Oh dear lord I need to vent!

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Long time user and poster, but have NC to avoid outing. Though, I'm sure some of the story will be outing anyway!

I have been with DP 10 years. Some of that time has been a bit grim, some really great, mostly Ok. For the most part we make a good team.

DP has had a dog since it was a pup - it was 9 when we met, so we are now the custodians of a very old dog. DDog has dementia, as is to be expected. He also struggles to walk any more than a few metres, and has accidents in the house if we are not on hand to let him out - 1s and 2s. He is 'healthy' just old.

So, the last five years at least we have done nothing, for fear of DDog passing while left alone, of falling and being unable to get back up (this stresses him out). More recently he has had a couple of seizures, from which he recovers.

I don't think, in the last 6 months at least, either of us has had a full nights' sleep. My DP comes to bed very late (after midnight most nights). I go to bed by 10.30pm as I get up for work around 5.45am. I also have an auto-immune disease that causes awful fatigue, but at a level I'm now used to, so can function with. Just.

Recently tensions have been high. We are both tired. I try not to snap but I get snapped at, not helping out properly or doing things right, sighing if I'm fed up. I'm not innocent, I know, and me 'fighting back' is relatively new for our relationship. When I do he tells me not to let my emotions ruin things, and, grossly, not to 'get moist' over things.

DDog picked up fleas at the in-laws (they knew they had a flea problem but didn't think to tell us). We didn't notice for a week until, it seemed quite suddenly, DDog was covered in black gritty bits - flea poop. This was the Saturday night, so on the Sunday I went out and got loads of shampoo, some frontline, flea combs, etc., and £75 later spent over an hour shampooing DDog, combing him, getting him clean, then drying him and applying the treatment. Well, that was all good until a couple of days later "you didn't do his tail". No, I didn't - I must have been too concerned with the rest of him. "He still has some under his chin". He didn't when I'd washed him. Turns out, in the week between visiting the in-laws and us noticing, we have an infestation. So I got spray for the house, which we've used.

Last night was it for me. I went to bed around 9.30pm, I was shattered. For two hours all I heard was DP moaning at the dog for whining (the dementia causes this and there is nothing that stops it). He put him out, brought him in, shouted (not loud, more just raised voice), and the cycle continued. Come 11.30pm ish, DP went into the spare room (we are in a bungalow, wooden floors, this room is next to bedroom). He dropped something. Yes it was accidental, but I sighed, I hadn't had any sleep. Well, that was it, he was going to go out for a drive, not have me sighing at him, he didn't give a f**k what I thought. I got up, went into living room, said it's not a good idea for you to go out. He went, came back around midnight. Then he starts combing the dog. Lots of fleas, alive and dead, starts hoovering, says he's going to shampoo him. By this time it's 00:30, I said I'm going to sleep in the car. I'm 38, earning a good salary and in a good job, and slept in the back of my car. I got a couple of hours eventually. Went in at 5.30am. Ready to leave at 6.30am. He has ripped up a carpet (that was going anyway) and sprayed everywhere with white spirit. Says he was able to work late "like he did before we met" because I wasn't in the house and he didn't have to worry about waking me up.

No, I wasn't in the house. Because I was in the back of my car (seats down so it was ok space wise), on the driveway.

We are both tired, I get that. But I just feel like I am totally coming second to DDog. I get that, too - DP has had him in his life 19 years. I just don't feel important enough. I don't feel like any kind of priority to him. I would never, ever expect him, or let him, sleep in the boot. He could have done all of that today while I'm out at work. I am exhausted today and have done next to nothing in the office.

I don't want to go home.

My neighbour has a 20yo Papillon, half-blind but otherwise doing well. The small breeds live quite long - the average for a Papillon is 14-16, but that is the average, not the oldest possible age.

At 19, the dog will not be around for very long, poor thing. Your partner could be there when you're old and/or sick, though, OP. How might he treat you then?

Sorry to add drama but Frontline really doesn't work op...
I would plan to either leave, or take ddog to be pts. myself.. But probably both needs to happen.

Next seizure get the vet out. Maybe they can talk some sense into him..

Your DP sounds like an asshole, and his refusal to put a suffering dog to sleep is just cruel and would be a dealbreaker for me.

Your homelike sounds miserable.

I would prefer to live alone.

A bit off topic here but wanted to share this as I'm an expert in fleas, (and as somebody who had a very similar elderly dog and HUGELY sympathises with you both) frontline is shit. the spray for your home won't cut it. We tried soooo many solutions.

Ask your vet for Advocate - it's the only thing that worked for us after a BAD infestation that seemed to last months. You get on prescription only and it disrupts the eggs/lifecycle so they don't hatch. The over the counter stuff doesn't do anything with the unhatched eggs so miss one flea and the lifecycle starts over. It's the only way to get on top of the problem. It's this one: https://www.animeddirect.co.uk/advocate-100-spot-on-for-medium-dogs-weighing-4-10kg-pack-of-6-pipettes?

I wasted time and money for months trying all solutions after moving into a flea infested house with my DDog. The advocate fixed it straight away when nothing else would. And he was absolutely crawling.

Caveat: my experience was a decade ago, so maybe more solutions out there now that actually work. But seeing as the advocate is still prescription only, I don't think you can buy the active ingredient over the counter, so i guess not?

Also, sorry if you know this, but hoover as often as possible. The vibrations kill the eggs too.

Wash all blankets, dog beds etc as often as possible too, boiling.

@ChattermaxFromBluey it does sound like a really bad flea infestation, and if an animal of mine was so badly affected by fleas I’d go to the vet. But I can’t help wondering whether this man is keeping the dog away from the vet, in case he gets told how bad the dog’s quality of life is.

OP your post made me feel nauseous. That’s no way for you to live.

He’s using the dog as an excuse to be an arsehole. And when he does ‘slip away’ there will be something else. I think he’s trying to drive you away.

Get rid of him and be free.

Leaving the dog and the issues around this particular dog aside, your DP doesn't sound like he wants to actively be part of a partnership.

I'm sorry but I honestly think you'd be better off leaving now. Before the dog needs to be put down (and it sounds like it does).

Honestly if my husband started hoovering after midnight when he knew I had work at 5am id leave him. That is horrific. What a horrible man. You've got two bedrooms in your house and you still had to sleep in the car because of his behaviour? That is not ok.

Poor dog. There's no quality of life left is there? And poor you too, having to see it all.

Your DP is being about as selfish as it is possible to get about this and I am absolutely disgusted with him. No matter what his feelings are, he should put them aside and do what is right for a suffering animal. He is being unspeakably cruel by refusing to let the poor dog go.

As a responsible dog owner I've just had to make the hard decision to let my old lab (15 and half) go. His quality of life suddenly went and he started to have some accidents in the house. The vet thinks he had some compression on his spine and could no longer feel when he needed to go.

He went happy, but I know it would have been days before the quality of life balance was not right.

That's what you do. It's the price we pay for loving and looking after our pets - not to let them suffer.

Your dog seems like the balance is not right and your dp needs to man up.

I'm not sure I see a nasty arsehole. I see a man struggling with losing a dog and the two of you are sleep deprived.

Fuck him off op, life is too short

The dog is cared for by both of you, you've been together ten years.
The dog is both of yours, and you have just as much right to making a decision about what's best for the dog as he does.

Dog needs to be put to sleep gently.

Man needs to listen to you and adapt his behaviour. Otherwise, I'd be waving goodbye.

I feel so sad for this dog and I couldn't stay with a man who was so cruel. The ultimate act of love for a pet is letting them go with dignity when they are suffering. Dementia, mobility issues, seizures and double incontinence is not "healthy". When did the dog last get checked by a vet?

I know it's difficult. I've lost enough pets over the years to understand the grief when they die, but allowing the dog to suffer because he's not able to do the right thing is just disgusting.

It's so stressful when you're looking after an animal that's really not well, even more so when you and OH don't agree on the best course of action

We had the same with "The Alley Cat" who was one year old, but we strongly suspect he had FIP. Dealing with his constant diarrhoea and general decline was stressful. He was OH cat, so I could look at his quality of life more objectively. We were in different views about what the next step should be, he was booked in for an ultrasound and I had a view on what should happen if the scan all but confirmed it given how awful the end stage is. OH was more reluctant, even though interestingly he scored AC slightly lower on a quality of life questionnaire we each did.

The final straw was being awoken to AC having violent diarrhoea on the bedroom carpet at 2am. I said to OH there and then that his dignity had gone. AC spent his final night shut in the kitchen as it was easy to clean and was taken up the vet the next morning.

I expect part of OH stress is deep down he knows the end is near and is struggling to accept it. You like me can look at it more objectively, but it's so hard knowing they have to be the one to make the decision. OH struggled badly enough with the AC and we'd "only" had him a year. Your OH dog has been in his life a long time, however while it must be hard seeing him struggle he's the one who can end his discomfort - the fact he's struggling to walk is no life for him and in my opinion his dignity has gone with the toileting in the house - if he's always been clean it must be upsetting for the dog having this happen

Re the fleas, AC came riddled with them despite us being told he'd been flead (I had my trusty nit comb ready for his arrival "just in case") let him settle in for an hour then combed him (my suspicions were already high as he'd been scratching). Yep crawling with fleas. I called the vet and said I NEED something as it was a Friday and no way was I going through the weekend with fleas! They gave us a tablet called capstar and after about 15 minutes the fleas were dropping off AC it was incredible (we based ourselves in the kitchen as easier to clean) I'd be asking the vet for that for your dog

Do you think he'd be more open to discussions about the dogs future if he heard it from a vet? Could you both go and take the dog to get him weighed for the flea treatment and at the same time have a chat with the vet about his issues and "see if there is anything they can do for him".

There needs to be a calm and sensible conversation at a time when emotions are not running high. There needs to be empathy on both sides, and that probably does have to start from your side, however unreasonable he is currently being.

Allowing the dog to starve to death when it eventually cannot eat would be cruel. No loving and responsible pet owner would allow that to happen, to let their supposedly beloved pet suffer for its final days or potentially weeks.

I completely understand how hard this is for him to accept that the end is coming, but taking the decision to euthanase an animal that is suffering is the ultimate act of kindness we can offer our pets. To give them a gentle and peaceful way out instead of letting them linger.

Your relationship may or may not last, that is a separate question.

💐

To add, when was the dog last seen by a vet? Can they offer anything further to help with quality of life?

If the dog is struggling to walk, it could really tarnish his memories of him if it gets to a point where his legs completely go and it turns into an emergency. If it's planned he could have a lovely day giving him all sorts of treats and love before taking him to be quietly PTS.

It's a hideous decision to make for a much loved animal but my mum always says "at least we can do that for animals humans we have to watch suffer". He has the power to stop the dog's suffering and offer him that final act of kindness

Someone has wrote "poor dog" What's poor about it? Wants taking on a long walk
Never sleep in.the car again
It's not safe. You are worth more than the dog! You've tried your best to help and do what's right in thar house it's not

Tell him it's either the dog or you. You pay the bills that means that it's partly your house
Put your foot down. Get rid of the bloody thing.... and the dog!

And the advantage of this is that it requires a visit to the vet for the prescription. The vet can then see the state of the poor animal and advise accordingly.

You sound absolutely lovely.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had such sleep deprivation due to my very old dogs being up all the night barking to empty spaces, drinking water all the time and asking for the toilet all the time, I ended up with a severe brain fog, stuttering and with so much stress due to the lack of sleep I almost lost my job.

Eventually the dogs passed away and after a few months I realised how many things we had put in hold, didn’t do, couldn’t afford to do, etc that ultimately were a big part of why our relationship failed.

We put the dogs before the relationship, we were the adults the dogs were the “babies” so we let the dogs ‘ needs take priority, eventually we got bored, stoped going out together, joined our own hobbies, started traveling separately and ended up not knowing each other anymore after a few years. I look back and want to kick myself for all the times we stayed in not to leave the dogs alone for a few meagre hours.

You are perhaps already there, I would say it is time for relationship counselling as even if the dog dies tomorrow there is much stuff and neglect to unpick from all these years.

I know you can’t suggest this to your partner but I swear that if I ever get Alzheimer’s, I would really appreciate for someone to put me to sleep or let me die of a cold when there is no quality of life and all my nights are spent distressed at things that are not really there.

Dear god OP. I'd take that poor dog to the vet to be put to sleep and pack either his or my bags. Your DP is a nasty, selfish prick.

Poor dog my arse, a dog that manages to live that long has had a very good life. It is obvious the dog is important to both owners otherwise they wouldn’t have put with so much for so many years.