Oh dear lord I need to vent!

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Long time user and poster, but have NC to avoid outing. Though, I'm sure some of the story will be outing anyway!

I have been with DP 10 years. Some of that time has been a bit grim, some really great, mostly Ok. For the most part we make a good team.

DP has had a dog since it was a pup - it was 9 when we met, so we are now the custodians of a very old dog. DDog has dementia, as is to be expected. He also struggles to walk any more than a few metres, and has accidents in the house if we are not on hand to let him out - 1s and 2s. He is 'healthy' just old.

So, the last five years at least we have done nothing, for fear of DDog passing while left alone, of falling and being unable to get back up (this stresses him out). More recently he has had a couple of seizures, from which he recovers.

I don't think, in the last 6 months at least, either of us has had a full nights' sleep. My DP comes to bed very late (after midnight most nights). I go to bed by 10.30pm as I get up for work around 5.45am. I also have an auto-immune disease that causes awful fatigue, but at a level I'm now used to, so can function with. Just.

Recently tensions have been high. We are both tired. I try not to snap but I get snapped at, not helping out properly or doing things right, sighing if I'm fed up. I'm not innocent, I know, and me 'fighting back' is relatively new for our relationship. When I do he tells me not to let my emotions ruin things, and, grossly, not to 'get moist' over things.

DDog picked up fleas at the in-laws (they knew they had a flea problem but didn't think to tell us). We didn't notice for a week until, it seemed quite suddenly, DDog was covered in black gritty bits - flea poop. This was the Saturday night, so on the Sunday I went out and got loads of shampoo, some frontline, flea combs, etc., and £75 later spent over an hour shampooing DDog, combing him, getting him clean, then drying him and applying the treatment. Well, that was all good until a couple of days later "you didn't do his tail". No, I didn't - I must have been too concerned with the rest of him. "He still has some under his chin". He didn't when I'd washed him. Turns out, in the week between visiting the in-laws and us noticing, we have an infestation. So I got spray for the house, which we've used.

Last night was it for me. I went to bed around 9.30pm, I was shattered. For two hours all I heard was DP moaning at the dog for whining (the dementia causes this and there is nothing that stops it). He put him out, brought him in, shouted (not loud, more just raised voice), and the cycle continued. Come 11.30pm ish, DP went into the spare room (we are in a bungalow, wooden floors, this room is next to bedroom). He dropped something. Yes it was accidental, but I sighed, I hadn't had any sleep. Well, that was it, he was going to go out for a drive, not have me sighing at him, he didn't give a f**k what I thought. I got up, went into living room, said it's not a good idea for you to go out. He went, came back around midnight. Then he starts combing the dog. Lots of fleas, alive and dead, starts hoovering, says he's going to shampoo him. By this time it's 00:30, I said I'm going to sleep in the car. I'm 38, earning a good salary and in a good job, and slept in the back of my car. I got a couple of hours eventually. Went in at 5.30am. Ready to leave at 6.30am. He has ripped up a carpet (that was going anyway) and sprayed everywhere with white spirit. Says he was able to work late "like he did before we met" because I wasn't in the house and he didn't have to worry about waking me up.

No, I wasn't in the house. Because I was in the back of my car (seats down so it was ok space wise), on the driveway.

We are both tired, I get that. But I just feel like I am totally coming second to DDog. I get that, too - DP has had him in his life 19 years. I just don't feel important enough. I don't feel like any kind of priority to him. I would never, ever expect him, or let him, sleep in the boot. He could have done all of that today while I'm out at work. I am exhausted today and have done next to nothing in the office.

I don't want to go home.

Can you get the veterinarian to call your husband with concern that dog is suffering?

Bravecto for the fleas - it’s a 3 month treatment in one tablet, but can only be prescribed by a vet, which means you’d be able to have a professional opinion about the dog’s actual quality of life (as opposed to your DP’s idea of what it is).

You are both adults and it's the dog I feel sorry for, living in a toxic household with tetchy humans who can't even work as a team for the sake of the dog. Both of you are going to be stressed. Unfortunately your DP is a bit ignorant about the requirements of dog ownership. I just hope he's going to step up when the old dog needs to go peacefully and timely instead of dying of starvation In his basket.

I agree.
Also arguing about whether the priority is his mates nights out or them doing stuff when the bloody dog is still alive.

Surely the dog is suffering, wouldn't it be best for everyone if he went to the vets...?

If people don’t read the ops first post, so many comments are irrelevant. The dog was 9 when op and her partner got together. For the last 5 YEARS they’ve done nothing n gone nowhere because of the dog’s declining health. Fine if op is happy to put her life on hold for the dog. But her dp is making her life miserable as well as the dog’s. The issues are obviously not just the dog.

As sad as it is, the dog needs to be put to sleep.
Also, does your DP have a completely different working timetable from you? Or just chooses to stay up late at night? Because if the second, he needs to change this and get to bed around the same time as you, so the 3 of you can get some sleep.
And tell your DP he is not a child or teenager, so he needs to face up to the quality of life he is providing for his DDog and DP, which is none at present and he is being selfish.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. I am really grateful.

I completely empathise with DP, I know he is struggling to come to terms with the impending loss of DDog - it is heart breaking, truly, to watch the decline of an animal who was so obedient and full of energy. He is old now, and infirm and incontinent. The decline is getting swifter. We took him to the vets a few months ago as he was urinating blood - she diagnosed a wee infection, said antibiotics, nothing more invasive, read between the lines he won't handle it. That was his first vet visit in 8 years. He has been a very healthy dog! She said aside from his age, poor eyesight, poor hearing and a slight heart murmur, he was 'ok'. He was walking much better then, too. They queried whether he had fluid in his abdomen, but again, no point exploring further. DP is holding on to this, saying he's not ill (I get that, he's not physically ill, but he is old, frail, and mentally not good).

I have read how bad Frontline is, some swear by it, others not. Our cat has it, and it seems to work, but perhaps different for the dog. DP won't entertain going to the vets (already shot me down when I suggested getting some medicated shampoo from them).

I love DDog, very much. I just do not think it is fair to have him living the life he is now - it is no life at all. He can't go for walks, or swimming, which he used to love. There is no joy for him now. He looks sad, all the time. DP said if it was the cat I wouldn't want to PTS, I disagreed - I have made that choice for an animal before, and it was my loss I cried over, not the fact I had given the dignity of a peaceful passing to that animal.

Something has shifted in our relationship since Sunday night, something I can't go back from. I feel like, all along, this has been my place, I feel like I've fooled myself into thinking I meant more to him than I do.

FWIW, we don't argue in front of DDog. He used to know if there was any kind of sadness or anger. Granted he probably doesn't pick up on it the same now, but he might, and I wouldn't want to upset him by getting shouty.

It has been 5 years of nothing. But, actually looking back - we've had one holiday together, in the UK (nothing against that), with DDog, which was lovely. But just one on 10 years. We stopped going out to eat years ago, we maybe go out for a few hours on a Saturday morning, or to his parents. He hasn't been to visit my family in years, perhaps 6 - using DDog as the reason (excuse?). My DNan almost died, he didn't come down. She is in a home now with dementia, she doesn't want to be alive but we can't help her, he says that's not the same. It's not, totally, but it is, too!

I'm just not the priority to him I thought I was. Maybe it's time to move on. How do I leave though and let him go through the devastation of DDog passing alone?

He owns the house, no financial ties, no children. He works from home and is also doing the house up (slowly as we can't replace floors etc. yet, for obvious reasons!). So he goes to bed late and tends to get up late, too. Sometimes he's up when I leave. I realise I have probably painted him as a bit of a monster. I'm sure we're as bad as each other, things did used to be happy. I've just become bitter towards the situation. I feel like I'm being denied a life because we can't do anything together outside of the house. It's suffocating!

How do I leave though and let him go through the devastation of DDog passing alone?

Says he was able to work late "like he did before we met" because I wasn't in the house and he didn't have to worry about waking me up.

Tbh I'd wonder if he was ready for you to go himself. In your position, I think I might bring up the fact that without you there, he had less stress and was able to get on with things. And say that maybe you'd both have less stress apart. That this stressful time has been a useful test of your relationship. Point out that one day you'll be old and sick, and maybe you wouldn't be the best of partners in that situation.
You could still support him if that's what you wanted to do.

Thanks, 80s. I did actually say that to him yesterday morning, that if he got on so much better before we met and lived together, perhaps that would be best for us both. I was happier, too. Certainly than I am now.

Perhaps he knows as well as I do that we can't go on and that we've reached the end of the line, so it's making it worse..

If you use other dog treatments, by the way, watch out for the cat, as many are toxic for cats. (Could also be another argument for you leaving with the cat!)

I think you need to go and stay in a hotel or with friends for a few nights. Be honest tell him you need some sleep and you need a break from the way he is treating you. See how you feel after a few nights sleep. It sounds like you don’t know if he is just like this, or is just grieving.

My God, OP.

You have (are) throwing your life away on a man who doesn’t even really like you (maybe he loves you, but he doesn’t like you), and a dog.

The best years of your life, gone. Do you want to flush even more away?

I don’t say this to be unkind. You deserve so much better.

Thanks, 80s. The cat doesn't actually come in the house, just the utility room (long story, but he's happy!), so hopefully won't come into contact with anything else.

Seems mad this has all come to a head over fleas..!

I think if I were to go, even for a couple of nights, we both know that would be the end. It's inevitable, at least it feels that way

You need Indorex spray for the house and a vet prescribed flea treatment for the dog, not an over the counter one.

As hard as it to let go of a beloved pet, I'd lose respect for my partner if they refused to recognise that the animal's quality of life is poor, and the impact the situation is having on the relationship.

Op, it sounds such a miserable life, a half life. If I was in your shoes I would be making plans to leave and looking for a new home. Everything you have said about him sounds as though he is not interested or invested in a life with you and sounds very unsupportive. I'm sorry, you deserve better.

Do you have any family or friends you could stay with until you sort new accommodation?

Dog needs to be put to sleep. Said as a dog lover.

This is so sad, OP-but the dog is not the problem, your partner is.
If I were you, I would quietly tell him that he needs to decide if he really wishes to be the sole guardian and decision maker for the dog.
If he does, then you withdraw from all involvement (no matter how upsetting this may be for you) and your partner will be solely responsible for all care and decision making. You will then see exactly what kind of man he is, should he allow the poor dog to suffer any longer.
If he agrees that you both will be involved, tell him that you both need to take your dog to the vet. You will then see exactly what kind of man he is, should he downplay the dog's suffering/refuse veterinary input/reject the vet's advice.
In both these situations I would leave. I would also tell the vet exactly how the dog is suffering.

It sounds like you have both accepted the dog is 'old' for at least 5 years! Or it's been an excuse for not going out, not going on holiday, not socialising, not doing anything together. If you don't get a say in the dog's treatment or care then stop being so involved. He doesn't like how you tackled the fleas then he should do it. Tell him he is being cowardly and cruel by denying the dog proper vet care (I would want vet advice before using strong over the counter remedies on such a frail dog)

For your relationship I'm not sure it is much healthier than the dog. At the very least you need to work out a way for you both to get adequate sleep. If you split up you will survive and hopefully you will both find the happiness you deserve

Goodness how stressful. FWIW I also get stressed when beloved pets are on their last legs, DH and I been through a few pets in our 28 years together. I couldn't imagine making that decision especially as fleas are transient, you just need to find the solution and jeep spraying the house as eggs hatch, then they lay eggs so it's dripping that cycle.
I've not had a proper night sleep in years due to children, with ASD and ADHD, so feel your pain but suspect your DH is so very sad DDog is winding down, they both need support
Good luck

It's awful when an animal comes to the end of its life. It's a very real grief and very profound. Grief makes people behave in strange ways.
That said, it's having a very negative impact on your life. You cant sleep in your car. It'll affect your ability to do your job.

You need to have a brutally honest conversation with your DH. I think would be best for all parties concerned to have the dog PTS as traumatic as that will probably be.

After all that and the fact that when the dog dies, he will be off with mates and hasn't mentioned you, says it all. OP you need to leave. Get your ducks in a row and go live a happy life either on your own or later down the line with a man that cares for you and respects you.
I can't believe he happily let you sleep in the car and then went on to say he got loads done because of it. It's as if he's saying sleep out there every night. Very sad.

Thanks, everyone.

We had a big heart to heart last night. Upshot is he is, of course, terrified of losing DDog, but has stood by not wanting to go to the vet or consider PTS as he is "not in pain". I have to respect that, though I will take a step back from things, I think, too, that DP needs to be spending the time with DDog and perhaps mentally preparing himself.

We both acknowledged our relationship is not good any more. We are both struggling with the situation and with our own mental health. For my part, I have said what I need to do is the things I want to do - go for lunch, walks, events, etc., even if that means going alone. I need to get a bit of me back. DP said he didn't mean he didn't want to do things together once DDog has passed, he just didn't say it. I want him to look forward to catching up with his mates, all those things, but I also want to be considered. Said I felt like no kind of priority to him, said Sunday night made me feel awful and caused a huge shift in our relationship. He said it was my choice to sleep out there, he didn't force me to (no, not in such a straightforward way!). He thinks most of what's the matter with me is my auto-immune condition. That's probably not wholly inaccurate, it does play a huge part in my life. Like I said to him, though - I don't have kids, not tied to anyone or anything, and so if I can't live a life that is filled with other things, I don't want to carry on, just sitting at home feeling unwell and fed up. I want to do the things I can, whilst I can. This time last year my health was much better than it is now. This time next year it could be worse than it is today, I don't want to waste any more time.

Anyway, long and short of it is, we're each going to try. I acknowledge that I haven't considered DPs emotions so much towards DDog, perhaps because I've been too concerned with my own. If things work out, great, if they don't great. Either way we have both acknowledged the impact this has had on us, individually and as a couple.

I think I just need to take responsibility for my own happiness and be content with what I can do. If DP wants to come along he is more than welcome, but I can't sit at home just festering "until we can do things" anymore.

You need a break away from the situation. It sounds truly awful, and detrimental to your well being. Relationships should enhance your life, not drag you down and make you ill.

I think I just need to take responsibility for my own happiness and be content with what I can do. If DP wants to come along he is more than welcome, but I can't sit at home just festering "until we can do things" anymore.
My exh was a workaholic, so also never available for family/partner things. When I broke up with him (during and after), I did stuff to take my mind off it - made new friends, tried new experiences and generally got out a lot more on my own. I realised I could also have done a lot of those things alone when we were together. You do get focused on waiting for some imagined time when you can go out with your partner. Coming home to chaos, mess or bad mood takes the shine off things a bit - and there are some "couply" things you miss out on. But doing these things alone is better than not doing them - and you build up your support network.
Don't aim for "content with what you can do", though. Aim for "having as much fun as possible" :)