Partner tells me I don’t do enough despite working a 50 hour week

[lovelife50]

Apologies in advance for the long post!! My partner of 12 years tells me I don’t do enough, despite the fact I work a 50 hour week in an often stressful career, have 3 children (21, 19,17) from a previous marriage, the youngest 2 live with us full time and don’t see their dad, nor does he contribute anything towards them financially (and hasn’t done for 10 years but that’s a whole other post…) so I have to work to support them all. Partner has a really successful business, and will often say that if they were his own kids he would fully financially support them and I would’nt have to work! I’ve had a really tough couple of years - I lost my both my dad and best friend to cancer a year apart, my dog had to be put to sleep and my eldest son got himself in trouble. Partner was no support through any of this, I went through it alone.
I cook, clean, food shop, tidy, wash, iron, sort the dogs, etc etc basically everything that keeps the household running. If I’m not home (I often have to travel for work) he will cook for himself and leave the kids to sort their own food out (I’ve always left a full fridge) but wouldn’t dream of cooking for them all, saying it’s not his “job”. I can’t remember the last time partner said anything nice to me, he never complements me, or makes an effort with me. Im starting to feel really low about life - I work bloody hard and I don’t mind this, I would just love someone to make my dinner, or make me a cup of tea for a change! I sometimes feel like leaving but don’t want to put the kids through that again - they are keeping me here as they love their stepdad. I feel like im stuck - I turn 50 this year and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this but not sure what to do. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to leave and start over again, and support the kids through it all. Any words of advice would be much appreciated!

You're not putting your 'kids' through anything if you broke up. They're grown up and I'm sure they will survive!

Your husband sounds like a knob of the highest order.

Seriously, stop putting everyone else above yourself.

Another vote for knob here. He's awful and he's turned you into a skivvy. You really are worth a lot more than this. So sorry for your loss

He doesn't sound great but your kids sound worse!

He sounds awful but you sound like a martyr!!
I wholly understand when people say they want to stay in a relationship with their children's father until they reach adulthood however your children* *are almost grown and he is their step dad!
With regards to cooking meals, I would cook for them if it was something I would be doing for myself but I would expect at 17 & 19 they would be more than capable of feeding themselves sometimes, I don't actually disagree with your partner on this one. They don't need a live in maid/cook.

What exactly is he bringing to the proverbial table

He has lived with you and your children for years. But you and your children are somehow completely separate entities to him.

The children might love him but he obviously doesn’t love them if he can’t make them a single meal when you are not there

Whose house do you live in? Is it rented or bought and in whose name

I would be starting to prepare for the inevitable moving and go before you are pushed.
You will all be so much happier. Not having to listen to nasty remarks

Prime example of a Martyr who has created a rod for her own back. I dont believe for a moment your DCs love their stepdad, he doesn't even see them as his. They're not stupid - they know. & despite him pointing out they aren't his so not his responsibility, youre still with him?Picking up a man who isn't into your children then slogging your guts out as if you're a single parent. Get out of this ridiculous situation and start modelling properly, decent relationship values to your children.

A man by any means necessary is a rubbish outlook and way to live

It sounds harsh but you have to ask if this is what you want your life to look in 10 years.

Your kids need to show a bit more initiative and you need to get rid of him. Life is way too short for this rubbish.

Stop being a martyr - you've given them no responsibility! There's 4 of you to split cooking the evening meal - sit down as a family, menu plan and create a rota. Whoever cooks the other 3 of you wash up/dishwasher/tidy kitchen. They should be doing their own laundry - stop doing it. That's the bare minimum!

This👆
Why oh why are your kids not contributing to your load?

Come on woman, talk to them & work out a plan for chores/cooking for themselves.

Do you feel able to confide in them about your frustrations & issues with your DP! If you then decide to kick him out, they are forewarned.
Kids are resilient. Teenagers are self absorbed. They fly the nest!

Frankly, I’d kick him out today but you gotta do it in your own time. Eventually you’ll burst and it’ll happen. Why wait?

Z O M B I E

T H R E A D

Not going to read the full thread, but bugger me…you don’t know what to do?
You are being taken for a mug and have allowed this man to enslave you. His attitude to your children alone would have been a fucking big NO from me, years ago.

You don’t specify what more your partner wants you to do. Given you do everything and he does fuck all I can’t imagine what it could be.

I’m reasonably sure your teens have the same opinion of him as everyone in the thread but they don’t want to upset you.

The step parent board would 100% agree with your partner. They are adamanelty against a step parent doing anything for step parents and very clear that they should never ever pay a single penny towards the step children. The fact he stays with them while you are away would make most of that board very angry. They would say you are using him and that no step parent should ever be responsible for their step children. Most would support him not cooking for them or doing anything extra. Most people not on that board would probably think he should do something but if you visit the step parent board you will see that others who are step parents would back your husband 100%.

Don't use your nearly adult/nearly adult children as an excuse to maintain the status quo. You are clearly unhappy, it is up to you to improve your life and it seems ditching the unsupportive arse of a partner would be a huge step in achieving this.

Your kids won't be living with you forever. They may have to move for college/uni/work and they are definitely old enough to look after themselves or even....have a meal ready for you now and then when you get home from another long work day. If you were to leave your partner they are old enough to decide whether to maintain their relationship with him. Speaking of him, what, exactly do you get out of your relationship ? He doesn't offer you emotional ,practical or financial support so what's the point of him ?