Counsellor aren’t they supposed to be neutral?

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

We have been to 4 sessions and I feel the counsellor has not remained neutral and wondered if she should be? Three times now she has snapped at me - last time I was asking about what we were doing as I wasn’t sure if we were going to look at the past and how if affects our futures and she got quite defensive had a face like thunder and started saying about cbt and what she was doing etc. I said I wasn’t questioning her but confused as to the process as I feel we all tag things on from our past and that’s sometimes why we act the way we do in the present..
she said she felt I was testing her..

You would be better with individual counselling.

Couples therapy sometimes work but not if there is work to be done individually.

"it was definitely in the room”

What does that even mean ?!

It means that I was testing her

As I had said I wasn’t and was sorry she felt that way - it was definitely in the room (no it wasn’t!!)

Something I notice OP, is that you don't seem to take on when people tell you how they feel. The Councillor felt you were challenging her, your DH feels you're not empathetic enough. Whether or not these are objectively true, you still need to hear how they feel.

It sounds like he should explore solo counselling but his ‘Ill do it if you want me to’ reaction doesn’t make it sound like a very promising prospect. Are you sure he wants to fix things? He doesn’t sound committed. If he is depressed then than needs to be tackled as a priority.

I don’t know what to suggest but couples counseling with a less than enthusiastic partner can be frustratingly exhausting.

Oh I absolutely understand if she felt that way and is entitled to but the point I’m making is that it confused me as if don’t realise the counsellors feeling would get involved if you see what I mean.
As in me asking about remaining neutral. Hope that makes sense

BACP (or any other prof. body) registered is only a reassurance they have professionally ticked the boxes - what you need to go on after that is your rapport with the counsellor or therapist and how professional you feel they are. Too many rubbish counsellors get away with subpar practices.

It's quite possible that she simply isn't the right "fit" for you, BUT....

It does sound like you were (perhaps subconsciously) trying to direct the therapy session. He needs to do xyz because that's what helped me, I think his issue is this etc. Her suggestion that you two work on communication skills is pretty normal in couples therapy, but it seems like you'd like the sessions to focus on your husband addressing his issues as you see them.

It's possible that couples therapy isn't really what you're looking for at this stage.

As in me asking about remaining neutral

A good therapist remains objective, which is slightly different from being neutral. It's not so much a matter of taking sides as it is recognizing that often one person's actions really are problematic and have to be addressed before any progress can be made.

From what you've said:

1. Your husband doesn't sound engaged in the process at all. Him doing things if you want is of no use to you. If he's doing it to shut you up, he won't get anything out of the process.

1. Your DH sounds like he needs separate counselling - but if he won't actually engage with it, there's not much point.

1. It sounds like you want to counsel him. Maybe he does need to delve into his past, but he doesn't necessarily need to do that in your presence. He can explore his past on a one to one basis and then your couples counselling can explore how to communicate better. He doesn't necessarily owe you an explanation as to why he is how he is, if his issues pre-date your marriage.

Find another counsellor if this one doesn't seem right, but you can't try to direct the process just because you've had therapy before. It feels a bit like you want to expose all his flaws and use them to deflect his issues with you.

What's playing out between you and the counsellor is probably highly relevant to what plays out between you and dh (and him checking out or becoming demoralised and depressed). If you can, try to put aside the 'have I done it wrong' questions and the challenges to the therapist, and try to be curious about the discomfort you feel and the sense she's being unfair to you - if you go into it you can find out more, whereas if you stick with the comfortable you won't. Maybe be vulnerable and actually voice the feeling that it's unfair, or that he should do more. Be there for you and trust him to do the same - this could be really helpful.

Thanks, yes all interesting points thanks. My dh is committed to it all though so I don’t need to worry about that. We are just finding our way through the process and trying to work out what’s best for both of us and clash with the counsellor just threw me to be honest. Thanks all

In my experience Counsellors can be quite touchy, especially if you question anything. I once had one who looked as if she might cry and said, "it's as if you don't trust me." I didn't get much help from Counselling. Maybe I was unfortunate and saw Counsellors who were in it for the wrong reasons, as others have mentioned.

Sorry to jump on but this stood out to me. I have felt in counselling that she overlooks my DH’s faults but tells me that I should do “x, y, z”.
It’s been really bothering me. I am not against being told I need to make changes, etc, but when my DH behaviour is just brushed under the rug or if he’s not doing what he should and there’s no push back from the counsellor, I just feel like even more is put on me and it looks as though I’m the problem because I have even the slightest expectation of my DH or want to set boundaries.
Perhaps I need to give it a little more time if this is an approach they take to get certain people to engage properly

OP it really doesn’t sound like this counsellor is a good fit for you. Regardless of what you ask or if they feel any pushback, surely they are trained to deal with that.
Couples counselling is difficult enough without you feeling uncomfortable with the counsellor

Can you message the counsellor privately ? What I felt was that I was being made into the "baddie" but when the counsellor explained to me that she was deliberately supporting my ex husband as otherwise he would "walk" it gave me perspective. She did change and began questioning him more as he engaged in the process...

Thanks yes I agree. I found myself apologising too during the session and saying sorry I am asking about it all etc. I felt uncomfortable and I had upset her by asking a few things even though I had said multiple times I was asking about the type and way forward as I wasn’t clear and just wanted to check for myself so I could be sure.
i couldn’t understand why she was so challenged when I was saying it was just for my benefit so I could understand what I was doing in the sessions

The way I look at it is that you are the client and they are the counsellor, you’re going there because you need support and advice, if they aren’t capable of being patient and understanding then they are in the wrong job.
I understand that at times they may need to be firm or challenging but there’s a difference between that and her simply not being able to deal with you asking questions (whether she felt they were appropriate/necessary or not).
As your DH is happy to support your decision, I’d find someone else who you will hopefully feel more comfortable with and able to ask questions

Yes he is. He could see what was happening and said he had checked out as it become challenging. It felt like 3 of us in the session 🙄
Was very odd really but I agree even if I had said something that wasn’t great it should be handled better surely. We will look elsewhere

You can ponder this forever more or you can quit ruminating and either send a polite message or terminate sessions.

I’m not pondering. I am finding someone else. Was just answering posters thanks