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Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants kids....

57 replies

4ndy · 15/07/2023 15:34

My fiancé and I have been together 7 years, we love each other very much and have from the beginning been on the same page with starting a a family. She is 35 I'm 37

We talked agreed we were ready, we did start trying, no pressure just going with the flow. She was excited, had bought a few things, has pregnancy test ready etc. But then she would say we need more savings, or need to finish the diy in the house, putting it off multiple times, now we have more savings and the house is complete.

She now has said she doesn't see herself being a Mum and doesn't think she ever will. It turns out that she was ok to start trying as she knew it was what I wanted. Now I see she doesn't want a family and she is very clear on this, there is no lets see how I feel in a year, it is just a no from her now. We have spoken and there is no reason other than that she wants to focus on her career and just doesn't feel it anymore.

I can't blame her for how she feels as it's not anyone's fault. I am just left not knowing the best thing to do. I still want a family and experience all that it offers, but I do know I will resent and regret not taking an opportunity to have my own family.

If anyone has any views, opinions on this situation I would love to here them as I am so unsure what to do for the best. Thanks

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2023 18:26

Why is she still only a fiance after 7 years, and could part of the reluctance be because she wants to be married before having children and doesn't see it happening?

If not and she really doesn't want them at all now, I agree with PPs that you have a hard decision to make - but I'd have a careful conversation first to see if anything else is going on here

supercali77 · 15/07/2023 18:29

I knew someone like this, they stayed and then ended up having an affair, leaving and having kids with the AP. It was an absolute mess. Accept that if you want kids, you need to leave

AutieNOT0tie · 15/07/2023 18:31

She has been honest now you need to decide if you can live with out kids or if it's a deal breaker

FatCatBum · 15/07/2023 18:54

Sorry op but this is a dealbreaker moment. If you want children and she doesn't there is no compromise to be had - one of you gets what they want, the other doesn't, there is no middle ground.

You will end up resenting each other either way so sadly it's probably time to move on

jossi · 15/07/2023 21:27

I agree with pinkbonbon who said, I'd rather have a life with someone REAL who I actually loved than give it up for people that don't actually exist personally' You say you love her dearly. She is entitled to change her view over time. How do you know you will meet someone else you love as much? I believe there are lots of people who are our 'one' but the trouble is finding another person like her. You could have kids with someone you don't love as MUCH as her. Your partner/soul mate is the most important person in any family unit in my view. Think very carefully about this. I have seen people do this and live to regret it.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 21:33

I think chances of meeting someone new, who will be more compatible and therefore more likely to be more loved by OP, are far greater than a successful relationship with someone who is very much not compatible and wasted a good chunk of OPs time leading him on...

give it 6 months and they will be at each other's throats due to frustration and resentment

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/07/2023 21:38

If you want kids and she doesn't then you leave her.

Why not married yet?

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 21:44

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 21:33

I think chances of meeting someone new, who will be more compatible and therefore more likely to be more loved by OP, are far greater than a successful relationship with someone who is very much not compatible and wasted a good chunk of OPs time leading him on...

give it 6 months and they will be at each other's throats due to frustration and resentment

Depends on the person.

Some people find 'compatability' enough to get into and stay in a relationship with someone.

And they find such people easily.

Others want more.
Or don't find compatible people regularly.

If op loves his partner and she doesn't want them..I don't see why kids are relevant. And I'd say the same for women. If your partner is truly someone you love...why would you give that up for an imaginary person?

It's good to have dreams. But if those dreams destroy your relationships then they are toxic af. Find other dreams. Keep the good people in your life by your side. They are real, they matter.

If you'd cast someone away for a gamble at people who don't exist...then that's not love.

jossi · 15/07/2023 21:47

I've had three male friends who have been in your predicament. They have all left woman they were very compatible with and considered their soul mates to find someone who wanted children. They were about your age. Only one of them found someone and he had a child but the relationship with his new partner never matched up and they are not together now. The other two still are on the elusive hunt for the total package. They all tried and failed to get back with their ex partners. I feel strongly about this because these guys are miserable and very regretful. I'm sorry for labouring the point!

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 21:48

@Pinkbonbon I think compatibility is one of the requirements for long lasting love. Dissatisfaction, frustration, lack of fulfilment and being effectively two very different people will kill any warm feelings / love people may have for each other.

OP thought they wanted the same thing (a family, entirely different lifestyle to what she if proposing). This means that, effectively, he loves an imaginary person - because the woman he loves is not the woman who actually exists

picnicbasketandblanket · 15/07/2023 21:54

I felt like this after being in a relationship for years and no engagement.

Had we have been engaged after two years and married after three I'd have been enthusiastic about children.

But not being proposed to for seven years. Yeah, fuck him.

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 21:55

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 21:48

@Pinkbonbon I think compatibility is one of the requirements for long lasting love. Dissatisfaction, frustration, lack of fulfilment and being effectively two very different people will kill any warm feelings / love people may have for each other.

OP thought they wanted the same thing (a family, entirely different lifestyle to what she if proposing). This means that, effectively, he loves an imaginary person - because the woman he loves is not the woman who actually exists

If he only loved her because she could provided him with kids then it wasn't a real love to begin with.

Yes I get the premis that something fundamental about her seems to have changed. And that could mean she is no longer entirely the person he thought and so he may need to sit with things a while and decide how he feels. But who are we to say she's no longer the person he fell in love with.

If I became a tory supporter instead of a Labour supporter, would that mean I was a different person? That the person I was before never existed? Or course not. People change as they age. Sometimes fundamentally. Love grows and changes with them. Or, it doesn't and things end.

picnicbasketandblanket · 15/07/2023 21:56

I should say I did eventually get a proposal and a marriage and I am honestly very very bitter and resentful about it so may not have been the greatest result any way.

Don't leave women's fertility wasting away on a rubbish tip. Actually marry them, if you mean it, within a reasonable timeframe and with an agreement about children up front.

jossi · 15/07/2023 21:56

I agree totally with pinkbonbon when they write, 'If op loves his partner and she doesn't want them..I don't see why kids are relevant. And I'd say the same for women. If your partner is truly someone you love...why would you give that up for an imaginary person?'

I think that is the point. She is not an imaginary person, just a person entitled to change her mind. Surely he has lots of other things they have in common besides children. Having children is a major decision but so is leaving someone who you may never find again. It is such a gamble and one which my three friends are bitterly regretting now.

picnicbasketandblanket · 15/07/2023 21:58

Very very bitter about the length of time waiting. I am definitely not alone in this. Honestly, I think you made your bed. You messed this woman around. Break up, for both your sakes. Find someone you want kids with and make an actual real legally binding commitment in front of people.

User8907 · 15/07/2023 22:03

It's a decision for you to make, are you willing to stay and give up the dream of kids for her. As few others have pointed, you may be lucky and find a perfect match, or you may not. It's not given that even if you find a woman wanting kids, that will happen.

User8907 · 15/07/2023 22:03

I mean kids will happen.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2023 22:05

I'm really sorry that happened to you, picnicbasketandblanket, and it's why I asked if something similar could be going on here

Of course it could be that neither are bothered about marriage, but if that's the case what's the point in them being engaged?

ironorchids · 15/07/2023 22:06

You said she "just doesn't feel it anymore"

What changed?
When did she say she wanted kids? How long ago?

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 22:08

I mean...

Finding someone
*Sane
*compatible
*That you fancy
*That fancies you
*That wants what you want relationship wise

Is no easy task.

Add to that

  • Time constraints regarding fertility
  • They have to want kids (and not change their mind after the relationship progresses)
  • Be able to have them
  • That you love so much that you don't miss your ex and wish she was her.
  • Similar parenting styles and ideas around it.
  • Be a relationship that can handle kids without falling apart.

Sorry but those are pretty slim odds imo.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 22:10

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 21:55

If he only loved her because she could provided him with kids then it wasn't a real love to begin with.

Yes I get the premis that something fundamental about her seems to have changed. And that could mean she is no longer entirely the person he thought and so he may need to sit with things a while and decide how he feels. But who are we to say she's no longer the person he fell in love with.

If I became a tory supporter instead of a Labour supporter, would that mean I was a different person? That the person I was before never existed? Or course not. People change as they age. Sometimes fundamentally. Love grows and changes with them. Or, it doesn't and things end.

Show quote history

i think its a bit more complicated than this, we do love people for how they are. Its not about providing him with children, but the kind of person who wants to have children and prioritises family is very different from the kind of person who doesn't. Neither is bad, its just very different.

Using your example, if there was a fundamental change in views and attitudes that stood behind changing your voting habits then it would be that, not the fact you voted Tory instead of Labour that could end the relationship.

Love is also not something that was less "real" at one point just because it ended as people have changed

WaterBaby9 · 15/07/2023 22:17

This is one of the few things in life that there is no 'middle ground'. There's no compromise or such thing as half a baby if you see what i mean. If you know you need this in your life, as painful as it is, you need to express it clearly and walk away. If you dont you will resent her and if she does, she will resent you.. shit situation, sorry. X

jossi · 15/07/2023 22:18

I think he needs to talk about why she has changed her views on parenting. It seems odd to suddenly want to throw 7 years away just for this factor. It is a major factor but not one that he should throw everything away for. I don't believe he would be with her just to have kids. There seems to be a lot of love between them.

Inastatus · 15/07/2023 22:26

It would be a dealbreaker for me. Having children is one of the biggest life choices you will make and it isn’t one to compromise on.

jossi · 15/07/2023 22:31

Having children one of the biggest life choices you will ever make of course but my view is love can't be compromised either as it is the most important foundation you have to have before considering love. As I said before, it is not a guarantee you will find it again.

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