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Original poster

Fiancé no longer wants kids....

57 replies

4ndy · 15/07/2023 15:34

My fiancé and I have been together 7 years, we love each other very much and have from the beginning been on the same page with starting a a family. She is 35 I'm 37

We talked agreed we were ready, we did start trying, no pressure just going with the flow. She was excited, had bought a few things, has pregnancy test ready etc. But then she would say we need more savings, or need to finish the diy in the house, putting it off multiple times, now we have more savings and the house is complete.

She now has said she doesn't see herself being a Mum and doesn't think she ever will. It turns out that she was ok to start trying as she knew it was what I wanted. Now I see she doesn't want a family and she is very clear on this, there is no lets see how I feel in a year, it is just a no from her now. We have spoken and there is no reason other than that she wants to focus on her career and just doesn't feel it anymore.

I can't blame her for how she feels as it's not anyone's fault. I am just left not knowing the best thing to do. I still want a family and experience all that it offers, but I do know I will resent and regret not taking an opportunity to have my own family.

If anyone has any views, opinions on this situation I would love to here them as I am so unsure what to do for the best. Thanks

OP posts:
FatCatBum · 15/07/2023 22:37

jossi · 15/07/2023 21:56

I agree totally with pinkbonbon when they write, 'If op loves his partner and she doesn't want them..I don't see why kids are relevant. And I'd say the same for women. If your partner is truly someone you love...why would you give that up for an imaginary person?'

I think that is the point. She is not an imaginary person, just a person entitled to change her mind. Surely he has lots of other things they have in common besides children. Having children is a major decision but so is leaving someone who you may never find again. It is such a gamble and one which my three friends are bitterly regretting now.

If you want kids you want kids, would you say the same to a woman who wanted them but her husband was 'nah I've changed my mind'?

jossi · 15/07/2023 22:51

I would say the same thing about a man changing his mind too. It works both ways.

myNewName21 · 15/07/2023 22:56

We talked agreed we were ready, we did start trying, no pressure just going with the flow. She was excited, had bought a few things, has pregnancy test ready etc. But then she would say we need more savings, or need to finish the diy in the house, putting it off multiple times, now we have more savings and the house is complete.

Sorry, She has been stringing you along in the hope you will change your mind about kids, definitely end the engagement, sell the house and cut your losses, find a woman who wants a family with you

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2023 23:04

FatCatBum · 15/07/2023 22:37

If you want kids you want kids, would you say the same to a woman who wanted them but her husband was 'nah I've changed my mind'?

Show quote history

It literally says in my post 'I'd say the same for women' so yes

I want to be rich af but we can't have everything we want. Rather than encouraging people to give up the good things thry have in their life, real, tangible things, how about we say 'we can't have everything we want'. And if something you want makes you want to give up the precious people in your life in order to obtain it - it is sn unhealthy obsession that needs to end. Irregardless of what it is. Let alone, imaginary, non existent people.

jossi · 15/07/2023 23:11

Just read pinkbonbon and I can't agree more! You can't give up real tangible things for a pipe dream that may never eventuate. Life is complicated and not straight forward. We can't order people based on a certain quality. I think it is unfair to assume she is stringing him along all this time. As pinkbonbon says, if something you want makes you want to give up the precious people in your life in order to obtain it - it is an unhealthy obsession that needs to end.'

myNewName21 · 16/07/2023 06:59

GreyCarpet · 15/07/2023 16:40

No one calling her a selfish prick for leading the OP on then?

Funny that...

OP, yep, I agree. Sad as it is, this is how it is. Many people (male and female) agree to children when they have private doubts. They love their partner and hope/assume that, at some point its what they'll want too. It's the most natural thing after all... but they just eventually realise they'll never feel any differently.

My closest friend was with a woman who desperately wanted children. They married, bought the house, moved into a four bed detached in a very desirable area a couple of years later. All it did was cement it for my friend that she didn't want children.

They divorced.

Three years on, my friend is living her best live with a lovely woman who doesn't want children either. Her ex wife is now married to a man and has a toddler. Splitting up was the best thing for them.

Good luck.

Yep 100% agree, she has been selfish for stringing him along, almost certainly in the hope he will change his mind about being a father and having his own family, good job he found out before marrying her.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/07/2023 12:31

I don't think she's strung you along @4ndy , she's tried hard to get onboard with the idea of kids but now it's got real and she knows she can't go through with it. In general it's the DM who gets expected to change her life for DC even if she's having them just for their DF and there's endless flak for a woman whose not a good Mother. Far better she should be honest and say No now. Men can become Dads much later so you've got options Op they just don't include her

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