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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner tells me I don’t do enough despite working a 50 hour week

90 replies

lovelife50 · 17/07/2023 22:23

Apologies in advance for the long post!! My partner of 12 years tells me I don’t do enough, despite the fact I work a 50 hour week in an often stressful career, have 3 children (21, 19,17) from a previous marriage, the youngest 2 live with us full time and don’t see their dad, nor does he contribute anything towards them financially (and hasn’t done for 10 years but that’s a whole other post…) so I have to work to support them all. Partner has a really successful business, and will often say that if they were his own kids he would fully financially support them and I would’nt have to work! I’ve had a really tough couple of years - I lost my both my dad and best friend to cancer a year apart, my dog had to be put to sleep and my eldest son got himself in trouble. Partner was no support through any of this, I went through it alone.
I cook, clean, food shop, tidy, wash, iron, sort the dogs, etc etc basically everything that keeps the household running. If I’m not home (I often have to travel for work) he will cook for himself and leave the kids to sort their own food out (I’ve always left a full fridge) but wouldn’t dream of cooking for them all, saying it’s not his “job”. I can’t remember the last time partner said anything nice to me, he never complements me, or makes an effort with me. Im starting to feel really low about life - I work bloody hard and I don’t mind this, I would just love someone to make my dinner, or make me a cup of tea for a change! I sometimes feel like leaving but don’t want to put the kids through that again - they are keeping me here as they love their stepdad. I feel like im stuck - I turn 50 this year and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this but not sure what to do. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to leave and start over again, and support the kids through it all. Any words of advice would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
StJulian2023 · 17/07/2023 22:25

Sounds like you’d be a heck of a lot happier without him!!

Seddon · 17/07/2023 22:26

Sounds awful. Personally, I'd take the chance for a happier future.

JimnJoyce · 17/07/2023 22:27

what does he bring to your life that is positive?

Icanttellyouanything · 17/07/2023 22:28

So he's been in your children's lives since they were 5, 7, and 9 and treats you all like this. He's a twat.

MichelleScarn · 17/07/2023 22:30

He sounds an arse, bit why do your 17 and 19 year old need their meals made and washing done/tidied up after?

chopc · 17/07/2023 22:32

Are you sure your DC love their step dad? What does he add to any of your lives? He sounds abusive

tescocreditcard · 17/07/2023 22:34

God you must be absolutely desperate for a man to put up with that 😮

crew2022 · 17/07/2023 22:34

Do they know he says it's not his job to cook for them?
But I do agree they should actually be cooking themselves and they should also be taking care of you !! Maybe he is resentful that they do nothing?

TomatoSandwiches · 17/07/2023 22:34

What exactly does his presence in your life provide?
Sounds like he adds more work and strife to it when really partners are supposed to share the burden of life together.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/07/2023 22:35

It doesn't sound like is your parter in anything.

DPotter · 17/07/2023 22:44

He sounds awful. What does he think you should be doing, that you're not ?

He does seem to be doing anything - emotionally or practically

Please don't feel you should stay in a horrible situation like this just because of your children

Epidote · 17/07/2023 22:50

The three of them are taking the piss.
Your kids for not help you out with the house meals etc, and the man you are living with treating you like shit in all the aspects.
Tell you kids to grow and collaborate and get rid of that awful man that do nothing but treat you poorly and giving you lectures about parenting etc.
It won't be easy but you will win your peace back.

CallMeDiaz · 17/07/2023 23:12

Wow, calling him a 'partner' seems to be...well, very kind to him. In what way is he actually acting as your partner?

thatsn0tmyname · 17/07/2023 23:19

And you're still with him because.....?

littlecats · 17/07/2023 23:24

I’m sure your kids would prefer you to leave a man who makes your life more difficult than stay just for them. Even if they don’t think it through now, they will when they’re older. It’s also good role modelling.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2023 23:28

What do they love about him exactly?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2023 23:31

You wouldn't be starting over, op, you'd be moving on to a happier future.

You should know by now not to waste a single moment of your life, nevermind years on a man who doesn't deserve you. Make a plan and get out.

Clingymcclang · 17/07/2023 23:31

I’m really sorry you lost your dad, friend and dog, so tough to go through that without support, hugs.

MuthaBacon · 17/07/2023 23:32

Partner has a really successful business, and will often say that if they were his own kids he would fully financially support them and I would’nt have to work!

Oh aye - and if my granny had balls she's be my grandad. He's full of shit as well as being a useless cunt. Honestly, what does he add to your life? Don't put up with it, you deserve better!

SmokedGlass · 17/07/2023 23:32

Just tell him to do one
you deserve much more

Mari9999 · 18/07/2023 02:33

@lovelife50
You don't mention anything positive that he brings into your life, but you say that your kids love him.
It sounds as though even though he does not cook for them. he must do something positive that makes them love him.

On the flip side, kids usually love both of their parents even as they separate and divorce.

What value does he add to your life? If the negatives out weigh the positives, you may have your answer.

You must be a strong woman to manage your life as well as you do. You will probably come out ok regardless of whatever decision that you make regarding your relationship. Your strength may be a significant part of what your partner finds attractive about you. He may need you to be very specific about your needs in terms of emotional support.

If he is not providing the agreed upon share of financial support, that is a discussion that you should have immediately. It can be difficult to separate things fairly when you have children that are not your partners children.

It really sounds like its time for a very specific conversation to take place regarding your needs and expectations. Just have that conversation knowing that you can handle the situation regardless of the outcome.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/07/2023 02:39

Icanttellyouanything · 17/07/2023 22:28

So he's been in your children's lives since they were 5, 7, and 9 and treats you all like this. He's a twat.

This.

Some "partner."

Bin.

Archeron · 18/07/2023 02:41

Most of the stuff you’re doing is your responsibility though? You have 3 people’s laundry to do and he only has 1 person’s laundry. You’re cleaning mess from 3 people and he’s only cleaning mess from 1 person. And even if he cooked your dinner you still wouldn’t get a night off because you’d have 2 kids to cook for. YABVU to expect him to cook for your kids when you’re out. They aren’t his problem!

Grimchmas · 18/07/2023 02:46

Echoing the others; he's not a partner in any meaningful sense. He's not a kind man.

Grimchmas · 18/07/2023 02:55

@Archeron I don't think any reasonable person who has been a partner for 12 years and watched their partner's kids grow up would avoid doing absolutely everything basic for the kids and for their partner.

Even if you go by the strictly not his responsibility school of thought, he isn't upholding his own responsibility. He's being cooked for almost every day. He doesn't clean his own home ever or by his strictly "correct" 1/5th, he doesn't wash his own clothes or every 5th wash load, he doesn't even iron his own damn shirts.

He withdraws from the bank daily and never makes any deposits, nor even cooking for his partner of 12 years when she is working a particularly late day. What the fuck type of quality of partner is that? I wouldn't even call him a low quality partner, because in no meaningful way is he contributing to a partnership.