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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I asked why he was on his phone so much and he went crazy.

65 replies

Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 22:50

So long story short I’ve noticed my partner is on their phone a lot lately, I noticed it tonight more when I looked at him everytime he had his phone to the side texting so I simply just said why you always on your phone so much and my god I wish I never did he went ballistic at me swearing raising his voice saying I was accusing him didn’t accuse him once just asked why he was on his phone so much lately he made me feel real uneasy so I just walked away from the situation. This man doesn’t even want me on social media platforms but is on them himself he always is right and I just feel like the whole relationship is really eating me up. I can’t help but think I’m dealing with a narcissist here But I love him that much it seems to be blinding me how do I even leave a situation like this why am I so weak for this man any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 22:52

Huge red flag op. 🚩

I'd be off

supercali77 · 15/07/2023 22:55

What do you mean you aren't allowed on SM platforms? Have you removed yourself from them?

Whatever he's doing on his phone

  1. You can be on whatever sodding SM platform you like
  2. being screamed at in response to a basic question is totally inappropriate
  3. Loving someone doesn't mean they're either decent or right for you
supercali77 · 15/07/2023 22:56

Ime, the value you hold for yourself is where you'll let people treat you. Low self esteem = allowing people to treat you like crap bevause you don't think you're worth much more. Build your self esteem and you won't think twice about telling him to f off.

StillPerplexed · 15/07/2023 22:58

If his first thought is that you're accusing him of something, then he's feeling guilty about something...

Either way, you know a good relationship has to be built on a foundation of trust and communication. If he blows up over a question, then staying with hin is only going to be more miserable as time goes on.

Original poster
Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 22:59

I don’t have social media no I haven’t for the last 3 years just because he doesn’t want me on their, he’s been on it the whole time and I say if that’s what you want from me why are you on it turns into a massive argument and he gets his own way again and even actually I shut up about it untill another argument arises I can imagine anyone reading this sees me as weak I admit I am I cannot leave this man it is like I’m a puppet on his strings he says jump I say how high I was so strong minded before him now I don’t even know who I am anymore.

OP posts:
StillPerplexed · 15/07/2023 23:05

Having a bit of distance could help you get your head straight. A weekend away with family or a friend perhaps?

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 15/07/2023 23:07

🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:08

I cry more times than I am happy and I am always on egg shells when he’s around wondering what kind of mood he’ll be in when he’s happy he can’t be no better I feel amazing with him when he’s not I sense it I feel it I feel on edge and like I can’t even breathe wrong around him without getting shouted at or name called. Any name under the sun I’ve been called it by him I sometimes look at myself and think why does he even want me when I am this bad I never react how he does never give it back sometimes I really feel like just blowing but I’m scared I’ll loose him how sad really is that he walks all over me yet I’m scared to loose him am I mental??? Is this even normal I’m not a bad women I do right by him meals on the table every night everything he wants it’s their when he needs it I have to put in 4 weeks notice just for him to grab some dog food it feels so one sided so controlled becoming so miserable to the point I feel I don’t know myself anymore it’s just not me at all he’s slowly taking my shine and because I love him so much I just can’t let him go anyone in similar situations and come out the other side have any advice for me.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 23:08

You put one foot infront of the other. End it ànd take it day by day.

He's cheating or looking to. Hense his reaction.

Even if he wasn't, his behaviour is awful.
Life's too short op. Rip off the bandaid.
And put distance between you.

Original poster
Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:10

I don’t even have any friends I cut them all of when I got with him things seemed better that way but clearly not now!😒

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 23:12

And you don't love him op.
You love the idea of the person you wish he was.
But he's not that person.
He's not the good days.

Anymore than an actor is the character he plays.

He's a monster who sometimes wears a mask. But the mask is not real. The monster is.
Don't be fooled any longer.

ConnieTucker · 15/07/2023 23:14

Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:10

I don’t even have any friends I cut them all of when I got with him things seemed better that way but clearly not now!😒

Youre choosing to stay in a shit relationship. Why?

MuggleMe · 15/07/2023 23:17

Dude, there is an actual red blanket draped over you, RUUUNNN!!!

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 23:18

Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:10

I don’t even have any friends I cut them all of when I got with him things seemed better that way but clearly not now!😒

You'll make new friends.

You can start fresh :) we all have to start over sometimes. Yes it's hard. But it gives you a chance to get to know yourself and find your strength again.

Original poster
Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:18

I really don’t have an answer for this everytime I feel strong enough to leave he woos me again and I fall for it every time!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2023 23:20

This isn't love, it's Stockholm syndrome.

And now he's playing away as well.

Batalax · 15/07/2023 23:21

But how can you love someone who treats you like that? Some deep seated reasons obviously, that you need counselling to understand. Please ring womens aid for advice.

You really need to get away.

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 23:26

Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:18

I really don’t have an answer for this everytime I feel strong enough to leave he woos me again and I fall for it every time!

Start learning all you can about narcissists (npd), sociopaths and abusers in general

Doctor ramani on YouTube does good videos.

(Note: do not ever use the word narcissist near him or let him overhear what you are learning about- this is very important. As he would use it against you).

Keep learning. Until you understand the darkness of these sorts. Until you see him for what he truly is. Then his appeal will be lost. It'll be like looking at a slimey toad to even think of him.

You just loosen his grip.
Get him gone and spend a few weeks down the YouTube rabbit hole.

Acornsoup · 15/07/2023 23:29

Run OP 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:30

He also pretty much always bring up my past from 7+ years ago I don’t have an explanation for him nor do I feel I should have to give him one every argument it is thrown in about past relationships I have had nothing to even do with him or us it’s the past he can’t seem to accept yet knew all about my past before we became a thing.

OP posts:
PurpleParrotfish · 15/07/2023 23:38

I have never needed this book mussel but I know it has helped many women on MN escape abusive relationships.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1689460522&refinements=p_27%3ALundy+Bancroft&s=books&sr=1-1

PurpleParrotfish · 15/07/2023 23:40

Sorry posting on my phone without reading glasses - myself not mussel!

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 23:40

It's just standard abuser behaviour to make out you are disloyal/don't care enough ect...

They want you so stuck in the merry go round of defending yourself that you don't see their disloyalties towards you.

ConnieTucker · 15/07/2023 23:41

Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:30

He also pretty much always bring up my past from 7+ years ago I don’t have an explanation for him nor do I feel I should have to give him one every argument it is thrown in about past relationships I have had nothing to even do with him or us it’s the past he can’t seem to accept yet knew all about my past before we became a thing.

Of course he accepts it. he just uses it to control you.

again, why are you staying in a shit relationship? Who choose that?

MenoRageisReal · 15/07/2023 23:46

He's abusive. Also likely cheating / by keeping you off SM so you can't see what he's up to.

Once you start reading up about controlling patterns and narcissism, you'll see through everything he does. You need to realise this is all about him for him, he doesn't know what "love" for another person really is - we are just objects to be manipulated.

Please leave him once and for all. No one should have to live on eggshells.