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Original poster

Partner tells me I don’t do enough despite working a 50 hour week

90 replies

lovelife50 · 17/07/2023 22:23

Apologies in advance for the long post!! My partner of 12 years tells me I don’t do enough, despite the fact I work a 50 hour week in an often stressful career, have 3 children (21, 19,17) from a previous marriage, the youngest 2 live with us full time and don’t see their dad, nor does he contribute anything towards them financially (and hasn’t done for 10 years but that’s a whole other post…) so I have to work to support them all. Partner has a really successful business, and will often say that if they were his own kids he would fully financially support them and I would’nt have to work! I’ve had a really tough couple of years - I lost my both my dad and best friend to cancer a year apart, my dog had to be put to sleep and my eldest son got himself in trouble. Partner was no support through any of this, I went through it alone.
I cook, clean, food shop, tidy, wash, iron, sort the dogs, etc etc basically everything that keeps the household running. If I’m not home (I often have to travel for work) he will cook for himself and leave the kids to sort their own food out (I’ve always left a full fridge) but wouldn’t dream of cooking for them all, saying it’s not his “job”. I can’t remember the last time partner said anything nice to me, he never complements me, or makes an effort with me. Im starting to feel really low about life - I work bloody hard and I don’t mind this, I would just love someone to make my dinner, or make me a cup of tea for a change! I sometimes feel like leaving but don’t want to put the kids through that again - they are keeping me here as they love their stepdad. I feel like im stuck - I turn 50 this year and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this but not sure what to do. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to leave and start over again, and support the kids through it all. Any words of advice would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
AIBot · 18/07/2023 08:31

Feel for you 💐 Can you take some holiday or sick leave to get your thoughts together? It must be hard working so many hours to keep a healthy perspective.

Hibiscrubbed · 18/07/2023 08:50

He’s an abusive, selfish cunt.

I’m sure your kids will get over the extraction of a man who refuses to feed them when you’re not around…

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/07/2023 08:55

He’s a prick. You’ve been together long enough that he should consider you a family. He doesn’t. Is seriously consider splitting and until then I would do nothing for him at all. Make a point of leaving his washing and not cooking/making him a cup of tea etc

AlligatorPsychopath · 18/07/2023 08:58

So what exactly is the point of him? Toss him overboard, he's dead weight.

Your kids are on the point of launching into adulthood, and he's not even their father. If the love between them is that deep, they can maintain their relationship without you easily. Plus they should be capable of doing their own cooking and clearing up by now anyway.

Channellingsophistication · 18/07/2023 09:00

Well, your partner is clearly very selfish.

I would actually question whether your children do love him if he behaves like that then clearly he cannot be very supportive of them ever which they will see….?

Archeron · 18/07/2023 09:15

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/07/2023 08:55

He’s a prick. You’ve been together long enough that he should consider you a family. He doesn’t. Is seriously consider splitting and until then I would do nothing for him at all. Make a point of leaving his washing and not cooking/making him a cup of tea etc

I disagree. It doesn’t matter how long they’re together - her kids are still hers and not his. It’s unreasonable to expect him to do stuff for them.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 18/07/2023 09:17

FFS will people please stop throwing around the word ‘abusive’ as a catch all for every fucking useless, lazy, selfish tosser?

This man is an ocean-going cunt but he’s not actually abusing anyone, is he? He’s just opting out of doing anything whatsoever for any of the people who constitute his family and with whom he shares a home and a life. That’s not abuse. It’s the kind of shitty, selfish no-effort relationship many women are prepared to tolerate but it’s not abusive, and to label it that weakens the meaning of the word and minimises the lived experience of the thousands of people who really are living in mentally, emotionally, financially and physically abusive situations.

OP, IME 50 is a huge watershed, a time of reckoning. It’s that point in life when your truly understand that the majority of your years are behind you and those you have left are incredibly precious. Change is scary, but ask yourself: is this really what you’re prepared to settle for until there’s no time left at all?

Newestname002 · 18/07/2023 10:09

@lovelife50

OP, IME 50 is a huge watershed, a time of reckoning. It’s that point in life when your truly understand that the majority of your years are behind you and those you have left are incredibly precious. Change is scary, but ask yourself: is this really what you’re prepared to settle for until there’s no time left at all?

Agree with this. You're allowing yourself to be disrespected by your "partner" who doesn't actually seem to care very much for you if he treats you like this and ignores your children. What do you get from him that you would miss if you were brave enough to take stock of your life and move on without him? Also why are you the person who does absolutely everything for children aged 17, 19 and 20 - especially the ones still living at home? Surely they're capable of looking after themselves to some degree (cleaning up after themselves, preparing some of their own food and cooking for you, and also taking some of the load off you?)

Seriously take stock of your life as it is now, including your finances, and see if you really cannot do better by leaving this unsatisfactory relationship, improving your job if necessary for a better salary and helping your children to be more thoughtful towards their own mother.

Change can be hard and a bit scary but if you don't make any changes how will anything improve? 🌹

SunRainStorm · 18/07/2023 10:17

He sounds an absolute prick.

Kick him out.

BarbedButterfly · 18/07/2023 10:29

He sounds horrible but equally I wouldn't be cooking and picking up after the kids at those ages. They should be doing it themselves.

tattygrl · 18/07/2023 10:42

What a scummy bastard. Your kids may love him but I bet they love you more. They are old enough that they could continue a relationship with him even if you two did part, and they're also old enough to understand that your happiness is the most important thing, and way more important than sustaining a shitty relationship. You'd be setting them a good example by leaving a bad relationship. Don't teach them that staying in a miserable situation to keep others happy is the right thing to do.

euff · 18/07/2023 10:43

Don't stay for your kids. He seems awful and doesn't seem to care for you. It's probably far more stressful and tiring doing all you are living with someone like that than living alone.

euff · 18/07/2023 10:45

Something else I seem to be picking up from these threads is that if we don't respect ourselves our kids won't respect us. They take for granted that you will be there doing everything and putting yourself last and fawn over the person who does the least for them but is probably the loudest about what little they do.

loislovesstewie · 18/07/2023 11:19

Get rid of him, the cooking alone, it might not be his job, but he seems to do nothing that could be considered helpful or pleasant.

billy1966 · 18/07/2023 16:28

Unfortunately when you behave like a skivvy with zero respect for yourself, for those around you, you really can't be surprised that they treat you poorly.

God love you that this is all you think you deserve.

A lazy selfish man and lazy unappreciative children.

Allow this to continue to be your life or make the changes necessary to improve things.

It's really up to you.

mcmooberry · 18/07/2023 16:35

You honestly deserve better. I am exhausted reading your post. That man has been in your children's lives for 12 years and he won't cook for them?????

He sounds awful, WTF does he want you to do on top of what you already do?

Your 17 and 19 year old are hopefully helping you out, no reason they couldn't be cooking, helping clean and taking the dogs out.

Would advise you to leave, it sounds like it should be financially do-able.

Feverly · 18/07/2023 16:44

What on earth did I just read 🤢
What a vile, misogynistic example of a relationship you’ve given your kids. I bet they do not in fact ‘love’ your boyfriend (he’s not a stepdad). Value yourself. You need to do loads of work on your standards and self esteem before dating anyone again, this is ridiculous and there’s no need for it. Obviously just dump him without a second thought.

SunRainStorm · 18/07/2023 17:16

What is he for?

What does he contribute?

End it.

Also - Your DC are old enough to take turns at cooking dinner themselves. Do they pitch in with chores?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/07/2023 17:47

@Archeron seriously? After 12 years of them all living together you wouldn’t expect your partner to cook for everyone if he was cooking? Or offer a cup of tea if he was making one? These kids were 5&7 when he moved in; I’m guessing the relationship had been going for a while before he moved in, so they have known him virtually all of their lives.

You would honestly think it was ok for your long term partner to be that much of a selfish self serving prick to behave that way? Jesus your standards must be low.

This is exactly why you see the threads on here of women not expecting men to behave like decent human beings and asking whether or not that’s ok because they don’t even trust their own judgement any more.

LittleOwl153 · 18/07/2023 17:54

It's not his job to cook for them anymore than it is your job to cook, clean, do laundry etc for him.

He's taking the piss and reminding you of this on a regular basis. Your kids will be happier without him. The only thing that would stop me shifting immediately is if you cannot afford to stay in the area which would disrupt your youngest schooling given they are potentially at crucial stages. But there is no way I'd live with that level of selfishness into old age!

TitoMojito · 18/07/2023 18:08

Stardump himStar

misssunshine4040 · 18/07/2023 18:10

I would absolutely bin him of and get your adult children to pull their weight more.
They can financially contribute and do their fair share of household duties

Dotcheck · 18/07/2023 18:13

What else does he think you should do?

SwordToFlamethrower · 18/07/2023 18:19

Throw out the trash. Unburden thyself!

Be free, be happy.

CombatBarbie · 18/07/2023 18:20

Wow! I'd stop making his meals for a a start. Id implement a cooking schedule as everyone is old enough to cook.... And a cleaning one.

And ditch him