Counsellor aren’t they supposed to be neutral?

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

We have been to 4 sessions and I feel the counsellor has not remained neutral and wondered if she should be? Three times now she has snapped at me - last time I was asking about what we were doing as I wasn’t sure if we were going to look at the past and how if affects our futures and she got quite defensive had a face like thunder and started saying about cbt and what she was doing etc. I said I wasn’t questioning her but confused as to the process as I feel we all tag things on from our past and that’s sometimes why we act the way we do in the present..
she said she felt I was testing her..

CBT and relationship counselling seem a very odd mix.

Plenty of therapists are capable, empathetic people who go into it for the right reasons. But there's also a large proportion of troubled people, seeking to escape or legitimise their own shit by meddling with other people. This type can be very defensive and angry. Sounds like you might have found one of the latter.

Having read this I think you may need to back off. If he’s working well with the CBT that’s great, what you think about what’s helpful for him (because it’s how you operate) shouldn’t come into it.

You’re trying to force a square peg in a round hole

Thanks, I have had my own counselling so I definitely can see what I have brought to the table and have lots of insights to my behaviour and have worked really hard on myself so I am not wanting to fix him but wanting him to also gain insight on his behaviours too?
Then yes we can move forwards together so I think this is the clarity needed.
but just not with this counsellor then due to the snappiness / clash of personalities

A good couples counsellor ought to meet with you both individually first before any joint sessions. That's my understanding.

Poor counselling can make things worse.

I did say to dh I would carry on if he wanted to but he also said he would go elsewhere too if I wanted to.
I think to cut our losses and move on. Count the small positives but move. I do feel she has the potential to make things worse which I don’t want

Just because counsellors are BACP registered/accredited doesn't automatically make them good or the best fit. No need to limit yourself to just BACP either, there are loads of professional bodies in the UK, for example the NCPS (where to be a member/accredited the counsellors will have had to go through all the appropriate training).

Link to the different professional bodies https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/accreditation.html#whatisaprofessionalbody

Hope you find the right one OP.

But that's effectively the same thing as wanting to fix him.

Does he want to rake through his pat to gain insight into his behaviours?

That's a really personal thing, and if it's not what he wants, you can't force it on him because you want it. (And it's also not something for a joint counselling session either)

OP - this person doesn’t sound like a great therapist.

Therapists are just people, and like any profession, there will be very varying degrees of ability and competence.

And dare I say it- that many people are attracted to therapy roles for misguided reasons?

You are 100% allowed to question your therapist! She should be able to handle it. CBT is quite different to the therapy you are looking for. Ditch her. If it doesn’t feel right you shouldn’t be pushing through

As a mental health professional I would say she’s not the right counsellor for you. It has to be the right fit and she should be comfortable explaining the process to you. Try to find another one.

I think in your shoes I'd discuss with DH whether individual counselling is something he wants to do. Accept his answer- it is a really personal choice and probably isnt for everyone. Just because it was good for you doesn't mean it would be right for him.

And then try to move forward with couples counselling (with a new counsellor if needed) but with acceptance of his answer. It certainly sounds like you need an initial session with the counsellor to understand what will and won't be looked at in the session and what the approach will be so you funky understand it ans can move forward on that basis.

Honestly not trying to force him so please no need to keep saying this.
he is on board at trying and I have also said if it’s not for him he could quit. He is open to it being useful although doesn’t think it will be.
that’s very different to me being forceful ie me saying it’s a deal breaker..
I am very open to being wrong and his past having nothing to do with the present. It would just be great to have a little look incase it is.
the councillor snappy at me a few times it really shocked me and made me feel upset. I will look again thank you

Thank you for all above. I have felt quite upset about not being able to feel comfortable to ask the questions I did. I also said lots of times to her I was sorry and I wasn’t trying to evaluate her but ask about the process and she said it felt like I was testing her but I said I wasn’t

I am a bit doubtful that CBT is the right approach for couples' counselling. I sugggest you seek alternative help.

There's a couple of things here. I recall I had counselling with my ex-husband and felt the counsellor "took his side" - she contacted me privately and explained she did and the reason why was because he needed support to open up and he would leave if she challenged him until he fully trusted her.

With empathy, I have never met a person who believes they haven't got it. A friend of mine explained that it was only through counselling she realised that she didn't have much, although she truly believed she had. To be honest she still hasn't but at least she is more aware.

Some people have said to trust in the process. I completely agree, counselling of any sort is difficult and it makes you feel uncomfortable, sometimes very much so, it's because you're being spoken to in a way that isn't how you're used to and being questioned and probed and it can feel like being attacked.

I would probably change counsellor but in doing so keep an open mind and realise it could actually be you.

Which is the best for couples counselling?

Change counsellor.

Ive seen many and that attitude isn’t ok, neither from a counsellor, nor from a HCP and associated.
it’s normal and healthy yo ask questions. If she is that defensive, then the problem is on her.

Btw, having counselling, I have been known to tell the counsellor I’m finding comments/questions triggering and explaining why I find it not ok.
How in Earth are you supposed to move on if you don’t explore the reasons why said comments was triggering?

Is your counsellor experienced? Either it's a personality clash or just mismatched expectations or experience. I've never heard of CBT being used for primarily relationship counselling.

Oh yes I really do feel I have an open mind and am willing to accept it may be me however hurtful this may be. Thank you for saying as I understand where you are coming from

She sounds a bit insecure and inexperienced to be honest.

I found couples counselling very unproductive because, like yours, the therapist seemed very skewed in her methods. For example labelling me a "human doing not a human being '. She also seemed taken in by my ex husband's manipulation of being Mr Reasonable versus my Mrs Unstable and Emotional. I felt quite attacked at times and frustrated at the games he was playing that she couldn't see.

What I realised was I wasn't in a place to properly articulate what was going on in my marriage. I was still being manipulated by my husband as the 'wrong one'. After many years of therapy I came to realise I was surrounded by people invested in keeping me in my place, my family, my husband, my friends.

You say you think your husband has issues related to childhood (mine was dismissive avoidant). Not saying your husband is avoidant like mine but would it be better to pursue individual therapy before you try couples counselling? Without personal insight it's very difficult to come together in a reasonable discussion regarding communication.

Yes she was defensive.
my dh is defensive which is our main problem. I can’t ask him things without it being seen as an attack. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to explore why he may feel he is being attacked and it may be part my communication (yes I admit at times it’s not the best but often I have asked things in a nice way) and part his past- critical mum etc always questioning him etc and his need to be perfect he puts on himself that he then projects onto me.

I felt she was projecting onto me by being defensive about me asking questions. I was and clearly said it was about wha type of process we were doing but she took it as an attack on her and questioning whether she as a good therapist or not. I was not asking this but her answer made me now think this 🙈

I think definitely change counsellor, it can sometimes take a few goes to find someone who is the right fit for you both. They should be impartial but often challenge both your thinking throughout the process - in a professional way, not taking sides!

I work in the sector and think you’d be better off going with someone via a counselling organisation like Relate, as you can have a conversation with their office before you book and they can advise on the best type of sessions for you. Also easier to change counsellors then if you need to.

if you end up going for a counsellor from somewhere else make sure they are fully BACP accredited. Good luck!

In terms of modality I would look into EFT couples counselling.

Thanks. I just want to make sure I didn’t do anything wrong as I don’t mind being challenged but on this particular incident it wasn’t to do with my relationship but me asking about the type of therapy and what we were going ahead and doing.
i said I was confused as o thought we would look at the past etc and was met with defensiveness. Then to say I was testing her and when I said again when I walked out I really wasn’t testing you for her to say “ it was definitely in the room” I felt was a bit off..