Does he still like me

[Confuddledandclueless]

I left my ex because he was being immature and just wasn't treating me right. Since then he's been texting me saying he gets why he upset me, thst I'm lovely, amazing, how he enjoyed being intimate with me and its confusing. He also insists on helping me with things like my car. I haven't seen him since the split no kids but being around him makes me feel anxious as he constantly out me down and now he's being nice.

He sounds like a creep.
How he 'enjoyed being intimate with me'. Eww. How on earth did you resist not telling him to fuck off right there.

Whats going on is the nasty-nice cycle of abuse.
He treated you like shit when you were together and now he is being extra nice in order to win you back round. He will promptly begin being a shit again if you take him back. Even worse than before too, because you jad the 'audacity' to dump him before. And his sort don't like that.

If he was a nice person he would have treated you well when it counted.

Don't be fooled. A shit in a box remains a shit in q box. Even if you put sparkly wrapping paper on the box and tie it with a big bow.

You were right to split up with him. Don't fall for his bs. Get him blocked ASAP.

Ps: always listen to your gut.

If being around someone makes you feel anxious- they mean you harm. Run.

Your body knows the score. Its warning you.

You know who he really is. You saw it. Trust yourself. Not this bs act he puts on now.

Thanks for the advice. My gut is meeting is a terrible idea and I genuinely don't feel comfortable around him anymore. I still love and miss him but I feel more relaxed, like a weight has been lifted. Just rubbish because he was so lovely to start with, couldn't do enough, loads of plans but towards the end that titred off. Less effort with everything and putting me down using other women.

He used the same mask to fool you in the beginning as he is using now. But you know that's not the real him right?

Decent human beings, let alone those who like you, don't play you off against other women or feel the need to put you down. Bad people do that. There's no fixing them because they aren't broken, they're just not like you. It doesn't make sense to us because we're just normal people who care about those we love and wany what's best for them. But he, is a predator. And right now, he's hunting you.

You don't owe people who treat you badly anything. Tell him to sod off and block him. And be firm.

Note that he may try all manner of things to stop you escaping. There are good YouTube videos about things narcissists do when you leave them. Might be worth watching.

Block immediately and move on with your life.

Also, just because I heard someone say it the other day and I think it's great advice - never marry someone you wouldn't like to divorce.

I think its good applied to relationships too.
If you think someone would be a bastard in a divorce, they're probably not someone you want to get involved with.

If someone feels...dangerous. Or like they're going to be trouble... it's because they are. And it's best to avoid people like that.

A shit in a box remains a shit in q box. Even if you put sparkly wrapping paper on the box and tie it with a big bow.

Ha ha, beautifully put @Pinkbonbon 😁

I can't really add to the good replies you've already had @Confuddledandclueless , apart from to say as much as you miss the mirror of you he put up to reel you in, the peace and calm that you feel not being with him will give you the headspace to see his behaviour for what it was as you work through your confusion and hurt.

You're right not to see him at all, don't let him try and help you with your car or anything. You need to make a clean break as he'll use anything to get you to take him back. He wants to 'win', men like him don't like not being in control.

You'll get there, keep enjoying that peace

He is fully blocked now. I never responded about offer to help with car. Is he really abusive? I thought he's a prick for constant putting me down but he's never hit me.

Abuse is not always violent or physical. Emotional abuse is designed to make you feel bad, doubt yourself, comply with his wishes, whether those wishes are said bluntly "I don't want you to see your friends" or manipulated "Oh babe, we could have a nice night in front of the telly with some beers, I'd miss you if you went out" (thereby appearing loving but still getting his own way). It is designed to make you alter your behaviour to always please him, but he will become less easy to please. It will get to the stage where you can't do anything right, even if you follow his instructions to the letter.

Emotional abuse can be a precurser to physical abuse but not always.

I'm glad you've blocked him, I hope he leaves you in peace.

Why would anyone who loved you put you down?

In 15 years neither me or DP have ever put each other down. Yes, we've upset each other, or misunderstood, or said the wrong thing once in a while but neither of us have ever said anything meant to hurt each other.

People who love each other build each other up, not put each other down. You can call it abuse or not, either way he's a dick for doing it.

And he hasn't changed. The only thing that's changed is that he isn't getting laid. Once he is, he'll start treating you like shit all over again.

When I used to confront him about the comparison thing he used to say I had male friends I drink with and most men would not like that and he was laid back and didn't mind so him comparing me to other women wasn't any different. He did the other women thing constantly and it just became draining. He said its a shame I want to leave over a misunderstanding as I misinterpreted what he said. It's very manipulative. I had no idea how tense I felt until I blocked as I feel free.

I was honestly doubting ending t as he was being so nice complimenting me and finally getting what I meant but something just felt off.

Emotional abuse is abuse.

The comparing you with/playing you against another women is called 'narcissistic triangulation'.

It can be anything from saying things like 'she dresses nice, why can you dress like her?' to hanging out with lots of other women and openly flirting with them but then when you tell them it's inappropriate, they make out you are the problem.

The goal is to make you feel 'not enough for them' and doubt your own boundaries and even you're own sanity. They'll tell you you overreact ot are oversensitive. Just for wanting to be shown respect and kindness.

It doesn't even have to be another woman. I had an ex for example, who, just when I thought things were going good with us, would start talking about 'when I (not 'we') move to america...'. America was like this other woman he would dangle over my head so that I never got to feel secure with him.

They don't want you to feel loved or enough. They want you to know they have 'options' and be constantly on edge they'll leave.

Its fucked up. Fuck them and their sick games.

Well done for blocking!

Always remember, the DO GET what you mean. They just pretend not to get it so they can make you feel like you are in the wrong for wanting what you want (which is usually nothing more than for them to be a decent human being).

He is acting like he gets it now because that's part of the trick to retrap you.

You never need to explain why fucking obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful. To anyone. If you find yourself thinking 'if only I could just find the right words to make him understand...' stop, because chances are, you're in an abusive rationship.

They get it. Don't be fooled. They always have.

Being nice is part of abuse. It's how abusers pull people back to them after abusing them. He is using classic techniques on you.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

This all makes so much sense! He constantly says its my insecurity and mental health. Even when we split he says "I'm sorry I had no idea how insecure you are and you don't need to be as you're amazing, sexy" etc, why didn't I tell him I was insecure (I'm not an insecure possessive person I said so many times stop inappropriate comments as many people would not like it) and he just wants to be open. He then says it's because english is not his first language so he doesn't realise what he's saying (he is bilingual used English his whole life) so this is bollocks. But he also says I'm possessive because I don't want to hear him tell me about women he's shagged and still sees and he could still get them if he wanted. He's late 40s (I'm early 30s). I don't want him trying to retrap me. I just wanted this to stop and as it hasn't I want to move on. When I left him I even said we clearly have different boundaries and that's OK no hard feelings. We split over 2 months ago. He says im just as bad because there's certain things he liked to do sexually and I wasn't as keen and he loves doing them to me.

He sounds like a headfuck. An emotionally and mentally abusive headfuck.
He misses having sex with you, and treating you like a verbal punchbag.

Please keep listening to your gut. It’s trying to protect you. The fact you feel more relaxed now is a very clear sign to stay the hell away from him.

IN an earlier post you said he was great to start with, then started treated you badly. SO all he's doing now is what he did at the start - trying to impress you so he can trap you.

If you allowed him back, he would revert to his abuse again before long. Only it would be worse this time, as he'd have realised he can always reel you back in if you try to leave.

He is messing with your head, as he always has. A decent person doesn't go on about old relationships, people they've slept with, people they fancy. Noone does that. Not unless they WANT to make their gf insecure. WANT to mess with their heads.

He's a gaslighting abusive man and you need to keep him blocked. You deserve better.

It's good to hear all of this as I've been made to feel like I'm a fantasist. He's my first partner since divorcing 4 years ago and I was convinced that maybe my divorce had just shattered my confidence and affected my judgement as he said its normal to talk about exes. I get initially dating someone you learn a bit about their past but it's constant and he talks about other women he knows saying what a catch he is and they don't know why he never settled down.

I do feel more free. If get pestered if I took more than a few hours to text back (he said all his friends agreed that he wasn't pestering and this is normal), accused of being with my ex husband still, criticised for having male friends (but he can have female friends who he tells me he fancies??). How can I have missed all of this? I'm just ranting. I went out with friends last week and one of my male friends said I looked good. It was the first time in a long time I'd heard someone make a positive comment about my looks and I realised how much I missed it (nothing romantic between us just I felt so low about my looks it ruined my confidence in them).

If your divorce has affected you, then any new relationship needs to cater for that. You don't need to change to fit what the other person is ants or needs. Don't change yourself. Change your people until everyone you choose to spend time with fits who you are and where you're at.

Otherwise your relationships and social circle will be built on the foundation of feeling that you are somehow faulty.

How can I have missed all of this?

Because when you're in the relationship your head is so filled with them you don't have the space to see their behaviour for what it is. That's one of the reasons he didn't want you taking time to respond to his texts - he can't allow you any time, you might be realising what a twat he is.

I was with my ex for many years but he really ramped up his behaviour over the last 10 years. I felt like I was going out of my mind but I couldn't articulate why. It wasn't until he was gone and I had help from WA that I realised quite what he'd put me through. It frightened me to see what I'd been enduring. But while you're living with it, it's your norm, you just get on with it.

Feel free to rant. There will be those who will say just block and move on but they probably don't understand (thankfully for them) or don't want to support you. I think it's good to speak about this type of abuse because it helps you process what you've experienced (it can be extremely difficult if not impossible just to shrug off), it might help others who are going through the same and I strongly believe that talking about it and understanding that it was not you helps you to heal

I don't think my divorce has affected me sorry. What I meant and worded badly was he has made me feel initially that maybe there a problem with me and I thought it could be its because its my first relationship since divorce. But hearing so many people here and in my life say its not me speaks volumes and I know it isn't me. I was single 3 wyars between divorce and this one so had plenty of time being single and enjoying being so.

Echoing pps in that his sort do not like to give you headspace to think. Because that would allow you to think 'hey, I feel better when he isn't here...and wait, all that stuff he does, really is not ok'.

Be prepared for calls from withheld numbers now you've blocked him. Perhaps even longwinded letters through your door. They don't like being told no.

Remember, you don't owe him anything. He may try to convince you to meet him one last time for 'closure'. 'No. Fuck off' should be your only response (if any). Don't answer the door to him. Don't try to explain yourself to him. He knows damn well fine why he is blocked.

If he harasses you, go to the police.
Hopefully it won't come to that. But just beware these things are a possibility.

Be careful of any mutual friends (which he may use as flying monkeys. Eg: get information on you from. Or even tell them he's 'worried about your mental health' so that they too start treating you like you have issues. Further reinforcing the idea that you might be going mad for just wanting to be respected).

he has made me feel initially that maybe there a problem with me

Stay away from anybody who finds you problematic. That's boundaries in 1 sentence. Just walk away. You don't need to convince anybody of anything.

No form of calls or letters at the moment which is a relief but anxious it could happen. He kept saying before I blocked him it's a shame I'm leaving over a misunderstanding and me misinterpreting what he said but how can telling your girlfriend about other women you know and fancy be taken in a positive way? Even now I have small moments of doubt about it like I e been too rash but he has done this throughout. He also one second would say he's serious about us hen the next he isnt sure and it's normal to change your mind. I said he shouldn't tell me he wants to settle down unless he's 100% and he'd go that's just what people do. I honestly thought he loved me as he was the perfect guy at the start.