Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner sometimes values his mothers opinions over mine, worried this will continue as relationship progresses

65 replies

Redrose28 · 18/07/2023 15:20

My partner is very close to his mother. He tells her a lot about out relationship. Generally speaking, he's a great guy, but this issue is getting me down a little.

Once, I was preparing to do him a favour- clean his windows. I told him the method by which I’d clean them. He called his mother and asked her opinion, and told me that she said to do this method that I was going to do (she didn't know I was going to use this method). It kind of annoyed me, I knew which method was correct to use. It made me wonder, what would he do it she said to use a different method?

I often have extra virgin olive oil with meals and have been explaining the benefits to my boyfriend for a long time. I offer it and he always rejects it. Tonight, he told me he told his mother about me saying this. She told him that he should be having the olive oil as it’s healthy. So now he’s told me he’ll be having the olive oil, despite me telling him of the benefits for weeks.

These are just some examples. I’m genuinely worried for the day she disagrees with me, and what my boyfriend will do. I feel like he may take her word instead of mine. What do you guys think? His mother seems nice , but I just don’t want to end up later down the line with him following everything she says and being unhappy.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 18/07/2023 16:28

Why should he automatically listen to his girlfriend and not his mum? You sound like you see her as competition, surely you consult your mum about things too?

Spendonsend · 18/07/2023 16:37

I'm less wortied about him asking his mums advice or opinion. I often consult with all sorts of people when making a decision or working out how to do things.

I cant work out why you are cleaning his windows and why he would ask his mum how should do his chores.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 18/07/2023 16:41

Get the mother onside, ask for her opinions. Tell your DP the 'right' way to do things. She'll soon have him doing what you want. If that doesn't work, move on!

ReleasetheCrackHen · 18/07/2023 16:46

This wouldn’t bother me enough to worry about the future of my relationship. It would be like water off a duck. I don’t blindly agree with my DH on every one of his opinions, methods, or healthy eating advice so I don’t expect him to either.

DreamItDoIt · 18/07/2023 16:49

Sorry couldn't get past you were going to clean his windows. Dies he clean yours? No, thought not. Get some self respect OP.

N0ëlle · 18/07/2023 16:50

Did u go ahead and clean his windows?

A good approach might have been "ok, you do it" (who cares how)

I had this with the x I left. But there were other things too.

It wasn't just my x but generally, I don't think I command respect 😞 I was with a group of people recently and one of them was asking about a subject I used to work in. I yroed to answer but others talked over me, and at the end, a louder person was concluding something incorrect was true. I had already said what the rules of the scheme were and I was totally ignored. Weird. I'm not young, girly, dressed strangely... I can't figure out why exactly people tend to think "no no you're wrong you know nothing".

Redrose28 · 18/07/2023 17:02

For those asking why I did the windows(well I didn’t do them all myself- he helped), it was because I really love cleaning. He’s not lazy, keeps other things clean and regularly does chores

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/07/2023 17:05

Now you love cleaning.

You stated you were doing him a favour in cleaning his windows.

He does not have to be lazy either in order to be a mummy's boy. Where is his dad, is he still in this man's life?.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/07/2023 17:06

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 16:27

@ConcernedCatmother "Nothing worse than a mummies boy imo!"

What's the difference between a mummies boy and a man who has a happy relationship with his mother?

I can answer this having been married to one of each. Mummies boys are enmeshed, don't have any perspective or humour about their family, prioritise their mum's wants over everyone else's needs, and are treated as golden children.

Second kind loves mum, listens to and respects her but with humour and perspective. Treats everyone's needs as important, doesn't take every word she says as an order, prioritises his child, then himself, then his wife, then his mum.

thebestyoucanhopefor · 18/07/2023 18:30

It would really annoy me that he will check with his mum and only do something if she agrees!

ChubbyMorticia · 18/07/2023 18:37

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 16:27

@ConcernedCatmother "Nothing worse than a mummies boy imo!"

What's the difference between a mummies boy and a man who has a happy relationship with his mother?

Independence. The ability and desire to make decisions based on their own experience, interests and knowledge vs having the need consult Mom for approval/validation. Having boundaries and the ability to enforce them. Not including their mother as a life partner.

HermeticDawn · 18/07/2023 18:39

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 15:44

Never mind that- why are you cleaning his windows and supervising his diet?

Yes!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 18/07/2023 18:40

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 15:44

Never mind that- why are you cleaning his windows and supervising his diet?

Cos he's gone from one mummy to another. They will continue to compete for this 'prize'.

thistimelastweek · 18/07/2023 18:41

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 16:27

@ConcernedCatmother "Nothing worse than a mummies boy imo!"

What's the difference between a mummies boy and a man who has a happy relationship with his mother?

My son and I have a good relationship. We get on really well.

He has never ever, not once ever, double-checked with me his wife's take on something.

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 18:43

@ChubbyMorticia
"The ability and desire to make decisions based on their own experience, interests and knowledge vs having the need consult Mom for approval/validation." Just Mom? Is it OK to seek advice/opinions from other people?

HumphreysCorner · 18/07/2023 18:44

Omg I met my DH at 27 and MIL took his yogurt lids off and made his bed and still bought him white underparts when I refused but I love him so much and 26 years later she sadly passed away from Alzheimers. She stressed me out over my DC's but I would do anything to have her back.

ChubbyMorticia · 18/07/2023 18:46

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 18:43

@ChubbyMorticia
"The ability and desire to make decisions based on their own experience, interests and knowledge vs having the need consult Mom for approval/validation." Just Mom? Is it OK to seek advice/opinions from other people?

The question I was answering was what was the difference between a Mommy’s Boy and someone who has a good relationship with their mother.

AutieNOT0tie · 18/07/2023 18:47

It's annoying but easy to ignore / leave him to it unless you plan to have children together then you will have a major problem. Imagine EVERY parenting decision being ran past mummy

TheMentionOfYourName · 18/07/2023 18:48

Yet how many women have to run everything through their own Mum first ?

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 18:52

@ChubbyMorticia "The question I was answering was what was the difference between a Mommy’s Boy and someone who has a good relationship with their mother."

I know. I asked whether the man concerned is allowed to seek opinions/advice from anyone else? Is it just his mother who is off limits?

Begonne · 18/07/2023 18:52

I’ve learned an enormous amount from my mil but it’s definitely better when it’s not filtered through dh 😂

CurlewKate · 18/07/2023 18:53

And it's interesting that there appears to be no such thing as a "mommies girl". Men have to "cut the apron strings. Women don't.

scoobysnaxx · 18/07/2023 18:56

RUN RUN RUN!!!
What a mummy's boy.
It will be a nightmare omg.
A LIFETIME of being undermined.

Right now it's olive oil and windows.

In the future it could be child rearing issues or something or a similar magnitude!

Can hear it now.

"Well my mum said..."

ARGHHHHH.

scoobysnaxx · 18/07/2023 18:57

And why isn't he cleaning his own windows???

And why does he need to ask how old it's done??

How old is he? And you?

FinallyHere · 18/07/2023 19:00

He sounds quite the catch.

He won't change. Imagine trying to parent DC in this situation.

Don't. Just don't.