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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I asked why he was on his phone so much and he went crazy.

65 replies

Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 22:50

So long story short I’ve noticed my partner is on their phone a lot lately, I noticed it tonight more when I looked at him everytime he had his phone to the side texting so I simply just said why you always on your phone so much and my god I wish I never did he went ballistic at me swearing raising his voice saying I was accusing him didn’t accuse him once just asked why he was on his phone so much lately he made me feel real uneasy so I just walked away from the situation. This man doesn’t even want me on social media platforms but is on them himself he always is right and I just feel like the whole relationship is really eating me up. I can’t help but think I’m dealing with a narcissist here But I love him that much it seems to be blinding me how do I even leave a situation like this why am I so weak for this man any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 00:10

Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 23:08

I cry more times than I am happy and I am always on egg shells when he’s around wondering what kind of mood he’ll be in when he’s happy he can’t be no better I feel amazing with him when he’s not I sense it I feel it I feel on edge and like I can’t even breathe wrong around him without getting shouted at or name called. Any name under the sun I’ve been called it by him I sometimes look at myself and think why does he even want me when I am this bad I never react how he does never give it back sometimes I really feel like just blowing but I’m scared I’ll loose him how sad really is that he walks all over me yet I’m scared to loose him am I mental??? Is this even normal I’m not a bad women I do right by him meals on the table every night everything he wants it’s their when he needs it I have to put in 4 weeks notice just for him to grab some dog food it feels so one sided so controlled becoming so miserable to the point I feel I don’t know myself anymore it’s just not me at all he’s slowly taking my shine and because I love him so much I just can’t let him go anyone in similar situations and come out the other side have any advice for me.

You remind me of the girl in that Ashanti foolish video. Watch that!

Poor you, he has really worn you down and isolated you. You are going to need to leave this guy just because you love him isn't a reason to stay with someone who treats you terribly. Please tell a close friend or someone else you trust what's happening and make a plan to leave safely he sounds like the type
That could get violent

toochesterdraws · 16/07/2023 00:18

Laceymae33 · 15/07/2023 22:59

I don’t have social media no I haven’t for the last 3 years just because he doesn’t want me on their, he’s been on it the whole time and I say if that’s what you want from me why are you on it turns into a massive argument and he gets his own way again and even actually I shut up about it untill another argument arises I can imagine anyone reading this sees me as weak I admit I am I cannot leave this man it is like I’m a puppet on his strings he says jump I say how high I was so strong minded before him now I don’t even know who I am anymore.

You're not weak, this is a result of what he's done to you. Over a period of years, he has systematically and deliberately taken you apart and completely destroyed your identity and sense of self worth.

Please, please find the strength to get away from him. Your life will be so much better.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 00:22

Call womens aid - please don't tell him you're leaving until you've gone

Mumtothreegirlies · 16/07/2023 00:22

You’re in an abusive relationship OP which will only escalate and could become violent. Men like this often end up killing their partners.
my father was like this to my mother, he started off by making her quit all her hobbies, then her job and then he cheated on her, and once he held a crossbow to all our heads. My mother was never the same women again.
please please please leave him.
you deserve real love. Someone who is your biggest fan and instead of denying you access to social media likes all your posts and laughs with you at others peoples posts. You deserve someone who’ll hold your hand and wave you off when you’re about to go on a weekend away with your friends and congratulate you when you get a promotion. Love isn’t about owning someone the way your partner owns you.

Catoo · 16/07/2023 01:24

So sorry OP.
He’s cheating and you probably know this already. All that anger, he’s training you not to question him ever again.
Obviously a complete narcissist. They are difficult to get over and leave because they do make you feel amazing when they are on form. But it isn’t real. They future fake, control you, cheat, lie, gaslight and have no conscience.
When you get away and break the spell it’s amazing. They always try to get you back but if you grey rock them they get bored and give up. You’ll do it one day. Xx

QwertyWitch · 16/07/2023 01:30

Leave as soon as you can and live a life you deserve.

CallieQ · 16/07/2023 01:43

Run for the hills OP

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 16/07/2023 10:24

Leave as soon as you can and never ever speak to him again.

You can make new friends and a new life. It might take a while but you will be able to relax and enjoy life again.

Hillrunning · 16/07/2023 10:29

You don't love him. This isn't what love feels like.
He doesn't love you. End things and build a better life for yourself.

Artycrafts · 16/07/2023 10:41

He doesn't want you on SM because you will see what he's up to. Leave him.

BreeTown · 16/07/2023 10:54

Artycrafts · 16/07/2023 10:41

He doesn't want you on SM because you will see what he's up to. Leave him.

This ^

Sounds like he is chatting up other women, hence why he is on his phone all the time.
The fact he doesn't want you on SM is so you can't see what's going on on his profile.

You need to leave. You might love him but he definitely doesn't love you nor respect you.
A partner who loves and respects you wouldn't have exploded like that. They wouldn't be controlling and throwing a fit because you have a SM account and they wouldn't be making you walk on eggshells.

Find your anger and leave! You deserve better, you know you do! WAKE UP! He is NOT worthy of your time, your love, your tears!

Always remember, ANY man that makes you cry and treats you like shit, is a man that is NOT worthy of your time and energy.

Bananalanacake · 16/07/2023 12:14

He cut you off from your friends, he doesn't love you at all. Can you stay with family to get some breathing space.

piedbeauty · 16/07/2023 12:15

Ugh, op, this man is a controlling dickhead. Dump him and get some counselling or do the Freedom Programme.

Original poster
Laceymae33 · 16/07/2023 12:20

I don’t like to go to family because I don’t want them to know the situation makes me look weak this man really is taking his toll on me he says if I go on SM then he would loose all respect for me as a women sorry he has it what is the difference he has literally woke up this morning and called me a sl**g and the rest because I keep bringing things up these things aren’t minor they hurt he’s making it so I can’t say anything to him without me getting the back lash I can’t even explain in 100 messages what this man has put me threw or how I genuinely makes me feel and everytime he says about leaving me I run back to him it’s apsolutely crazy and I can’t live like this anymore he says I must be asking him about his phone because I am up to something myself coming from the man who has my passwords to everything and doesn’t want me on certain things how could I be doing anything??? But once he think I am it makes me go above and beyond to prove to him i just need to get some balls and leave but it’s so much more easier said then done coming up 4 years now and I am half the women I ever was before I met him no life no friends it’s all him.

OP posts:
newfriend05 · 16/07/2023 12:29

Leave now OP .. your in a controlling relationship which will
Just get worse over time ..don't waste any more time .. yep you have a narcissist right there .

Tresto · 16/07/2023 12:35

Do you have children together?

Do you have relatives who love and care for you?

Do you have a job?

Do you own a house together?

What exactly is stopping you leave? Tell us the issues and we will try and help you with a plan.

Acornsoup · 16/07/2023 12:40

If I was you I would cut my losses and go to a refuge until you are ready to talk to someone close to you. You are so entrenched in his power than you are minimising the damage he is doing to you. Ever thing he says to you is to control you, he has cut you off from everyone.

OP please get some help

morbidd · 16/07/2023 12:52

It sounds like you have reached your breaking point OP.

This is good, as you have now got onto the right path of thinking about your needs.

What you need to do now, is imagine your life without this abusive man.

Think of the peace, the endless possibilities available to you. The people you could meet, the things you could do without treading on eggshells. The life you could make.

Then hold onto that and plan your escape.

I have been where you are and completely understand how scary this step is. You probably feel worthless and that you can't do any better. But you deserve the world.

Keep communicating on here and we can all help you with a plan.

HairMb · 16/07/2023 12:59

Op please leave him!! Your life will dramatically improve!!

Superdupes · 16/07/2023 13:14

If you don't feel able to tell your family the whole awful, abusive story then don't OP. But go anyway and tell them 'you're not getting on' or 'you're not feeling it any more' or something vague like that.

They must have some idea though OP, you've cut off all your friends and stopped all SM - I mean, nothing screams abusive relationship louder than that surely?

Go to your family, get your old friends back and just tell them you were in an abusive relationship but you're not up to talking about it, or find new friends for yourself. But please get out of this OP, it's not love, you're just completely emotionally dependent on him right now because he has taken everyone else away from you. Once you're free you'll look back and wonder why the hell you wasted all that time with him. Do the freedom programme too if you can so you don't make the same mistakes again.

Artycrafts · 16/07/2023 13:19

Your update has compounded the situation you are in. He's doing the classic gaslighting. Every day you stay with him is another day of your life wasted. How long before his violence gets physical?

oi0Y0io · 16/07/2023 13:22

You are trauma bonded to this man and he is playing you like a fiddle.

Original poster
Laceymae33 · 16/07/2023 13:22

Yes we have a child together he is nearly 3 wouldn’t say his the reason I stay as it isn’t all this it is me in my head the man has me so attached I feel like I’ll die without him does that sound crazy? I never reach out like this to anyone but enough is enough

OP posts:
Artycrafts · 16/07/2023 13:26

You've realised you need to get out. Now start taking the practical steps by getting any paperwork you will need. You can do this xxx

Pinkbonbon · 16/07/2023 13:28

If you constantly look to someone else's mood to govern your mood then...

When they are angry, you are scared, you release stress hormones or fear hormones. When they are happy, you feel relaxed.

So the reason you feel like you'll die if they aren't around is your body won't have a framework for when it's supposed to be a certain way anymore.

You look to the cause of your suffering to relieve the suffering! So iyour body will feel like a bit like stepping if a roller coaster you've been on forever and not knowing wtf is next.

But you will adjust.

You have to stop looking to the cause if your pain in order to stop hurting. You have to go cold turkey from the addiction. In time your hormones will readjust.