Far. Now. He will not change. What you marry is what you get. If anything, men's negative traits become more prominent over time, so something you dislike now you will HATE later.

Your gut is telling you he's too enmeshed with mummy; trust your gut.

SnackQueen · 19/07/2023 19:55

Yes it will continue and yes she will win every time. He will listen to her above you. He will side with her over you. He will turn on you before her. He will involve her and defer to her on big decisions that should really just be for the two of you to decide together. From experience, my advice to you is to run for the hills.

Frogger8395 · 19/07/2023 20:16

You both infantilise him.

Newestname002 · 20/07/2023 11:48

@Redrose28

Imagine what it will be like when you're pregnant with his baby and when your child is born (that's not the case is it?). Lordy help you then... 🌹

Redrose28 · 20/07/2023 14:20

Thank you for the comments all

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/07/2023 19:42

I don't know why all these derogatory comments are being directed at his mum. She's controlling, competing for him, he's under her thumb. All the woman has done is back up the OPs own opinions when asked!

MrsClatterbuck · 20/07/2023 20:11

What I don't understand is why you explained how you were going to go about cleaning his windows. I would have just said I'm going to clean the windows and then would have just cracked on with it. Also as someone else pointed out how come he doesn't know how to clean windows. It's not exactly rocket science.
Yes nothing less attractive than a mummy's boy.

Madamecastafiore · 20/07/2023 20:14

I'd run if only for the fact that he's a boring fucker who checks simple life chores like window cleaning with his mother!

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