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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counsellor aren’t they supposed to be neutral?

72 replies

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 07:56

We have been to 4 sessions and I feel the counsellor has not remained neutral and wondered if she should be? Three times now she has snapped at me - last time I was asking about what we were doing as I wasn’t sure if we were going to look at the past and how if affects our futures and she got quite defensive had a face like thunder and started saying about cbt and what she was doing etc. I said I wasn’t questioning her but confused as to the process as I feel we all tag things on from our past and that’s sometimes why we act the way we do in the present..
she said she felt I was testing her..

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 07:57

Or should I not have asked? I did say I knew there were lots of different approaches and wondered what approach we were doing as I was confused

OP posts:
LuckOfTheDrawer · 15/07/2023 07:59

This is a bit odd - I would have thought you'd already know the mode of therapy. Is she BACP-registered?

It can sometimes take a while to find the right therapist for you. I'd move on.

Allelbowsandtoes · 15/07/2023 08:01

This all sounds very confusing. I assume you mean a relationship counsellor- if this is the case why is she doing CBT?
Either way she shouldn't have snapped at you. How did you find her and is she BACP registered?

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 08:06

Yes she is. It does say on her site about cbt but me being a novice wasn’t too sure what that was. I did say in the consultation that I thought my dh may be depressed and have some issues from the past and would this be discussed etc and she said yes. But we did briefly talk and then she is trying to move forwards with a plan but not what I had been expecting.
I explained that for example I have had therapy and know some of my triggers come from my dad so when my dh triggers these I can identity it’s not about him it’s about me and what has been triggered. That’s useful for me as I can see that in the moment.
I believe some of what is happening for dh is he is being triggered by his past so he needs to be able to identify this too.
it was like I was talking a different language..

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 15/07/2023 08:11

If she only does CBT then you probably are talking a foreign language to her.

CBT isn't really about looking at the past, it's all about looking forwards. I don't really see it working for relationships counselling.

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 08:11

I feel he often projects what he is thinking onto me if that makes sense and often looks through a negative lens so it doesn’t matter what I do or say he is set up with this thinking..

she wants to work on our communication skills. But often when I talk to him it is received in a negative way no matter how I phrase it. He said he wants more empathy but I show him a lot and she just takes his word for it that I don’t. Surely we need to uncover the whys before moving on to try and fix it. Why does he feel a lack of empathy from me? Why does he feel I’m always waiting for him to fail? (Honestly I am not and I am so sick of telling him this)

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/07/2023 08:11

Op, tule one of counselling whichever style it is: you need to trust and feel comfortable with your therapist.

She has shown already she is not the right fit for you, ditch her before she makes things worse and cost you more money.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 15/07/2023 08:12

Tule? Rule!

Pawpatrolsucks · 15/07/2023 08:13

It can take a few tries to find a councillor you click with. If you don’t trust the person it’s not going to work. I think you should just find another person.

Bellasignora · 15/07/2023 08:13

You could put in a complaint to BACS.

Definitely change therapists.

SavedbytheBe11 · 15/07/2023 08:15

DITCH THE COUNSELLOR!!!
I have questioned the process to my counsellor and she just explains! Not at all defensive- of course not! Please do not feel you have done anything wrong. Ditch this person.

DustyLee123 · 15/07/2023 08:17

Absolutely move on, don’t give her another penny.

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 08:17

It just doesn’t feel right. I need to know what type of therapy is best to look for another then I think. She has made me feel quite upset and I have been to personal therapy before and not felt this way.
when we were leaving I said again to her I wasn’t testing your ability you know as I felt that you felt I was and she said oh yes it was definitely in the room. My dh said he checked out as he felt like we were arguing and I said that’s because we were!
i said to her a few times I was not questioning her but what we were doing..

OP posts:
guzzleandstuff · 15/07/2023 08:21

Not the right person or the right approach for your issues. Someone else, different issues and it would work.
No point in wasting more time and money and will only cause you stress if you try to challenge her - like complaining about an orange because it isn't an apple.
Find someone new - and maybe, just maybe, face the fact that your marriage difficulties aren't fixable this way whoever you see.

ThePM · 15/07/2023 08:24

Can he describe what “more empathy” looks like, or is this about you never being good enough?

I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary to discover the ‘why’ actually, because if you (or he) can take the shortcut to a behaviour which is effective then that’s OK.
does he agree that the communication is rubbish, or is he shoving it all on you.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/07/2023 08:27

You don't trust her or her process so going there is over. Sometimes in counselling alone it's good to trust the the process even if you don't see changes quickly. But when it's a couple it's important both feel comfortable and listened to.
So change...hopefully your dh will agree and not use it as an excuse to quit.
CBT mostly deals with planning for the future.
You both need marriage counselling with an experienced person.
I had CBT and at times l did find the counsellor a bit sharp...l think it's their extreme focus on moving forward when there is past work that needs doing first.
Definitely change now as that whole incident would have me running out of there. Being comfortable and safe are the most important parts starting off.
Remember a lot of healing is in the relationship and that's not going to happen now.

ShiteRider · 15/07/2023 08:28

If your husband is depressed, CBT might be the best thing for him but I’ve never heard of CBT in relationship counselling.

I wonder if she’s drawn to working with him in the modality that she is comfortable with and when you’re talking about the past it’s interfering with that process? Almost as if you don’t need to be there. This is obviously not on given that you’re paying for couples therapy but trying to make sense of the dynamics

Allelbowsandtoes · 15/07/2023 08:31

AnnaMagnani · 15/07/2023 08:11

If she only does CBT then you probably are talking a foreign language to her.

CBT isn't really about looking at the past, it's all about looking forwards. I don't really see it working for relationships counselling.

That's true for low intensity CBT where you're looking at symptom management. In high-intensity CBT, though you would be looking at the past and coming to a formulation of your difficulties- I.e understanding how you feel at the moment, how this has been impacted by your past, and how to move forward

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 08:33

Thanks, I agree I don’t trust the process now so it’s time to move to another. I didn’t mind so much if it was explained and talked about but it was the sharpness and comments I didn’t think was appropriate. I do think she is desperate to move the work on so I understand what you are saying

dh knows it’s him too so isn’t trying to say it’s all me. He wants to carry on as she said he doesn’t need to look at the past but I think he does. He is a very logical person so I think the process of cbt may suit him whereas I like to explore the feelings side and the whys to then understand and adapt my behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 08:35

Yes I very much feel her and my dh are working well together and I am not and am delaying the process

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 15/07/2023 08:37

Would it not be beneficial for your DH to have his own therapy first and then work on communication skills together?

It sounds like you are wanting his past to be addressed so that he realises how that affects his own thought process and reactions.

I don’t think relationship counselling is going to do that.

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 08:40

Yes I think this maybe the route to go down. He said he will do if I want him to but knows how things affect him so doesn’t feel he needs to. I did say though that often we have things we uncover that we didn’t even know about ourselves so it can be useful..

OP posts:
Canyousewcushions · 15/07/2023 08:41

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/07/2023 08:11

I feel he often projects what he is thinking onto me if that makes sense and often looks through a negative lens so it doesn’t matter what I do or say he is set up with this thinking..

she wants to work on our communication skills. But often when I talk to him it is received in a negative way no matter how I phrase it. He said he wants more empathy but I show him a lot and she just takes his word for it that I don’t. Surely we need to uncover the whys before moving on to try and fix it. Why does he feel a lack of empathy from me? Why does he feel I’m always waiting for him to fail? (Honestly I am not and I am so sick of telling him this)

It sounds a bit like you're going to relationship counselling but what you actually want is for your DH o get counselling in these sessions. And for him to be fixed.

I think if he needs counselling it's really up to him, and the kind of counselling your talking about sounds like it should be one to one, not in a joint session.

It's also worth having a think about how you're approaching this- it's your main aim to fix DH? If so relationship counselling sounds like it may not be for you. You don't sound like your massively open to reflecting on yourself as part of this. (Plus how you communicate and how your DH feels is important. If he feels there's a lack of empathy then maybe it something you do need to look at in your interactions?)

AreYouShittingMe · 15/07/2023 08:43

OP it might be helpful for you to look for someone who offer Couples Counselling for Depression. It's a specific modality of therapy where one partner is depressed. It's not just looking at the relationship as such, so different from relationship/ couples counselling. And try to find someone accredited with the BACP. You're not wrong- trust your feelings

SheilaFentiman · 15/07/2023 08:46

I do what your DH does and I have therapy for myself. I would not expect couples counselling to address it.