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Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants kids....

57 replies

4ndy · 15/07/2023 15:34

My fiancé and I have been together 7 years, we love each other very much and have from the beginning been on the same page with starting a a family. She is 35 I'm 37

We talked agreed we were ready, we did start trying, no pressure just going with the flow. She was excited, had bought a few things, has pregnancy test ready etc. But then she would say we need more savings, or need to finish the diy in the house, putting it off multiple times, now we have more savings and the house is complete.

She now has said she doesn't see herself being a Mum and doesn't think she ever will. It turns out that she was ok to start trying as she knew it was what I wanted. Now I see she doesn't want a family and she is very clear on this, there is no lets see how I feel in a year, it is just a no from her now. We have spoken and there is no reason other than that she wants to focus on her career and just doesn't feel it anymore.

I can't blame her for how she feels as it's not anyone's fault. I am just left not knowing the best thing to do. I still want a family and experience all that it offers, but I do know I will resent and regret not taking an opportunity to have my own family.

If anyone has any views, opinions on this situation I would love to here them as I am so unsure what to do for the best. Thanks

OP posts:
mnlk · 15/07/2023 15:50

You are incompatible and will resent each other if one of you compromises or will resent each other if neither of you compromises. I would end the relationship

AssertiveGertrude · 15/07/2023 15:51

I wouldn’t give up my chance to have children be used of a relationship
it’s hard but it won’t work as it is so I would move on

MrsU2022 · 15/07/2023 15:52

I think you probably already know the answer to this, having said you'd 'resent and regret'. Must be an incredibly tough decision, only you know deep down how to navigate this - good luck.

bibbityboppityboo · 15/07/2023 15:54

If you're going to resent her and wish you had a family then imo you need to leave.

In a relationship the one who doesn't want DC trumps the one who does I think, so if you stay together it's a no DC scenario.

I would be considerate of your ages though, if you're certain you want a family in the future it would be unwise to hang around waiting in a relationship with no possibility of that.

Ponderingwindow · 15/07/2023 15:55

You are fundamentally incompatible. Your life goals do not match. It’s time to end the relationship.

Channellingsophistication · 15/07/2023 15:55

It’s a really tough situation but you will just resent her for taking away that opportunity to have a family. You want different things in your life so ultimately not compatible long term.

I’d never give up my chance for children because of a relationship.

Shapemyeyebrows · 15/07/2023 15:55

@4ndy Well the ball is in your court really. It depends how much you want a family of your own. If you do then you need to accept you are not on the same page, and as much as you love each other, you aren’t pulling together in the same way future wise. So eventually the relationship will probably run it’s course. You aren’t on the same biological clock as a woman so you could stay and let it run it’s course / see if she perhaps changes her mind (with no pressure from you). Or you could leave now. You have different wants and that’s a very big problem to overcome, sometimes you need more than love to make things work.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 15:58

i'd say move on. Having a family is absolutely one of those things you have to be on the same page for

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 15/07/2023 16:01

I still want a family and experience all that it offers, but I do know I will resent and regret not taking an opportunity to have my own family

You've said it all right there. There is no compromise to be had in this situation. I don't see any way forward for you two as a couple.

Anecdotally, I have two (female) friends who were very ambivalent about having children but went ahead because they didn't want to lose their partners. Many years on both will tell you that they made the wrong decision.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 15/07/2023 16:08

Get the house on the market and move on. She can enjoy the bliss of childfree living, you can find a woman who wants a kid. Nothing else to say, the relationship is over, there’s no compromise or halfways when you’re fundamentally incompatible.

Daisylookslost · 15/07/2023 16:10

Yes i would agree move on, in the nicest possible way. Why should you shelve your dream for this person?

Ihadenough22 · 15/07/2023 16:38

Your fiancé and you have been together for a number of years and you put off trying for a child for a few reasons. Now she has decided that she does not want a family.

To be honest I don't think you and her are compatible long term. Perhaps she realised what family life is like with babies ect after seeing friends ect with kid's and it's not the life she wants. If she does not want a family she must understand that it's a possibility that you and her would break up.

Its your decision what to do now. Being honest if you want a family you need to break up with her. You need to decide what happens re the house you share and any joint savings you have. I know that this won't be easy for either of you but it's the right thing to do in these circumstances.
You can go on to meet a woman who wants the same as you.

GreyCarpet · 15/07/2023 16:40

No one calling her a selfish prick for leading the OP on then?

Funny that...

OP, yep, I agree. Sad as it is, this is how it is. Many people (male and female) agree to children when they have private doubts. They love their partner and hope/assume that, at some point its what they'll want too. It's the most natural thing after all... but they just eventually realise they'll never feel any differently.

My closest friend was with a woman who desperately wanted children. They married, bought the house, moved into a four bed detached in a very desirable area a couple of years later. All it did was cement it for my friend that she didn't want children.

They divorced.

Three years on, my friend is living her best live with a lovely woman who doesn't want children either. Her ex wife is now married to a man and has a toddler. Splitting up was the best thing for them.

Good luck.

GreyCarpet · 15/07/2023 16:41

God, just realised, it's closer to 7 years ago that they divorced! Lockdown really messes with your time frame doesn't it!

DimeStoreHooker · 15/07/2023 16:53

GreyCarpet · 15/07/2023 16:41

God, just realised, it's closer to 7 years ago that they divorced! Lockdown really messes with your time frame doesn't it!

You can say that again (about lockdown).

You can be a family without children, and surprised no-one else has said that, however if you do want children you're not suited and it's best to split.

Silvered · 15/07/2023 17:07

Sounds like she was trying to talk herself round but panicking about going through with it at the last moment.

Pretty shit of her not have been honest in the first place. But better to find out now before you are married. Unfortunately this is not something you can compromise on.

Whilst men's fertility lasts much longer than women's, there are risks attached to fathering a child later in life. For this reason if you want children, then you should not waste your healthy fertile years with someone who doesn't want children. Cut your losses.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/07/2023 17:27

Pedants' corner alert.... fiance with one "e" is male, fiancee is female.

Just to let you know as you refer to her this way a lot, people might get confused.... also birthday / valentine cards will be wrong etc.

As you were! 😁

OldTinHat · 15/07/2023 17:40

I'm sorry but you'll have to move on and find a compatible partner. This is too big an issue to compromise over.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/07/2023 17:43

You’re not on the same page anymore. You need to decide how important having a family is for you. Would you be happy never having children. If the answer is no then you have to split

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 17:51

I'd rather have a life with someone REAL who I actually loved than give it up for people that don't actually exist personally.

But to each their own.

Fourlegsandatail · 15/07/2023 17:53

While she’s entitled not to want children I think she’s been very unfair to you to do a 180 on this now.

It’s a shame she has only just realised this though. I have to ask are you sure she isn’t just saying this to initiate a break up? As it’s quite something to go from trying for a baby to never wanting them.

ArcticSkewer · 15/07/2023 17:54

Luckily, as a man who wants kids, you will find someone to settle down with really easily. You could leave now or in a few years, there's no big pressure, but probably best to get it over with sooner rather than later.

Clymene · 15/07/2023 17:55

My view is that your relationship is over. Luckily you're a man so don't have a biological clock ticking as loudly as a woman's does.

I'm sure you'll be able to find someone else to settle down and have children with.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 18:09

@GreyCarpet on no, no. she is definitely an ass for leading him on a she could have said she changed her mind when she actually did - and it sounds like it was awhile ago...instead she made a million excuses

BarelyLiterate · 15/07/2023 18:13

Ultimately, it’s her choice because she would be the one putting her body and her health on the line to have a baby. She’s entitled to change her mind and has done nothing wrong. You, on the other hand, are entitled to not change your mind and to still want a family. You have done nothing wrong.

You and her simply want different things from life, and the reality is that this issue is so fundamental that it is a deal-breaker. The ball is now in your court, and you have a very big decision to make. Stay in the relationship and not be a parent, or leave the relationship & find someone else to have a family with.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.